All Kinds of Tied Down

by Mary Calmes

  It was me and the girls, and even though we all tried to make other friends, no one stuck. So the following year we moved into a two bedroom, one bathroom house off campus. I had the sofa sleeper in the living room and got really good at having sex in cars since I had no door to lock out prying eyes. Not that it really mattered; having a house where I lived with my friends did. And they never left me. One of them took me home for winter break every year. One year Aruna decided to stay so she could be with Liam and his family for Christmas; I stayed with her and visited too. They were lovely people, and his cousin Kerry was hot and willing to let me do whatever I wanted to him. It didn’t last, but it made New Year’s and Valentine’s Day more fun than usual that year.

  When four years were over and everyone was off to either grad school, law school, or medical school—and me to the police academy—I thought maybe that was it and my family was leaving me. But Liam stepped up and put a ring on Aruna’s finger, so I got to keep her close. And the others weren’t about to disappear. I was the envy of every straight guy I knew: I had four smart, gorgeous, talented women all enraptured by me at any given moment.

  “How do you do it?” I got asked every now and then.

  I shrugged and said I loved each one unconditionally. And it was true. If any of them ever called me in the middle of the night and asked me to bring a shovel and lye and to make sure the car had gas in it, I’d be there without question. Catherine was certain I’d have to get rid of her mother-in-law at some point, but as of yet, we hadn’t hidden any bodies.

  “I’M BACK,” Janet announced as she came in the front door, Chickie staggering behind her.

  “You wore the dog out?” I asked from where I lay stretched out on my sectional. Chickie trotted over, licked my chin, and then headed into the kitchen to his water dish and, even more importantly, Aruna, whom he had a special fondness for.

  Aruna had never been fond of canines, but at their first meeting, she and Chickie had bonded. The only person he liked as well as her and Ian was Aruna’s husband, Liam.

  “Oh, there he is,” she crooned to the werewolf. “There’s my angel. I missed him, yes, I did. Oh yes I did.”

  He was whimpering with happiness; I could hear it from the couch.

  “Look what Mommy has for you!”

  “Aruna, stop feeding that dog people food,” I admonished.

  “That’s steak, yes, it is,” she said to Chickie, ignoring me completely.

  Lord. “Don’t give that dog steak!”

  “We’re not going to listen to him, are we? No, we’re not; no, we’re not. He’s a buzzkill, yes, he is.”

  I gave up because she was going to do whatever she wanted anyway.

  “Hello,” Janet snapped at me.

  “What?”

  “I was trying to tell you that there’s no way to wear that dog out, but I bet I got closer than your partner ever has.”

  I scoffed. “He’s very scary, you have no idea.”

  “He may run fast, but I run far,” she quipped. “My husband can barely keep up with me.”

  “Speaking of your husband, isn’t it time for you to go home?”

  “Shut up,” she mumbled, walking by me, going to the kitchen where Aruna was cooking something that smelled heavenly.

  “Give the dog water,” I ordered.

  “He has water,” Aruna informed me. “And steak.”

  I groaned and cast around for support.

  Catherine was up in the loft, on the phone with her husband, and every now and then, I’d hear her laugh in that deep, throaty way of hers.

  “So,” Min said docilely, taking a seat beside my legs on the couch, curling her own up under her. “How are you feeling?”

  I knew her better than to believe that docility was real. She was setting me up; it was the same way she started in court, all sweet like she was a bunny instead of a tiger. “Much better.”

  Her simpering smile was terrifying.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake, spit it out.”

  “Fine. What’s going on with your love life?”

  Silence.

  “I gotta call you back,” I heard Catherine say to her husband, and she was downstairs seconds later as Janet and Aruna appeared at the kitchen door.

  They hovered like vultures.

  Jesus.

  I pulled one of the throw pillows I was using to prop myself up from behind my back and covered my face. After several moments, I lifted it up and found my four friends sitting around me. Three perched on the coffee table, staring, and Min had not moved.

  “Do tell,” Janet fished.

  “You guys are all so pretty,” I said, just to be saying something, even though it was true.

  Catherine scowled, tucking a long black lock of hair behind her ear. It had come loose from the French twist. As a surgeon, she was used to wearing it like that, up and away from her face. “Answer the goddamn question.”

  “You swear a lot.”

  “So you like to remind me,” she said patronizingly. “Now talk.”

  “Yeah, talk,” Janet said sweetly. “And if there are any juicy bits—”

  “Start with those,” Min prodded. “I love the juicy bits.”

  “What do you—”

  “You know who was hot?” Aruna sighed. “His boss.”

  “Oh, I didn’t see him.” Janet sounded sad. “Tell me.”

  “So yummy, your boss,” Aruna said, leering at me.

  “He’s married, you know. Didn’t you see the ring?” I answered.

  “Which precludes the yummy factor?” Min asked. “Since when?”

  “But never mind, I digress. It’s so very obvious that you’re in love with your partner,” Aruna said with grave certainty. “So where are you in your conquest?”

  “He’s straight,” I announced, “like he’s always been and will always be. Nothing’s magically gonna change.”

  Aruna made a derisive noise, like I was confused. “I’ve met him—hell, we’ve all met him, but I’ve actually been in this very room when he’s here, and the way he tracks you with his eyes…. Miro, baby, he’s so not straight.”

  “He—”

  “Or maybe he is but he just wants you,” Janet chimed in.

  “Fuck, that’s hot,” Catherine whispered.

  They were all driving me nuts.

  “You know, since you’re convalescing, shouldn’t someone go over to Ian’s place and water his plants and check his mail?” Min offered brightly.

  “Yeah,” Janet agreed. “I mean, you’ve got his dog, but there must be things he needs done.”

  “Where is this going?” I asked, suspicious.

  “Well, we’re just saying that his place probably needs to be aired out or something, and since you can’t do it…we will.”

  “No.”

  “Why no?” Min seemed interested in my answer. “His mail is probably piling up in his box. Someone should take care of that.”

  “Because I don’t want you guys snooping around in there.”

  “Miro Jones, we would never!”

  Janet crossed her heart as Aruna cackled.

  They were killing me. “I’m serious. You—”

  “And that way we could check and see if Ian’s seeing anyone else.”

  “He’s not.”

  All four of them were looking at me with bemused expressions.

  “No, I don’t mean like, he’s not seeing anyone else, I mean he’s not seeing anyone at all. His girlfriend just broke up with him.”

  “How wonderful,” Catherine said evilly.

  “You’re not listening to me.”

  “I am,” she huffed. “But now I’m bored. I want to talk about right now, and since Ian’s not here and we don’t know when he’s coming back, what else can you do… or who….”

  “Oh yes,” Aruna began suggestively, “we need someone new and interesting.”

  “What’re you—”

  “Like some other hottie,” Janet said, waggling her eyebrows.
/>   “Wait—”

  “And you know who was just frickin’ edible,” Min said, moving along the couch to stop beside my hip. “Your doctor.”

  “Thank you,” Catherine teased. “I am, aren’t I?” Janet whacked her with a pillow as she dissolved into husky laughter.

  “You should ask him out,” Aruna insisted. “He was really pretty.”

  “Oh yes he was,” Min concurred.

  “I’ll dial the hospital,” Janet offered. “Maybe he’ll come over here and play doctor with you.”

  “He might not even be gay,” I protested in desperation.

  Dead silence. I made a choking noise in the back of my throat.

  “Man, your gaydar is for shit,” Catherine assured me. “Jesus Christ, Miro, how are you missing all this?”

  “Isn’t it time for you guys to go home?”

  Min passed judgment: “You need to get laid.”

  “I—”

  “You can get backed up,” Janet seconded, before turning to Catherine. “Men can get sick from that, can’t they? That’s what Ned says.”

  “Your husband would say anything to make sure he gets laid.”

  “My husband gets laid plenty,” she said, giving me far more information than I needed. “But you, Miro, how long’s it been? Have you gotten any since Brent left?”

  “Dear God, stop,” I pleaded, rolling over onto my stomach.

  “Ohmygod, no wonder he’s not getting laid, look at those pajamas.” Min was aghast.

  “I just saw the cutest lounge pants when I was online before my run,” Janet said, getting up to grab her iPad from the end table. “You know what we should do….”

  “Shopping!” Catherine yelled, and she gave a war-whoop for good measure.

  “I can’t go, I’m convalescing,” I reminded them all.

  “Like you need to go,” Aruna said indignantly. “When have you ever needed to go?”

  “Please don’t throw out anything I own now,” I begged.

  “No, of course not,” Min promised, holding out her hands in reassurance.

  Aruna put a glass of water in one and a pill in the other.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “You guys can’t drug me. I’ve slept enough.”

  “Listen to your doctor,” Catherine said, giving me a big cheesy smile.

  “But I’m hungry,” I whined.

  “You can eat first, honey,” Aruna promised.

  I gave in, took the pain pill that would knock me on my ass, and patted Chickie, who walked over beside me and flopped down on his side. I sat up and took the plate of tandoori chicken, masala dosa, and korma salad she had made special because it was my favorite.

  “Thank you,” I said sincerely, and Aruna leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

  “Where’s mine?” Janet wanted to know.

  “The rest of you can get your own damn plates.”

  “You are getting so hormonal,” Min griped at Aruna.

  “It’ll only get worse,” Catherine explained in her doctor voice, as if we were all having a consult.

  The food was amazing; I had seconds, drank a lot more water, and then lay back down.

  “I love you guys,” I said as I felt my body getting heavy.

  “We know, baby,” Aruna sighed. “We know.”

  I fell asleep listening to my friends talk as they sat around me on the sectional and coffee table and ate. It reminded me of how it was before I had a job where I could die and a partner I wanted badly enough that frankly no other man would do.

  Chapter 10

  TWO WEEKS later, I went with Ethan Sharpe and Jer Kowalski—Jer was short for something I had no hope of ever learning—to visit Sharpe’s partner, Chandler White. We were ridiculously happy to see him cleaning his back-up gun, a sub-compact Stainless Kimber Ultra Raptor, on the coffee table in his living room.

  “Why can’t he go with you guys now?” His wife, Pam, whined when she got home from work. Originally she had taken family leave time, but she went back early to escape him. That she was a high school English teacher and still would rather deal with hormonal teenagers than her husband said a lot about how annoying he had become.

  “Next Monday,” Sharpe said, picking up the PS4 game controller as White grabbed the other. “I’ll pick him up bright and early.”

  As it was only Thursday afternoon, she whimpered before she went to the kitchen. They looked good on the couch together, the freckle-faced, brown-haired, blue-eyed White and his taller, darker, sleeker partner. Sharpe had told me at some point that his parents met when his father was stationed overseas in Paris; his mother had just recently relocated from Delhi, so with both being new to the city, they had fallen into friendship and love fast.

  “You never know when you’re gonna fall in love, Jones,” Sharpe had told me. “The girl for me could be just around the corner.”

  I had argued that he perhaps needed to slow down auditioning women for the lead role in his life. Between him and Kohn, they were running through the lovely ladies of Chicago fast.

  “We gotta go,” Kowalski announced, rising from the linen-covered wing chair he’d been sitting in. “Sharpe, you coming?”

  No, he was going to stay and have lunch with his partner—I understood the desire, I wished I could break bread with mine—so Kowalski had to ride with me back to the office.

  “Tell me about the wolf again,” he asked as he got into the black Nissan Xterra I was currently driving. The Jungle Boogie car had recently been sold at auction, so I got the next vehicle seized in a drug bust.

  “Ian’s dad went out of town last night, so I had no place to dump him off this morning.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “But my friend Aruna, she called me last night and said that she and her husband could take him this weekend since they’re driving out to Wisconsin for a family reunion.”

  “Okay.”

  “I guess it’s at some lodge where he’ll have a place to run and do whatever.”

  “You’re not afraid someone will mistake him for a real wolf and shoot his furry ass?”

  “With a big lime-green collar?”

  Kowalski shrugged. “I guess. At least he doesn’t have one of those douchey bandanas.”

  I chuckled.

  “So that’s why you were late getting over here, ’cause you had to drop off the dog.”

  “Right.”

  “Has Doyle’s wolf been with you for the whole two months?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Gee, Jones, I wish I had a nice boyfriend like you too.”

  I slammed on the brakes, which made his seatbelt tighten fast, catching him sharp and tight across the chest.

  “Fuck!”

  “Seatbelts work,” I said drolly, rolling my head to look at him.

  “The problem with you is you’re way too fuckin’ sensitive.”

  I waited.

  “Fine, sorry, whatever, can we go?”

  I gave him the silent treatment as we sat in traffic.

  “I know you miss him,” Kowalski said out of the blue.

  “What’re you talking about?”

  “Doyle,” he explained. “You miss your partner. I’d miss Kohn, if he took off too. Only your partner really knows you.”

  Since grown men did not whimper with pent-up need, I just cleared my throat and agreed with him. When my phone rang, I was going to answer it, but Kowalski slapped my hand.

  “Where’s your earpiece?”

  “Probably in the other car,” I snapped, answering on the second ring.

  “Hey,” Aruna said on the other end. “Dogs can’t have chocolate, can they?”

  “No.”

  “How ’bout yogurt?”

  “Listen to me: do not feed that dog people food. I told you that before.”

  The tsk of displeasure was not lost on me.

  “Lemme talk to your husband.”

  Quick huff and then, “Hey.” Liam Duffy’s baritone swirled over the line. “What’s up?”
/>
  “I just wanted to thank you again for doing this for me.”

  “Are you kidding?” he said happily. “He’s always so good when you bring him over, and now I have someone to run with while I’m up there, and to help look out for Aruna.”

  It was true. Chickie had a protective instinct when it came to women and a weird herding thing he did with kids. He was always trying to corral Aruna and put himself between her and other people. She praised him for it, and he wriggled with joy.

  “I think you left me too much dog food, though.”

  “It’s funny that you think that thirty-five pound bag will last.”

  “Really?” He sounded surprised. “For three days?”

  I cackled before I hung up.

  “Seriously, Jones,” Kowalski said quickly. “Where’s your earpiece?”

  He was so by-the-book, which made sense, because Kohn was very similar to him. Ian was not a stickler for the rules and had worn me down in some areas so that I, too, disregarded them.

  “So what’s it like, trying to keep Kohn’s women straight?”

  “What’s it like having all your bones broken following around Captain America?”

  “I actually break things and get shot all on my own now.”

  He had no witty comeback.

  We were silent for the rest of the drive in, and I made sure to pull up in front of our building so he could get out and not have to go to the garage with me.

  “What?”

  “You can get out, I—”

  “No, man, park the car. Don’t be so fuckin’ sensitive.”

  Turning to him, the mountain of muscle in the passenger seat beside me—his biceps were bigger than my thighs, his neck nonexistent—I waited.