Shalia's Diary #9

by Tracy St. John

  “I might not be able to give her the option,” I said. “I’ve had enough of this. Maybe I’m the worst daughter ever, but I don’t think I can deal with her anymore.”

  Aslada put his arms around my shoulders. “You are not the worst daughter. You’ve been remarkably patient with Matara Eve.”

  Kini nodded his agreement to that assessment. “Indeed you have. This might be a turning point for Eve as well. Now that a clear boundary has been established, we may see her re-evaluate her behavior. Shalia, I know you feel you’ve been pushed to your limit. I do request that when she asks for you to come see her again, that you will do so.”

  I looked at Anrel, at her bright, happy face. I imagined my mother throwing a fit in her presence, calling her a half-breed or worse. “I don’t know that I can.”

  “Give it some time. Let things calm down. Take a break so you can both settle down. No matter what Eve says, she needs you. Better still, she wants you. She loves you and Anrel more than anything else. I know that for a fact.”

  I shrugged. “It’s going to take more than love. I’ll keep the option open and see what happens. That’s all I can promise right now.”

  It’s all I have left in me to give to my mother.

  November 16

  Well, Mom insisted I visit her already. I was surprised the standoff lasted only one day. I figured she’d sulk for at least two.

  When Kini commed, I was more than ready to say no way. I was still in a place of rejecting everything about her. Each time I looked at Anrel and thought about what Mom said, the cold in my heart returned. She had no right to be my baby’s mimi.

  I was especially reluctant to return to Mom’s bedside so soon when Kini admitted she still exhibited no contrite behavior. “She’s demanding, but not hostile,” he hurried to explain. “She says it’s time to clear the air between the two of you once and for all.”

  “I did that yesterday,” I answered. “If she’s going to call Anrel names, I’m through with her.”

  Kini reasoned. He cajoled. He pleaded. “Listen to whatever she has to say. If she starts being abusive, walk out. In that case, we’ll keep you away for a week. That will assure her that such behavior has serious consequences.”

  I had to hand it to that man. As much shit as Mom had given him since she emerged from stasis, he still made her recovery his priority. It was his dedication that swayed me in the end. However, I made it a point to tell him, “If she makes one ugly statement about my child or future children, I won’t stay away for a week. It will be for good. I mean that.”

  So with Clan Aslada in tow and Anrel left in her manny Snoy’s care, I went to see Mom against my better judgment.

  It did not start off well. The instant we entered her room with Kini, she shook her head, her expression set. “Not them. Not those men. Just you, Shalia. This is between us.”

  I rolled my eyes. I was pretty sure the discussion was going to go south in a hurry from there, but Clan Aslada has no real stake in my relationship with Mom. If she wanted to end things privately, that was fine with me.

  I turned to the guys and shrugged. “I guess you’re excused.”

  Kini touched my arm. “I’ll be right outside the door if you need me.”

  The other three men nodded to me with significant looks. Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon would be there as well. Not that it mattered. How much support did I need to break up with my mother?

  They left the room. I went closer to Mom’s bed, where she gave me a look that wasn’t quite a glare but wasn’t ‘here’s my lovely daughter’ either. She sized me up, probably wondering how much crap I would let her get away with.

  She finally spoke. “What the hell are you doing with your life?”

  I folded my arms over my chest and gave her a level gaze. “Living it. Taking care of my daughter. Making myself happy.”

  Mom snorted. “What do you know of happiness? People like us weren’t meant to be happy.”

  “I disagree.”

  “Will living with three alien men make you happy? Being at their beck and call? Servicing them when they decide they need some pussy?”

  I drew a breath. “If it was that way, no. That would not make me happy. But having a loving relationship with three men who care about me and my daughter will. That’s what I’m working towards.”

  She snorted. “Men won’t give you anything worthwhile. Alien men can’t begin to understand what an Earther woman needs.”

  “I haven’t found that to be true. Most of the Kalquorian men I’ve had relationships with work hard to figure things out.”

  She wouldn’t be convinced. “Until they’ve gotten what they want from you. Then it’s a whole other story.”

  “Your relationships are not anything like the ones I’ve had. It’s too bad you haven’t had men in your life that cared for you. I’ve been lucky in that respect.”

  “How many of those damned Kalqs have you screwed?”

  “None of your business. As far as I’m concerned, only one might have been a mistake. Since he may have fathered Anrel, I refuse to regret him.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “You’re sleeping with that clan Dr. Meyso is in. You’re giving them the milk without them buying the cow.”

  I felt tired, dealing with her and her judgments. “I am exploring compatibility. Emotional, romantic, and yes, sexual. It’s all part of finding who I belong with.”

  “You’re not property, Shalia.”

  “I said belong with, not belong to.”

  She scowled. “Is that what you want for Anrel? To have to take care of three men’s needs? To have to answer to that many?”

  I crooked a brow at her. “You have no idea how Kalquorian men operate. They’re more focused on the woman’s needs than their own. And if you think Matara Elwa answers to her clanmates rather than their relationship being balanced, you should have her explain it to you.”

  Mom was quiet for a moment, digesting that idea. At last she said, “It’s not normal for us. I don’t like it.”

  “I don’t care. It’s my life.”

  Mom shook her head. “Which you’re ruining. But I don’t want you to keep Anrel from me. I don’t see her as a half-breed or anything but a beautiful child who deserves only the best. I guess I’ll have to bite my lip and keep my opinions to myself if I’m to remain in her life.”

  I felt something inside me relax. “You can’t talk garbage about Kalquorians around her. Her father is one. She’ll live her life on Kalquor. Putting part of her heritage down is the same as insulting her.”

  Her lips thinned. “I would never insult my grandchild. Your faults and her father’s – whoever he is – are not hers.”

  “Fine. As long as you remember that, you can continue to see her.”

  I was still more in the mood to have done with the rollercoaster of Mom. But if she could behave herself around Anrel, I didn’t want to deny my child contact with her one biological grandparent. It was a shaky truce, but one I could live with. For now.

  Mom’s rehab interrupted any further conversation that might have derailed our precarious détente. I was relieved to have an excuse to get the hell out of there. I didn’t have parental approval, but at least I could hope Anrel wouldn’t suffer one way or the other from our disagreement.

  Kini applauded me. “It’s something,” he reassured. “As Matara Eve progresses with her behavioral control, it will get even better. I’m sure of it.”

  Well, at least someone is optimistic. I seem to have run out of that quality where my mother is concerned.

  Clan Aslada took me to a fancy brunch to celebrate me getting through yet another bump in the road with Mom’s recovery. I didn’t have much appetite to start with after my conversation. However, the open-air hilltop restaurant was so pretty, sitting high enough that I imagined I could put my hand up and touch one of the fluffy cottonball clouds overhead. It’s hard to be angsty surrounded by rolling lands covered in rainbows of wildflowers.

  And when you have three m
en doting on you like you’re God’s gift to Kalquor…well, that’s not a bad thing either.

  The restaurant was set up like the world’s most extravagant picnic. We lounged on billowy seating cushions scattered on the lush grass. I was curled in the middle of the shelter of Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon, who held me and jockeyed to feed me the food that the attentive waitstaff brought us. Two men wandered amongst the diners, playing soft bell-like music with instruments I’d never seen before. Aslada tipped them heavily to play a Plasian love song. It was romance with a capital R, the kind of thing that only happens in teenage fantasy.

  Between stuffing my face with delicious delicacies, Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon stroked my hair and back, dropped gentle kisses on my face at the least opportunity, and whispered things both naughty and sweet in my ears. There were at least two dozen other groups sitting on that hilltop, some of whom had hailed their governor when we’d arrived. Clan Aslada seemed to have no worries about the public display of affection they showered on me, though a lot of it was super mushy. Even Jaon made no bones about being caring as he petted and tended to me.

  I nearly forgot about my issues with Mom, only feeling a moment’s sadness that she’d never known the devoted attention I was receiving. I couldn’t dwell much on that however, not with Aslada, Meyso, and Jaon making such a fuss over me. I sank into the sweetness of the attention, feeling very much the cherished woman I wanted to be.

  Mom may not approve, but I sure do. All may not be right in my world, but I still get happy moments that I appreciate. She can’t take that away from me. I won’t let anyone steal the bright future I’m sure is possible.

  November 17

  I dragged myself into the clinic this morning, not really wanting to be there. Who knew what drama Mom would spring on me today?

  She’d been on her best behavior yesterday afternoon when I brought Anrel in for a visit. As sweet as honey, she’d played with the baby until they were both bubbling with giggles. To me, she was cordial though distant. She said not one word to Clan Aslada, who also visited. They may as well have not been there.

  I had Anrel with me this morning, hoping that the buffer of baby would keep things on an even keel once more. The guys were doing other things like checking in with their work. Even though they’d taken leave to be with me, they’re important enough that they can’t stay completely out of the loop.

  Just me and Anrel and my worries over whether Mom would continue to be on her best behavior.

  It was no wonder I was delighted to see Matara Elwa hovering outside Mom’s door, waiting for us. Mom seems to respect Elwa. With Betra’s mom around, she had more incentive to be nice.

  Elwa came right up to me and gave me a hug. Anrel got a kiss. I was startled when Elwa steered us away from Mom’s room.

  “Let’s go out to the flower garden. I want to have a talk with you,” she said.

  “Please tell me it’s going to be a pleasant conversation,” I begged as I fell into step with her. We headed for the nearby exit that would take us out to the clinic’s popular serenity garden. “I’ve had all the ugly I can take.”

  “So I’ve heard.” Elwa’s arm circled my waist, and she pressed a gentle kiss to my temple. “Eve is struggling and taking it out on you. You’ve both got me worried.”

  We stepped outside. Elwa’s confident leading let me know she’d set up our private talk well ahead of my arrival. The cloth mat laying on the circle of grass on the far side of the garden, perfect for Anrel to play on, proved that. I put the baby on her tummy along with a few toys while Elwa folded herself elegantly on a seating cushion. I sat on the other cushion close by.

  Elwa took my hands. I looked at her fingers, noting they were kind of thick and blocky. Strong hands. Hands as capable as the woman they belonged to.

  “Poor Shalia,” Elwa sighed. “You’ve done your best to be a good daughter, but it’s not been enough, has it?”

  I shook my head. “I can handle her rages. I have all my life. But I will not allow her to upset Anrel. That is non-negotiable.”

  “People will come along you can’t protect your daughter from.”

  “I know. I’m not so naïve that I don’t realize the real world will deliver its share of nastiness. My issue is that Anrel shouldn’t be exposed to it by her own flesh and blood. Family is sacred. She should be safe around her grandmother.”

  Elwa nodded. “I see your point. I agree with it. The question is, is Eve capable of offering that safety?”

  “That’s the root of the problem,” I said. I looked Elwa in the eye. “I don’t want to cut them off from each other. I really don’t. But I’m Anrel’s last line of defense. I can’t toss her in the arena unprotected.”

  “You must do what you think is best for your child,” Elwa said. “That’s a mother’s chief duty. We don’t always succeed. In fact, we sometimes trip ourselves up and make terrible mistakes. But we do what seems right at the time.”

  I squeezed her hands. “I wish I could have these kinds of conversations with Mom. Why couldn’t she have been more like you?”

  Elwa chuckled. “That was not her destiny, I suppose. Thank you for the compliment, Shalia. If it helps any, I would have loved to have had a daughter like you.”

  It did help. Being regarded that highly by Elwa made me feel like I wasn’t such a lost cause after all.

  Elwa turned serious. “Shalia, Eve is who she is. She’s who you have. Trust me when I tell you, you will miss her when you don’t have her any longer, when there’s no hope of reconciliation.”

  “I know that. I thought about it plenty of times over the last few months. But she’s making it so hard to keep that in mind.”

  Elwa stroked my hair, caring for me, again being the mother I wanted Eve Monroe to be. “You’re tired of being beat up on. Taking a step back is fine. Essential during this trying time, for both your sakes. But you can’t say the relationship is done until she’s passed on.”

  “I can if her presence is damaging to Anrel.”

  “It won’t be. Eve loves that child.” Elwa smiled at the gurgling baby, chewing on a soft ring. She turned back to me and regarded me for several seconds, as if weighing something in her mind. “Damn it. I hate it when I have to betray a confidence.”

  I gazed at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “I promised Eve I wouldn’t tell you what she shared with me. But I think it’s something you need to hear, because I believe it’s part of what’s fueling her attacks.”

  I blinked. What could Mom have told Elwa in confidence?

  She blew out a breath. “Yes, you have to know. Shalia, she loves you so much. Every bit as much as you love Anrel, and that’s the truth. She knows the mistakes she’s made as your mother. She knows how her mental challenges made your relationship as troubled as it is. The guilt she feels is devastating.”

  Was that all? “She’s told me during her depressed periods how sorry she is about all that. I know she puts a lot of blame on herself.”

  “You know, but you don’t know. Especially now that she’s living with a clearer head. Part of what she hates about having the bipolar and dementia issues cured is that she can no longer hide behind them. She sees who she’s been and doesn’t like it. Especially when it comes to you.” Elwa swiped at a tear that leaked down her cheek. “She thinks she failed you at every turn. She hates herself for that. It’s eating her up.”

  “Then why is she still treating me this way?” I wanted to shout in my frustration.

  “Because she thinks she doesn’t merit a relationship with you. Or Anrel. She wants it more than anything, but she feels she doesn’t deserve it. So she’s driving you away.”

  I stared at Elwa. Was that it? Was that the reason behind Mom’s vicious behavior with me? Not because I’d made her get treatment or because I had sex with Kalquorians. But because she thought she’d ruined her right to having a daughter and granddaughter?

  Elwa nodded, seeing the knowledge dawning on me. “She’s inflict
ed much damage, but perhaps she herself is her biggest victim. I’m not saying you should excuse the way she’s treating you, but maybe you can at least understand it?”

  I shook my head, as if that would make my brain piece together the ramifications of what Elwa suggested. I couldn’t seem to come to grips with it.

  She hugged me hard. “Eve has not been the perfect mother. Maybe she wasn’t even a good mother. But she’s still your mother, one you must have been grateful for at one time or another. That makes her worthwhile. That makes her worth fighting for even as she’s fighting against you.”

  Spoken like a true mom.