by Ryan Michele
It has been forever since I’ve watched a movie. Watching a movie is a luxury I never received. Hell, I don’t even know what movies are out or if any are good.
But he threw down a challenge. One that no way I am losing. This isn’t the same as fighting back, but it is control. Something that has been out of my grasp for a long time. I am winning this. Being at Buck’s side when he played is going to pay off here.
“You’re on!”
His gorgeous smile brightens the whole room. Butterflies flit in my stomach, and my hands get a bit clammy. He doesn’t want you, Carsyn. Get over yourself.
How could he ever want someone who’s been used as a toy? I don’t deserve it anyway, but fun is on the ticket and it will be enough.
9
Nox
Three games and the little vixen has a ton of pretzels on her side. I wasn’t trying to lose either, but she’s got a wit about her that I know she doesn’t see. Everything inside her is locked up so tight and I can’t blame her for that, but I hope in time she’ll let it free.
She shouts and pumps her hand in the air. “Mine!” Carsyn reaches over and pulls the sticks in her pile. It’s her smile, though. The one that shines in her eyes. The one that has been lost for far too long. It’s the same as when we were in school, except better because it’s coming from a woman instead of the kid I once knew.
It’s the best part about her winning.
I toss the cards down dramatically. “Fine. What chick-flick are you gonna make me watch?” Her smile dies on her lips and she shifts in the chair, the air around her becoming tense. “What’s wrong, Carsyn?”
“I have no idea what’s out to watch. I haven’t watched a movie in years.” Damn, she hasn’t been let out of her cage to be the free woman she’s meant to be. She has this shame around her, and I hate that shit.
A few of the pretzels make their way into my mouth. “Okay, what do you like to watch? Do you like to laugh, have action, or sweet and romantic?”
She shakes her head. “I have no idea. I guess I’d want to laugh.”
“Sounds perfect. Let’s see what this place has for choices.” Getting up, we make our way over to the beds. She sits on hers, and I sit on mine. It feels strange after her falling asleep next to me earlier. Part of me wants to get up and go over to her. The other is afraid that if I do, I’ll scare her away.
It’s like walking on a tightrope. Just a little to the left and this will happen, a little to the right and that will happen. All of it like glass I’m afraid to break.
Thoughts of my sister Austyn come to mind. She was so broken, but no one saw it. It didn’t even come up on my radar, and to think she felt like this and no one was there to help her eats away at my insides. That’s not going to happen for Carsyn. I may not be able to stay, but she’ll be protected.
“How about this one?”
She stares at the television.
“It’s about a woman who goes back to college with her daughter. I’ve heard it’s funny.” Looking over at her, her expression is blank. This is a new thing for her, and it amazes me that something so simple that everyone should experiences was lost to her.
“Sure, why not.” Her tone is laced with apprehension only making me want to go out and beat the fuck out of Buck.
“You do realize this is a chick-flick, right?” I tease, hoping to break through and get a smile from her.
Her head snaps to mine. “What, is it encroaching on your manhood?”
I burst out laughing, loving that it worked. “Damn right it is.”
“Tough.”
Fuck, I love her spunk, when she lets it out. There’s so much inside of her that’s been suppressed for so many years. I want her to find it again.
Clicking the remote, the movie starts and Carsyn lays down. Her giggles and laughter intertwine with mine. It’s a great sound, one I’ll never get tired of hearing.
“Nox?”
“Yep.”
“Will you come over here with me?” When I turn to her, she’s staring at the screen and her bottom lip does a slight tremble.
“Of course.” There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
Maneuvering, Carsyn scoots over and I take her spot. She lays her head on my chest, and my arm goes across her back. We say nothing and do nothing but laugh. It’s the most comfortable I’ve ever been with a woman.
So comfortable that we fall asleep just like that.
I wake with a start, the knob on the door rattling. Carsyn wakes as well, and I press my finger to her lips. Reaching over for my gun, I exit the bed and look out the peephole. Two people, a man and a woman, stand there. They’re laughing and having a hard time standing up. On the other side of the door, a card gets inserted, but nothing happens.
“Are you sure this is it?” the woman whines.
“Fuck, I don’t know.”
Leaving the emergency latch on, I crack the door. “Somethin’ you need?”
The man steps back shocked, and the woman’s mouth drops open. “No… sorry, we must have the wrong room.”
With a nod, I shut the door and lock it. When I look over, the light from the small crack in the window shines on the empty bed. Flipping the light, Carsyn sits curled up on the floor shaking.
Shit.
“It’s okay. Just people who couldn’t find their room.”
She nods, but can’t stop the shakes. Sitting next to her, I wrap her in my arms and hold her. It’s so long that when I wake up, she’s laying in my arms still.
Fuck, it’s going to be hard to go home.
“Hey,” she says, looking up at me and wiping the sleep from her eyes. “Sorry. Must’ve fallen asleep.”
“Perfectly fine, Carsyn. Perfectly fine.”
She gets up and dusts her butt off, from what I have no clue, then moves over to the bags. “I saw coffee and we have a pot, so I’m makin’ it.”
“Sounds good to me.” I get up and go into the bathroom to take a leak.
The coffee waits for me on the table next to the empty seat. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” She holds the cardboard cup with both hands blowing on it carefully.
“How are ya feelin’ today?”
She takes a sip. “Good. My body aches, but that’s going to happen. While I waited for the brew, I did some stretches that help.”
“I hate that you have to know that shit.” Just like I fucking hate that my sister lived through this when she was attacked and raped. Same with Green’s woman, Leah, and the fear she must have experienced when being tied to a bed and brutalized. All of it there pressing into me, noting what Carsyn went through and her feeling alone. Fuck.
She shrugs. “Can’t change the past, Nox, only the future.”
“Right. I’m dyin’ to ask about the butterflies on your calf. It’s gorgeous work.”
She beams. “Thanks. It’s one thing that Buck didn’t care if I did or not and, as you can tell, I took advantage.”
“What do the butterflies mean?”
She coughs slightly and pauses, pulling in her bottom lip—thinking. It seems to be her thinking pose, and it’s cute.
“I have nine of them. One for each year I spent with Buck. Each year, I get a new one on the anniversary of my mother’s death.”
My gut twists. “I’m so sorry, babe.”
Her head shakes. “No, there’s nothing to be sorry for. Each one is a new start. A new beginning. At least that’s the way I look at them. Like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon and spreading its wings for the first time. It represents survival and purity.”
Reaching over I take her hand in mine. “The meaning behind it makes it even more beautiful.” She looks as though she wants to say something else, but refrains. “Tell me.”
“It’s the one thing on my body that I have control over. Buck never had any demands on my ink, therefore it is mine and only mine.”
A squeeze comes to my chest forming an ache. Control. She’s never had it before. It will be an adjustment f
or her in a big way.
“Today we’re gonna go meet with one of my buddies. When I have to leave here, you’re going to stay with him and his wife. From there you can figure out what you want to do.”
She nods, complying, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Panic is setting in once again.
“I promise, you’ll like him and his woman. They’ll be good to you.”
She blows out a long breath. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
**
We pull up to Gunny’s house only a few miles from the hotel. Carsyn’s tension fills the car. I reach over and grab her knee. “Promise you, he’s good people.”
“Right. Thank you for doing this. Trust is hard.”
“I know it is. But trust in me to do what’s best for you.”
She nods, and it fills me with great joy that she has that faith in me.
Reaching into the console, I pull out an ID and hand it to Carsyn. “From this moment on, your name is Ava Smith. Nothin’ fancy, just plain and simple. There are thousands of Ava Smith’s out there and it’ll be hard for anyone to find.”
“Thank you.”
“Stop thanking me. I also have papers so you can get a job when you see fit.”
“When did you have time for all this?”
Her wit is undeniably attracting. “When I went out yesterday. Made a call to an old friend. Got the information to him, and we have it.”
“Great,” she says instead of thank you. I love that she gets me. Not many do. They may like my cock and want to ride it, but to actually get me as a man doesn’t happen too often.
“Let’s go in and meet them.”
Rounding the car, I clasp our hands together and we walk to the door. The house is a ranch mid-level home with a large yard and a couple of trees. Nothing flashy, and it’ll be perfect for Carsyn to heal in.
The door swings open, and a shadow comes over the doorway. Gunny is a big man, huge in bulk and bite. He was in the Marines with my dad and has come around the clubhouse a few times. They keep in touch from time to time.
“Nox! How the hell are ya?” The deep rasp of his voice comes from years of smoking. The last I heard though, he had to quit due to health concerns.
“Gunny, good to see ya, man.” He holds out his hand, and I shake it back. “This is Ava.” We’d already had a chat about what was going on when Carsyn took a shower before we left. He knows the score and has enough fire power in this house to protect the damn president.
He was an E-7 in the Marines, and that’s where he got his name Gunny.
Gunny reaches out his hand, and Carsyn put it in his slowly. “It’s lovely to meet ya. Know I’m a big guy, but there’s nothin’ to be afraid of.”
“Yeah, ‘cause you do somethin’ to her I’ll kick your ass.” His wife, Sharon, whips a towel out, smacking Gunny on the head.
“Woman!” he growls as she pushes her way through, ignoring him.
“Hi. I’m Sharon.” She holds out her hand to Carsyn first. “You must be Ava.”
Carsyn nods. It will take some getting used to with the name, but it’ll come. “Nice to meet you.”
Sharon then comes up to me, wrapping her arms around me and hugging me tight. “Took a woman to get you all the way here.” She winks at Carsyn. “About damn time. Come on in.”
They both step back as we walk in. Their house is quaint with light blue walls and dark gray carpeting. It smells faintly of cigarettes, but whatever they’re doing to mask the scent is working.
“Come on in. We ain’t gonna bite,” Sharon says from the kitchen. Their house is a very open floor plan with one wall separating the kitchen from the living room.
We take a seat at the table just off to the side of the kitchen and living room. Sharon brings glasses and two pitchers to the table. “One’s sweet tea, the other’s water. Help yourself. We are a self-service kinda place.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Gunny grumbles.
“Would you stop that. You’re gonna scare Ava off.” Sharon turns to Carsyn. “He’s just mad because he has to clean up after himself and get his own damn beer.” Sharon rolls her eyes dramatically, and Carsyn chuckles.
“I like you,” Carsyn says, and Sharon reaches over putting her hand on top of Carsyn’s.
“I like you too, sugar.”
Our time flies and by the way Carsyn is talking to Sharon and leaning in to hear what she’s saying, I think she’ll be comfortable here or, at least, she’s playing the part. I sure as hell hope so because this is my only option where we are. Soon my phone will be blowing up asking where I am.
The thought of leaving twists my insides. I’m not ready for that, but I don’t think I’ll ever be.
10
Carsyn
Ava Smith. That’s my new name and each time either Sharon or Gunny said it, it took me longer than it should’ve to respond.
Gunny and Sharon insisted that we stay and eat dinner with them. They are funny and kind. I can see the level of trust Nox has with them just from their interactions. Therefore, I’ll trust them as well, even if I keep my guard up a bit.
We lay on the bed, my head on Nox’s chest listening to his heartbeat. He has some movie called Deadpool playing, and it’s funny in a twisted sort of way.
The steadiness of his heart and the way his hand moves up and down my arm relaxes me. My eyes close, and sleep takes me under.
I wake up in a fog, the sleep not wanting to leave me. Sun shines through the slit in the curtain, and the hard body I fell asleep on isn’t in the bed. The shower runs in the bathroom, and I let out a gust of air. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this after he leaves, and I know it’s going to be soon.
My heart cracks at the thought. These last couple of days have been the best of my life. It’s a freedom that never existed for me. Of all the people in the world to be with right now, it would be Nox. I’m going to make the most of the time we have together. Enjoy it and feel for once in my life.
Nox steps out of the bathroom, a towel slung around his hips and is hair a wet, sexy mess. The tattoos of roses and what looks like a castle is on his arms and are so pronounced over his dark skin. Each of them so well defined. Nothing like what I’ve seen. My heart thumps, and my belly starts to spasm.
“Hey, you’re up.” The casualness of his tone makes me think we’ve done this a thousand times before. And believe me, if we had, I’d remember.
“Yeah.” He smiles knowingly at the breathiness of my tone, and I can’t blame him. He’s got a spell around him or something. It’s this magnetism that just pulls me to him. If I could, I’d keep him all for myself forever and ever. But that’s not what life is throwing at me.
He grabs a pair of jeans and puts them on in front of me, his underwear covering him already. He’s hot. Like mega super on fire in the depths of a volcano hot. So much so, he should be illegal.
Sweat beads my skin as flashes hit me all at once. Arousal isn’t something I’m familiar with because none of my sexual encounters were of my own free will. Yes, I did some just to get them over with and stopped fighting, but that doesn’t mean I wanted them.
Being turned on has never been in my vocabulary because I was never anything but a toy. A plastic doll would have more arousal than me.
But I feel it between my legs, warm and slick with tingles racing around like bees ready to attack.
“Hey, you okay?” Nox stands right in front of me and as I look up, his gorgeous brown eyes sparkle back at me. They have specks of gold in them that flicker every once in a while. Sucking in my lip, I shake all the thoughts out.
“I’m good. I’m going to take a shower.”
He doesn’t move out of my way; instead, he gets right in it. Our bodies are so close the smell of soap tickles my nostrils. His bare chest is all I see, and my hands itch to reach out and touch it.
Nox’s hand comes to the side of my face as I jerk up to look at him. The touch is so tender that something inside me opens. His finger traces along my b
ottom lip.
Breaths won’t come.
Time stands still.
The earth freezes on its axis.
Fire burns in his gaze. “I’m going to kiss you now.”
“What?” I whisper, wanting desperately for him to kiss me, but terrified at the same time. Kissing has always been a job or chore. Enjoyment was never part of it.
Nox leans down and brushes his lips over mine, then looks down at me hunger burning brightly. “Is that okay?”
Nodding is all I can do because shock has made my feet and tongue unable to move.
“Good,” he says softly, coming back down to me.
This time he full on kisses me, my hands coming to his hips for support. This is bad, but it’s so good. One time. I get this one time to feel something other than hurt and betrayal.
I’m being selfish because I’m taking it.
Our lips dance as if we’ve done this forever and we know what each other likes. He grips the back of my head positioning me exactly where he needs me. His kisses are not forced, they are leisurely as if he has all the time in the world with me.
The fourteen-year-old girl inside of me is squealing as the adult me arouses beyond belief.
Buck’s were hard and demanding, always taking and never giving. Nox is the opposite. Buck’s touch was always rough and callous, but Nox’s feels like I’m a precious piece of glass being held. There is such a contrast between them, and it hurts deep that Buck robbed me of so many years, not allowing me to live.
He pulls away first, closing his eyes and touching his forehead to mine. That was beautiful. Something I never thought I’d ever have, and Nox gave it to me freely.
“I’m sorry. I…”
My fingers cover my mouth as I take a step back, and embarrassment floods me. He regrets it. He did, it’s now in his eyes. The pain of that rejection is worse than anything that Buck or his friends ever did to me. It’s a pain so deep in my soul that will never be repaired. The black cavern inside of me splits open and bleeds all over.
