Josephine Marlin and The Alternatives

by Karen Eastland

  Ma and Oma would call everyone into the house. Oma picks up a gift, reads the label (it takes a while, but it’s all part of the celebrations), then calls out the name. Everyone gets a gift from Ann and Debs family. It’s always jumpers, beanies or scarves, in the middle of summer, but so worth the wait to have your name called.

  ‘It’s all about the love,’ the twins say. ‘We all knit or crochet something throughout the year because Oma says, “it’s the gift you give when love is all you need to bring a family together”.’

  Sure, we all get beautiful jewellery and custom-made handbags, but the gift of love is what stays in our hearts. They are the things I hold dear. I have the scarf Ya-Ya made for me last year, in my box of Christmas love I keep under my bed.

  I love the feel of the excitement brimming inside me. Every year, I wait with bated breath for my name to be called. I’m not sure why it is, but I value the joy, and the love shared in that moment of receiving a lopsided crocheted beanie more than anything.

  After the gift-giving, the dancing starts again, along with lots of hugs and kisses. It’s a real loving family Christmas.

  It’s so much nicer than my families Christmas, which involves a cheque in an envelope and Mother saying, ‘Buy yourself something nice dear.’

  Deb and Ann’s heritage stories are also way more in-depth than the sliver of information I get from my parents. I don’t mind saying theirs is more fantastic than mine could ever be. It’s possible I could make a claim to royalty, but their claim is tied to the divine.

  They say, and I quote: “It’s a female thing in our family. Oma says we’re divine”.

  We all work together. Our days are filled with coffee breaks, and what we laughingly refer to as ESMs (Emergency Staff Meetings). Our nights are full of laughter, microwaved popcorn, and bottles of Shiraz. We top it all off with repeat showings of one of our favourite b-grade movies.

  Not only do we work together, but we also live close to each other. Except for Kaz, I’ve never been to Kaz’s place. I’ve looked her address up in the staff files, but it doesn’t exist. I couldn’t even find it on Google maps.

  ‘How could I know someone for twenty years, and not know where they lived?’

  Kaz may be the angriest person I’ve ever met, but she’s our friend, and we try to help her as much as we can. Though, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, you really can only help someone so much. Even the stink of our dungeon couldn’t hide the smell of the oils Kaz uses to tame her frizzy black curls.

  That’s right, oils, and I’m not talking sandalwood. I’m talking sump.

  There was the sound of muffled footsteps just outside the door, and Ann started to sob again.

  The noise startled me, and I came crashing out of my thoughts back to the land of stink and slime.

  ‘Thanks a lot, Ann,’ I thought.

  I wanted her to stop crying, and Kaz was no help. So I reassured her I could get us out.

  ‘It’ll be all right Ann,’ I whispered. ‘You’ll see.’

  It seemed to work because her sobs reduced to an occasional whimper.

  ‘That’s it,’ I said. ‘I’ll sort it out. Okay?’

  ‘Okay.’

  I had no idea how I was going to sort it out because I didn’t know where I was, or why. Ann seemed to have some idea, but she was in and out of tears and couldn’t, or wouldn’t, answer my questions.

  I found myself transfixed by the thin, barely visible line of light along the bottom of the door. It was our only source of light and likely our only way out. I couldn’t see a painted over window, nor feel a breeze from some hidden doorway somewhere. No, I was sure that door was our only way out, and none of us were going to fit under it.

  I heard footsteps again, they were getting louder and then they seemed to stop. I thought they’d moved on, but when a shadow broke the light, my heart leapt into my throat.

  Someone was standing just outside the door.

  I heard raspy breathing, then a scraping noise. Another shiver ran up my spine when the sound of a lock releasing echoed through the room. The door began to open, and a small sliver of greenish coloured light stretched out across the filthy white tiled floor.

  From where I was sitting, the dim light of the doorway revealed four stylishly shod feet, and two that weren’t.

  ‘What the fuck?’ I said loud enough for it to echo. ‘Pumps, Kaz?’

  Those words continued to echo several times around the room before coming to a stop at my wide eyes. I decided we’d talk later and looked back towards the partially open door.

  ‘Who’s there?’ I called out and immediately regretted it.

  The door flew open, and I heard someone moving towards me. The last thing I remember was something hard hit me on the side of the head… and the noise of gas flowing in from a pipe somewhere.

  Then everything went black.

  Near Death Experience

  The next time I opened my eyes the green light had disappeared, and I was lying in darkness again. I wasn’t sure if I’d only woken because of the stench in the room. As I tried to sit, my wee soaked hair swung out and splashed back against my chest. At least my migraine had reduced to a mild headache, though that could be because I ached everywhere else, and it only appeared to have eased off.

  Groaning, I took hold of the taut chain along the wall to help me sit up, that’s when I heard the leaking gas noise again.

  ‘Oh God!’ was my panicked thought. ‘Does the chain release a gas into the room every time I pull it?’

  I quickly released my grip and had just pressed my back against the wall, when someone put their hand on my leg.

  ‘Kaz?’ I asked, pulling away sharply, still wondering what the hell had happened. The hand clasped my leg tighter.

  ‘You don’t need to whack me over the head twice,’ I thought.

  ‘That’s you isn’t it?’ I whispered into the dark.

  ‘Yeah, I was just checkin’ you were still alive… also waiting for you to wake up… Again… and can you please stop moving away from me?’ Kaz said.

  ‘Yes, I’m still alive,’ I said indignantly while moving back towards her voice. ‘You half scared me to death though.’

  I was about to continue asking questions when Kaz interrupted me.

  ‘If you shut up for a second, we’ll tell you what we know.’

  ‘Alright,’ I said, lifting my hand to my nose, ‘but there better be a bloody good reason I’m sitting in the dark, on a cold, wet floor that smells like piss. Is it just the three of us?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ann said, taking a big sniff, ‘it’s only us.’

  ‘Do we know where here is, and who the hell whacked me across the head? Do you know gas is being piped into the room?’ I asked, then pulled a little on the chain again, but there was nothing.

  ‘Maybe I just dreamed that, Brain?’

  ‘Maybe, Josephine.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Ann asked sounding confused.

  ‘You know,’ Kaz said, ‘if you just stop talking… Yes, it was Pony. She stopped by my house two days ago, and like a fool I invited her in. I knew there was something off about her! Then I blacked out and woke up here.’

  ‘Oh, that’s what happened to me,’ I said. ‘Hang on, how does Pony know where you live?’

  Kaz grunted, and I knew from experience it was dangerous to continue along that line of questioning.

  ‘Pony showed up on our doorstep too,’ Ann said, breaking the awkward silence that had started to develop. ‘It was around five, Sunday morning.’

  ‘Last Sunday?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, last Sunday. It was still dark out, and Deb had just gone next door to drop some milk off before Ma got up,’ Ann said, then paused briefly, then said, ‘Deb must be frantic!’

  ‘I haven’t been in the office all week so I couldn’t tell you. Mother sent me to Melbourne to talk with an Art dealer, and I lost my phone! My whole life was on that bloody thing,’ I complained. ‘I’m sure I left it in a ta
xi. I’ve called around, but no-one’s handed it in.’

  I stopped for a moment and thought about all the memories I’d lost.

  ‘I told you to save them to the cloud Josephine,’ said Brain, who was starting to piss me off.

  ‘I tried to call you and Deb on Monday evening from the hotel, to see how work was without me, but no-one picked up. I know why you didn’t, but why didn’t Deb?’

  ‘You know what she’s like; Deb doesn’t answer “caller unknown” numbers. She’s scared it could be one of her ex-boyfriends.’

  ‘Aren’t they all in jail now?’ I asked, with a hint of a smile in my voice.

  ‘You’re right, most of them are,’ Ann said with a grimace in her voice.

  ‘Anyway,’ I continued. ‘Pony grabbed me just after I got home… You’re right though; Deb must be out of her mind looking for you. It’s a good thing it’s only been a few days.’

  ‘Oh! I hadn’t thought of that,’ said Ann. ‘No proof of life needed yet then.’

  I smiled, remembering the proof of life experiments we’d conducted when we were teenagers, but more on that later. I could tell Ann was moving through a range of emotions. Sad, angry then sad again. I think hope paid a visit when she remembered Deb wouldn’t stop looking for her.

  ‘Deb and I were still hung-over from Saturday night,’ she continued, ‘and we’d just had a good laugh about… Oh wait, could that be why Pony’s gone all Bride of Chucky on us?’

  ‘What do you…? Oh… Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘I think I remember… it’s coming back now.’

  I laughed to myself, well, almost to myself. Saturday night. It started out as usual. We’d all got tipsy on cheap wine, slapped on some make-up, dressed to impress and staggered to the first in a row of clubs.

  ‘I think I was offering rides on the Pony?’ I said, struggling to remember. ‘Did I offer SS up for Pony rides?’

  ‘Yes you did,’ whispered Ann, her words were accompanied by a soft laugh.

  At least the tears were drying up.

  ‘And um… did I get any takers?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Kaz, who sounded as if everything was all my fault.

  ‘Was one of them called Horse? I kinda remember a Horsey?’ I asked with all the innocence of a puppy that had cleaned up the last of the cream cake on the coffee table. I might’ve been able to feign ignorance to my actions, but the cream caught in my jowls was always going to betray me.

  ‘Yep,’ whispered Ann, ‘and, before you’d let him ride the Pony, you made him show you why his mates called him that.’

  I let out a low laugh, remembering why he was called Horse.

  ‘C’mon,’ I said. ‘That can’t be why SS’s gone all Chucky on us. I mean, it was a good time had by all, right? Right? You had a good time didn’t you Kaz?’

  The mood seemed to lighten a little Considering the circumstances, the memory of Horse standing there in all his glory, and Pony’s wide-eyed transfixed stare, shifting into an embarrassed red blush that spread across her face and down her neck, seemed to lighten the mood. I’m pretty sure I even heard Kaz laugh a little, or maybe it was a growl. It’s hard to tell.

  ‘So what’s the big whoop? Has she said anything to either of you?’

  ‘Nothing,’ said Kaz, who appeared to have gotten over her earlier wheezing. ‘I got a decent look at her when she stormed in here to whack you on the head with a toilet brush. She still looked strange to me. And I know strange…’

  Kaz seemed to stop herself from finishing that sentence. In hindsight, I should have prodded for more information.

  ‘Toilet brush,’ I winced, thinking about the future ramifications. ‘I’m never going to live that one down, “Old Jo, she can handle a bottle of cheap wine, but whack her with a toilet brush, and she’s out for the count”. And what about the gas pipe?’

  ‘I have no idea what you’re on about,’ said Ann. ‘I’ve been here a while, and I’ve not heard a leaking gas pipe. What about you Kaz?’

  ‘Nope, no leaking gas. You must’ve imagined it.’

  I was still thinking about the toilet brush and had moved from grief, straight to denial.

  ‘How’d you know it was a toilet brush, Kaz? Could it have been some other kind of brush? It’s pitch-black in here.’

  ‘Ya see that light under the door there?’ Kaz asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘Well, when Pony opens that door over there, the light you see at the bottom… that gets bigger,’ she explained to me as if I was a five-year-old.

  ‘Thank you for sharing how light works,’ I said with a strained voice.

  Trying to ignore Kaz, and the toilet brush incident, I’d begun to feel a little confused about the gas, or air, that was escaping from something, somewhere. It was probably something to do with me pulling on the chain. So decided I wouldn’t touch it again, and put it to one side while we examined our weekend together.

  We talked about the events of our last weekend together, and what could’ve happened between Saturday night and Sunday morning to make Pony want to kidnap us. I also made sure it was understood I thought Pony could have found a nicer place to hold us hostage. Ann agreed, but she was barely holding it together, and Kaz, well Kaz was her usual unhelpful self.

  ‘We’re in a dark wet smelly room Jo,’ is all Kaz could offer in our, ‘How the fuck did we get here discussion.’

  I realised pretty quickly that as long as I remained calm, Ann didn’t cry as much, and I needed Ann to have a level head if we were going to any chance of getting out. She’d calmed enough to be able to hold a conversation, and that was all we needed to come up with a plan.

  ‘Look, there’s three of us and one of her,’ I said. ‘What if we move closer to that door and overpower her the next time she comes in. Do you think we can do that?’

  ‘You’ve overlooked a flaw in that plan,’ said Kaz. ‘Stand up!’

  She may as well have finished it with, ‘I dare you!’

  I didn’t want to put my hands on the floor, but pressed them into the sewage anyway, because I was getting out of wherever the hell we were as soon as possible. Lowering my hands and knees to the wet floor, I shuddered as it soaked straight through to my skin and into every pore.

  It was the wick effect.

  ‘You would think by now you would not notice it anymore, Josephine,’ said Brain, as another familiar splash shot up the sleeves of my blouse.

  Putting both heels as firmly as I could on the floor, I realised I was holding onto the chain when I heard the gas noise again.

  ‘There,’ I said as I stopped in a crouched position and put my hands back on the floor and waited for it to stop. ‘Did you hear it that time?’

  ‘You know, I think I did,’ said Ann. ‘Shush, let me listen… It seems to have stopped.’

  ‘Here, I’ll try to grab the chain along the wall again, that’s when it makes the loudest noise.’

  I pulled on the chain a little, I didn’t want to release too much gas, and the familiar sound of air, or gas, escaping reached my ears.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ said Ann. ‘I can hear it. Oh wow, has Pony been gassing me the whole time I’ve been here?’

  ‘I don’t know about that. It only seems to leak into the room when I put pressure on the chain. Have you done that a lot?’ I asked.

  ‘No, I didn’t know the chain was there,’ said Ann.

  ‘For fuck’s sake,’ Kaz wheezed out. Sit the fuck down, Josephine!’

  My friends never use my full name. Usually, it’s just Jo.

  ‘Just give me a second,’ I said, and I’d managed to move up a little from my crouching position before realising something was stopping me from standing any further.

  I wasn’t touching the chain, but for some reason, the gas began to get piped into the room again, and I could hear a strange noise. It grew louder the more I moved, and it sounded familiar. I recalled hearing it during my earlier attempts but had chosen to ignore it. I couldn’t ignore it now.

  ‘What
is that noise?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s me,’ Kaz wheezed out. ‘You’re actually killing me. Sit the fuck down; I’m dying here. Every time you move, the chain tightens around my waist and cuts off my oxygen.’

  I sat down as quick as I could, which wasn’t hard, I just let my heels slip out from under me, but damn was my arse getting a hiding. As I hit the floor, I heard Kaz let out a hoarse mix of air and a weird distorted guttural groan.

  ‘So that would be the leaking gas pipe Jo kept hearing?’ Ann asked, then was sure I heard her laugh. In fact, I was certain of it when she let out a short, loud, belly laugh.

  ‘What the hell?’ I asked in surprise, completely ignoring Kaz’s near death experience. ‘Are we chained to the wall?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Kaz.

  If Kaz wasn’t so pissed at me I could’ve sworn she sounded a little too pleased about it all.

  ‘We’re chained around the waist,’ Kaz continued, ‘and at the feet, just above your Chantilli Mindurah Lace-ups, and my Pamela ‘S’ Pumps! I’ll never get a refund for them now.’

  Maybe Kaz was coming around after all.

  I was trying desperately not to join Ann in her silent laughter, and Kaz’s wheezing had begun to ease. Then sudden relief washed over me.

  ‘You realise,’ I said with a smile. I pushed my back against the wall feeling relaxed for the first time, ‘Pony isn’t as mad at us as we thought.’

  ‘What the hell makes you think that?’ Kaz spat out. ‘She stormed in here and whacked you around the head with a toilet brush. What the hell makes you think she’s not angry at us?’

  ‘Because, my lovely friends, she still cares about our shoes.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Ann.

  ‘But you can’t stand my pumps,’ said Kaz.

  ‘Pony’s always been an equal footed opportunist,’ I quipped.

  It was all too much for Ann. She let out a snort as she tried to hide her laughter, and I was sure I heard a laugh bubble out from Kaz’s taut pursed lips.

  ‘Okay, new plan,’ I said, breaking through the minuscule bouts of laughter. ‘We apologise if we went too far, then she’ll forgive us like always, and we can all go home. Right?’