Guarded Dreams

by L. J. Evans

  The only thing I could take from my father’s letter was the fact that I had found something to tether me to reality—Eli. It was a reality that felt dreamlike in many ways, because it was full of all the love and joy that my father had never given me—had been incapable of giving me.

  Tomorrow, I would have Jenna and Colby. I’d have Brady and his family. I’d get a call from Eli, and before long, I’d be able to see him. I had a new dream I was working on. One that was everything my life hadn’t been with my father.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Eli

  SWEETHEART

  “One kiss and I come unglued

  You are the reason, I fall to pieces

  'Cause you're all that I adore

  You're the one my heart beats for

  And I can't believe you gave your sweet heart to me.”

  —Performed by Thomas Rhett

  —Written by Rhett / Akins / Douglas / London

  When I got off the red-eye flight, I had one missed call from Ava. I’d talked to her when she was at the restaurant with Brady and Jenna, celebrating, before I’d rushed to the airport to catch the red-eye to New York. She’d called when I’d been in flight, but she hadn’t left a message, and she hadn’t texted. I didn’t text her back. I concentrated on making it into the city from the airport in time for her morning graduation.

  Ava had been set to give away all but two of her tickets for graduation before Brady had picked them up, telling her he needed them for extended family. She had given them to him without question, and he’d given them to me. I’d used them to make sure Ava had people filling the seats for her.

  When I got through airport security, Mac and Truck were waiting for me. They were both dressed in jeans and button-downs, looking respectable. I was surprised that Mac wasn’t in his uniform. He loved wearing it to any event he could get away with it at.

  I wondered if he hadn’t worn it because of me. Because I was still coping, on a daily basis, with not being part of the military anymore. Working with Phil and his team was a double-edged sword. I was still close to the things I loved and yet further away. A wall between them and me that would never fade away. Not a wall…a knee of metal and screws.

  It hurt—the knee, the loss.

  I was still filling the loss with hope for my future. A future with Ava that I would attempt to make a reality as soon as I finished training. As soon as I worked out with Phil my placement in his many offices around the states.

  When I reached Mac Truck, we gave each other our customary hugs, be damned what the world around us thought. Then, we made our way out to where they’d parked my truck. I let Truck drive. I was exhausted from the red-eye and yet full of energy at the thought of seeing Ava, of surprising her.

  I put on a fresh coat of deodorant and changed my shirt while we drove. It wasn’t the best way to show up at a graduation, but I was there. I wasn’t going to let her do this day on her own.

  I knew Jenna from the pictures on Ava’s phone, and I’d texted her to let her know about the surprise. When we got to the auditorium, I easily spotted her strawberry-blonde hair that trailed behind her like Ava’s used to. She was sitting beside a tall, dark fellow that I assumed was her fiancé, Colby.

  Instead of shaking my hand, Jenna hugged me.

  “I’m so happy to finally meet you,” she said.

  She released me, and we all shook hands as I introduced Mac Truck, and she introduced Colby. Then, I heard my name and turned to see Mom and Leena making their way toward us through the crowded seats. Mom’s red hair was fuller and her smile brighter than when I’d left her almost a month ago. My chest expanded with relief. She wore a colorful dress full of cats. Mom at her best.

  I hugged her tightly, and then we were both wrapped in Leena’s arms as she hugged us too. Leena’s gray hair was up in a bun that looked like an attempt to copy Ava’s messy one, her flowy dress making her look more artist than teacher.

  I introduced everyone one more time before we all sat down to wait for the graduates.

  When I spotted her, she seemed to glow, her cap and gown unable to hide the shine that was Ava. Her face was smiling, but she also looked tired, almost as if she’d been crying, and my heart lurched at the thought of the missed call. Brady was behind her. He looked tired too, and I hoped that nothing had gone wrong with the record deal.

  “What time did you all stop drinking?” I asked Jenna.

  Jenna turned to me. “Early, really. Around ten, why?”

  “She looks like she’s been crying.”

  Jenna looked back toward her friend, and her hand went to her chest. “She does. And she never cries.”

  Ava’s best friend and I shared a look of worry.

  When Ava was close enough to us, we all shouted her name. She turned to the seats and saw us, freezing. It caused the line behind her to stutter and stop.

  Her face lit up. A smile so huge and full of so much love that I wanted to run over and kiss her. To make sure that she never stopped being lit up. She waved. Brady prodded her in the back, and she said something to him that had them both smiling, and then they made it to their seats.

  I knew I had the goofy smile on my face. The one I only wore for her. I knew Mom and Leena would be teasing me about condom boxes, and Mac Truck would just be teasing me, but I didn’t care. Ava knew I was there. I’d made it. That was all that mattered.

  My phone vibrated.

  MY LIGHT: You’re here!

  ME: Yes. Is this proper graduation etiquette? To be texting during the speeches?

  MY LIGHT: Your whole family is here!

  I loved that she included Mac Truck in that statement.

  MY LIGHT: Why? How?

  ME: It’s what family does. We show up.

  Even over the distance, I could see her wipe her eyes as she read my text. I hated that I’d made her cry, but I could only hope that it was happy tears and know that I’d be able to hold her in just a few minutes.

  It seemed like it took forever for them to finish the graduation ceremony, for them to hand out diplomas, and finally throw their hats in the air. It was forever until I got to find her in the crowd and sweep her off her feet with a hug first and then a kiss.

  “I’m so proud of you,” I whispered in her ear. She sniffled, holding back the tears that I knew she’d been crying. I didn’t get to ask about them, because my mom pulled us apart.

  “Let her go, Doodles. The rest of us want to hug her too,” Mom said with a laugh.

  I sort of let her go, but I still had my hand tangled with hers while everyone who’d come to see her hugged her too, and she let them.

  “I can’t believe you’re all here. How did you all even get tickets?” Ava asked.

  “That would be my extended family,” Brady said, coming up behind her with a sea of his own family with him. An older man and woman, which must have been his parents, a young girl that I suspected was a sister, and then Georgie from the Pink Poodle. Today, her hair was jet black, and her eyes were such a dark blue that they were almost black, dark puddles that matched her black dress and black heels.

  “Brady!” Ava said with an exasperated laugh.

  “I asked him to make sure you didn’t give them away.”

  She squeezed my hand.

  “Ready to head over to the restaurant?” Brady asked, and we all agreed we were.

  The restaurant was the Italian place that Ava had first taken Mac Truck and me to. The hostess, whose name eluded me, was still there, and her eyes lit up on seeing Brady. She congratulated Ava and Brady and then led us to a small room at the back that Brady had rented out. It was tight for the crowd that we had, but it worked.

  Ava slid her gown off, and I almost lost all ability to think about anything but her. She had on a purple dress that clung to her lithe frame in a way that left little room for anything else. Like always, she took my breath away. Gorgeous beyond anything I’d ever encountered.

&nb
sp; I slid my hands around her waist, pulling her body up to mine. I kissed her, and she responded with the same intensity she always did. I pulled my lips away with a quiet groan. “It’s going to kill me to see you in that dress all day.”

  She smirked. “Then just imagine taking it off later.”

  I groaned again. “That’s exactly the problem. Thanks for not helping at all.”

  She laughed and pulled away from me to join my mom at the table. Mac had somehow finagled his way into sitting beside Georgie. I watched in amazement as he stuttered a response to something she said.

  Mac was never one to lose his cool around the ladies. He was normally smooth like honey. I made a note to harass him about it later and nudged Truck with a nod in Mac’s direction so that he’d do the same. He gave me a large smile that I loved seeing on my friend’s face. Ava, and the orbit that swung around her, had changed us all.

  When the gifts started floating around the room, Ava pulled the present out from her bag, and I took it from her hand and put it back inside.

  “Later,” I told her, and she looked up at me with happy eyes and just nodded.

  ♫ ♫ ♫

  We stayed at the restaurant until well into the afternoon, then slowly started to filter away. Mom and Leena were off to the train station to head back to New London. Jenna and Colby were off to the hotel. Their flight was early the next morning. Like mine. Like Ava’s. She was heading out to Texas with them.

  Truck waited by the door. He asked, “Are you heading back to the apartment?”

  “Ava?” I asked her. I hadn’t made plans past showing up at her graduation. All I knew was that I wasn’t letting her get away from me before I’d seen her out of that purple dress.

  “I have a room at the hotel that Jenna and Colby are at, but I have to go back to the dorm room to pick up my bag.”

  “Would you like an uninvited guest?” I asked, my voice deep with longing that I knew she could hear.

  “Uninvited, invited. I’ll take you whenever I can get you,” she said. My body reacted. My smile widened.

  Truck guffawed, and Ava slapped him. “Get your head out of the gutter, Travis.”

  He smiled. “Mac?” Truck called.

  Mac was standing with Georgie, model tall and gorgeous in her own way that was so unlike Ava’s. She could almost look Mac in the eye with her heels, which was saying a lot as Mac was an easy six foot four. Georgie laughed at something he said but then left him to say goodbye to Brady before making her way over to where Ava was at my side.

  “Congratulations, girl,” Georgie said. “I’m going to miss you two helping me at open mic night.”

  Ava kissed her cheek. “I’m going to miss you, too. If you ever need a vacation, you can come hang with me on the beach in Rockport.”

  “It’s a deal,” she said and then swayed away with Mac staring after her like he’d just lost a puppy.

  “Eli’s staying with Ava, so it’s just you and me out tonight,” Truck said to him.

  “Sounds good. I have to catch the early train, anyway.”

  Ava and I exchanged hugs and goodbyes with them. As my two best friends started to walk away, I hollered after them, “Remember to stay away from the red button, asswipe.”

  Mac stuck up his middle finger at me, and I just laughed and then turned back to Ava. She was looking up at me with a grin that I couldn’t help returning.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” she said again. She’d said it several times.

  “It would have taken a lot more than four thousand miles to keep me away.”

  We made our way back to her dorm room for the last time, her body swaying against mine in a way that made me want to stay like that forever. The sway soothed me like when I was on deck of a boat.

  At the dorm room, I helped her pack the few things she’d left out, grabbing the things off the desk in her room. That’s when I saw the crumpled paper. Crumpled paper and Ava went hand in hand. It was often the sign of a song that was eluding her. One that she’d eventually come back to.

  “Do you want me to grab…” my voice trailed away as I saw “Father” written in a masculine hand at the bottom.

  I’d scanned the letter by the time she made it back into the room from the bathroom. My heart was aching, because I knew why I’d had a missed call and why she’d looked like she’d been crying when I’d first seen her.

  I turned to her as she came in and grabbed her by the waist, hauling her up against me. I buried my head in her neck, kissing her there before moving my lips across her cheeks and her nose and her mouth, before pulling away and staring into her eyes. When she tried to look away, I grabbed her chin and gently turned it back.

  “He isn’t worth your tears,” I told her quietly.

  She closed her eyes and then opened them again, meeting my fierce look with her own. “I know, but the tears actually felt good, like I was finally able to cry after he hadn’t let me for years.”

  My brow creased in confusion at her words.

  “What do you mean?”

  “If I cried, he punished me more. So, the tears…they were kind of cathartic. They were a way of saying that he couldn’t do anything to me anymore.”

  I kissed her because I didn’t know what else to do. Kissed her to show her that she was loved. That she didn’t need him. That she now had people in her life that would let her be herself no matter what that looked like—tears, smiles, songs, and all.

  Chapter Thirty

  Ava

  OH, WHAT A WORLD

  “Did I know you once in another life?

  Are we here just once or a billion times?

  …but it doesn't matter

  'Cause you're here right now.”

  —Performed by Kacey Musgraves

  —Written by Tashian / Fitchuk / Musgraves

  My joy at seeing Eli and his family in the stands at graduation took all the hurt I’d felt at my father’s letter, bundled it up, and sent it away. While the family in the stands wasn’t mine by blood, they were there, making me theirs anyway, making my new dream come true already.

  That joy carried me through the day. Eli’s touch kept me grounded and yet floating at the same time. It made me realize how much I missed him. Life kept placing us so close that we touched and entwined, but then it pulled us back apart. I wanted to get to the part of our story where we found a path together. For the moment, I was going to have to be satisfied with seeing him, being held by him.

  When he found my father’s letter in my dorm room, it reminded me again of the pieces of the letter that had been true. I’d found success. My songs were being sung. And I’d found a tether in the real world. I’d found Eli.

  When we got to my hotel room, we lost ourselves to everything but each other and the demand our bodies had to touch, to reclaim the pieces that had been torn away from our grasps by a divide the size of a continent.

  When we’d finally found the pieces and put them back together, we lay, tangled in the bedsheets. Both smiling. Both happy. Both sated.

  “Where’s the present?” Eli asked.

  “In my bag,” I said.

  He pulled away and walked, naked, over to my slouch bag that I’d had for as long as I’d known him and pulled the box from it. The present was a little mangled, paper and ribbons mushed from being taken everywhere, but the marks I’d made were still there, showing that I hadn’t opened it.

  “Okay. Open it,” he said, coming back and putting the gift on my stomach.

  “I don’t really want to,” I told him honestly.

  He frowned. “Why?”

  “It…it’s just this part of you that I’ve been carrying around and…” I trailed off. As stupid as it seemed, the gift had made me feel not so alone. Now, I was going to be leaving everything, going back to Rockport by myself, and I wouldn’t even have the stupid box to go with me.

  “I know I haven’t been here to hold you. To help you through these
last few weeks. I know that I’m still not going to be with you when you go back to Rockport and I go back to California.” His voice was quiet and somber. “But if you open the gift, you’ll see that it’ll be okay. It’ll be like I’m here with you always. Like I’m holding you.”

  I wiped at a tear that had leaked from my eye, but I would no longer stop them from coming. Tears were a part of life. They were okay. With trembling fingers, I put a fingernail under the wrinkled corner of the box, and with a last moment of regret, tore it open.

  All along, I’d known it was a jewelry box. It was the size of a jewelry box, after all. I wasn’t worried that it was a ring. I didn’t think Eli would have given it to me when he’d thought there was a chance he couldn’t be with me in person. He wouldn’t propose over the phone on graduation day. He wasn’t impulsive like me. That was more something I would do—unable to wait, like I’d been unable to wait to tell him I loved him. Truth was, we weren’t ready for a proposal. We still had too many unanswered questions in our lives.

  When I opened the box, it was a necklace—platinum setting, an oval filled with abalone surrounded with tiny diamonds that were probably only crystals but still shone brightly. The abalone was a swirl of blues and pinks and greens, more vivid than most abalone you saw, unless the shell was wet and sparkling with the sunlight. It was exceptional even if it wasn’t expensive.

  “I know it isn’t really worth much—” he started, but I cut him off.

  “Aurora Borealis,” I sighed.

  He smiled, relieved that I’d caught on. How could I not? He’d taken me to see the painting on the day he’d given me the gift.

  “It’s so lovely,” I told him honestly, tears now a hopeless trail down my face.

  He wiped at my tears but didn’t tell me not to cry. Then, he took the necklace from its box and moved behind me so he could clasp it around my neck. His fingers danced over the skin at my neck, across my shoulders, and down my arms. “Now, you can still take the present with you everywhere. Except, it’ll be around your neck, and it can be like I’m with you, with my arms around you, even when I’m not.”