Shadow: Cerberus MC Book 3

by Marie James

I don’t want to admit that I wish it was me she was laughing with. I wish I was the one getting her fresh bottles of water when she finishes the previous one. I can’t admit that, though. If I do, then I cave. I fold my hand and allow her to win. I can’t let that happen even when I’m no longer certain why exactly I’m staying away from her.

  He places a hand on her thigh as he leans in close to tell her a joke or some shit. I shift my weight in my chair, seconds away from getting up and breaking his hand. Now I know how Kid felt months and months ago when Khloe got drunk and was hanging all over one of the other guys in the club.

  Misty isn’t even drunk, and worse yet, she’s not doing this to make me jealous like Khloe had done. Misty hasn’t so much as looked in my direction all night. It’s as if I don’t even exist out here. The fact that I’m about to kill the fucker, who before today I’d even call a friend that has his hand on her leg doesn’t even register with her. She’s just out here having a good time. I’m the one who’s turned into a pouting fucking baby watching her.

  “Misty,” I hear from the doorway on the back of the house.

  I turn and see Khloe standing just outside with Griffin. He’s fussy and trying to wiggle out of her arms.

  “Perfect time, son,” I say to myself as I see Misty tell Butch goodbye and walk over to the door.

  Misty disappears inside, and I know he’s ready to eat. She’ll be in there a while. He always nurses the longest right before bed.

  I look across the fire at Butch, who I find looking right back at me. He raises an eyebrow at me and takes a sip of his beer. I can tell by the look on his face that he’s not challenging me. It’s more of a warning. Almost as if he’s saying ‘Take care of her, man, or I’ll do it for you.’

  I finish my beer and stand from my chair, trailing behind Misty. By the time I make it to her room and knock softly, she’s already situated in the rocking chair feeding Griffin.

  I don’t say a word as I walk over to her. She’s not trying to be provocative in the least, but she’s stopped covering herself with a blanket when she feeds him. He hates his face shielded from hers when he eats. I look down at him lovingly as he grips the beads around her neck in his little fist. His eyes watch hers; the bond between them unbreakable. It’s an amazingly beautiful sight.

  I caress his tiny head for a long moment. Bending at the waist, I brush a gentle kiss to his head. The action isn’t out of character; it’s sort of become bedtime routine for the three of us. What is different about tonight, is rather than walking out to give them their time together, I lift up and brush a soft kiss on the top of Misty’s head as well. I take a deep breath, letting the scent of her coconut shampoo fill my lungs. She doesn’t say anything, but I can hear the hitch in her breathing as I leave the room.

  I spend the next several hours getting piss drunk with a yard full of rowdy bikers, trying to drown the knowledge that Misty is alone in her room.

  Chapter 27

  I have to remind myself that he’s been drinking as he walks out of the room. That sweet kiss on the top of my head means absolutely nothing, merely a slip on his part. Maybe it was a simple thank you for taking care of Griffin. That has to be it because it’s honestly the nicest physical thing he’s done since I arrived.

  He took care of me when I first got here, but he was angry the entire time, spitting rude comments and accusations at me. He’s housed Griffin and me for months without so much as a bat of an eyelash, but he’s never been outwardly kind. He’s never embraced me. The only time he’s even got close enough for it to be a possibility was when he walked in here and fucked me like I was his to take. Even then there was nothing sweet or kind about it.

  I put the sleeping baby in his crib, laying a thin blanket over his chubby little legs. I make sure he’s on his back, just like the pediatrician says is best, even though I know he’ll be flipped over and curled into a ball with his little butt up in the air by the time sunrise breaks. He’s had several nights over the last couple of weeks where he sleeps straight through; I hope tonight will be one of those nights.

  Wanting to end the night on a positive note, I strip out of my dress and head into the bathroom. After scrubbing the layers of makeup off my face, I climb into the shower. I let the water wash the day away and think about how generous Shadow has been since he got over his initial anger of my arrival months ago.

  He’s been more than helpful with Griffin, taking him whenever I need a break and even showing up on several occasions to spend time with him. He’s never made me feel like I couldn’t go to him for help with the baby when I’ve asked.

  I mentioned in passing to Em that Griffin liked to be rocked to sleep, but the constant motion was hurting my back after my long shifts at the bar. The next day I got home from work and the rocking chair was in the room. The same for the crib. I knew Griffin was getting too big for the tiny bassinet, so one day it was gone, and the crib was in its place.

  Griffin had outgrown his newborn and three-month clothes, and six months clothes replaced those without a word. All of the things Em and Khloe got for both me and Griffin the first couple of days we were here Shadow paid for. I can’t complain about the monetary things because he makes sure we don’t go without, but it’s his touch I crave. It’s his love and affection I yearn to have. Those are the things he keeps to himself.

  I towel off and crawl into bed, not even bothering with clothes. I glance over at the door and feel safe enough here with it locked to not even worry about getting dressed. I let my eyes flutter closed, drifting off to a dream land where my heart and my family is complete.

  I’m disoriented when I feel the bed shift and a warm body slide up next to mine. I stiffen and then try to shuffle away.

  “Hey. It’s only me, Darlin’,” Shadow says in his deep southern drawl.

  “I locked the door,” I say confused as to how he’s in here with me.

  “I have a key. Used to be my room, remember?” I can smell the whiskey on his breath, and I sigh in frustration.

  I need to throw him out. I need to protect my heart. This will end exactly like it did last time.

  But I feel his warm breath coat the back of my neck. I feel his muscled, naked body against my back, and I cave. I give into him because I want this too.

  “You were so beautiful tonight with your hair down your back. That dress made me hard the second I saw you in it. I was hoping you’d still have it on so I could peel it off of you with my teeth.”

  I groan as he whispers dirty things in my ear and his hands reach over my hip and trails slowly down my stomach. My muscles bunch and flex under his inspection and legs open when he slides his hand between my thighs.

  “So fucking beautiful,” he says as his fingers find the slickness of my desire.

  I whimper softly when his fingertips circle my tight bundle of nerves. His mouth connects with my shoulder. Biting me exactly where I want him the most, that tiny little area just below my ear. I rotate my hips riding his hand slowly, trying to find the end of my slow building release.

  “Not yet, Darlin’,” he says pulling his hand away. “I’ll be inside of that tight pussy of yours when you come.”

  I feel him shift slightly away; then the sound of a foil wrapper being torn echoes off the wall.

  My legs have fallen back down, but that doesn’t deter him. He runs his thick hard cock between my legs, stroking in and out between my closed thighs. The tip of his length grazes my clit on every upward stroke, and I know he can make me come this way.

  Gently he raises my leg, holding it in the crook of his elbow as he lines himself up from behind. We’re both lying on our sides when he pushes slowly inside of me. I feel like hot liquid in his arms as his hips gently push against my backside. I know the slow motion of his cock sinking inside of me and retreating is torturing him. I can feel the heat of his body increase. Feel the flush of his skin as it begins to coat with a light layer of perspiration.

  The hand under my thigh slides down and brushes against
my clit. I grip the sheets in my hands and bite my fist to keep from screaming out. The last thing I want right now is to have to stop because we’ve woken Griffin up.

  “Give it to me, Misty,” he demands in my ear. His teeth sinking into my shoulder is the sensation, joined with all of the others, that sends me over the edge.

  “Oh God,” I pant as my body takes over my brain and begins to clench uncontrollably around him.

  He grunts his approval but never stops the slow torturous in-and-out of me. I ride the orgasm as long as I can until my body is spent and completely satiated.

  “I love the warmth of your skin right after you come,” he breathes in my ear. “Love the goose bumps that cover you from top to bottom.”

  I love you, I think as he continues to pump slowly in and out.

  “I should be with you, Misty. I should be a better father to Griffin by spending my life with his mother.”

  I let out a small sob at his confession. Happy tears roll down my face, only to be trampled on with the next words out of his mouth.

  “But I can’t.”

  He doesn’t explain further, only pulls roughly out of me. I try to curl into a ball and wait for him to leave so I can sob into my pillow.

  “I have more to give you,” he says gruffly.

  He flips me over on my stomach and pushes my knees under me, raising my ass in the air. A second later he’s ramming into me. He feels twice as big this way, and I love every single hard inch of him as he pounds into my oversensitive core.

  “Best fucking pussy I’ve ever had,” he confesses as his fingers dig roughly into my hips.

  More than pushing into me, he’s pulling me back onto his cock. I begin to tremble around him once again; the beginning of an orgasm rolling low in my belly.

  I bury my head into the pillow and scream as my second orgasm of the night blows my first out of the water. He roars his own orgasm but doesn’t stop powering into me until he’s completely spent. I’m throbbing and sore when he finally pulls out of me. A feeling I would relish if I didn’t know how this was going to end. Now, it will only serve as a reminder of where he’s been.

  I hear the condom hit the small trash can beside the bed. I can tell he’s shuffling into his clothes. At least he had the decency to get undressed this time. I lay stock still on the bed, purposely not engaging, hoping he’ll just leave.

  He leans over and kisses me on the forehead. “Thanks, Darlin’,” he says before walking out of the room. I hear the key turn the lock from the outside.

  Thanks, Darlin’.

  I resist the urge to see if he slapped money on the dresser for the good time before he walked out.

  ***

  “What are you saying?” Bri asks from the end of the bed. “He’s done this before?”

  I nod slowly. “This was the second time since I’ve been here.”

  I don’t even want to have this conversation with Shadow’s sister, but she saw the bite mark on my shoulder I didn’t realize I had. I couldn’t explain it away. She knew what happened the second she saw it.

  I forced her from the kitchen where she confronted me into the bedroom at least.

  “He was drunk last time, too,” I add shamefully.

  “Why do you let him keep doing it, Misty? You deserve better.” I can hear the motherly chastisement in her tone, and it saddens me further.

  “It’s the only time I feel like I have a part of him. That he’s more than just Griffin’s dad. I feel wanted,” I confess. “I know how the next day goes, and it breaks my heart, but when he’s here, he’s mine.”

  She shakes her head at me.

  “He said some things last night that made me believe he wanted more, but the second they came out of his mouth, he changed into a different person. He’s so angry at me, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know if it’s possible. He probably didn’t mean a damn thing he said. He was wasted.”

  She shakes her head with a small smile on her face.

  “What did he say?”

  “I’m not going into all of that with you, Bri. I’ve said more than I should already.”

  “A drunk man’s talk is a sober man’s thoughts,” she says getting up from the bed.

  “More of Granny Griggs’ advice?” I ask. She’s always spouting off about things her dad’s mom used to say to her growing up.

  “Don’t question Granny Griggs. She was the only woman I’ve ever met that understood men. God rest her beautiful soul,” she says before walking out and slamming the door a little too roughly. She’s mad, that’s plain to see, but I don’t know if it’s because I won’t give her details about last night or if she’s pissed at her brother.

  The baby startles in the crib, and I’m not given another second to worry about it.

  Chapter 28

  A slamming door echoes through my head. I groan and want to stab the inconsiderate fuck who clearly doesn’t know that the day after a party at the clubhouse is reserved for peace, calmness, and sleeping all day. I turn back over in bed, but my body hurts from sleeping in the same position for so long.

  I wince at the pain in my arm. Gripping my shoulder with the opposite hand, I rotate my arm to my side. This thing was never the same after that job in Kenya, but with two slugs and a shattered scapula, I’m glad to have any type of range of motion.

  “I’m too old for this shit,” I grumble as I make my way to the shower. I grin at the quote from the Danny Glover movie as I turn the dial to ‘burn your balls off’ hot and step in. I hate to wash the smell of Misty off my skin, not knowing when I’ll get another chance with her. I’m an asshole, and I know I’m wearing my welcome out where her pussy is concerned. I don’t know why I take a head trip after I’ve been in her.

  That’s not true. I do know. She makes me feel shit I’m not accustomed to. She makes me want to settle down and be a better man. She’s beautiful, and as far as I can see, the best mother Griffin could have ever asked for. I’m the one holding back. I’m the one being a total fucking asshole. I’m breaking her. I know I am, and I have to face that fact again today. I know I’m going to have to look into her eyes and see the pain I put there last night.

  I wasn’t anywhere near as drunk last night as I was the first time. She probably doesn’t know that, though. I wanted to stay in the bed with her, wrap my arms around her and promise her the world, but something is holding me back. The first time I took her in that room, it was the way she dressed at the bar. Last night, it was seeing just how easy it is for her to move on. Watching her spend the evening with Butch made my blood boil.

  Kincaid’s words are still loud and clear in my head. I know she’s going to move on. I know she’s going to replace whatever we may have with someone new. I know another man will be able to spend more time with my son than I could if that happens. I don’t want that, but I can’t determine if it’s because I’m a selfish bastard or if it’s because I want her in that capacity. I wish I could turn all emotions off, and then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit.

  I get out of the shower and towel off. Sliding on some pajama pants, I make my way into the bedroom. My shoulder is still burning so I head over to the bedside table looking for an Icy Hot patch. My eyes land on the baby monitor I put in there a while back.

  I roll it in my hands and sit on the edge of the bed. I debate whether or not I should turn it on. I haven’t invaded her privacy in quite a long time. I only did it in the beginning because I wanted to make sure she was the type of woman I could trust around my son. She proved that rather quickly. I know she’d sacrifice her life just as I would for that child.

  Against my better judgment, I twist the nob.

  “Such a big boy, Griffin. Daddy will be so proud. Say it again. Say da-da,” she coos at him.

  I listen as she plays with him for a while.

  I grip the monitor tighter when I hear my son’s sweet voice say ‘da-da’ for the first time. I swipe the first tear off my cheek because grown men don’t fucking cr
y over shit like this. I allow the second and the third to fall because I’m a pussy and that ‘grown men’ mess is complete bullshit.

  “You’re such a lucky baby, Griff. I love you so much,” she says softly. “I love your daddy, too. He doesn’t feel the same about me, but he loves you more than life itself. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at you. You are loved, sweet angel.”

  I hear her begin to rock slowly in the rocking chair, and I know she’s nursing him before his morning nap.

  She loves me.

  I’ve used her twice now.

  She loves me.

  I’m the biggest asshole that has ever existed on the face of the fucking earth.

  She’s never expected a relationship from me. She’s accepted everything I’ve ever done for her with grace and gratitude. She doesn’t ask for anything. She didn’t show up expecting anything but help with Griffin. She’s worked her ass off at that shitty bar to try to provide for herself and her son.

  She loves me.

  I turn the knob on the baby monitor, silencing it and letting it fall to the floor. Everyone could see it but me. Em, Kincaid, even Butch’s ass could tell that Misty is a good woman who deserves the world. I’ve let my anger cloud my eyes. I couldn’t accept that the night in Denver wasn’t some ploy to trap me. That her trip to the abortion clinic wasn't meant to get back at me for something, but a lost girl at the end of her rope.

  I flop back on the bed and cover my eyes with my forearm. Months she’s been here and never pushed me for more. Twice I’ve used her like some twenty dollar whore. And of course, I’m the asshole that realizes just how spectacular she is after I’ve probably ruined any chance of actually being with her in earnest.

  ***

  A quick knock on the door makes me jump, startling me from sleep. I’m still in pajama pants, laid back on the bed with my feet on the floor.

  I sit up, rub my eyes, and make my way to the door.

  Pulling it open, I find Misty and Griffin on the other side. She’s fresh-faced and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. She looked amazing last night in her little dress and sandals. Her makeup looked professionally done, but not overdone, but the way she looks right now is the ultimate.