Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  That was when the schedule was changed slightly, just to try and ease the pressure a little, sending Lukas out to do a few things on his own, which left Quinn and Aaron to carry out a lot of the promotion together, as a couple. So those days when the questions became too much, when the days were just a little too long, all it took was for Aaron to squeeze Quinn’s hand and smile at her and she was fine. She was good. She had her husband by her side, and all they had to do was make the world believe that they were strong again. They were back as husband and wife, after a turbulent time, but this movie, it may have torn them apart, but it had also brought them back together. And both she and Aaron knew the press office, Harry – they were all spinning this shit to create the perfect story; the perfect love story. And it was working. Quinn Baxter and Aaron Rogers. The beautiful Hollywood couple who overcame lies, betrayal and tragic secrets to find each other again. And now they were about to renew their wedding vows on the small patch of private beach below their Malibu home. And once again the world would be watching.

  “I know this isn’t what you wanted this time around, Quinn. But you understand it’s for the best. Ever since you and Aaron announced you were back together, then let it be known that you were, to all intents and purposes, getting married again, things have gotten easier.”

  “You think?”

  “Slightly easier.”

  Quinn threw Harry a smile and turned back to face the mirror. She’d chosen a simple, white, bandeau dress, something not all that far away from her original wedding dress, just a little shorter this time, the skirt maybe a little more flowing, and there was no veil, she wasn’t even wearing shoes. Her hair was piled up on top of her head, and she was going barefoot in the sand to make those vows to her husband. Vows they’d written themselves. Vows she intended to keep this time.

  “Maybe you’re right, Harry. Sometimes it does feel like the mess is easing. Just a little.”

  “That’s what happens when you listen to me, kiddo.”

  She threw him another smile and walked over to him, kissing him quickly on the cheek. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For absolutely everything.”

  He laughed, and for the first time in a long time Quinn felt like things really might be calming down. She had Aaron back by her side, which meant that talking about everything didn’t feel quite so bad if he was next to her. They were getting there, getting back to where they belonged. They could do this.

  “You look good, by the way,” Harry said, jerking his champagne flute toward Quinn.

  “Don’t gush too much, Harry. You’ll embarrass me.”

  “You gonna try and keep hold of him this time?”

  Quinn walked over to the open French doors that led out from her and Aaron’s bedroom on to a wide tiled upper terrace that overlooked the ocean and the beach below. All the guests were starting to gather down there now, enjoying drinks, chatting away as they waited for her and Aaron to arrive. “I’m going to try my very best.” She turned around and looked at Harry. “I should’ve listened to you a lot earlier.”

  Harry just raised an eyebrow, throwing her an ‘I told you so’ look, which was less than she really deserved.

  “I handled it badly.”

  “That’s what he does to you, Quinn. Every time.”

  “I know.” She dropped her gaze, just for a second. “I won’t be that weak again, Harry. I promise you that.”

  “It isn’t me you need to make that promise to, sweetheart.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I know that, too.”

  “The day you married Aaron was the day I finally thought you’d found that happiness you deserved, so, let’s try that again. All right?”

  She smiled, walking back over to him and hugging him tight, his arms falling around her as he held her close. “I love you, Harry.”

  “I love you more, you English pain in the ass.”

  She gently pushed him away, but she was still smiling. “I look OK then, huh?”

  “Well, you never really did do it for me, but, yeah. You look OK.”

  “She looks better than OK.”

  Quinn spun around to see Aaron standing in the doorway, tall and handsome in a pale gray suit and open-necked shirt, his dark blonde hair pushed back off his bearded face. And her stomach dipped for all the right reasons.

  “Can we have a minute, Harry?”

  “You can have ten. But that’s it. After that we need you outside. The world’s watching, remember?”

  Harry left them to it, and Quinn felt her stomach flip over again as Aaron came closer, a slight smirk on his face. “They’re not watching us here, though. Are they?”

  She smiled too, sliding her hand around the back of his neck as his mouth lowered down onto hers, his hand on the small of her back pressing her against him.

  “You look amazing, but lose the dress,” he murmured, his fingers already playing with her zipper. And she gasped quietly as he slowly pulled it down; as she felt the dress slide to the floor.

  He picked her up, her legs wrapping around his hips as he pushed her back against the wall, kissing her deep, fucking her gently. She loved this man more than life itself, she knew that now. And whatever they had to do to prove to the world that they were strong together, she’d do it. She’d do anything to keep him with her. He’d saved her once. He’d saved her again. But she wouldn’t need saving anymore…

  ***

  Harry washed down another pill with a mouthful of whiskey and watched as the finishing touches were put in place on this small, private section of the beach. It wasn’t going to be a big ceremony, but in terms of publicity it was very much a scaled down version of their original wedding. The press were more than welcome to report on it, invited paparazzi were already here, just waiting to take those all important photos, and a good handful of A-list stars were arriving to watch this Hollywood couple make a statement to the world, a declaration of their love for each other, despite everything that had happened. Despite Lukas Drake – one man who wasn’t here today, Harry had seen to that.

  It was a beautiful evening in Malibu. The sun was close to setting, everything was perfect, Harry actually felt himself start to relax and, Jesus, that wasn’t something he felt like he’d done in a long time. And he liked the feeling. He could only hope that he was given a chance to get used to it.

  He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out, looking down at the caller ID. Carter Conway. For a brief second his stomach sank, but then he remembered he’d asked Carter to make sure Lukas Drake stayed away from Aaron and Quinn’s Malibu home while this wedding took place, and he let himself relax again. No. Nothing was wrong. This was nothing but a call to let him know everything was fine, after all, he’d asked Carter to check in with him, so, that was all he was doing. Yeah. He really had to stop being so on edge, expecting the worst all the time.

  “Carter. Everything OK?”

  He listened as Carter spoke. He listened, and that brief moment of relaxation he’d allowed himself just then, that was done now. That was over. No, he definitely wasn’t going to get a chance to get used to it.

  “You dealing with it…? Good. Keep me updated.”

  Harry ended the call and strode back inside, just as Quinn and Aaron arrived downstairs, hand in hand. All ready for their very public appearance. But Quinn, she wasn’t stupid. She knew Harry too well, she could tell when something wasn’t quite right. This was just one time when Harry wished she wasn’t quite so astute.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked, and Harry wished the timing had been better on this one, that he didn’t have to deal with this right now, but they had very little choice. He wished he didn’t have to keep it from her, but he had to try. He had to try and keep it from everyone. From those that didn’t need to know, anyway. And right now, Quinn didn’t need to know. “Harry?”

  “Nothing. There’s nothing’s wrong, Quinn, there’s just something I need to deal with, that’s all. I won’t be long.”

&
nbsp; He tried to make his getaway but Quinn was having none of it. “What’s happened, Harry? And you tell me it’s nothing again, and I swear, I will walk out of here.”

  Harry sighed, throwing back his head as he walked over to her and Aaron. His choices were becoming very limited here, but if he told her what had happened…

  “I didn’t want to tell you this because we’re dealing with it…”

  “Dealing with what?”

  He took a deep breath and looked at her. He couldn’t lie to her, he couldn’t do that. “It’s Lukas. He’s tried to… He’s overdosed, Quinn. Uppers, alcohol, I’m not sure exactly, but he’s fallen off that wagon…”

  “Is he…?”

  Harry watched as her fingers curled tight around Aaron’s, but her eyes were firmly fixed on his as he raised his gaze. And he shook his head. “No. He didn’t manage to finish the job, we don’t even know if he actually intended to kill himself, but he’s not in a good way. And that’s as much as I know right now.”

  “Who found him? I mean…”

  “Carter.”

  “Carter?”

  “I needed him to make sure Lukas didn’t come here tonight, Quinn. I didn’t want anything to go wrong…”

  “Jesus, Harry…”

  “Carter’s got this, OK? He’s getting Lukas to a doctor he uses in the Colony, and believe me, nobody will know he’s there. I promise. We’re gonna try and keep this as quiet as we possibly can...”

  “I need to see him.”

  “No, Quinn, you don’t. What you need to do is carry on as though none of this is happening, you need to get out there and…”

  “She needs to see him,” Aaron said.

  Harry looked at him, frowning slightly. “No, Aaron, she doesn’t. She needs to stay here and get this job done.”

  “This isn’t a ‘job’, for Christ’s sake. This is our life, this is real, and this shit is happening. She needs to see him, OK?”

  “And what the hell are we supposed to do about this, huh?”

  “I don’t know, Harry. You keep telling us there are people employed to sort this crap out so, let them worry about it.”

  Harry looked at Quinn, her hand still firmly in Aaron’s. They were showing one hell of a united front right now, but if Quinn went to see Lukas; if this vow renewal didn’t happen, what the hell was he supposed to tell people?

  “I’m going to get changed,” Quinn said, letting go of Aaron and running back upstairs.

  “You’re happy about this, are you?” Harry asked Aaron as he slid out his phone and found Carter’s number on speed dial.

  “She’s gonna go whether either of us are happy about it or not. I just figured you’d rather have this situation controlled, that’s all. Because if she just goes running off…”

  Aaron didn’t have to finish that sentence, Harry got the message. “I’m calling Carter. He’ll know what to do, he can send someone over to deal with this. I’d better go find someone from the studio, they’ll need to know what’s happened, too… You sure you’re OK with her going to see him?”

  Aaron shrugged, walking over to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. “Like I said, she’s gonna go anyway. I’d just rather be there with her. We can do this another time, right?”

  “Yeah. I guess we’ll have to… Carter…? I need you to send one of your guys down here to Broad Beach… Yeah. Quinn knows… We’re on our way…”

  ***

  “What the fuck is he playing at?” Quinn paced the hallway outside Lukas’s room, arms crossed against herself, her wedding dress now replaced by jeans, shirt and sneakers. “Everything he went through to get clean, and he does this!”

  “You’re not doing yourself any good stressing out like this, Quinn.”

  She looked at Aaron, and she tried to summon up a small smile. “I know. I’m sorry.” This wasn’t his fault, and she was glad he was here. She’d wanted him here. She’d wanted to marry him, again, she’d really wanted that to happen, but she couldn’t leave Lukas like this. She couldn’t not see him. She couldn’t do that. “What is this place anyway? Some kind of secret hospital?”

  “Carter’s brought a few high-profile celebrities here, apparently. When they haven’t wanted their medical issues or their addictions made public so, yeah, I suppose it’s a kind of secret hospital.”

  “But people are going to find out, aren’t they? Because we didn’t go ahead with the vow renewal. And whatever reasons they gave for us canceling it like that; however they spin it, Aaron, the truth is going to come out.”

  “Yeah. It probably is, in time. I don’t know, Quinn. This whole fucked up life we live is beyond crazy sometimes.”

  Quinn spun around suddenly as Harry came out of Lukas’s room, his expression weary, but there was a hint of relief there, too, Quinn could see that.

  “Is he all right?”

  Harry nodded, and Quinn felt her whole body sag with relief. “Oh, thank God. Can I see him?”

  “Yeah. He’s asking for you.”

  “Why did he do it, Harry?”

  “Just go talk to him, Quinn.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Aaron asked.

  Quinn shook her head. “No, I’ll be fine.” She walked over to him and kissed him quickly, brushing down the collar of his shirt, letting her fingers linger on his chest for a few seconds. “I’ll see you in a little while, OK?”

  “OK.”

  She left Aaron and Harry outside and pushed open the door to Lukas’s room, her heart beating hard and fast, her stomach nothing but a mass of knots. He was sitting up, which had to be a good sign, but he looked terrible. He looked pale. Tired. He was hooked up to a drip, a machine by his bed bleeping away in the background, and she tried to batter down the sick feeling in her gut.

  “You’d do anything to stop me from marrying him again, huh?”

  Flippancy seemed like the only way to deal with something that scared her way more than she cared to admit.

  “I had to do something.” He threw her a small smile, and Quinn returned it, sitting down on the edge of the bed. And for a few seconds neither of them said anything, the silence between them hanging heavy in the air.

  “I’m sorry, Quinn.”

  She looked at him, his eyes still that same, startling blue they’d always been. Whatever he’d done tonight, it hadn’t managed to dull those eyes. “You should be.” She took his hand, and she watched as his fingers curled around hers. “Did you mean to do it?”

  “Kill myself?” Lukas shrugged. “I don’t think so. I just needed something to take the edge off, that’s all. Something to get me through, so I could deal with…” He trailed off, and Quinn gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “So I could deal with today.”

  She breathed in deep, closing her eyes for a beat or two. “You aren’t this weak, Lukas.”

  “I am. I really am, Quinn. I thought it was OK, you know? And that time away from you, doing all that promo, without you, it gave me time to think, time to sort my head out, and it worked. To a point. Maybe I was just kidding myself…” He trailed off again and Quinn looked up, out of the window, but there wasn’t much to see now it was dark.

  “You were clean, Lukas. All that work, everything you went through… You were clean. And nothing was worth throwing that away for, least of all me.”

  “I just couldn’t deal with it, Quinn. It was like the final nail in the coffin, knowing you were with him; that you were staying, with him. I couldn’t deal with it. I just needed something to take the edge off, to make me sleep…”

  She let go of him and walked over to the window, crossing her arms as she looked outside. She was just able to make out the ocean way off in the distance, a slight breeze blowing the palm trees that surrounded whatever this place actually was.

  “You could’ve died,” she whispered, a panic she, surprisingly, hadn’t felt earlier taking over, and she spun around to look at him, anger suddenly spilling out of her. “You could’ve fucking died!”

  “I k
now, OK? I get that…”

  “So what the hell were you thinking?”

  “That I still love you, Quinn. I still love you, and I guess I need a lot more time to get over you than I first thought.”

  “And this is the answer? Take the drugs, start drinking again, that’s going to sort it all out, is it?”

  “Quinn…”

  “No. I don’t need this shit, Lukas. I’ve been through it before and I’m not going there again, I can’t, go there again. And neither can you, because it’ll win this time. It’ll kill you, this time, and I’m not ready to lose you just yet.”

  He looked at her, and she felt her heart break, a million kinds of confusion swamping her, a familiar fear swelling up inside of her.

  “Don’t do this again, Lukas. Please. Because I don’t think either of us are strong enough to come through it a second time.”

  He drew his knees to his chest and dropped his head into his hands, and all Quinn could do was look at him. She felt so much messed up stuff for this man, but the one thing she knew with a ferocious certainty this time around was that she couldn’t love him again. Not like that. Not the way he wanted her to. She couldn’t do that, not anymore. She really had left that part of their relationship behind. She just wished she could’ve realized that without all the fucked up shit happening; without causing the kind of mess they’d created.

  “I really don’t think we can do that.” She sat back down on the bed, taking his hand, and he looked at her, and this time those beautiful blue eyes were full of a sadness that tore Quinn apart. “So don’t do this to yourself, Lukas. Please.”

  “I’m sorry, Quinn. For everything I did; everything I didn’t do. I’m sorry for fucking up the life we could’ve had, for not being there when Noah…”