Josephine Marlin and The Alternatives

by Karen Eastland

  After a few minutes, I knew exactly what I was holding, and quickly pushed it away. It was a bone, and I had an uneasy feeling I was lying on top of a bone pit.

  ‘When I died, the banshee must’ve thrown me into her pit Brain.’

  ‘Yes, Josephine. I believe you are right.’

  It felt like a lot of bones, and it was definitely one of those times Brain should have stepped in, and warned me not to do what I was doing… but he didn’t.

  What was I doing you ask?

  Well, I was trying to wipe my hands on my jeans in a vain attempt to remove the bugs and diseases from the bone.

  Stupid move right?

  Yep, it surely was, and you’d think by then I’d have stopped worrying about a bit of ooze, slime, blood, and guts… But no. I continued mouthing the word ewwww, while wiping my hands on my jeans, until the floor gave way beneath me.

  I screamed as it crumbled, and began sliding down a chute. Bones, sharp ouchy bones of all shapes and sizes fell with me. I could feel them slicing into my skin, and there was nothing to grab hold of, nor to, to stop my fall.

  With my arms flying around as I fell, I came to an abrupt stop.

  The chute was blocked.

  Looking up, I couldn’t see anything. The pin holes of moonlight had disappeared, and only darkness remained. I’d fallen about six feet from where I’d been laying and knew I was trapped. I was caught between sharp bones, and something else.

  My night was complete; I was now a plug.

  I couldn’t go up, and couldn’t go down. I was able to move my hands and feet, but not my body.

  ‘What the hell?’ I whispered, and it echoed out of the chute. ‘Brain?’

  ‘I know Josephine. It’s a fine mess you have gotten us into this time.’

  ‘What?’ I asked, feeling justified in my exasperation. ‘I can’t climb back up because the rocks too smooth. I can’t get a grip on anything other than the bone surrounding me… and where the hell were you with your, “I am keeping my warnings for the big ones…” this is a pretty freakin’ big one Brain…’

  His silence was deafening as I calmed myself, and began to feel around looking to see if there was a way to dislodge… anything. I almost cried thinking I was going to waste away until I died, then I’d wake up and do it all over again. I was never going to get out of the chute.

  ‘It’s a steep climb back to the top,’ I whimpered while feeling around. ‘What I wouldn’t do to continue the slide downwards, but I have no idea how to get out of this shit pile.’

  ‘Careful what you wish for Josephine.’

  ‘Oh, you’re still there, are you? Nice of you to join today’s showing of Josephine plays the part of a fidget spinner. Just press her head and watch her legs move. Thanks for nothing Brain.’

  I was wedged against sharp bones and a smooth rock wall, and of course a little of something else, something soft and squishy.

  My options were limited.

  The soft and squishy was pressing up against the right side of my body. I didn’t know what it was, but if I were ever going to get out, it would be my best option, but it smelled like death.

  ‘How I’d love to be sitting in Horse juice,’ I reminisced.

  Sighing, I realised the only way I was going to slide out, was to dig around in the rotting remains of whoever, or whatever had me wedged. I was stuck in an actual sewer pipe.

  First, I tried kicking my legs back and forth in an effort to slip out, without ever having to touch the slimy, squishy carcass pressed in against me. I even tried holding in my stomach, to see if I could make it move enough for me to slide. All while hoping I’d miss the mess when I landed.

  I knew I could heal and was certain I’d much rather land on a sharp bone, than the bloated carcass, which would definitely explode on contact.

  Trying everything to dislodge it without me having to start peeling away at whatever was rotting next to me, I found that nothing would give way. After a long pause and an even longer sigh, I decided I’d better get started. Then I recalled that once we’d entered the cave, time stopped for my friends, so they wouldn’t even know something was wrong, and wouldn’t come looking for me.

  ‘Ready Brain?’

  ‘No!’

  I closed my eyes, screwed up my nose, pulled my head back, and turned my face away as I reached into the creature. My hand slipped straight into it. I almost threw up as I pulled a large lump of what I think was skin and fur out of the carcass. It was almost too much to bear. I hadn’t given any thought about what I intended to do with it, and I’d been through too much to allow a handful of stinking rotting flesh, to be the thing that made me throw up.

  There wasn’t any room to put it, other than under my left armpit. I thought about throwing it up to see if I could toss it out of the chute, but the way my luck had been going, it would’ve just fallen back down on my head.

  Retching as my hand tucked the large gooey mess under my arm; it was hope against hope that it would be enough to make the blockage move. It didn’t. The upchuck factor was really pushing its luck, and I’d have thrown up at that point if not for the very real fear of inhaling… well… anything.

  Reaching into the carcass for another grab, I heard an odd noise. (I know right! That’s always fun, isn’t it?) So I stopped with my hand inside the carcass and listened.

  A slow, high-pitched screaming sound began to echo around the chute. It sounded as if it was coming from under me. It was like someone was waiting below with a balloon, and was stretching the blow section to let the air out. Other than that, I couldn’t think what it was. It did sound a little like Kaz in the morgue basement all those hours ago.

  ‘How bad can that sound be Brain?’

  ‘How bad indeed!’

  Just as I finished discussing the possibilities with Brain, the noise stopped, and the bloated carcass began to shrink slowly. Thinking everything would be alright, I started to slide down a little. After a few seconds of inch by inch sliding, I suddenly found myself flying down as the carcass exploded.

  I was riding a sea of gaseous furry skin, blood, guts, and other fluids. Sharp bones were slicing at my arms, face, and stomach, and I was moving so fast, I couldn’t wipe anything off my face. I had an unnerving feeling, that whatever had hit me during the explosion, was nothing compared to what was following me down the chute.

  It was hoped against hope that there was a river at the end of the ride.

  It wasn’t a river. It was another bone pit, at the bottom of another cave, and I can’t say for sure that the bones I heard breaking as I landed, weren’t mine.

  There was pain in every part of my body. It hurt so much; I let out a scream or three. I’d just landed on a pile of old bones from a long drop. Anything was possible, but I had no time to piss fart around. I fought through my pain and rolled off the tower of bones as fast as I could.

  I was just hoping I could make safe distance before the gore; I could still hear running down the chute, hit. It felt like the bones had accumulated over decades, because the roll from the peak to the floor, took a minute or two. I lay on the cave floor in excruciating pain, believing I’d cleared the area of impact. The last of the blood and juices squirted out. It must’ve been coming down so fast, it flew past the bones, to smack me in the face.

  ‘Finally, you finally won,’ I thought, as I began to throw up.

  ‘Ewwww,’ said Brain. ‘That was nasty.’

  ‘Shut up!’ I thought, as another load of old bone shot out, hit the tower, and splashed more of whatever that beast was all over me.

  Lifting the edge of my thoroughly disgusting blouse to my face, I once again used it to try to wipe away the juices. I so wanted to get up and move but was pretty well certain that one or more of the breaks were my legs. I had a little cry while waiting to heal, and I didn’t know what would be better, screaming in pain, or keeping my mouth and eyes shut to keep the juices out. I chose the latter.

  I was unsure if my screams could be heard by the
banshee.

  Everything was okay, although every time I tried to move, I’d throw up again.

  I had so much shit on me that I decided to take my blouse off, turn it inside out, and attempted to fool myself into believing it was the clean side. Then used it to wipe my face, hair, and hands.

  ‘I’m burning this shirt when we get home Brain.’

  ‘Good,’ he said. ‘Because I would not wish to be seen with you if you ever wear it again.’

  ‘Shut up!’ I thought, just as another bubble of vomit rose up in the back of my throat, and spewed from my mouth.

  I felt the bones in my legs heal. There was an audible crackle, like a spark of electricity, that charged through my body, knitting my bones together as it travelled through to my feet. Testing everything before standing, by flexing and stretching, I felt confident enough to say I was good to begin searching for a way out.

  It was so dark; I couldn’t see anything. The cave was deeper in the system than the other one, so there was no roof leading to the outside to let any moonlight in. It was pitch-black, and every step I took, cracked and crunched. It was a good feeling. When I trod on something soft and squishy, I’d begin to projectile vomit again. I no longer had control over it.

  Feeling along the wall with my hands, running them up and down, I finally found a small opening low to the ground. Sucking up my fear, I put my hand into it.

  ‘What could possibly happen to me that hasn’t all ready,’ I thought while feeling around inside it. It felt like another smooth tunnel. I knew it’d be a tight fit and wasn’t sure if I should try.

  ‘What if I get stuck halfway down?’ I thought. ‘If only those three souls were still on my shoulder, then I’d be able to get a better look.’

  As if by magic (A phrase I was going to have to stop using considering… well my Brain and me), three glowing, golden souls appeared on my shoulder. I was so happy to see them, and they were happy to see me. They didn’t even seem to mind what I smelt like either.

  Their light lit up the room.

  I walked around again to see if I’d missed a larger opening somewhere, then saw the remains of the carcass. It was a deer. I could only tell by the antlers still attached to one side of its head.

  ‘The side that didn’t explode,’ I thought, as I found part of an antler hooked to my jeans pocket. Lifting my blouse to press against my mouth, I noticed stuck to one sleeve was a molar. I wasn’t sure if it belonged to the deer, or something else. What did it matter any-more!

  Picking it off, I felt the all too familiar rise of vomit within me again, but the souls began singing their sweet song, and I swallowed my urge to purge.

  ‘Andoré, we have been sent to help you see,’ they said. ‘When we are no longer needed, we must return to the Rim before the banshee senses us.’

  ‘Thank you for coming. Do you see that hole in the wall?’

  ‘Yes, Andoré.’

  ‘Could you please light my way, while I try to crawl through it?’

  ‘We will go first to see where it leads, to make sure you will fit.’

  They flew from my shoulder and danced like glowing butterflies down into the small tunnel. After a minute or two of standing in the dark, I saw their light coming back through. They danced around me from head to toe, then sat back on my shoulder.

  ‘The way is short and thin, with a pool at its end,’ they said. ‘You will fit, and we shall guide you, but then we must return to the Rim before the banshee senses our presence.’

  ‘A pool of water. What a nice surprise. I wonder if it’s where the creek get’s its water from?’

  I thought I could wash off, and freshen up a bit before looking for Pony and Dog. Thanking the souls, I kneeled on the cave floor ready for my crawl. They brushed against my cheek like a gentle kiss as they entered the tunnel in front of me. Pushing all the bones away from the entrance, I lay down on my stomach as I looked into it. It was a small tunnel, but I began pushing myself into the small opening behind them.

  Moving my head in first, with the only light ahead being the souls, I started wriggling in. It was such a tight fit that I felt my heels hit the tip of the opening as my feet slid through.

  The souls were right; it was very, very thin, and although I was using my knees and shoes to help push me along, I also had my hands outstretched in front trying to take hold of any ridges along the inside. The hole, like the banshee’s cavern entrance, was as I thought, a smooth, natural rock formation. One usually made by a constant flow of water.

  ‘What?’ I asked as the souls began talking at the same time.

  ‘She knows,’ they said. ‘Your journey is at its end. We must return to the Rim.’

  ‘But I’m still in the tunnel,’ I said, but they were already gone, not that I blame them, I would’ve left too if I could’ve.

  Crawling along a little further, I reached a place where the tunnel thinned. My hips became stuck. Twisting my torso, pushing with my feet, and pulling with my outstretched hands, I was able to squeeze through.

  All of a sudden, a familiar odour caught up in my nostrils. I didn’t know what exactly was ahead of me, but it smelled very much like the morgue basement. I guessed my dream of a clean pool of water, was just too much for the universe to provide.

  ‘What do I do?’ I asked Brain.

  ‘You cannot back out now,’ he said with the hint of a laugh, ‘so I guess its full steam ahead Josephine.’

  I was getting pretty pissed off at Brain, who seemed like he was having far too much fun at my expense. Suddenly, I realised I hadn’t put my shirt back on.

  ‘Did I bring it with me?’ I thought in a panic. I know my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets when I realised I wasn’t wearing it. There was no way I was going to be able to crawl back, so I wriggled around, pushed my hips up against the side walls, and my arse against the roof looking for it. I knew I wasn’t holding it…

  ‘Oh, hang on, no I am holding it.’

  Feeling the shirt in my hand, and relief wash over me, my fingers finally found the lip at the end of the tunnel. It seemed to widen as it dipped downwards, but the smell was overpowering. The tunnel’s exit was wide enough for me to push myself out faster than when I entered.

  Getting a good grip with both hands on its edge, and kicking off with my feet, I pulled with my hands and shot out of that tunnel like butter on a hot knife.

  For the briefest of moments, I was free.

  It was still dark, but I wasn’t in the tunnel anymore. Instead, I found myself flying through the air. Well, flying might be exaggerating a bit. I flew out of the tunnel and fell straight down into… Okay, it splashed so I’ll call it water. It was putrid, and the way my day had gone, I’d take a guess, and say it was the body fluids of all the different creatures whose bones I’d been lying on.

  ‘Yay me!’

  The liquid was so deep, I tread water while trying to get my bearings. Stuffing my shirt into the back pocket of my jeans, with an elegant breaststroke, I swam around looking for land.

  ‘Ouch!’ I said as I found it with my head.

  Feeling along the edge, I took hold of a couple of steady rocks to aid in pulling myself out. I’d just got a good grip, and was ready to get on to dry land when I saw a flicker of light some distance from where I was. It looked like it was uphill. Bewitched by it, I forgot for a moment that I was still in a pool of putrid waste.

  Holding to the rocks, I felt something brush against my legs. Quietly screaming while hitting panic stations, I pulled myself out as fast as I could. Reaching the rocky edge, I lay on it and rolled to pull my feet out, just as something brushed against them again.

  Trying to sit up, I hit my head on the low roof.

  ‘It’s a good thing I heal,’ I thought. ‘The amount of concussion today alone would put me in the hospital for some time.’

  There was minimal light coming from a fire, would be my best guess, atop a sheer rock hill. I didn’t know what was in the water with me. I didn’t want to know. Bum
shuffling and rolling away from the edge; I reached a place where I was able to sit.

  I took a rest before moving any further. Soaked through to the bone, when I did begin to try and climb towards the light, I’d slide back down the rock. I was lucky though because I’d only slide down as far as my head would allow. The echoing “ouch” was the giveaway.

  Eventually, I’d made it far enough to attempt a standing position. The cavern was still very low to the ground, but I did make it to a crouch. It was a long slow move to the light. After a while, the cavern got bigger, and I was able to stand. I quietly made my way to the sliver in the rock that the light was shining through.

  It didn’t take me long to realise I’d found the banshee, because the first thing I saw was Pony chained to a wall. It wasn’t the same cavern as before. Then I remembered the images of the cave system the souls vestured to the banshee had shown me.

  I tiptoed around looking for a bigger entry into it. Each time I moved away from the sliver, it became dark. I felt around the walls until I found a place where it kept going. Walking down a short dark tunnel, I found an opening at the rear of the cavern where Pony was being held. From the memories flowing back into my mind from the souls, I’d found my bearings.

  If I kept walking down the dark passage, it would lead me to the other exit point.

  Stepping through into the rear of the cavern, I looked up just as the banshee came into view.

  I was certain she’d seen me., so stood perfectly still and held my breath while waiting to die. I exhaled as she turned away.

  It sounded as if she was talking to someone but not in any language I knew. The souls bound to her called for me to help them.

  ‘I’ll help you to the Rim,’ I told them, and they quieted down. ‘Can you please remind me how to get out?’

  ‘Here Andoré,’ they said, and showed me again the layout of the caves, so it was clear in my head.

  I was about to take a step closer for a quick look around when I felt something being pulled across my feet.

  ‘What the hell now,’ I thought with a shudder, as I looked down.

  Carving a path across my feet were two large brown snakes. I saw them slither into the light of the fire. I stood so still, I could’ve been mistaken for a mannequin.