Shalia's Diary #9

by Tracy St. John

  “I don’t hear Shalia complaining,” Meyso yawned. “Get her some water. Maybe some food. Fuck, just call the dining hall and have them send us a little of everything they’ve got ready to go. I’m starved after that.”

  He turned to me as the still-laughing Aslada went to order our meal and Jaon fetched water. “How are you, my lovely girl?”

  I stretched my lethargic but happy body. “Better. Much, much better. Thanks for the wonderful escape from cruel life. I think I can face reality again.”

  “I live to serve,” Meyso said without the slightest hint of sarcasm.

  October 24

  It’s been a rocky few days, but there is finally light at the end of the tunnel. The tubes are out of Mom’s skull and the swelling is gone. She’s a bald version of herself, finally recognizable. Better still, Mom’s uncontrolled gyrations are tapering off. She’s still writhing around in her bed, but it’s not as violent, and she has periods for as long as half an hour while she’s awake where she can lie quietly.

  She started talking this morning too. Nothing can be counted as coherent, but I know she’s thinking straight, at least every now and then. I’m sure of it.

  She says strings of words like, “What? Kalqs. Fuck. Go. Out. Where? No.” She spits each word out at Meyso, her nurses, and the orderlies with expressions of anger and confusion. If they come to take samples or talk to her, she gets more agitated. Knowing her the way I do, I’m pretty sure she’s trying to simultaneously demand what the hell is going on and order them to go away.

  She won’t talk to me though. She’ll look at me from time to time, but the instant I speak, she turns away with a look that can only be described as revulsion. I think she guesses I’m behind the state she’s in, and she’s pissed off about it.

  Gee, she’s going to be thrilled when she finds out exactly what I had done to her. Just as I suspected.

  Is it wrong that it was a relief when a psychiatrist named Kini asked me to leave her for a little while so he and I could talk? Maybe, but I welcomed the reprieve from Mom’s glares.

  Kini and I went to Meyso’s office, where my potential clanmate waited for us. We sat down in the comfortable seating area where a plate of snacks and fruit drinks waited. Food wasn’t of much interest to me, but the citrus-like juice was welcome refreshment.

  “Matara Shalia, Dr. Meyso has shared the records of Matara Eve’s past emotional issues, as reported by you and the rescue site staff who cared for her on Earth,” Dr. Kini said, his expression kind. “I’d like to expand my knowledge as much as possible before I start working with her.”

  “You’re a brave man,” I snorted. “I was warned that even with the regulating of her brain chemicals, she’d be relying on old coping skills. That she’d still react with anger.”

  He nodded. “A lifetime of being jerked about by capricious emotions doesn’t disappear just because the emotions aren’t felt as passionately as before. Not to mention she’s never known real impulse control.”

  I sighed. “You should know she despises psychiatrists and psychologists. The moment you start talking about her feelings, she’s going to raise hell and insist nothing is wrong.”

  He smiled, unruffled by the idea. “I’ve run into similar situations. Proud Nobeks with such issues can be particularly defensive. Have you ever known Matara Eve to become physically violent?”

  “Wear your armored formsuit, if you’ve got one,” I advised him. I thought he might want a hockey mask too. He’s attractive, but not outrageously handsome. I’ll still feel bad if Mom decides to re-arrange his face.

  We spent an hour discussing Mom’s old habits before dementia tamed her a little. I also mentioned her current reaction to me.

  Kini patted my hand, his expression comforting. “She may not remember anything from when the dementia took such devastating hold over her. Her recall of the rescue site may not exist. She may not even remember anything about hostilities between our worlds. In any case, she’s confused and frightened. She’s got little control over her body, she’s surrounded by Kalquorians in a place she’s never seen before, and you’re not doing anything to relieve those situations…in her view,” he hastened to add.

  “So I basically suck, as far as she’s concerned.” Oh well. I’d been in that position before.

  “From what you’ve told me, fear and uncertainty result in an anger response for Matara Eve,” Kini said. “It’s common in even less severe cases that people who are upset take out their emotions on those closest to them. Maybe because we feel safest doing so. When someone loves us, they’ll put up with a lot more.”

  I could see his point. “I shouldn’t take anything personally then.”

  “Good luck with that,” Kini laughed. “Shalia, I know you want to do right by your mother. I know you want to be there for her. However, you will need to step away from time to time in the coming weeks for the sake of your own well-being. If she decides to verbally abuse you more often than not, you need that space.”

  I frowned. “I can’t abandon her. A lot of this is not her fault.”

  “It’s not yours, either.” He patted my hand again. “You will have to periodically put some distance between her and yourself for the good of both of you. At least until she understands and uses the emotional managing tools I will attempt to give her. Otherwise, you’ll be hurt and resentful and no help to her at all.”

  I could see his point. It didn’t much help the guilt coming over me to know I’d have to abandon her for hours at a time. Ugh, life is hard.

  Meyso winked at me to soften the authoritative tone he used. “Shalia will take those breaks. I will see to it.”

  “Great.” Kini stood, bowed to me, and left me with, “I’ll begin work with Matara Eve tomorrow. She may not be able to answer me…or scream at me, as she may prefer to do,” he chuckled. “Right now, I need to become a familiar face and start building trust. I’ll meet with you weekly for updates, Matara Shalia.”

  After he’d left the office, I told Meyso, “I like him. I hope he’ll take his own advice about the frequent breaks from Mom to keep his sanity.”

  October 27

  Well, Mom is finally talking to me. Actually, snarling would be a better description.

  She’s getting more coherent by the day. Her words come in fits and starts, but she’s stringing together complete thoughts now. Not necessarily thoughts anyone wants to hear, but it’s still a victory, right?

  This morning, I walked in to be greeted by a glare. Her head wove slightly from side to side, but she was able to keep that angry stare on my face as I came over and planted a kiss on her forehead. The rest of her was still, held down by stasis. She keeps trying to push off the cross-arm computer panels of the medi-bed and escape, even though it’s certain she doesn’t have the strength to stand yet. Still, it became clear she might hurt herself.

  “Good morning, gorgeous,” I said, ignoring the furious scowl greeting me. “You look good today.”

  “Get. Me. Out. Of here,” she rasped, her words halting but clear.

  “No can do, sunshine. You’ve got a lot of recovering to do.”

  “Don’t. Want to. Be here. Those. Fucking. Kalqs. Keep. Fucking. With me.”

  “The Kalquorian doctors are healing you,” I said. “Your dementia is gone. Do you remember getting the diagnosis on Earth?”

  Her lips wrinkled back in a snarl. “Not. Ever. Sick. Always. Fine.”

  I sighed. This was going to be an uphill battle all the way, but I’d expected that. “No, Mom. You had dementia. I had to put you in a care facility because you weren’t able to live safely on your own anymore.”

  “This. Is not. Earth.” She said it flatly, not questioningly. “Take. Me home.”

  I swallowed hard. I didn’t think too often of the state of the planet I’d come from because it hurt too much. I wondered how Mom was going to take the bad news, but there was no way to sugarcoat it.

  As gently as possible, I told her, “You don’t remember, but t
here is no longer a home to go back to. When the Kalquorians tried to invade, our government turned Earth into a nuclear wasteland. Earth is dying, and we had to leave. Forever.”

  She blinked, but the fury in her eyes didn’t dim. “Where. Are we?”

  “On Kalquor. They felt terrible about how the war ended and their part in it. They’ve offered us sanctuary.”

  It was an overly simplistic explanation, but I figured Mom could only take in so much at once. She’d get the full story in the weeks to come.

  For now, she was not impressed with what little I’d given. She scowled at me. “You. Are an. Idiot. Shalia.”

  “Yeah, well it’s nice to see you too.”

  “Keep. That. Shithead. Away. From. Me.”

  “Which shithead would that be, Mom?”

  “You. Know. That. Ass. Hole. Kini.”

  I tried not to laugh. I’d been present each time Kini came in and talked to Mom. He’d been pleasant and cheerful, telling her about himself and how he wanted to help her adjust to her new existence. Mom being Mom, she didn’t want to adjust to anybody else’s vision of how she should live.

  “Dr. Kini is nice, Mom. He’s trying to make things better for you.”

  “Are. You. Fucking. Him?”

  Classic Eve Monroe. And here I’d been worried I wouldn’t recognize her after the surgery. I shook my head, as much at the question as the realization that it was Same Shit, Different Day.

  “No, Mother. I am not having sex with Dr. Kini.”

  “Are. You. Fucking. Kalqs?”

  Here we go, I thought. “I have been approached by Kalquorians who want me to join their clans. I am not clanned yet, but I have made friends with Kalquorian men. And yes, I have taken lovers. They are good people.”

  Her brows drew down, and she looked away from me. “Stupid. You. Are a. Slut.”

  “You were never a saint yourself, if I remember correctly. After Dad walked out on us, there were a couple of men.”

  “Fuck. You. I didn’t. Fuck. Aliens.”

  “Well, you missed out. I highly recommend it.”

  Her burning gaze was back on me. “You. Put. Me. Here.”

  “To help you. To let you recover and lead a normal life.”

  “I was. Fine. You. Let. Them. Screw. With my. Head.”

  I shrugged. “I didn’t think you were fine. Neither did anyone else. Maybe now you can be.” I had made my decision. For better or worse, we were all in. “I agreed to the procedure because I love you. That was my one consideration, even though I knew you’d be pissed off with me.”

  She turned away again. “Go. Away. I don’t. Want. To look. At you.”

  I left for about an hour. When I poked my head in again, she instantly said, “Get. The fuck. Out. Alien. Fucker.”

  And that’s been the response each time I go in. Sometimes it hurts enough that I have to hide and cry. Sometimes I don’t feel anything about it except tired resignation. Sometimes I laugh, because it strikes me as funny. Mood swings are me. Maybe I need a regulator in my brain too.

  She ordered me out when Kini made his daily visit. She ordered him out too, but he stayed. I could hear her yelling at him from the waiting lounge the entire time he visited her. I guess she appreciates her one new freedom on Kalquor; the nonstop profanity would have landed her in prison on Earth. Boy, did she ever indulge herself on that account.

  Meyso, the nurses, and orderlies got their fair share as well. I’m sure I’ll hear her rasping yells in my sleep tonight in an endless stream of foul language. It’s got me rethinking my plan to surprise her tomorrow.

  October 28

  I stood outside the doorway to Mom’s room first thing this morning, Anrel in my arms. I had a near-army at my back that consisted of Aslada, Meyso, Jaon, Kini, and Imdiko Snoy.

  I gave Anrel’s manny a grim smile. “The moment you hear her raise her voice or offer one nasty word, come get the baby. Don’t wait for me to call.”

  He nodded. “I will have Anrel out of there as fast as possible.”

  “Okay,” I said. “Then we’re as ready for this as we’re going to get.”

  The men all nodded at me. I wasn’t sure how any of them felt about me showing Anrel to Mom, because none of their faces hinted at emotion. That they had all elected to be present told me they were as worried as I was about what the next few minutes would bring. Yet no one contested the wisdom of this move.

  Given her bouts of anger, I thought I probably should have my head examined for exposing Anrel to her. But I know Eve Monroe. She’s unpredictable. Seeing her granddaughter might set off more fireworks, but it would also give her something to think about. Right now, she rejected me. I believed that knowing Anrel existed would eventually make her want to forge some sort of tie with us.

  The men stayed outside the room. They would remain out of sight unless Mom got verbally abusive. If that happened, Snoy would grab Anrel and get her out. If Anrel was upset, she’d have the comfort of Clan Aslada while I dealt with Mom. Kini would observe Mom’s reactions to further his work with her.

  I smiled down at the baby I held in my arms. “Okay, precious girl. Let’s see if you can charm your grandmom.”

  Anrel smiled and burbled at me as if to say, who can resist me? She is so precious, but Mom is a force unto herself.

  I drew a breath and walked into the room.

  I went in just far enough that Mom could see us. I was ready for Anrel’s quick exit. Mom turned her head, her glare in place as her gaze found me.

  She looked at Anrel. Her face froze. I held my breath.

  Her mouth opened, and I tensed. Her raspy voice issued forth. “Is that. Yours?”

  I nodded. “This is my daughter. Your grandchild.”

  Mom stared. There was a long beat of silence as she took in this new development. I waited for what felt like an eternity. Anrel made nonsense noises and blew bubbles with her spit. She tried to feed me her little fist.

  At last, Mom spoke again. “Can I. See her?”

  I nodded. “Sure. That’s why she’s here.”

  I walked over to Mom’s bed, positioning Anrel so she could have a good look at her. Mom’s gaze stayed riveted on her the whole time. Her expression had gone from angry to – well, I’m not sure how to describe it. It wasn’t warm. There was no sign of hopeless adoration. But she didn’t look ready to breathe fire either, so that was a plus. It was the kind of look Mom got when she’d been mad and wasn’t really ready to let go of it…but she didn’t want to fight anymore either.

  I held the baby close so that Mom could see her without straining. Anrel babbled at her and waved her little hands. “This is Anrel. Anrel this is your – what do you want her to call you, Mom? Grandmom? Nana?”

  Mom pulled a face. “Mimi. I’m her mimi. It will. Be easier. For her to. Say when she. Starts talking. I called. My great. Grand. Mother ‘mimi’.”

  My body relaxed. I hadn’t expected instant acceptance, but here it was. Prophets be praised, Mom wanted to be Anrel’s grandmother.

  “How old. Is she?” Mom asked. Her voice, so long unused, couldn’t help but be raspy. Yet I could tell she was trying to soften it.

  “She just turned five Earth months.”

  “Big baby. Must be. The Kalq blood. I like her eyes. I like. The purple color.”

  “Pretty, isn’t she? She’s tough too. Like her mimi.”

  “She has. Our nose. Just like you. And me.” Mom shot me a look. “Where is. The father?”

  I wasn’t ready to get into that complicated story yet. “He’s not on Kalquor. He’s not part of our lives.”

  Mom rolled her eyes. “Men. They suck. No matter the species.”

  I laughed, not because I agreed with her, but because I was happy we were having a decent conversation. “Anrel has a long line of admirers who would be thrilled to take on the job.”

  Mom was looking at the baby again. A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “She looks good. You’re doing a. Good job with her.”


  “Thanks.” I couldn’t take all the credit. “I have a big support system, thank goodness. I’m not sure I could handle it on my own.”

  “You could. You’re going to be. Better as a mother. Than I was.” The smile was gone and sadness flitted across Mom’s face. “I screwed up. A lot.”

  I patted her shoulder. “You were a single mom for the most part. There were a lot of problems not within your control. I’m here and I’m alive and I’m not a complete fuck-up. I’ll let you have a little credit for that.” I winked.