An Unhuman Journey

by Candace Blevins

  Rafe pulled me into a hug, and I relaxed as his arms encircled me. It felt like I’d imagined being held by an angel would feel. It sounds cheesy to say it was divine, but the word fits. I usually associate bliss and ecstasy with orgasms, but he gave me these things without bringing sex into it even a little.

  I was so lost in Rafe’s embrace, I jumped as Mordecai spoke from a few feet away. I hadn’t even realized he’d arrived.

  “Did you ask her if it was okay to hug her?”

  Rafe looked down to me and smiled. “I didn’t have to.”

  Mordecai rolled his eyes and told Rafe, “The Amakhosi is your charge now. Go.”

  Rafe took two steps back, bowed to me, and disappeared. I looked at Mordecai, flabbergasted. “Cora spoke to him as royalty, so why did he bow to me?”

  “You’ll have to ask him, if you see him again.” He looked me over from head to toe, and then looked at the specific trees I’d felt helping me.

  “You’ve done a wonderful job creating a haven. Let’s go in where it’s warm. I believe Smokey will be relieved to see you now.”

  Sure enough, my two-hundred-plus pound dog was all over me when we went inside. I ended up sitting on the floor with him, so he could put his head in my lap and rub all over me. Life is good when your dog is so happy to see you, and my heart was filled with love and happiness as I hugged his huge head, and then rubbed him as he got as much of his head and shoulders in my lap as he could.

  Mordecai let us have our little reunion before he started in with serious conversation. “It’s more difficult to do on someone wearing demon-marks, but I can anchor you to this world, so you can’t be taken back to Hell.”

  I experience a dual reaction, with part of me relieved the option was available, while my gut immediately shrunk away from the idea. I examined both feelings, and went with my gut. My head almost shook itself as I said. “I’m not sure that’s the right answer. It feels wrong.”

  “Why?”

  I rolled my eyes at him, but searched for an answer. “Philosophically speaking, where you're from is good, Hell is bad, and Earth is some kind of an experiment where we have good and evil.”

  “Very good. Keep going.”

  I shook my head. “But in reality, it can’t work that way. Even the yin-yang symbol shows it, right? There’s a dot of black in the white, and a dot of white in the black. I don’t think you can have pure evil or pure good.”

  “Assuming you’re correct, why does this mean we shouldn’t make arrangements to keep you from being dragged back to Hell?”

  Great question — especially since just a few hours ago I’d decided I was going to step out of the whole battle-between-good-and-evil thing because I was afraid of being taken back there. I shook my head again and answered, “I don’t know. I mean, it’s my understanding something that was perfectly balanced split apart, and found balance in the different realms. So the Hell realm as a whole balances yours? And I’m assuming there is a balance somewhere to Faerie. My guess is there’s an odd number of realms because the Earth is supposed to balance itself.”

  Mordecai sighed. “The Prince of Hell brought the Celrau in, in part, to balance out the demons you killed. He's not going to get rid of them without a fight.”

  “So, the Celrau gaining numbers is my fault?”

  “No. It would’ve likely happened anyway. We’re due for another huge war between good and evil.”

  “And you’re getting tired of them, right?” I’d only been dealing with the idea of it and I was already tired of it.

  He chuckled. “I’ve been tired of them for eons, but we must keep going.”

  I rubbed Smokey’s head and shoulders as I talked to Mordecai. The god-who-says-he-isn’t-anymore was sitting on my sofa while I was on the floor, and I said, “I consider you a friend, but I guess I’ve learned I’m your student and I’ll never be more.”

  He shook his head. “You’re more than a student, but I don’t believe true friendship can happen between two beings with such disparate powers.”

  “Because you’re a god and I’m human?”

  “You wanted to drop to your knees the first time you saw me, and you feel more comfortable sitting on the floor while I’m on your sofa than you would sitting as my equal — and it isn’t about some kind of artificial power exchange.”

  I couldn’t argue anything he’d said, and I looked down as I ran my fingers through Smokey’s long fur.

  “Thanks for the time and attention you’ve given me. I’ve learned so much as your student.”

  “Our time together isn’t over. My brother told you a little more than I’d have preferred you know, and he did it without binding you to secrecy.”

  “He trusted me to use my discernment in who I told.”

  Mordecai chuckled. “Making it sound as if he gives you more trust than I’m capable of giving.”

  I shook my head. “No, I understand you have more to lose than he does if I tell the secret.” Before I lost my nerve, I asked, “Rafe felt so much compassion for me while I was getting my marks, he was crying along with me. You’ve hurt me plenty, and you witnessed my getting the marks, but I’ve never felt even an ounce of compassion from you. If your realm got what Xaephan’s realm is lacking… I don’t understand.”

  “In the various pantheons, each god had a different job. Mine has more to do with war and strategy than nurturing.” He leaned back, stretched his legs out in front of him, and crossed his ankles. “A race of compassionate empaths wouldn’t survive long if some of us weren’t wired as guardians, protectors, and soldiers. The most compassionate thing I can do for you is to teach you to fight and help you reach your full potential. That won’t happen if I cry every time you feel pain during training.”

  I looked at him a few seconds, debating, and he rolled his eyes. “Say it.”

  “Peace through the power to make it so — through military strength. You were Mars, and possibly Odin. There was a Chinese version, too, and an Aztec one, though I don’t remember the names. Different areas of the world worshipped you under different names.” I took a breath. “The Romans saw you as a father — as their father — but you also fathered Romulus and Remus, and there are wolf stories associated with them.”

  He started to talk, but I wasn’t finished. “Most people don’t understand that in the Hebrew Bible and the Christian Old Testament, there are dozens and dozens of names of God — Elohim, Adonai, Hakadosh, Elah, El Shaddai, Machseh, Avi, Elyon — there are so many, but when they were translated into English most of the names just translated to God or god. Some are still in our versions, but…” He stayed quiet while I thought it through. “Each name shows a different aspect of God, there are even some that reflect the female instead of the male.”

  He was still quiet and I added, “There’s the whole big G versus little g thing, and then the passage that was translated as ‘the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them,’ but if you read it in the original Hebrew it means something completely di—”

  “We’re getting off track,” he interrupted. “There is a consciousness who runs everything, and this all-that-is consciousness probably most closely resembles your capital-G-God. Some of the names in the Hebrew Bible refer to those of my race, some refer to the overarching consciousness, which is neither male nor female, and to try to make it one or the other is putting a human limit on…” He shook his head. “Yes, I’ve been known by many names, and some societies worshipped me while others weren’t so fond of me.”

  “Ares?”

  He chuckled. “I’m not going to confirm anything, Kirsten.”

  “But I’m correct that most of the mythologies around the world are mostly describing the same beings and things though, right? So Jupiter, Zeus, Oden, Woden, Morrigan, and Thoth are the same being, just depicted by different peoples and cultures, so we get slightly different descriptions?”

  He shook his head. “You’re partly right. There was one basic pantheon, but some
of the civilizations we dealt with tended to organize our hierarchy in different ways.”

  Was, because they left us when so many were killed as we fought over who has the right religion. “It’s like the blind men who feel the elephant, and one describes the leg, another the ear, another the tail, and another the trunk? How you describe something depends on the angle of your view?”

  His smile told me I was correct, but his silence told me he wasn’t going to answer any more questions about this particular topic, so I shifted directions. “You can come here whenever you want, but Ex has to be invited?”

  He nodded. “Usually. There are exceptions and loopholes, and it isn’t difficult for him to put thoughts into a human’s head and set them off in whatever direction he chooses, so it’s only a matter of time until they invite him. You know how to tell when a thought is yours or not, so you should be immune, but you’ll want to pay attention.”

  “We have free will, right? Neither of you can interfere with it?”

  “You can give up your free will through a bargain with someone like Ex.”

  “Do you… or, I guess, does your race make those kinds of bargains? Do you ever take over our free will?”

  “Only in extreme circumstances do we take action in a big way, and even then we’re still limited in that we can’t override free will. Others from my realm might do small scale things a little more often. If we need to delay you then we might create an interruption so you don’t remember something you need, and then do something to help you remember it as you get into your car, so you have to go back into the house to get it.”

  “Why would you need to delay us?”

  “To keep you from having a wreck, to make you meet someone, or to keep you from meeting them. There are lots of reasons.”

  “The Adjustment Bureau?”

  “Minus the hats and doorways, but it got some stuff right. We aren’t anywhere near that organized, usually.”

  “You probably aren’t supposed to be telling me any of this.”

  “There have been so many religious documents created because one of us talked to one of you, and every time another is created, more humans die. More of your kind have been killed and slaughtered in our various names than for any other reason in this realm. I trust you won’t create such a document, though, and I think we put your safety in danger by keeping you in the dark.” He shrugged. “Besides, you’ve already figured a lot of it out, and I sense you’ll be quieter about it if you know you’re right than if you’re still trying to work it out in your head.”

  “None of this contradicts my beliefs. It puts some of it in a new light, but it doesn’t make me redefine anything.” I sighed. “It’s further substantiation of why there were miracles in biblical times and there aren’t now. Ya’ll decided you did more harm than good by trying to help, so you stopped helping in ways people could talk about.”

  He nodded. “And write about.”

  “There’s something else you aren’t telling me.”

  “There is much I’m not telling you, but specifically, I believe you have met one of my kind before. I can see your entire life, except for the time you spent learning your skills. He’s blocked it, but I can guess who you learned from. We may need to confront him at some point but for now I’ll leave it alone.”

  I considered his words as I thought about my teacher in China. He’d taught me to levitate while he taught me martial arts. He’d often known what I was thinking, and legend said he’d lived for centuries. His little hideout in the mountain seems to be one of the few places the Chinese government left alone during the Cultural Revolution. Could he be the same race as Mordecai? One of the old gods? Yeah, there’s a good chance he could. I’d kneeled and bowed to him, respected him, and seen him as someone with great power — though he didn’t flaunt it.

  I wasn’t going to talk to Mordecai about him, though, so I changed the subject. “Ex seemed to think there might be ramifications from my having sex with both of you.”

  “He didn’t give you energy, did he?”

  “The opposite, kind of. He helped me burn up the Celrau blood in my system, and apparently scaring the hell out of me while giving me orgasms was the fastest way to do it.”

  He tilted his head and his eyebrows lifted. “You liked him?”

  “You sound surprised.”

  “No one comes back from Hell with fond memories.”

  “I hated the place, but he made it as easy on me as he could. Your bargain with him kept me from having to worry about owing him for anything. It meant I could trust him, but I know that won’t be the case if I see or talk to him again.”

  “If?” He clearly knew I was planning to try to contact him tonight or tomorrow.

  I shrugged. “If. When. Whatever.”

  “Still, you saw him as a person and not a devil. That’s rare — practically unheard of amongst those who don’t lean to the evil side of the spectrum themselves.”

  “You see him as a person.”

  “And a devil. You have to remember I knew him before the great split, though.” He shifted a little, leaned forward. “The person who taught you to fight and to levitate — would you say he’s of my race? Or would he perhaps be of my brother’s race?”

  Well, that question certainly made me think. If I’d seen Xaephan on Earth and he’d been nice and I hadn’t known what he was, would I have guessed he was a demon? I met Mordecai’s gaze and admitted, “I honestly don’t know that I’d be able to tell, since I only saw him here. I trust him with my life, so probably yours?” Or, maybe not, because I’d had to trust Xaephan with my life while I was in Hell.

  “Did you have sex with your teacher?’

  “No. We were never intimate in any way.”

  He nodded. “Then it’s more likely he was from my world, but not a certainty. I understand you made promises to keep his identity unknown, and I don’t have to push for the answer now, so I won’t.” He leaned forward and I could tell he was back into teaching mode. “This realm acts as kind of the bridge between our two worlds. When reality split into a binary system, so there had to be good and bad in order to balance, it was set up so the two races aren’t supposed to have access to each other’s worlds. We occasionally see each other when we’re both in this realm, but it’s most uncomfortable to be in each other’s presence. However, if you’re going to somehow act as a bridge between us…” He shook his head. “You’re human — I don’t see how you can. I agree with him that since you’re the first to be intimate with siblings as high as we are in the power structure, it might mean something, but I’m not sure what it could mean.”

  “What was the goal? Why was your apparently utopic reality split?”

  He grinned. “Boredom? Ennui? When your kind are bored you play games, and now that you’ve invented virtual worlds in video games, you have great fun creating worlds and fighting, or living, or creating roller coasters, or doing whatever it is you prefer in them.”

  I shook my head, perplexed. “Duality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. Shit, the physicists tell us reality is an illusion. We’re in some elaborate video game and we’ve forgotten we put ourselves into it?”

  Now it was time for him to shake his head. “Not a video game. Mankind was created for this experiment — your race is new. Some twists were thrown in — the wolves who give up their free will to join the pack, for instance. Also, the ability for some to turn into vampire or another of the long-lived.”

  I lifted my hand in front of me and did what I’d done in Hell to make the flame appear.

  And was shocked when it came into being on the tip of my finger.

  I blew it out and told him the story, complete with it not working when I first came back.

  “You were probably too weak when you first returned. Now that you can manage a small fire, I’d like you to work on enveloping your entire hand in flame. Be careful you don’t do it with long sleeves on, and be sure you aren’t near something flammable.”

  “F
ive minutes a day?”

  “No, three attempts, three times a day. When you can reliably do it, we’ll move it back to one attempt, three times a day.”

  I looked at the clock and remembered how tired I was. “I’d like to take a bath and catch a nap, and then spend some time with Lauren after school. I’m going to see if Abbott can meet with me this evening so I can officially break it off with him, and I’m betting there’ll be some big meeting either tonight or tomorrow night.”

  “If you keep the jets running then I can hang out in your bedroom so I’m close, but won’t have to be in the room with you while you bathe.”

  “Running water?”

  “Yes, and the fact you have so much light coming from so many directions. A few more hours and you’ll probably be safe without a watcher, but let’s not chance it just yet.”

  Chapter 16

  I left the house at nine and went to the coterie house. Someone had brought my car, and it felt odd being alone, but Mordecai assured me I should be safe — at least for the present time.

  I was let in and escorted to the second floor office. Abbott knew we needed to talk without being overheard, apparently.

  As soon as the door closed behind me I told him, “You brought me to the Celrau’s attention by claiming me as yours.”

  He was sitting behind the desk looking regal, and he gave a slight nod as he answered, “So I’ve been informed, and you have my most sincere apologies.”

  I shook my head and sat on one of the leather sofas. Despite the fact I was breaking up with him, his distance made my heart hurt. “You know I’m going to break it off, that’s why you’re being so damned distant.”

  “You’d have preferred I met you at the door with a kiss? And are you breaking it off because of the Celrau, or because we’re nearing our tenth scene and you don’t want to follow through on our anal sex agreement.”

  I rolled my eyes. “A kiss wasn’t necessary, but I’m hoping we can go our separate ways without becoming enemies, so you might want to drop the cold-assed bastard routine.” He remained silent and I added, “I wasn’t sure about the whole anal thing, but I was going to talk to you about it and not just break it off, but you went behind my back and claimed me to the supernatural community when we agreed you’d do no such thing! How can I ever trust you again?”