His Porn, Her Pain, Confronting America's PornPanic with Honest Talk about Sex

by Marty Klein

  But let’s get back to her marvelous new book.

  In 1973, Nitke’s husband Herb produced the historic film The Devil in Miss Jones, launching the Golden Age of Porn. Nine years later, as the era was coming to a close, Nitke was hired to shoot publicity stills as porn films were being shot. The industry was filled with energetic young people straight out of film school, all creating a new genre of movie. Many of the performers were creative and self-aware as well.

  As Nitke recalls, “Every time [I started a new shoot], I had a fresh feeling of running away to join the circus. I had a ringside seat at the greatest show on earth.”

  With this book American Ecstasy, we do, too.

  The photos feature garter belts and boom mikes; naked men and women patiently awaiting the perfect placement of a spotlight; exhausted, gorgeous women catching a nap between takes, hair mussed. There’s an astonishing photo of a nude 27-year-old Nina Hartley straddling Damian Cashmere’s face—and talking to director Henri Pachard.

  All the while, Nitke is telling us what is was like for her—and this woman can write. She’s funny, she’s insightful, she’s compassionate, she’s melancholy. A gifted storyteller, she recalls the hard work, the frustration, the triumphs—and the humanity of everyone concerned. She generously adds commentary by the giants of the era. Nina Hartley says some pretty smart things about being in the business. So does Candida Royalle. So do a lot of the men and women involved in creating the images we’ve been living with for decades. They’re the subterranean explorers for a society that has a never-ending thirst for what they do—while marginalizing and damning them for doing it.

  American Ecstasy is simultaneously three books. There are the sexy, compelling, sometimes surprising photographs. There’s the writing by both Nitke and the various participants. And there’s the juxtaposition of the photos and words, which gives heightened resonance to each other. We can read Ron Jeremy’s thoughts (“It’s a wonderful life … but once in a while, I hate to think that this is all I’ve done … it all ended in my being a porn actor, and that’s as far as I got.”) while looking at a photo of him enraptured with the girl of our dreams. Candida Royalle talks about her years of needing rape fantasies in order to get real satisfaction.

  Whether through picture or story, the book features dozens of fascinating people: Sharon Mitchell, Joey Silvera, Nina Hartley, Ron Jeremy, and others. Together they’ve been involved in hundreds of millions of American orgasms. Millions of hours of American ecstasy.

  The production of this book is simply fantastic. The binding, the heavy paper, the voluptuous color all combine to bring these images and this era to life. With all due to respect to Kindles and iPads, if you like actual books, you will love this book.

  Some people say a picture is worth a thousand words. As an author, I’ve always said that a word is worth a thousand pictures. With Nitke’s work, we don’t have to choose. Combining words and pictures, she documents an era brimming with outlaw eroticism, fearless experimentation, and youthful innocence. In this unique way she enriches our perspective on something that has become, for many of us, quite mundane. And she entertains us at the same time.

  It’s a great accomplishment, definitely worth the price, and a highly recommended treat for yourself, or for someone you love.

  Interlude C

  THE MYTH OF PORN’S PERFECT BODIES

  Among the complaints I repeatedly hear about porn is that it features perfect female bodies, which supposedly makes male consumers lose interest in normal, imperfect bodies. Normal imperfect bodies, of course, are what most men are limited to in real life.

  People who allege that porn features only perfect bodies (including uniform, perfect labia) are almost always unfamiliar with actual porn. Porn consumers don’t describe porn that way, because it simply isn’t true.

  Sure, many porn consumers seek out and enjoy conventionally perfect bodies—young, unblemished, wrinkle-free, incredibly round where they’re round, as smooth and firm as polished teak where they’re smooth and firm.

  But an enormous percentage of Internet porn features adult bodies very different from that. If you don’t watch porn you wouldn’t know this. But if you watch adult porn, you know what’s out there, including:

  Amateur porn: Porn posted by non-professionals, usually made in their homes or hotel rooms. These men and women look like you and me—unless, of course, you look like Brad Pitt or Scarlett Johansson.

  Amateur porn not only features the non-gorgeous, it sometimes features the downright average-looking. And that’s what consumers of amateur porn apparently often want—regular people looking regular, doing sexual things. It’s the genuine enthusiasm that these consumers love, combined with the idea that the film could have been made by neighbors just down the street. Now if only we could get those neighbors to vacuum the living room before making their next video.

  Non-silicone, often non-perky: Critics who claim that every porn actress is puffed up with silicone are full of, um, hot air. While the eerily perfect silicone look has lots of fans, so does the natural look.

  Many top porn actresses feature exactly what they grew on their own, glorious imperfections and all. And some have less than they used to—whether they’re called hangers, droopers, suckers, or saggers, there’s an audience for breasts that are definitely not youthfully perky. What a great country—whatever breast type you like (including small and extra-small), there’s porn made exactly for you.

  Fetish: While many porn sites feature videos for the mainstream, others cater to niche markets. Fetish sites aren’t for everyone, but one by one they feature everything you can imagine, and plenty you don’t: women who don’t shave their legs, women on their periods, women with giant clitorises, women with bald heads, women amputees, women who are lactating, women wearing diapers, women a little overweight, a lot overweight, and so overweight they have trouble navigating a doorway.

  No Plain Janes need apply here.

  Why do some consumers like to wank to pictures of pregnant women or women finger-painting with their menstrual blood? People who enjoy it answer exactly the same as everyone else describing their favorite visual arousal: “I dunno, it just works for me.” That’s the same answer you give when asked why you prefer the flavor of fruit juice that you do, right?

  Old: There’s mommy porn, granny porn, grandpa porn, in-law porn, mature porn. That’s a lot of gray hair.

  Some crusaders say that watching videos of old people being sexual is even more disgusting than watching “normal” (still objectionable) porn. But these days we all believe it’s OK for older people to be sexual, right? In fact, every evening TV commercials show older people getting ready for sex—with Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, not to mention medications for pain and overactive bladder. So how are videos of their sexuality any more perverted than videos of young adults having sex?

  The “decency” critics want to have it both ways—they demonize porn for featuring unrealistically beautiful young actresses, and then they cringe when porn features more normal-looking middle-aged or older actors and actresses.

  * * *

  So what does this all mean?

  First, people who don’t know porn should stop talking about what porn shows. For critics who say, “But I don’t want to watch that crap,” fine, don’t watch it—but then you don’t get to be a critic. If you insist on being an ignorant critic, at least preface every third sentence you say with, “Of course, I don’t know what actual porn is like, because I haven’t really seen any.”

  Second, people surprised with the real content of porn should ask themselves—if it isn’t just the perfect bodies, what else do people want from porn? Why do they watch stuff that I wouldn’t watch in a million years if I wanted to be aroused?

  That’s where things get interesting, because humans watch and get excited by an incredibly wide range of sexually explicit material.

  So why does our human family love consuming images of things they don’t necessarily want to d
o themselves? Consider common video choices: straight men like to watch men fellating men. Inhibited people like to watch orgies. Assertive women like to watch submissive women.

  We are a perverse species.

  Different people watch porn for different reasons. We shouldn’t be surprised that different people like different kinds of porn, including porn that you or I might find boring, disgusting, stupid, or way too much like our first marriage.

  If we thought of porn the way we think of everything else—TV, novels, clothes, kitchen appliances—we would have predicted this. In porn, as in most things, American consumers have a wide range of choices, and they vote with their eyeballs. Every eyeball likes perfect images. Intriguingly, every person with eyeballs imagines perfection differently.

  If a decency crusader doesn’t watch porn, and thinks that people engage with porn differently than they engage with everything else in their lives, he or she wouldn’t—couldn’t—imagine this.

  And if a decency crusader knows nothing about everyday life, he or she could easily overlook the simple fact that all of us are surrounded by gorgeous bodies—at work, at the grocery store, in the airport, at the gym, on the street—and have to figure out how to stay interested in our imperfectly bodied mate at home. Porn is the least of that problem, which has existed in the West since the Greeks and Romans.

  Interlude D

  RULE 34: WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY

  Rule 34 is: If it exists, or you can imagine it, there is porn (or sexualized examples) of it. No exceptions. (And Rule 34a: If it doesn’t exist, it soon will.)

  Why does Rule 34 deserve its own interlude here? Because it summarizes everything about sexuality.

  It says that human sexual fantasy is limitless. It says that anything can be eroticized, can be arousing, can be life-affirming. It reminds us that any ideas we have about what constitutes normal sex are about us, not about sex. I’m always telling patients, “Don’t blame sex for your ideas about sex.”

  Rule 34 reminds us exactly what pornography is: a library of human eroticism. Pornography is a celebration of how humans can stretch their erotic imagination—sometimes in ways that disturb you or me. Nevertheless, pornography celebrates the erotic imagination beyond specific content. Like the ability to imagine the future, and the knowledge that we’re going to die, the enormous range of pornography is uniquely human.

  Rule 34 also reminds us that people don’t necessarily want to do what they fantasize about. Sex with Kramer, George, and Jerry at the same time? Sex with a dolphin? Sex with someone about to be guillotined for stealing a loaf of bread? Sex with your grandmother at high noon on Times Square? A threesome with Batman and Robin?

  Rule 34 also reminds us of the coin’s other side—that none of us can imagine the entire range of human eroticism. That should keep us humble. It’s somewhat like a gourmet travelling to a far-off, isolated country and discovering the locals eat something he never considered food—say, fried worms. The issue isn’t so much whether or not the gourmet wants to eat fried worms; rather, it’s the idea that there’s “food” that he never considered to be food. And if that’s true about fried worms, about how many other “foods” might that also be true?

  Rule 34 shows that we’re all knitted together in an erotic brotherhood and sisterhood. If the human project of eroticism is bigger than both you and me, your turn-on and my turn-on that appear so different from each other are really small parts of a much bigger whole. And there are others who are into your turn-on (which I find so exotic), and there are others—perhaps many others—who think my turn-on is so very exotic.

  Imagine travelling to another country whose customs may be unfamiliar. We go to Italy and see adults and children topless together on the same beach. We go to India and see cows on the street. We go to Vietnam and see old women doing manual labor on construction sites. We go to Denmark and see men and women nude in a sauna together. We go to Russia and learn we have to bribe taxi drivers with Marlboros if we want them to pick us up.

  International travel teaches us about our own customs: when I return from a trip I’ve always learned something about the way we do things, because I’ve been to a place where they don’t do that. I learn that my way isn’t the right way, it’s just my way. No matter how much I prefer it, no matter how much it’s right for me, it’s just my way, not the right way.

  Rule 34 helps us understand that about sexuality. Your porn isn’t right, it’s just your porn. That goes for No Porn, and Gentle Porn, too: it isn’t right, it’s just your way. And that goes for our sexuality in general—our way isn’t the right way, it’s just our way. A good sexual relationship involves people whose respective ways mesh: one person expands their vocabulary, or both do, or one narrows theirs, or both do. As long as people can fit together with dignity and celebration (um, there’s my values again), it doesn’t matter what they do.

  Rule 34: Everyone else is different from you. But governments, religions, and activists try to whitewash almost every kind of sexuality except the version of which they approve. As biologist Mickey Diamond says, nature loves variety; unfortunately, society hates it.

  Interlude E

  NO, MABEL, YOU DON’T HAVE TO COMPETE WITH PORN ACTRESSES

  One of the objections that some women have to their partners watching porn is, “I can’t compete with the women in those videos.”

  The idea that a woman has to compete with the women or activities in porn films is an unfortunate misunderstanding.

  Now, some women feel they have to compete with mainstream celebrities like Selena Gomez and Beyoncé (and before that, with Marilyn Monroe and Sharon Stone, and before that, with Helen of Troy). That’s a fool’s errand that no one should attempt. These are professionals; do not attempt to do their job in your home.

  If you’re smart enough to realize you can’t (and don’t need to) compete with JLo or JLaw, why would you feel compelled to compete with Candye Kisses or Rosie Cheex?

  While making superficial comparisons in life is inevitable, most men know that porn is a fantasy, not a documentary. No one actually expects his girlfriend to pay the pizza delivery guy with oral sex, and no grownup really expects his partner to look or act like a porn star. Like the NFL and Cirque du Soleil, people in porn are selected for their unusual bodies. Very unusual bodies.

  Sadly, sometimes it’s women, not their men, who are comparing themselves with porn stars. Ladies, you’re not competing with a real person, you’re attempting to compete with a cinematic character—who has the benefit of lighting, editing, a fictional partner with unlimited energy and desire, and a script instructing her to defy gravity while moaning on cue.

  You can’t compete with that character any more than your man can compete with the James Bond character, the Captain Kirk character, or the Sherlock Holmes character.

  Perhaps a glance at “supermodels without makeup” will help put things into perspective.1 Ladies, unless you’re a porn actress with professionals working on your makeup, hair, and lighting, you won’t look like a porn actress when you have sex. And without editing equipment in your bedroom, you won’t sound like one, either.

  By the way, let’s be honest—plenty of women love to consume images of gorgeous females, too. Who else is the audience for People Magazine, E! News, and those award-show red carpet previews? And please don’t say you’re interested in “fashion” or “style” (or “news”)—the audience’s interest is in beautiful women wearing clothes that reveal more than they cover. Admit it—aren’t you a little disappointed when some famous babe shows up in a pantsuit or something that hides her cleavage?

  (Note: Shouts of “sexism!” do not constitute a thoughtful critique here. No one ogling Leonardo DiCaprio or Matthew McConaughey is thinking “What a fine actor” or “What an expressive artist.” No—eyeballing these guys is the same activity as eyeballing Sofia Vergara. Can’t we just admit it and get on with our fantasies?)

  That said, plenty of porn features women who are not co
nventionally beautiful. There’s amateur porn, granny porn, saggy-boobs porn, and obese porn, to name a few. People who view such things are looking for something other than perfect bodies. They may enjoy watching ordinary-looking people doing ordinary sexual things. They almost certainly enjoy the actresses’ erotic enthusiasm, whether it’s been scripted for professionals or it’s authentic from amateurs.

  If there’s any way your man compares you to porn, it’s most likely about enthusiasm—which for almost all men trumps a perfect body any time. Good news: this means your less-than-perfect body doesn’t disqualify you in bed.

  When women are convinced that their partners are thinking about porn stars while having sex with them, I ask how they know this. During sex does he call you the wrong name, does he seem a million miles away, does he keep talking dirty even when you’ve repeatedly asked him not to? Most women answer no. Instead of evidence, they say, “Why would he focus on my lumpy body during sex when he could be thinking about Ophelia Rump, who’s perfectly round and firm?”

  Why would he? What about feeling desired, touching and being touched, kissing, nibbling, smelling, pleasing someone else, and feeling part of the ongoing human erotic parade? Sex with Mary FiveFingers while watching porn may provide more perfect stimulation and a more reliable orgasm, but when it comes to sex, friction isn’t everything.

  So if your question is, “Why would he focus on me during sex?,” you may need to look at your sexual self-esteem. I’m very sympathetic if you can’t imagine why he’d rather focus on the live, imperfect naked woman he has with him rather than a maybe-perfect-looking body in a movie.

  You might want to check how much your self-consciousness or despair about your body is undermining your mutual sexual enjoyment. It’s not like you’re going to wake up next week with the perfect body or boundless energy of a 24-year-old (unless you’re 24 right now), so you both need to figure out how to eroticize the conventional body of a person your age, in your condition.