If I Fall

by Lydia Michaels

  So, Frank wasn’t there. Damn. “How about I leave you my number?” He jotted it on a napkin and slid it across the bar with a twenty. “Keep the change.”

  “Thank you. I’ll make sure Frank gets your number.”

  “Thanks. When’s Frank usually here?”

  “Every night, ten ’til closing and all day on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays.”

  He’d definitely be back.

  She should be coming out of the Emergency Room entrance any second. It had been the same routine since he first saw her. She always parked by the ambulance garage and went in and out through the ER. Sure, she threw him off a bit when she cut back her hours, but now she was back to work, back to her old habits.

  He reached in his console and found a book of matches. Pulling a cigarette from his pack, he returned his gaze to the exit. Someone was coming.

  Is it her? No, just another fucking patient.

  Delicious adrenaline had his cock hardening in expectation. Just one glimpse was all he needed. He’d mastered her every routine, even her weekly visits to a shrink. That had been a close call the other day in the garage, but seeing her walking around so smug and fearless… He wanted to shake her up. Loved seeing her on edge. It wasn’t often she could surprise him, but she recently took him out of his safety zone so it only seemed right to knock her out of hers.

  Now, she was back to a routine and he was back to doing what he loved most—watching her. People were generally habitual beings. Jade was no different. Until recently.

  He struck his match and inhaled deeply, the interior of his otherwise dark car momentarily glowing red. Where the fuck was she? He assumed she’d want to get back to her boyfriend.

  Fucking jarhead.

  She thought she was so smart, moving to her new place, screwing some military reject, just living it up over there on 100 Happy Street with her friends. Well, he had other plans.

  He’d made it in and out without getting caught, wiped her car, wiped her memory, wiped her place. There was only one tiny complication.

  The memory of her hand resting protectively over her stomach filled his mind. His fingers tightened on the steering wheel. Unable to leave any strings untied, he waited for more validation. Her apartment was a bitch to watch, but the little cottage she’d moved to had low windows and no neighbors sharing her walls. It would be so easy to—

  There she is.

  Chucking his cigarette, he hunched low behind the wheel. The silent car hummed with the slow pull of his zipper. The weight of his cock heated his flesh as his fingers wrapped around his length and squeezed, remembering her tightness.

  “There’s my little slut. What have you done, Jade? You’ve done something very, very bad.” His eyes rolled as he squeezed his dick, stroking faster as the hiss of his breath filled the silent car.

  She paused in the breezeway as someone spoke to her. The contour of her belly pressed against her coat as she turned, showing him once and for all that his fears were true. Stupid fucking cunt. She was spoiling everything. And why did she look so fucking happy?

  As she took another step, he saw who she was talking to. It was that fucking doctor again. He wondered if the doctor knew what happened to her, wondered if Doc was working with Jade to piece together evidence. Well, they’d find nothing.

  His fist pumped quickly, his harsh breathing fogging the glass. There wasn’t much time. Staring hard at her tits, he gripped his cock almost painfully and grunted as he came.

  Sloppy filth.

  Yanking a tissue out of the side compartment, wiped himself clean, and tossed it behind him with the heap of used tissues he’d gone through in the past week. He should have her clean them up with her filthy whore mouth. Fuck, he was still hard. This was what she did to him.

  He’d used protection the first time he fucked her, but a lot of fucking good that did. Damn her for lying there like a little fuck toy, those full lips open and silently begging for him. She deserved it again and again and he made sure she got it. This was her fault.

  “Fuck!” He shoved his cock back in his pants and grabbed another cigarette.

  Linking a bastard’s DNA to an unknown suspect was improbable, but he couldn’t have a loose end like that walking around for the rest of his life. One slip up, one mistake, and his info would be in the system. If she made a report—which she hadn’t yet—they’d eventually find it.

  It seemed like a tall order keeping his record spotless for the rest of his life. But he had connections, so there was always a way. Still… it was safer to simply get rid of any evidence now.

  She hugged the doctor goodbye and walked to her Lexus. Zipping up his pants, he timed the turn of his key with her engine. Would it be the boyfriend’s tonight or the new house? Time to find out…

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  The sun glinted in his eyes as he dialed Jade. He was installing the new alarm system at the cottage with Trent and Tyson while she was at his place keeping an eye on Mia.

  “Hello?” she practically gasped into the phone.

  He frowned while fidgeting with the front door. “Why are you out of breath?”

  “We’re outside twirling. It’s snowing!” She laughed, the sound mingling with his daughter’s giggles in the background.

  “I thought the snow wasn’t supposed to come for a few more days.” He squinted into the cloudy December sky and cursed. Snow was definitely on its way.

  “I think we’re supposed to get a blizzard or something early next week. I don’t think this is it. This is just flurries. It’s not sticking.”

  “It’s just cloudy here.” She was as free spirited as a kid at times. How could a little precipitation make someone over the age of twelve so happy?

  “Is that Daddy? Ask him where my sled is!” Mia yelled in the background.

  “Mia, sweetie, I don’t think there’s enough snow to actually go sledding.”

  “Please,” Mia begged.

  Jade laughed. “Mia wants to know where her sled is.”

  “It’s in the shed. Tell her I’ll get it out when I get home.”

  “And when will that be?”

  He looked toward the other guys to see how things were coming along. “Well, we’re wrapping up with the locks now. Trent’s installing your alarm sensors and Ty’s wiring your motion detector lights. I’d say I should be home by dinner. Is that okay?”

  “That’s fine. I told Mia we’d make Christmas cookies. I stopped on the way over and grabbed a tub of the frozen kind you slice and decorate.”

  “The frozen kind? That’s cheating!”

  “It counts! Besides, if I made them from scratch no one would eat them. This is really better for everyone.”

  “Kiki, come on!” Mia yelled. “We can play Beauty and the Beast and dance in the snow.”

  “Sounds like you’re being summoned. I’ll let you go. I should be home by five. How’s pizza for dinner?”

  “Great. I’ll see you then.”

  “Love you.” He snuck in the sentiment before she hung up.

  She giggled and whispered, “Me too.”

  Grinning, he headed back inside the cottage.

  Trent screwed a tiny sensor to the top of Jade’s back door. Jeremy returned to installing the night latch on the front door. “I told the girls I’d be back by five. You think that’s doable?”

  “I’d say definitely doable. Ty’s halfway done. He just needs to get up in the attic to run some wire to the other end of the house and set the timers to test the bulbs. After this, I gotta hit all of the windows and install the main control panel. Once that’s done, you gotta run all your codes and shit to activate the system. I’d say another three hours tops.”

  Two and a half hours later they were right on schedule as Jeremy was screwing the last sensor on Jade’s bedroom window. It had snowed briefly, but not enough to interfere with their work.

  Tyson came through the front door and a piercing beep filled the house. It stopped as soon as the door shut. “We’re go
od out back. The two front bulbs should wrap the house enough to cover all angles, but we won’t be sure until it gets dark. I’ll test them out tonight.”

  Jeremy’s phone rang and the screen said HOME. Jade was probably getting hungry. “Hello?”

  “Daddy?”

  “Hey, baby. You making cookies with Kiki? I hope you saved some—”

  “Daddy, something’s wrong with Kiki,” Mia interrupted, panic in her voice.

  Holding a hand up to tell the guys to quiet down, he covered his other ear. “What’s wrong?” She hadn’t had morning sickness in a few days.

  “I don’t know. She won’t come out of the bathroom.”

  “Okay, princess. Where are you now?” He tried to remain calm, not wanting to upset Mia further. Ty stepped closer.

  “I’m in the kitchen. What should I do?”

  “Stay calm. Can you go to the bathroom door?”

  “Okay.”

  He listened as Mia stomped up the steps. Tyson and Trent gave him questioning glances, but he couldn’t take his ear away from the phone until he knew what was going on. They thought she was past the puking stage, but the book said it sometimes returned.

  He heard Mia knock. “Kiki? Kiki, Daddy’s on the phone. He wants to talk to you.” Her breath echoed in the phone as she knocked again. “She’s not answering, Daddy.”

  “Does it sound like she’s sick, Mia? Did she say she had a belly ache?”

  “She said her back hurt.”

  “Put your ear to the door. Tell me what you hear. Does it sound like she’s throwing up?”

  Mia shuffled the phone against her clothing. “It sounds like she’s crying.”

  He silently cursed. “I’ll be right there. Wait for me on the steps by the bathroom in case Jade calls for you. Keep the phone with you. Call me if anything happens. I’ll be there in ten minutes, okay?”

  “Okay, Daddy.”

  He hung up the phone. “Something’s wrong with Jade. I gotta go.”

  Tyson grabbed his keys. “I’ll follow you and get Mia,”

  “I’ll stay here and lock up. Hope everything’s all right,” Trent said, as they left the house in a rush.

  As soon as Jeremy got in his car he dialed Jade’s cell phone. It rang four times then went to voice mail. He dialed again only to have the same result. As he turned onto a straight run of road, he texted, Call me.

  Too impatient to wait for a reply, he called her phone again.

  “Fuck!” he yelled, as it went to voicemail.

  As he stopped at a light Tyson pulled behind him, talking on his phone. He was probably speaking to Kat, telling her something was up. The light changed and Jeremy sped through the weekend traffic. About six minutes later he peeled into his driveway and ran into the house.

  “Mia!”

  “I’m here, Daddy.” She stood at the top of the stairs holding the cordless phone in her tiny hands, her eyes huge in her pudgy face.

  “Did she come out yet?” he asked, taking the steps two at a time.

  “No.”

  Jeremy quickly pulled her into his arms. “Listen to me. Sometimes grown-ups get sick, that’s all. You did the right thing by calling me. Now, I have to check on Jade. Tyson’s on his way here. I want you to go sit at the kitchen table until he gets here. Okay?”

  “Okay.” She sniffled and he kissed her on the cheek, waiting until she turned down the hall to speak to Jade.

  “I’m here, Jer.”

  Jeremy thought quickly. Whatever was going on with Jade, he didn’t want Mia around. His daughter was already upset and he had to focus on Jade at the moment. “Take Mia home. I’ll call you.”

  “You got it,” Tyson yelled.

  Jeremy jiggled the bathroom handle, which was obviously locked. “Jade?”

  He listened but heard no reply. “Jade, baby, it’s me, please open the door.” Pressing his ear to the door, he listened again but only heard silence.

  “Jade? Honey, I’m going to count to ten and then I’m coming in. One…two…” He heard nothing, not the running of water, or the sound of her breathing—no crying. When he reached ten he yelled, “I’m coming in, so move away from the door.”

  He took a step back and kicked at the knob. The door splintered from the frame and the knob hung loosely in its spot. He shouldered forward and the lock broke free. A chill raced through his body.

  She sat on the toilet, hunched over, her arms wrapped around her middle, her face wracked with tears. She faced him and her mouth opened in a silent roar of agony. Her legs were buckled around the seat and her pants bunched around her knees.

  He didn’t understand. “Jade?”

  That was when he saw it. Blood. It coated her hands and thighs like dark, horrifying oil. It was everywhere. Jesus Christ, the baby.

  He staggered to her and fell to his knees. His hands pulled at her face, trying to get her to see him. She didn’t seem to register his presence. “Baby. Baby, look at me.”

  Her torso and lap were smeared with crimson. There was just so much. His eyes prickled with tears as he pulled her into his arms, holding her as tightly as he could.

  A brutal sob escaped her throat, taking him back to memories on the battlefield. Tremors shook her body as she moaned in agony. He rocked her back and forth as they huddled on the floor, his own tears mingling with hers.

  “I’ve got you. I’ve got you…”

  In a tortured wail, she moaned, “Why…”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  A machine chirped. That steady chirp was the only thing Jade could think about. Chirp…chirp…chirp… She lay on her side, hollow and vacant, listening to the beeps every few seconds. She knew they were there, Jeremy, Kat, and Ty, waiting for her to awaken. She didn’t want to wake though. She wanted sleep, mind-numbing sleep.

  The heater kicked on and she couldn’t decide if she was warm or cold. Her pillow smelled of bleach. The fabric was coarse and starched against the slightest flick of her lashes. She stared at a half-occupied outlet and wondered if she lost her mind enough, if she could slip away into those tiny holes that sat empty, as hollow as she felt. She wasn’t making sense, but nothing did.

  She wanted to slip away. Just let go of everything. Escape. Break from the pain. Never come back.

  Her peripheral vision caught sight of her wrist curled under her cheek. Her nails were dirty. There, wrapped around her arm, was a band telling her where she lay. A familiar place, a place she visited many times a week. A place she planned to eventually admit herself and leave as a mommy.

  That was all different now.

  She was a patient, but not in a way she’d ever expected. She wasn’t there to be a nurse, and she wasn’t there to become a mother. No, they brought her here to finish someone’s ugly trick.

  She lost everything.

  Her baby was gone.

  Her pillow moistened with tears and she wondered if she would ever blink again. Chirp…She was empty, too light to hold to this world, too vacant to cope, too processed to breathe. The door behind her opened and she quickly shut her eyes.

  They wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t grasp the pain, humiliation, or loss. There was no one who shared in this baby’s life as she did, no one who could comprehend how real her child had been, how important to her sanity.

  Footsteps moved nearer, then a soft whisper. “Is she asleep?” It was Kat.

  “Yes,” Jeremy whispered back.

  “What did the doctor say?”

  “He said she lost a lot of blood and needs to rest.” His hoarse voice accompanied his touch as a hand coasted along her hair. He touched her as if she might break from the slightest contact. Too late, she was already broken.

  “They wouldn’t tell me anymore than that because I’m not her husband.”

  “I found a nurse named Heather. She said she contacted Dr. Bishop. She’s Jade’s friend and primary OB. She might give us more information. Did you call her parents?”

  “No. They didn’t know.”


  “It’s probably best to wait, then,” Kat said. “She’ll get through this, Jeremy. She’s stronger than anyone I know.”

  There was a long beat of silence.

  “I didn’t understand it,” Jeremy whispered. “When I found out what happened, I couldn’t comprehend why she’d want it, but now…” He took a deep breath. “Now, I can’t imagine her without it. She loved that child to a fault. I couldn’t understand how she saw past the evil that put it there, but she did. Everyday, I watched her adapt more and more. How’s she going to get through this?”

  “She’ll get through it like she gets through everything else in this world, with integrity and blind courage,” Kat promised. “I know it’ll take a while, but I assure you, Jade will make it through this. I’m not saying it won’t leave a mark, but she’ll be okay. She is okay.” Her eyes shimmered. “She’s just … heartbroken.”

  “God, I hope you’re right, Kat.”

  Jade woke to the crushing realization that the nightmare she dreamt was, in fact, her life. Unable to deal, she fell back to sleep. A few hours later she awoke again to the same realization, only this time when she tried to escape it with unconsciousness, sleep proved evasive.

  “Are you awake?”

  She opened her eyes to find Lily sitting across from her.

  “Jade, honey, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this happened and I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you get through it. Dr. Zoll said there were no other options. Sometimes our children just aren’t meant for our arms to hold.”

  Hot tears trailed down her face. Every word resonated with tawdry truth and she refused to contribute to such simple explanations for her pain.

  Lily rested a hand on hers. “If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. Are you thirsty?”

  Was she thirsty? Her mouth was dry, but even the idea of the effort of quenching thirst exhausted her. Swallowing hard, she looked at Lily and said, “Sleep.”