Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  “You really think that?”

  The corner of his mouth turned up in a slight smirk, and she laughed, her eyes still locked on his.

  “Think again. I want you to go, now.”

  She’d had enough, this was bullshit. All of it. He’d been selfish then and he was still being selfish now, couldn’t he see that?

  “Let go of me, Lukas.”

  “I need you to listen to me.”

  She shook her head, her body stiffening as his grip on her tightened just a little. “And I need you to let go of me.”

  She stared him down, her expression not giving him anything, nothing he wanted, anyway. But it worked, because all of a sudden his grip on her loosened and he dropped his head, sighing heavily.

  “Can’t we just talk, Quinn?”

  She stepped away from him and went over to the table in the corner of the room, she needed a drink. “You said you wanted to be friends, Lukas. Not half an hour ago, downstairs in the bar, you said, why can’t we just be friends. And yet now you’re here, doing this? And you say you’ve changed, huh?” She shook her head, taking a sip of brandy. “I almost believed you had, too.”

  “I wasn’t bullshitting you when I said I’d changed. It’s just that, all of this, it’s making me crazy, and I can’t deal with it…”

  She looked at him, her expression hard. Cold. Determined. “Then learn. Because you and me, we aren’t doing this. I love my husband, not you. I love Aaron. Not you.”

  She turned away and walked over to the window, looking out into the dark New York night.

  “You never had a family, with Aaron. Why was that, Quinn?”

  She felt her skin prickle at that question, but she refused to be drawn into this, she could see what he was doing. Or what he was trying to do. So she stayed silent, taking another sip of brandy as she focused on the Chrysler building a little way off in the distance.

  “Didn’t he want kids?”

  She briefly closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she turned back around. “I didn’t want kids, Lukas. Me and Aaron, we never really talked about it. Because I didn’t want to. And you know why. You know. Now. So don’t make me explain or tell you my reasons because that really would be selfish.”

  He walked over to her, and she didn’t stop him, she was too exhausted.

  “Do you want me to go, Quinn?”

  She looked at him, right at him, right into those startling blue eyes and she felt nothing. She’d trained herself, to feel nothing, because she knew what he was doing; using emotions to blindside her, to knock her off course so that he could reach out and pull her back where he needed her to be.

  “Yes,” she whispered. “I want you to go.”

  “OK…” He stopped a little way in front of her, and he dropped his head for the briefest of seconds before he raised his gaze and their eyes locked once more. “Goodnight, Quinn.”

  She stayed rooted to the spot as he backed away, their eyes still locked, and she could feel her heart beating hard and fast, but she also felt relief. That he was going. And she turned back to face the window, staring outside again, thinking how detached she felt up here, away from everything. How alone she felt, despite being surrounded by so many people. Yeah. She felt alone.

  She heard the door close out in the small lobby of her suite, and she threw back her head and let that relief flood out of her in a long, deep sigh. She couldn’t have him here, not this close, not just the two of them. That was such an unwise thing to do, given the circumstances. They needed to be apart when nobody else was around.

  “Where are you, Aaron?” she whispered to herself, her fingers tightening around the brandy glass. And then she felt a hand take that glass from her, setting it down on the table; felt warm breath on the back of her neck as fingers gently pushed her hair to one side. But she knew it wasn’t Aaron, and the sudden flash of anger that crashed through her body was raw and real and she tried to swing around and push him away, but he was too fast, too strong for her to succeed. Instead he gripped her hand tight and pushed her back against the wall, his other hand already up under her dress, tugging at her panties. And the second his fingers touched her skin she felt that anger swell up ten-fold, and she raised a knee that connected with his balls in a heartbeat, knocking him backwards, far enough for her to get out of his way.

  “This is how you want it to be, huh? I say no, I tell you to leave, I make it all too fucking obvious that I don’t want you anymore and you think you can just take it?”

  “I’m sorry, Quinn… Baby, I am so sorry, I never meant…”

  “I asked you to leave, Lukas. Can you do that this time?”

  She went back over to the table and poured another brandy, downing it in one mouthful before immediately refilling her glass.

  “Look at me, Quinn. Please.”

  “I’m tired of asking you to leave, Lukas. I’m so bloody tired…”

  “Please. Just look at me.”

  She raised her gaze and their eyes locked again, and then he took a couple of steps forward and she flinched slightly, and he held up his hands as a sign of surrender, he wasn’t going to hurt her. And she knew that, deep down inside. She knew he’d never hurt her, like that.

  “I didn’t mean for that to happen, Quinn, I promise you. It was never my intention to hurt you or scare you or make you think… I’m not that man anymore.”

  “But you were, Lukas. For a few seconds there you became him again, I saw it in your eyes.”

  “I just want to talk.”

  “About what? What’s left to say? I love Aaron, and I am not going to put what we have left – what we might have left – in jeopardy by being seen with you; by people reading into it something that doesn’t exist. Because that’s all it’s going to take. One person just needs to see us together, alone, and everything is ruined.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She shook her head, but her eyes stayed on his. “It doesn’t mean anything. Not anymore.” She put her glass down, her eyes lingering on the table for a couple of beats before she looked back up, her whole demeanor changing in the blink of an eye. “You know what? I don’t care what you do. But whatever mess you cause, Lukas, you clear it up. I’m going to take that bath now.”

  She headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and flicking the lock.

  She was alone.

  Tonight, that was how she wanted it.

  ***

  Lukas sat down on the edge of the couch and dropped his head, raking his hands back through his hair. What the hell was he doing? It was like something had snapped inside of him for the briefest of seconds, turning him into someone he didn’t want to be, because she was right. He’d allowed himself to become that man again, the one who’d hurt her. Controlled her. The one who would put her through hell and then disappear for days before returning to do it all over again. Press play and repeat, it had been his default. But having her back in his life again, he really hadn’t been ready for what he’d been faced with. What he’d done just now, though, that was unacceptable. That was wrong, on so many levels, and if there had been any chance of pulling her back into his life, he’d all but killed that dead now.

  He got up and walked over to the tray of drinks, pouring himself a large measure of Scotch, his hand trembling as he looked at it. He hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since he’d left rehab. Was he really going to throw all that hard work away because he felt sorry for himself? He carefully poured the Scotch back into the bottle and sighed heavily as he stared out of the window. He’d lost her, and he was just going to have to accept that. He’d lost her a long time ago. Maybe he needed to accept that first.

  “Lukas?”

  He swung around to see her standing there, wrapped in a thick white robe, her long hair damp around her shoulders, her face devoid of make-up. She looked younger. Almost as young as she’d been when she’d walked out on him, all those years ago, pregnant and tired and hating him. Loving him. Wanting him. And he just hadn’t seen tha
t.

  “I’m so sorry, Quinn. What happened just now…”

  She shook her head, pulling the robe tighter around herself. “Don’t ever touch me – don’t ever touch anyone like that again.”

  He dropped his gaze, too ashamed to look at her, too angry with himself for turning this into something it hadn’t needed to be.

  “I didn’t want children with Aaron because he wasn’t you.”

  Lukas slowly raised his head until his eyes met hers, but he was confused.

  “I love him, you need to know that, and you need to get that. I love Aaron. That man is my world, but having kids with him, after Noah…” It was her turn to drop her gaze and Lukas felt his heart shudder as he watched her shoulders sag. “Aaron wasn’t you… I love him, he saved me, but I didn’t want his baby. Because I’d lost yours.” She lifted her head, her eyes once more meeting his. “And I don’t know how much sense that makes, I just know it makes sense to me.”

  “Jesus, Quinn, what kind of fucking mess did we make?”

  “It’s still a mess, Lukas. I’m just kidding myself trying to pretend it isn’t. If it wasn’t a mess then I’d still be living with my husband but instead we’re living almost thirty miles apart. And I don’t want that. I don’t want any of this.”

  He looked at her, neither of them saying anything, and he didn’t know what to do, whether to go to her, comfort her, hold her like a friend would hold someone who needs them, or whether touching her at all would be another mistake. He was confused, and tiredness was starting to seep into his veins, dragging him down.

  “Do you want me to go, Quinn?”

  ***

  She kept her eyes on him, her head a messed up mass of confusion, and she knew that exhaustion wasn’t helping her think rationally; she knew Harry would freak if he even suspected Lukas was anywhere near her suite. But, no. She didn’t want him to go. Not anymore.

  She shook her head, but Lukas didn’t move, not at first. Was he too wary, too nervous about what he’d done before; too afraid of touching her in case she felt that fear again?

  He slid his hands into his pockets, but he remained where he was. He didn’t move, but the silent messages passing between them this time were stronger, the confusion was waning slightly but not disappearing completely. She was too tired for that to happen. So tired that mistakes could be made and regrets start to form, she knew that. She knew it. And he really should leave, now.

  He moved a little closer, just close enough for him to reach out and gently touch her cheek, he was testing the water. And she flinched only slightly, but all of a sudden she realized she didn’t want to be alone.

  “You should go,” she whispered, but what she was saying and what she was feeling were two completely different things. And when he smiled slightly; when he took another step closer, backing her up against the wall, she knew everything she was feeling he was feeling, too.

  “If you really want that, I’ll leave.”

  She searched his face for the kind of help she knew she wasn’t going to get. And this time when his fingers lightly grazed her skin she didn’t flinch. “This means nothing, Lukas. I just don’t want to be alone, that’s all.”

  And that was true, she didn’t, want to be alone. But she also knew that she could’ve called Harry or Jodi, either one of them would’ve happily stayed with her tonight. She didn’t need to do this, to risk everything. She was just too fucking weak to let it go. To let him go?

  “You don’t have to be alone,” he murmured, leaning in to her, his mouth almost touching hers as he spoke, his breath falling into her, and she took it. She breathed him in because this really didn’t mean anything. But she was taking it, because she was scared and confused and maybe he was controlling her, just like he’d always done. Like he always would do?

  But the second his mouth touched hers she forgot everything. She pushed all those thoughts, all those doubts, all those things she knew were going to happen if she did this – she pushed them all aside.

  “Are you sure, Quinn?” he whispered, cupping her cheek, keeping his eyes locked on hers. “Because if you aren’t…”

  She reached down and untied her robe, and he dropped his gaze as it fell open, placing a hand lightly on her hip, his thumb stroking her skin as he raised his gaze upwards. She needed him to take her now, to love her one last time because this – this was a goodbye fuck, the last time they’d touch each other like this, she’d already decided that. As a way of making this seem all right? Was that really going to be her excuse?

  But as his hand dropped and slid between her legs, pressing against her, sinking into her, she’d ceased to care about reasons, about separating right from wrong, she just wanted to feel him touch her in the most private of places, in the most intimate of ways. And he got that, he sensed that, and his fingers slid between hers as he pushed into her, taking her slowly, his thrusts deep but gentle, and she felt tears prick at her eyes as he moved inside her, his fingers tightening around hers as he stared deep into her soul. She didn’t even know what she was feeling anymore, she just knew that she wanted this; wanted him. One last time. And she was going to hate herself in the morning. She knew that, too…

  ***

  The intensity between them was like a violent kick to the solar plexus; a harsh and painful reality that was going kill him once this was over; when the truth would finally hit him, and he’d realize she was never going to be his again, but just being with her, like this, one final time – he needed this. They both did. They needed to feel the hurt, one last time, to know that they’d tried, but it was never going to be. History really couldn’t repeat itself this time. Or was that exactly what was happening here…?

  Twenty-Seven

  She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them to her, watching him sleep. It was only when her phone sounded an alert that she broke her gaze and looked down at the text Harry had just sent. He wondered where she was, why she wasn’t down for breakfast. She sent him a quick text back saying she’d be down in a little while, she’d just overslept. The last thing she needed was him coming up to her suite.

  Throwing her phone back down on the table she pulled herself up out of her seat and headed into the bathroom. She needed to get ready. Today she had to face the world with her Hollywood mask fixed firmly in place as she spent the day with her estranged husband, and her ex-husband – her two co-stars in a movie she’d only just begun to realize mirrored their real lives far more than they’d ever even stopped to comprehend. But she knew that’s what everyone was going to pick up on. That’s what everyone was going to ask them. It’s what everyone would want to talk about. She was just determined to make the ending of this real-life movie different to the one that played out up there on the screen.

  “Hey. You OK?”

  She turned to see Lukas standing in the doorway, wearing only his jeans and a nervous smile. He knew as well as she did what could happen if anyone found out they’d spent the night together. And she just wished she could stop her stomach from turning, she had a bad feeling sitting there in her gut, it wasn’t going anywhere. “I’m fine.”

  “You sure?”

  She looked in the mirror, studying her reflection, glad that her hair and make-up team would be taking over soon. Could they rid her of the guilt? Could they make sure that didn’t show up under the lights and the glare of expectant publicity? “You need to go. Harry’s already wondering where I am.”

  “Quinn…”

  “We both know what last night was, Lukas.”

  “It wasn’t a mistake.”

  She turned her head to look at him, her eyes boring deep into his. “I didn’t say it was.”

  “Then what was it?”

  “It was nothing.”

  She pushed past him, back out into the bedroom where she proceeded to pull on jeans, a T-shirt and knee-high boots. Even at breakfast she had to project some kind of image. It wasn’t just the paparazzi she had to be aware of now, anyone could take her picture at any giv
en time, whether she knew about it or not. So she had to be ready the second she stepped out of her room.

  “Here. Put this on, and go.”

  She threw Lukas his T-shirt. “We need to make sure the coast is clear first,” he said, pulling his shirt down over his head. “I know my suite’s only across the hall, but…”

  “I’m going down to breakfast. You make sure nobody sees you leave.”

  “Quinn, hang on. Just wait a second.”

  She stopped and turned back around, but she did nothing to hide the fact she just wanted to get away.

  “What’s with the ice queen act?”

  It was a barrier, and he knew that, so she had no idea why he was asking her that question. “We need to start acting like director and co-star now, Lukas. We need to start acting like we’re nothing but friends, because if we don’t… I’ll see you downstairs.”

  “Quinn!” His tone was a little harsher now, a slight panic tingeing it just a little.

  “What?”

  “It doesn’t suit you. This cold edge.”

  She raised her eyebrows, unable to stop herself from laughing, but it was a laugh that contained no humor. “You just haven’t seen it before, Lukas. This cold edge, it was a permanent thing, back then.” Because it had been the only way she could keep him at bay, stop the pain from becoming too much.

  “I really did that to you, huh?”

  “We did it to each other.”

  “Last night, it meant something, Quinn. I know you wanted it to mean nothing, and so did I, because… But it meant something.”

  She just looked at him, but she didn’t respond, she didn’t react. She didn’t need to.

  ***

  Harry looked up as Quinn slid down into the booth opposite him and immediately ordered wholemeal toast and poached eggs with a pot of tea. And he couldn’t help smiling at her insistence, even after all these years, of more often than not having tea at breakfast. It was her thing, and she wasn’t letting go of it.