If I Fall

by Lydia Michaels

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Dr. Wolfe’s office looked nothing like what Jade had initially expected a psychiatrist office to look like. The walls were a soft beach-yellow and the trim was glossy white. No pretentious certificates were displayed, nor a bust of Freud.

  Rather, Dr. Wolfe’s shelves were peppered with old apothecary jars filled with pearly shells, white buttons, and unique shards of sea glass. There was a shelf completely dedicated to vintage bears and another decorated with antique teapots, brass pocket watches, and broken bits of soapstone. Her photographs were sepia landscapes that told of a personal hobby done for pleasure more than natural talent, but their lack of mastery made them all the more beautiful.

  Overstuffed chairs and ottomans draped with well-worn quilts were arranged in an intimate cluster at the center of the room. Her desk, more of an afterthought than a necessity, sat forgotten in the corner.

  She burned autumn-scented candles and always served fresh coffee. It was the same kind Jade kept in her cupboard at home, but for some reason, Dr. Wolfe’s coffee always tasted better.

  Perhaps it was the warm terracotta mugs she served it in that made it more of an experience than refreshment. Sharing a cup of coffee with Dr. Wolfe took away the anxiety connected to needing therapy, and replaced it with the sense of sharing a ritual, like teatime with a friend.

  She initially gave Jade the option of addressing her as either Dr. Wolfe or Chloe. At first, Jade used her formal title, but after sharing so many intimate details of her life she naturally shifted into calling her Chloe.

  Chloe comforted Jade in ways she couldn’t quite pinpoint. It was relaxing to vent to someone who was simply there to listen. She could easily pretend Chloe was a good friend rather than her shrink. The only giveaway that she was truly in therapy was the bill Jade paid at the end of the month. That and the fact that the conversation steadily centered on her own life and rarely touched on Chloe’s. But there had to be a cost for curing one’s soul and Chloe was slowly curing hers.

  Facing each other, feet tucked under their legs and hands cradling their mugs of warm hazelnut flavored coffee, they continued to discuss Jade’s issues with her parents.

  “Do you think if Jeremy wasn’t there you would have told them about the baby?” Chloe asked.

  “Probably not,” Jade admitted, heavy with guilt for prolonging the secret. “They know I’ve been avoiding them. My mom dropped plenty of unsubtle hints about how I neglected to invite them to see my new place. I have to tell them soon, though. My clothes are too tight and I’m avoiding a maternity wardrobe because that would be a dead giveaway.”

  “So why hesitate? Do you fear they’d blame you for what happened?”

  “That’s just it. I don’t want to explain what happened. I could act like I just slipped up and got pregnant, but I know them. They wouldn’t relent until they had a name. My mother would insist on meeting the father, and my father would want to hit him with his clarinet.”

  Chloe took a sip of her coffee, her eyes creasing with silent amusement at the mention of the instrument.

  “Besides, where would that leave Jeremy? Once they found out he wasn’t the father they’d assume he was standing in the way of my baby’s family being together. Which is just too ridiculous to even contemplate.”

  “You could tell them the truth about what happened.”

  “No way. They’d be devastated. I’m their only daughter and they’re a pain in the ass, but I know they only interfere in my life because they love me more than anything else. My father still calls me by my childhood nickname and my mother would spoon-feed me if I let her. It would crush them to know what I suffered.”

  Chloe placed her mug on the end table and folded her hands gently on her lap. “I think, perhaps, your parents underestimate how strong their daughter is. Yes, you suffered a horrific ordeal, but you also survived. You are surviving it everyday. You’re thriving. Perhaps, trusting their ability to share this burden with you will work in your favor and shed some light on the strong qualities they instilled in you. Your parents may surprise you, Jade.”

  “I know. I think that, too, sometimes. They’ve always supported and loved me, but then I think about my baby. He or she has only been a part of my life for twelve weeks—twelve short weeks. In that short amount of time, I’ve realized a special kind of love that comes with a ferocity that scares me. Without even seeing my child’s face, I know with absolute certainty that I’d lay down my life to save him or her from a moment’s pain. I can only imagine that love intensifying overtime. My parents have loved me for twenty-three years.”

  Her eyes glazed under the sharp sting of tears as she experienced a wave of hurt similar to what they might feel. She couldn’t hurt them and that was exactly what that information would do.

  “I never want my parents to know someone did such a horrible thing to me. Grief would haunt them and it’s nothing they can fix.”

  Chloe was quiet for several minutes as she reflected on her words. “You’re going to be a wonderful mother, Jade. You’re very wise and, while I don’t condone lying, I must say that I respect what you’ve said. Your sacrifice to save your parents anguish is a testament to how much you love them.”

  Glad she’d conveyed her feelings clearly—something she’d been struggling to improve—she took a deep breath and sat back in her chair. “Thank you.”

  “It seems you need a way to announce your pregnancy without revealing the events leading up to it. I want you to start contemplating explanations for your condition, not only for your parents but also for others who will ask. Keep in mind that one day it will be your own child who’s asking. I want you to be prepared when those moments arrive.”

  The sense of progress vanished as new worries arrived. Chloe was right. How the hell was she supposed to explain a monstrous father to a child that shared the same genetic makeup?

  “I’m gonna need a solid explanation. It should be as close to the truth as possible—but without the ugliness.”

  “You can water it down for a child, because I assure you, yours won’t be the first to ask ‘how did I get here?’.”

  Another thing to prepare for. Parenthood came with tons of awkward conversations. The stuff that came out of Mia’s mouth on a daily basis was insane. Kids were definitely curious little people.

  “Think on that over the next few days,” Chloe said, bringing their session to a close. “I’ll think on it, too, and perhaps we can come up with something that neither divulges too much nor qualifies as a lie. You’re making great progress, but I’m going to be honest. I’m still leery. We’ve been working on ways to prepare you for events that might set you off, but life’s unpredictable and sometimes hidden triggers arise.”

  Jade wanted to think her moments of emotional breakdowns were over, but that was just being naïve. Motherhood was an endless challenge. She’d seen Kat lose it plenty of times and Kat was a damn good mom. But Chloe wasn’t worried about Jade’s parenting skills. She was warning her about the emotion backlash that came with being a victim.

  “I know it’s going to be hard.”

  “It’s okay to relapse into grief, Jade. So if something happens to trigger a flashback, embrace it and use what you’ve learned. Sometimes we move backward in life and our new position offers a better point of view. If that happens, we’ll reassess and revise the path forward.”

  Drawing in a deep breath, she confessed, “I know one day I might learn things I have no knowledge of now, but I almost hope that never happens, even if it means I’ll never get revenge. I want to move forward, not backward. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I just want closure—however I can find it.”

  “In your situation, flashbacks could be especially disorienting. Remember, pay attention to your memory if it tries to bridge the gaps, but don’t forget your surroundings and those individuals here to support your progress. We’ll cross that bridge together when and if we get there.”

  Chloe’s words empowered her. “I always fe
el so confident by the end of our sessions.”

  “You should. You’re making great progress.” She glanced at her watch. “Unfortunately, we’re out of time. Think about the suggestions I’ve made and next time we meet we’ll see where things stand.”

  As Jade took the elevator to the lobby her posture felt a bit taller, her chin a notch higher. She was doing pretty well, considering.

  Zipping her jacket, she crossed the breezeway onto the sidewalk, cutting a quick left into the underground parking garage. Her shoes clicked over the worn cement as she climbed the stairs, echoing in the silent space.

  As she thumbed her key fob her alarm chirped and her headlights flashed in the distance. A black SUV with tinted windows idled at the end of the row of parked cars. The headlights were off—probably someone with an automatic starter. She should get one of those.

  She turned toward her Lexus as the black SUV lights flashed. The shrill squeal of tires cut through the silence as the driver ripped out of the spot and down the aisle. Jade gasped and flung her back to her car, pressing her hand to her chest.

  “Asshole!” she shouted as the jerk peeled around the corner. Her blood ran cold as her alert gaze snagged on the back of the SUV. “What the fuck?”

  She took a staggering step forward, but the sound of screeching tires below told her she’d never catch up. Was she seeing things? A chill sank into her bones as her mind clung to the memory of the car speeding away, zeroing in on the decal of the rear bumper.

  It had been there. She saw it. A scrolled symbol resembling a number four with flourishes. Her body shook with adrenaline as she lifted a hand to her shoulder. She’d seen it.

  The garage silenced and she reached for her phone, her fingers shaking violently. She dug her nail into her key fob, setting her car alarm to panic. She needed to call someone, but first, she had to get out of there.

  The horn of her Lexus bleated obnoxiously, muffling the sound of her frantic footfalls and labored breath as she raced back down the stairs toward the street. She burst through the doors onto the bustling sidewalk and pedestrians scrambled out of her way.

  The sunlight momentarily blinded her as she cut right and raced back inside Chloe’s building, sprinting past the reception desk toward the elevators. Her heart thundered in her chest as she was hyper aware of others nearby.

  Jabbing her finger into the button, she impatiently waited for the doors to open. “Come on…”

  The elevator opened and passengers stepped out, new passengers moving in. Jade pushed inside and stabbed a finger into the button for Chloe’s floor.

  A woman speaking on a cell phone stood to her left, a man reading the paper filled the back corner, another man sending a text message occupied the middle. She kept closest to the doors, her breath soughing out of her lungs as her mind replayed the image of the SUV on a continuous loop.

  The elevator chimed and she shoved through the partially opened doors, running full speed toward the office. Propelling her body against the door, she panted as Chloe gave a startled yip.

  “Jade?” Standing by her assistant’s desk holding a manila folder, her serene expression tightened with evident concern. “Is everything all right?”

  Breathing jaggedly, words rushed past her lips. “I saw it … on a car … the four… They tried to run me over!”

  “I’ll call the cops!” her assistant said, as she grasped the phone on her desk.

  “No!” Jade shouted.

  “Wait a minute, Jennifer.” Chloe placed a hand on the secretary’s shoulder. “Come into my office, Jade.”

  It was then she noticed who was likely Dr. Wolfe’s next appointment sitting to her left, staring bug-eyed at the crazy lady in the office. She quickly followed Chloe and shut the door.

  Chloe walked to her desk and pressed a button on her phone. “Jennifer, I’ll have to reschedule my next appointment.”

  “Yes, Dr. Wolfe,” Jennifer replied over the intercom.

  She turned toward Jade and gestured for her to take a seat. “Tell me what happened.”

  Jade quickly explained as Chloe took notes. “You’re certain you don’t want to notify the police?”

  “No, I want to call the cops. That asshole almost killed me! I just don’t want to get into… other stuff with them.”

  “But this is more than a near hit and run. Are you ready for that conversation? I can sit in on the phone call with you—”

  “Wait,” she interrupted, her mind moving too fast to track. “Can’t I just report what happened today?”

  “Of course, but is this about reporting a bad driver or a bad person, Jade?”

  She frowned, her breathing finally slowing. “But … what if I just imagined it. What if I got scared and my mind was just playing tricks on me?”

  “Do you think that’s what happened?”

  “No.” It all happened so fast. “I don’t know.”

  “Did you notice anything else about the car, aside from its coloring? The make or model?”

  Damn it, she had nothing. “No. It might have been a…” Nissan? Mercury? Cadillac? Shoulders shrinking, she mumbled, “No, I didn’t notice anything else.”

  “Well, all is not lost. Do you still intend on going to work? I’ve canceled my last appointment for the day and I’d like to see if we could use that time to do some fact gathering.”

  Jade quickly ran through a list of co-workers in her mind, wondering if any of them would cover her shift. “I can probably call out.”

  “Okay, use the phone at my desk. I’ll give you a few minutes. After you call your work I’d like you to call your support group. Kat, Tyson, Jeremy, and anyone else whom you’re comfortable discussing your situation with honestly. Ask them if they’re available to join us for an hour or so.”

  Jade nodded and Chloe stepped out of the office.

  Several minutes later Chloe softly knocked and peeked through the door. Jade was just hanging up the phone with Jeremy, who was furious. Not with her, but with the idea that someone put her in danger—again. And possibly the same someone from before.

  As they waited, Chloe handed her a large glass of water and moved some additional chairs into her office. Before long, they were interrupted by a ruckus in the waiting room. Jennifer shouted from her desk as the door to the office flew open.

  There, fierce with the eyes of a predator, Jeremy filled the door frame . His sharp gaze zeroed in on Jade, his steps carrying him to her side in two strides as he gripped her in a crushing hug. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Jeremy, I’m Dr. Chloe Wolfe.”

  With only a quick nod, he turned back to Jade and ran his hands over her hair and shoulders. “Were you hurt? Should we take you to the doctor’s?”

  “Jeremy, I’m fine. Just a little shaken up and angry someone tried to hit me with a car. Sit down. Please.”

  After several minutes, she convinced him to take a seat, but he was pacing by the time Kat and Tyson arrived. Once everyone was satisfied that she was unharmed, Chloe had her explain what happened in full detail.

  Jeremy’s shoulders remained tense, his body ready to spring at any moment. He only needed the identity of his target and she had no doubt he’d be gone.

  “Now,” Chloe announced, retrieving her tablet. “I think it’s in Jade’s best interest to gather the facts before we move forward. She invited you here so that we could work together to make sure we don’t leave out any important details. We need to form a comprehensive timeline of events including anything that relates to Jade’s assault. Who would like to start?”

  “I’ll start,” Kat announced, taking a stuttered breath. “A little over a year ago, Jade came over for coffee and as I was walking her back to her car I noticed a bumper sticker.”

  “What?” Jade asked, having no clue what this had to do with today. There was a niggling of familiarity to what Kat was saying, but she didn’t know how it was related.

  “You remember,” Kat prompted. “You were pissed s
omeone put a sticker on your car. I thought you put it there and it was some kind of trendy new symbol, like an awareness band or something. You ripped it off and threw it away. You blamed ignorant kids for vandalizing your car, so I never thought much else about it.”

  “Oh, my God…” Jade breathed. She remembered now. She didn’t even really look at the design on the sticker. She was too busy being furious with the fact that someone defaced her property. But now that she thought about it, there was something familiar in the shadows of her memory. “Was it the four?”

  Kat wavered. “I… I think it might have been.”

  Jade gasped, her fingers crawling over her arms and skin to fight the unnerving sense that someone might have targeted her. “What the hell does that mean, that I was tagged or something? I never considered that what happened to me as more than a snap decision. What if they were watching me all this time?”

  Tyson cursed and Jeremy looked ready to kill someone, his hand tight in a closed fist as it bounced on his thigh. Bile swilled in her stomach as she struggled to breathe.

  “Take a long, deep breath, Jade,” Chloe advised. “Do you know what month that happened, Kat?”

  “Um, I guess early September, because it was around my birthday the next time I noticed something.”

  “There’s more?” Tyson snapped.

  “Yes.”

  “I’m going to throw up.” Jade moaned, bending over as someone handed her another glass of water.

  “Do you need a minute, Jade?”

  She shook her head, wanting to finish this.

  “Continue,” Chloe said to Kat.

  “On my birthday I was at the salon getting a manicure. The girl doing my nails had a scar on her hand. It was the same stylized four.”

  Jade’s head snapped up as tears swam in her unblinking eyes, clouding her vision. “What?” Why was this the first time she was hearing about this?

  Kat shook her head, expression regretful. “Again, maybe I’m remembering it wrong, but all of this suddenly seems a little too coincidental. You’re always covering the mark, Jade, so I never really see it. Sometimes I forget it’s there. Maybe it’s not the same.”