His Porn, Her Pain, Confronting America's PornPanic with Honest Talk about Sex

by Marty Klein

  (See, for example, Loftus’s reassuring work on what men see when they watch porn, and that most know it’s a fantasy.35)

  In porn, anti-porn critics see women doing things they believe no sane woman would do, so they see coercion, humiliation, and hostility toward women. Critics don’t see depictions of women’s pleasure as women’s pleasure. They see no collaboration. In porn, critics only see men doing things men want to do (have wild sex) while they see women doing things women supposedly don’t want to do (have wild sex).

  So of course they only see women servicing men, women as victims, men as coercive. Critics don’t see collaboration in sexual scenes. This dramatically dismisses female sexuality and lust—and tells women what they should and shouldn’t feel.

  It’s a reminder of the earnest conversations of 1970s feminists, documented in magazines like Ms. and On Our Backs: Can you be a feminist and like spanking? Can you be a feminist and like to be entered from behind, or to role-play as a naughty school girl?

  Radical anti-porn critics apparently need to get out more and meet a wider spectrum of women. And they need to stop fearing female sexuality in all its richness, darkness, and adult power. Sexuality doesn’t have to be wholesome to be healthy.

  Chapter Eight

  IF YOU’RE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR INVOLVEMENT WITH PORN

  Just because you watch a ton of porn

  doesn’t mean you have a porn problem.

  Although you might.

  Just about every week, here’s the kind of pain I hear from one guy or another about his porn-watching:

  “I watch more than I intend to”

  “I feel guilty”

  “Sometimes I have trouble telling what’s real”

  “I feel inadequate compared to porn”

  “I’m afraid the stuff I look at is sick”

  “I want a partner with a perfect body”

  “My girlfriend says I’m as bad as a rapist or trafficker”

  “I know she doesn’t like me watching porn”

  “I feel like a pathetic loser”

  “I don’t think it’s normal for a grown man to masturbate”

  “I don’t think it’s right for a married man to masturbate”

  “I hate keeping a secret”

  “I’m afraid I’m addicted”

  “God must surely hate me”

  “She’s always telling me I’m a pervert”

  “She’s says I’m a selfish bastard”

  “I’m always looking at women as if they’re naked”

  “I can’t tell anyone about this”

  “I’ve tried quitting porn more than once, but I keep coming back to it”

  “I can’t seem to create sex like I see in porn, and it’s frustrating”

  Some of these guys watch 20 minutes a week. Some of these guys watch 20 times a week. They’re all ages and backgrounds; some are fabulously wealthy, others are barely paying their bills every month. For some guys I’m the fourth or fifth therapist they’ve seen; for others, just coming to a therapist once feels like a shameful failure. Many of them are so flooded by emotion they can’t think straight about their situation.

  Maybe you’re one of these guys, or you know someone who is. So let’s talk.

  The first step in treating anyone is getting a sense of whether they actually have a problem, and if so, what kind of problem it is. Regardless of what someone’s distress is about, here’s how I generally think about incoming patients:

  Someone else says you have problem; and/or

  You’re concerned that you might have a problem; and/or

  You have an actual problem.

  It’s the same with problems that are supposedly sex problems, or supposedly porn problems:

  Someone else says you have problem; and/or

  You’re concerned that you might have a problem; and/or

  You have an actual problem.

  Here are the stories of three different men I saw last year. Can you see that they might need completely different treatment approaches?

  Here’s Isaac:

  “My wife hates that I watch porn two or three times a week. Recently she made me take this test from a website, and it says I’m a porn addict. We go to church every few months—you know, mostly for weddings or baptisms, or when my wife’s parents are in town—and sure enough, a few weeks ago the pastor was going on about porn, and how it damages men and their families. My brother-in-law goes to AA meetings, and he said that a lot of people have a porn addiction, especially alcoholics. So he says he’s swearing off porn. He says it’s harder than giving up drinking. So it feels like everyone’s leaning on me to see that I have a porn problem. Do you think I do?”

  Here’s Mario:

  “I’ve watched porn most of my adult life, and I never gave it a second thought—you know, just a harmless, fun thing. Then I noticed most of the stuff I watch these days is about college girls. Still harmless, I guess, but my own daughter is in high school now, and her friends, wow, some of them are gorgeous young women. I worry that looking at porn and then looking at Celia’s friends, well, maybe I’m getting a little confused. Is it OK to have those fantasies? Is porn causing me problems, or will it? I’m still interested in my wife, but sometimes I think about other women when we make love. Is that normal?”

  Here’s Steve:

  “I watch porn every night. It’s part of my routine—work late, come home, eat, watch Netflix while I check email, and then go to my favorite porn website. The thing is, I figure I’ll just watch a little, but it’s like I go into a trance, and don’t come out for hours. I’m always amazed that I’ve been ‘gone’ so long. Sometimes when I’m struggling to get up in the morning after only five or six hours of sleep I tell myself ‘no porn tonight’ or ‘only 20 minutes of porn tonight.’ But that never works, it’s another two or three hours of porn, way past midnight. And then in the morning I feel really pathetic. It seems I can’t watch less, and I certainly can’t give it up altogether. What’s wrong with me?”

  Very different situations, at least regarding porn, right? So what sort of assessment does someone need if they have questions or issues about porn? Here are some things I want to know during our first session:

  Do they masturbate while watching porn? Do they enjoy it? Do they feel guilty about masturbating, as distinct from their feelings about porn?

  If they’re in, or have ever been in, a relationship, how do/did they function in it overall? If they’ve never been in a relationship, why not?

  How do they function out in the world—at work or socially?

  Do they feel or seem out of control in any other part of their lives?

  What is their involvement in alcohol or drugs?

  What prescription medications, if any, are they on?

  Do they have a healthy relationship with the Internet in non-porn contexts?

  You’ll notice that only one of these questions is about pornography. That’s because the basic aspects of people’s problems involving pornography usually don’t revolve around porn. So I want to know more about the person, which helps me understand the context, or meaning, of the porn-related behavior. This approach puzzles some guys, but they mostly feel relieved that I don’t immediately jump on the omigod-it’s-a-porn-problem bandwagon. And yes, this comprehensive approach is in dramatic contrast to the porn addiction model, which starts, ends, and focuses on porn.

  If it seems like a guy is mostly worrying in response to external pressure, treatment includes discussions about whether or not he is entitled to evaluate his porn-watching for himself, and whether there are other non-porn issues he needs to address (such as the power dynamics in his relationship, or his degree of assertiveness in life). Treatment often results in him reviewing his options for dealing with external pressure; clarification of his goals and values; and a sense that he’s entitled to decide how he wants to live his life. He can then choose what he wants to do about his porn-watching.

  If it seems like a guy i
s struggling more with internal pressure, our conversations focus on the dynamics of fear, anxiety, shame, and guilt, and how those might be mistaken for an actual problem. We talk about the nature of fantasy, and the importance of self-acceptance, especially around sexuality. Treatment often results in him reviewing his rigid, internal rules about things like masculinity, sexuality, fidelity, fantasy, or autonomy within a couple; again, he can then choose what he wants to do about his porn-watching.

  Note that both groups of guys are more vulnerable to pressure (internal or external) because of America’s PornPanic—which gives their decisions around porn, and others’ judgements, an artificial sense of urgency. This, of course, makes it hard to think clearly. And PornPanic establishes other people and organizations as stakeholders in their personal porn habits. Suddenly, their porn-watching isn’t private, but is something that others legitimately claim affects them.

  When someone’s problematic porn use interfaces with problems in other areas of their life—e.g., social isolation—it can easily look like they have a porn problem. Often, the more we discuss the life of someone with a so-called porn problem, the less likely it seems that their problem is porn. Unfortunately, PornPanic gets people so anxious and judgmental about porn that the non-porn issues of porn users get less attention than they should.

  So as in many diagnostic evaluations, someone with an actual problem is often identified through a process of elimination. For example:

  • Is the problem porn, or is it the Internet?

  Many people get lost in the Internet; porn is the content for some, but if you take away porn, they’ll stay lost in the Internet. The DSM-5 lists “Internet Gaming Disorder” as a condition needing further study. And there are now books, websites, and treatment programs for “Internet Addiction,” considered by some to be a problem for millions of adults. I don’t think “internet addiction” is a helpful model, but many people are way too attached to the internet.

  Similarly, research reports1 that half of American adults would “feel anxious” without their smartphone; although many people watch porn on them, even more people use them to check email compulsively. Most of us are prey to “variable ratio reinforcement”—we never know when we’ll get a satisfying email, so we keep checking, over and over, regardless of consequences.

  • Is the problem porn, or is it masturbation?

  Of course, tens of millions of men and women masturbate weekly or daily without feeling any distress whatsoever. But some people masturbate only once a month and feel terribly guilty; others masturbate three or four times a day, and feel sore, confused, frustrated, or ashamed. These same people may not want sex with their mate, adding another layer of complexity to the situation.

  • Is the problem porn, or is it the sexual dynamics in someone’s life?

  A porn user may be in a relationship that isn’t sexually satisfying, whether in quantity, quality, or specific content. Or he may feel sexually inadequate, whether or not he has a classic sexual “dysfunction.”

  • Is the problem porn, or is porn being used to medicate anxiety, depression, loneliness, or anger?

  This is far more common than the media, clinicians, or anti-porn activists realize. Whether accompanied by the reward of orgasm or not, watching porn can temporarily relieve uncomfortable internal states at virtually no immediate cost to the individual.

  * * *

  So what if a guy is concerned, and porn use isn’t the real problem—it’s just an expression of underlying issues? Then we’d expect the following:

  Taking away the porn won’t solve the problem. Indeed, that’s what happens in porn addiction programs or “treatment” when you take the porn away. For example, men almost never have more sex with their wives or girlfriends simply because they stop watching porn.

  Doing without the porn may be harder than anyone assumes (which may encourage the idea that porn is indeed the problem).

  If people do give up porn they’ll be disappointed when their deeper problem resurfaces, or new problems arise.

  Getting the person to admit that there’s something wrong with watching or being attached to porn probably won’t help.

  The person may have multiple problems that aren’t even related to each other (e.g., depression and fear of his fantasies).

  Whatever the actual problem is, it can be fixed without fixing the problematic porn use (which, ironically, may change in response to fixing another problem).

  The assessment may implicate other sexual expressions, such as strip clubs or massage parlors.

  A partner’s self-righteous attitude may be implicated. Generally, this won’t be a helpful voice.

  Some of the relationship’s unspoken agreements may be implicated, such as “We don’t talk about sex” or “We pretend he’s not bisexual.”

  There may be an inability to create meaningful emotional (or sexual) connection in the porn user, or his partner, or both.

  Indeed, these possibilities are exactly what almost everyone (except those stuck in the porn addiction model) has discovered about so-called porn issues. “Porn issues” are, in fact, almost always secondary to other things, so treating them as a primary problem rarely works.

  So if porn isn’t the real problem when someone has issues with porn, what are some of the likely issues?

  From a psychological viewpoint, regularly masturbating to pornography looks like a response to a wide range of situations, such as isolation, curiosity, anger, and guilt (as well as a simple desire for erotic pleasure). Whether consciously or (more often) unconsciously, many emotional challenges end up with men taking refuge in porn—whether or not they withdraw from their partners emotionally or sexually. Let’s look at some examples.

  A. Everyone has emotional ups and downs. Some of us have more downs than others, and some have more severe downs. Those downs can be varying degrees of depression or anxiety, as well as related conditions like loneliness, self-criticism, fear of the future, and feeling unattractive. We all need the ability to regulate our emotions; when we’re strong enough, we do that through positive self-talk (“tomorrow is another day”; “people still love me”; “that was just bad luck”).

  At other times, we use less functional means to regulate our feelings, such as snacking, drinking, flirting, shopping, or picking fights. The advantages and disadvantages of each are fairly clear. For some people, masturbating to porn is an important way to self-regulate. And like snacking or drinking, it can be done in moderate ways or self-harming ways. When the only way that people can medicate their feelings is by getting immersed in fantasy, that can lead to trouble.

  It’s even more complicated when people struggle to keep their agreements with themselves (“five more minutes and then I’ll stop”). Of course, we’re all familiar with this experience—say, with cookies or Hulu episodes (one more and then I’ll go to bed). When the dysregulated activity is porn-watching, of course, there is far greater stigma.

  B. What if someone’s internal life is even more complicated? Some people struggle with what psychologist Doug Braun-Harvey calls internal erotic conflicts. Perhaps they feel ashamed of what gets them excited; at some point, even the shame itself may be part of the excitement. Psychologist Jack Morin called these “troublesome turn-ons.” This may be true, for example, if a straight man fantasizes about sex with a man; or loves remembering secretly watching his grandmother getting undressed; or wants to explore a fetish or submission. For such a person, getting excited with porn may be the only way to manage their taboo eroticism.

  For many of these guys, hiding their authentic eroticism from their partners seems crucial. They may see porn as enabling them to walk an erotic/shame tightrope: They get to have their excitement, while unconsciously criticizing it as “at least with porn I don’t subject my beloved wife to my perverse preferences or fantasies.”

  C. Shame and fear of judgment are two key reasons that people unconsciously inhibit their arousal with a partner. And yet eroticism demands its day, s
o such a person may turn to porn for solo sex in which he can allow himself higher levels of excitement. Of course, if he lets himself get more excited with porn than with a partner, sex within the relationship can’t possibly compete with masturbating to pornography.

  There may be other reasons people don’t become sufficiently excited with a partner. People are always blaming their partner for being insufficiently sexy or experimental, for not initiating, or for intruding on potential sexual moments with concerns about children or chores. Another reason is that people don’t tell their partners what they like, or they don’t find out what would motivate their partners sexually.

  And of course some people are just wired with less capacity for arousal than others. Their chronic state of low arousal (and even anhedonia) may be temporarily “cured” by dramatic disinhibition—for which they give themselves permission when viewing porn. Because high arousal feels like being alive, there’s an ongoing incentive to disinhibit—i.e., to view porn. In this sense, obsessive viewing can be seen as the result of the unending desire to feel alive.

  I rarely see someone abandon a vibrant sex life for a private life of masturbation with porn.

  However, when partner sex is boring or frustrating, porn can seem like an exciting alternative. The same can be true for someone who dislikes his partner’s body. In fact, there are people for whom masturbating with porn is a desperate attempt to stay in a sexually unsatisfactory (or even sexless) marriage. In this case it can be like an affair—the lesser of two evils, where ending the relationship would be more disruptive, painful, or damaging. And like affairs, by making the unbearable bearable, it can prolong an otherwise unacceptable situation.

  D. A man’s inadequate relationship with himself and his sexuality can make masturbating with porn seem like a safe alternative to the emotional risks of partner sex. A man may mistrust his sexuality, either because he’s had too many scary experiences, or few or no experiences. He may fear that his sexuality will get out of control and overwhelm him, his partner, or both of them.