Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “How did you feel, Quinn?” he murmured into her hair, his fingers brushing her back in small, feather-light strokes.

  She opened her eyes, his T-shirt clenched up in her fist, something she hadn’t even realized she was doing, until now. “He broke down. When I told him. He just crumbled, dropped to the floor and cried. He sobbed his heart out, and that shattered mine. Because I’d done that to him. I’d hurt him…”

  “He’d hurt you.”

  “Not like that. I’d kept his son’s existence from him, Aaron, and that wasn’t fair.”

  “What he did to you wasn’t fair, Quinn.”

  She let a couple of beats pass before she spoke again. “I held him, as he cried, and I have never, ever seen him like that before. I’ve never seen him so broken, and I…” She pulled back from Aaron, letting him go as she crossed her arms against herself, her gaze down on the floor, because looking at him now, it was hard. And it was only going to get harder. “I saw a different man. And maybe I should have told him, once he was out of rehab, like Harry had wanted me to. Maybe I should’ve done that. Maybe I should have given him another chance.” She slowly raised her gaze, and the pain that cut across her chest as she looked at Aaron was breathtaking. Shocking. “And spared you all of this.”

  He came closer, taking hold of her wrists and uncrossing her arms, his hands slipping back into hers. “I loved you then and I love you now, Quinn. I love you so fucking much, but this…”

  “No,” she whispered, shaking her head, her fingers clinging onto his as she stared up at him. “I can’t go back to that, Aaron, I can’t do it.”

  “But you want to.”

  “No.” She was trying so hard not to cry now, but those tears, they were putting up one hell of a fight. “Baby, no…”

  “Tonight, you were going to him. Weren’t you?”

  “Aaron, please…”

  “You were going to him, Quinn.”

  “I wanted him to have a photograph of Noah…”

  “And then what, huh? That bond, Quinn, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s real…”

  “I love you, Aaron.”

  “I know. I know you do, baby. I know you do…”

  “We can get through this, please, I just need…”

  “You need to see him, Quinn.”

  “I don’t. Aaron, I don’t…”

  “You need to see him. You need to talk to him, properly, away from the movie set, away from the cameras and the press and the constant intrusion. You need to see him. Because I don’t think you can move on until you’ve done that.” He let go of her, and she felt like someone had reached inside her chest and scooped out her heart, leaving her with a feeling of emptiness so brutal she almost cried out. “I need some time, Quinn.”

  “Time? Aaron, we’re working together, we’re on-set tomorrow, together… I don’t understand…”

  He reached out and tucked a finger under her chin, tilting her head up, kissing her slowly, a kiss so beautiful Quinn couldn’t help but fall against him. His arm snaked around her, loosening the robe she was wearing, pushing it back until it fell to the floor and the second his hand touched her skin she gasped out loud and he kissed her again, a little harder this time, the urgency growing. His fingers tucked into the sides of her panties, pushing them down as he lifted her up, sat her down on the dressing table, and all the time his mouth never left hers. Quinn felt nothing but her heart beating out of her chest and a love so overwhelming and strong that her breath struggled to escape, but that was OK, because with every kiss he gave her he was breathing into her, and she was taking it all.

  He took hold of her ankles and lifted her legs, spreading them wide, and as he pushed into her she threw back her head, a moan so long and low seeping out of her as his lips brushed the base of her throat, his fingers grazing her nipples.

  She closed her eyes, wrapped her legs around him, leaning back as he thrust into her, his movements both harsh and gentle, and she kept her eyes closed as he moved inside her; as he came, inside her, wave after wave of long, heavy spasms. And as he came she bucked her hips and angled her body so he fell deeper into her, his hands clinging onto her hips and thighs and she clasped him tight, her muscles refusing to loosen their vice-like grip until he was done; empty.

  “I need time, Quinn,” he breathed, his head down as he tried to catch his breath, his fingers still clinging onto her hips. And then he pulled out of her, so quickly it almost took her breath away, and she snapped her legs shut, sliding down from the dressing-table, grabbing her robe from the floor and wrapping it back around herself. And she said nothing. What was she supposed to say? Instead she walked over to her box of memories and closed the lid. And wondered whether she should ever have opened it.

  Sixteen

  Lukas handed her a glass of brandy and she took it, swallowing down a small sip. And he watched as she closed her eyes and breathed in deep and he wished with all of his heart that things were different; that he’d been different.

  “I want you to have this,” she whispered. He sat down beside her as she took a photograph from her purse and offered it to him. “Noah.”

  Lukas took the photograph and stared down at it, and if he’d thought he’d felt pain just hearing her tell him about their baby, he hadn’t really felt anything compared to this; compared to what he was experiencing as he looked at their baby boy.

  “He was so tiny, so little I could cradle him in one hand. But he was beautiful.”

  Lukas reached out and took her hand, the feel of her fingers wrapping around his comforting and necessary. “If I hadn’t been such a…”

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  He looked at her, and the pain on her face was nothing short of heartbreaking.

  “It wasn’t, Lukas. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

  He felt tears start to stream down his face, and she reached out and brushed them away before leaning in to kiss his damp cheek, and he squeezed her hand even tighter.

  “We were so fucking stupid, Quinn.”

  “I know. I know we were. The things we did – the mistakes we made, they were… they hurt people.”

  “And we’re hurting people now.”

  “I’ve told him, Lukas. I’ve told Aaron, about Noah. He needed to know, because this – this is so messed up. And I don’t know what to do anymore.”

  Lukas laid the picture of Noah down on the coffee table and stood up, walking over to the window, although it was dark out now. It was late. All he could really see were the lights of the other houses dotted around the canal, but this place, it was somewhere that had always been a calming place to him. That’s why he refused to let go of this house. He’d had it for a long time. It was his haven, his escape. He very rarely let anyone else in here. Dawn didn’t even know it existed, but Quinn – she was a part of its history. This was where they’d spent a lot of time, back then.

  “Is he OK? Aaron, I mean. Is he OK?”

  He closed his eyes as he felt her lightly touch his hip and he reached behind him and took her hand, bringing it to his mouth, kissing it gently.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what he’s feeling, I don’t know what I’m feeling, I just… I don’t know, Lukas.”

  She let go of him and he turned around as she stepped back.

  “Maybe I should go. It wasn’t a good idea, me coming here, but I wanted you to have something, of Noah’s.”

  “Quinn…”

  “The things you said to me, Lukas, I really wish…” She dropped her gaze, and all he wanted her to do was look up, look at him. “I really wish you hadn’t said them.”

  “I meant them.”

  “That doesn’t make it right. I didn’t marry Aaron to get over you…”

  “Didn’t you?”

  This time she did look at him, her eyes burning into his and he just wanted to pull her into his arms and never let her go.

  “I’m not going to lie anymore, Quinn.”

  “Even if it stops the hurt from growing?”<
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  “I can’t do it, baby. I can’t. I can’t do it.”

  She looked exhausted, her face worn and tired and yet, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. The most beautiful woman he’d ever lost.

  “I love you, Quinn. I never stopped loving you, and I need you to know that.”

  “I know it, Lukas. Now I need you to stop saying it. Because saying it, constantly, isn’t going to make me…”

  “Make you what, Quinn? Come back to me? Love me back?”

  “I’m not doing this…”

  She turned away and grabbed her jacket from the arm of the chair she’d flung it over not half an hour ago, when she’d arrived at the Venice home they’d once shared. And now she was leaving, and Lukas couldn’t have that. He needed her to stay. “Quinn, please…”

  “I have to go, Lukas. I can’t be here. There’re too many memories, too much…” She stopped and bowed her head, and Lukas watched as her fingers tightened around her jacket, bunching the material up in her fist. “There’s too much of the past, here. Too much of you.”

  “Too much of us?”

  She slowly turned back around, her eyes full of sadness and pain and he wondered if he was to blame for all of that. Should he really just have left her alone? Because she’d been happy, without him. She’d been happy with Aaron and that new life she’d carved out for herself. Without him. But he wanted – needed – to be a part of her life again. He needed her. Because he was slowly dying without her.

  “Too much of us,” she whispered, throwing her jacket back down on the chair. And Lukas kept his eyes on her as she walked over to him, the expression on her face something he couldn’t read, in fact, he wasn’t sure what was happening now. He just knew that his heart was racing, his skin prickling the closer she got to him. And then she was right there, in front of him, all beautiful and messed up, because of him. “Do you want to sleep with me, Lukas?” She ran her fingers lightly over his rough jaw line, her eyes searching his face, and he felt a hundred different kinds of confusion swirling around inside his head now, his stomach a knot of nerves and excitement. “Hmm? Is that what you want? To be inside me again?”

  “Jesus, Quinn, you know that’s what I want.”

  She slid her fingers into his hair, pulling him down until his mouth was on hers, and the kiss she gave him – it was long and deep and it had his cock hard in a heartbeat. But her behavior was confusing. Even though this was everything he wanted, he needed to be sure she knew what she was doing. She was sad and tired and vulnerable right now so, he needed to be sure.

  He took hold of her wrist and pushed her back from him, his eyes burning into hers. “What do you want, Quinn?”

  She tilted her head slightly, but she didn’t break the stare. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, because you walked back into my life and I…” She dropped her gaze and he heard her breathe in deep, then sigh as though the weight of the world was on her beautiful shoulders. And then she raised her gaze and her eyes were back on his, but there was a coldness in them now; an edge. “I brought you back. I chose to do this. It’s all on me.”

  “You were always gonna come, Quinn.”

  “I know.”

  “So don’t fight it.”

  “I’m married now. To a wonderful man who loves me.”

  “I love you.”

  “But we’re not married anymore. You killed our marriage, you threw it away like it didn’t matter...”

  He grabbed her waist and yanked her forward again, pulling her back against him and she put up no struggle. She didn’t move, didn’t even attempt to. “I’m here now, and I’m ready to fight for everything I lost, because I am nothing without you, Quinn. Nothing.”

  “It’s an emotional time, Lukas. Finding out about Noah, all the crap I…”

  “I knew, before then. Before all of that, I knew I needed to fight for you. For us.”

  “I’m married.”

  “And I don’t care, Quinn. I don’t, I can’t. I just need you back, baby. I need you back.”

  “You were always going to come for me, weren’t you?” she said quietly, and her fingers once more brushed over his skin as his heart resumed its attempt to beat out of his chest.

  “Always,” he whispered, his mouth almost touching hers, and then she pressed her palm against his cheek and pulled him down and she was kissing him, again, her lips soft and warm as they moved against his. “Always, baby…”

  It was wrong, and she knew that, she wasn’t completely out of it. This, it was wrong, but she was confused and tired and way too emotional and – Jesus! She was seriously going to use that as an excuse? For what she was doing?

  “No, Lukas. No. We can’t…”

  “We can.” His grip on her waist tightened, and she looked up into his eyes and all she could see was him, them; this place and the memories it contained. Images that flooded her brain, brutally pushing everything else that dared to threaten an appearance aside, blanking them out. All she could see was a darkness descending over a life she’d loved. A lie she’d lived? Had she really just been treading water until this, until now; until Lukas Drake had reappeared? Until she’d let him back in. “We are.”

  She closed her eyes as his mouth once more bore down on hers, his hand pressing firmly onto the small of her back, pushing her against him, and she could feel his erection digging into her thigh. She could feel it, and she wanted it. Jesus Christ, she wanted him.

  “Lukas…”

  “Don’t fight it, Quinn,” he murmured, his mouth still touching hers. “Just let it happen.”

  “I’m so tired, Lukas…”

  “You’re going to sleep in my arms tonight. OK? Like you used to do, remember? I’d hold you, and you’d fall asleep with your head on my chest and I made a million promises to look after you.”

  “And you broke them all.”

  “Then let me fix them.”

  “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

  “It was always you and me, Quinn. Always.”

  She knew what was happening, she knew what he was doing and she was so close to the edge now. So close; too close to take a step back? To save herself? To save her marriage?

  “Don’t think about anything, Quinn. Don’t – don’t think, about anything. Don’t let them in, don’t give in to those voices telling you we’re wrong. Don’t, baby. Remember that bubble we lived in? Here? In this house? This place was our escape. Our hideaway home. Remember how good that felt? How much in love we were?”

  He was casting his spell, weaving his web around her, and she could feel herself falling, feel herself drowning under the weight of his words because she still loved this man. She still loved him. She’d never really stopped.

  “We always said this would be our special place, remember?”

  “I need to go.” So why wasn’t she pulling away? Why wasn’t she backing up those words with actions? Why was she still in his arms, when she knew this was wrong?

  He shook his head, and she gasped quietly as he slid a hand up under her T- shirt, touching her skin, and that one, simple touch was all it took. “Stay with me, Quinn.”

  “Lukas, I… I can’t do this.”

  His mouth touched hers, and he kissed her slowly, his hand moving up her back, his fingers lightly tracing the outline of her spine and she knew she was trapped now. His web was complete. He had her. He’d won.

  “I can’t do this…”

  He took hold of her wrists and raised her arms, pulling off her T-shirt.

  “Lukas…”

  Is this what she called a fight? This, was a fight? She wasn’t fighting, she wasn’t even pretending anymore. She was in self-destruct mode now, tunnel-vision had set in and all she could see was this man, and a need to be with him again that was so real and so strong she couldn’t get past it. She couldn’t. Because she didn’t want to?

  “Come to bed, Quinn,” he murmured, his mouth once more almost touching hers, his hand resting on the curve of her waist and
she was gone. She was lost. “Come to bed.”

  She stared into his eyes as his hand slipped into hers, and he had his answer. She was going nowhere. Not tonight.

  ***

  The bedroom was just how she remembered it – light-gray walls, dark floorboards, and a huge, over-sized bed in the corner. Their bed. And beside it on the nightstand, on his side of the bed, there was a photograph of them together, one she remembered being taken, the day after their wedding day. They’d been out in Santa Monica, just walking along the pier, holding hands, like any other young couple in love. She remembered it like it was yesterday. She remembered how happy they’d been, despite the fact they hadn’t really been able to grab five minutes alone due to being followed by paparazzi or stopped everywhere they went by well-meaning fans just wanting to say hello. They were both smiling in that photograph, which had actually been taken by one of those fans. They were both smiling, both completely unaware of the crap that was about to hit them, and for a brief second clarity almost won over and Quinn let go of Lukas’s hand, stepping back from him. For a brief second she remembered all the crap, all the heartache; the nights she’d cried herself to sleep over this man. She remembered it all. But then he looked at her, this older, more settled version of that man. And as he took her hand back in his all those bad memories were swept away. As he pulled her close and kissed her gently she forgot all the pain because she was aching for the pleasure.

  “I need you naked,” he murmured, and she reached around and unfastened the clasp on her bra, letting it fall to the floor, his eyes dropping, his gaze lighting a fire inside her she knew she’d never be able to put out until he took her fully.

  “That works both ways,” she whispered as she loosened his shirt, pushing it back off his shoulders, pressing her breasts against his naked chest, an action that caused an involuntary shiver. He was warm, his body hard and toned because she knew he’d gotten into shape for this movie. And his heart, she could feel it beating so fast against her, the intensity in the room, it was verging on suffocating.