RETRACE

by Ehrlich, Sigal

  Tucking my hands inside my camel cargo pockets, I watch Nia smiling at her little people squad’s performance. She seems pleased, calm, and proud. And damn she’s pretty. My eyes trace every inch of her stunning self. She’s wearing one of those black bra look-alike tops and knee length grey sweats. When her eyes pull to me, sensing I’m watching her, her smile widens enough to make my heart jump. A few pigtailed heads turn back to check where their instructor’s attention has diverted. A familiar little redhead sees me and immediately splits class.

  Seconds later, when Lily’s small arms circle my thigh in a tight hug, I dip my head to send her a wide smile.

  “Hey beautiful.” I lift her into a hug.

  “Hi Reeves.” She counters with the widest grin.

  “I think Miss Nia will be upset if you don’t get back to your friends.”

  She nods. Nia shakes her head with crinkled eyes when Lily takes her place back in the pink troopers circle.

  “Hi you,” Nia kisses my cheek as she comes out of the studio, a quarter of an hour later in tight jeans, killer heels, and white, loose halter-top that almost reveals her perky breasts from the sides. I need to hold myself from dropping to my knees at her feet.

  “Hi back.” I plant a kiss on the center of her forehead. Why didn’t I kiss her lips? ‘Cause I wouldn’t be able to stop at that. Simple. I help her into her jacket.

  “This is a nice surprise.” She hugs my side. I wrap my arm around her shoulder and squeeze her into me.

  “Let’s get going, I want to grab something to eat before the show.”

  “Hey, Nia, wait.”

  We both turn to see a chick with purple hair. Quickly, I recognize her. She’s Nia’s friend. I’ve seen her a couple of times at Jake’s. Oh… yeah. My lips jerk up, she’s the one who made out with another chick the other night. Sweet.

  “You guys going to Jake’s?” She is short of breath and adjusts her bag’s strap over her shoulder.

  Nia stiffens before answering. “Yeah. Want to join us?” I can swear the last part of her sentence has a reluctant air to it.

  Purple-hair chick offers me her hand and a smile. An NC-17 rated smile. “I’m Alex. And you are Reeves.”

  I gift her with a friendly nod and return her shake.

  “I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while now, but you always seem so busy at the bar.”

  My brows pull in, both at her inviting stance, and more at Nia’s sudden rigidity. “Well, you can talk to me now.”

  The way she’s checking me out doesn’t go unnoticed. Wasn’t she playing for the other team? We keep walking, my hand lightly at the small of Nia’s back and Alex on my other side.

  “Are you seeing anyone?” Alex casually asks. Talk about balls. My eyes squint toward Nia who all of a sudden seems very captivated by the streetlamps ahead. I guess it takes me a bit too long to answer, because it ends with Nia answering for me.

  “He is not dating anyone if that’s what you’re asking.”

  The annoyance her words emit throws me back. And… it’s Nia’s turn to verbally extinguish anything serious happening between us. We are both doing a mighty damn good job in this game of avoiding commitment we are playing. When she does it, it fucking burns.

  “I guess I’m not.” I can’t even try to mask my irritation. Alex is either oblivious of the tense exchange, or totally indifferent, as her smile grows wider.

  “So can I ask you out?”

  Nia accelerates her steps till my hand drops from her back. I take a step forward and grab her hand, tugging her back beside me.

  “We can all hang out together. I might not be dating anyone but there’s someone,” I say in a clear, iced accord. Nia’s eyes flicker my way, the look we trade next screams volumes.

  Alex shrugs, “well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.” I reward her with a side smile.

  ~~~

  Carmie doesn’t just perform, she dominates the stage. She rips her audience’s hearts out of their ribcages and collects them in a jar, one by one. Singing a Poison cover with her strong, husky voice, her band dissolves into the background and all eyes are on her.

  We are crammed around the closest table to the stage, Nia and some of her friends, Jake, and me. Dylan is somewhere in the back, probably attached to a bottle or a hot chick, or both.

  “Wow, she’s amazing,” Nia says next to my ear, eyes wide at Carmie.

  “She is,” I confirm, leaning toward her. Our mouths almost touch as she turns my way. We both gasp. In a span of a second everything including Carmie’s alluring voice fades away. Our eyes run in duet to each other’s mouths and back, with each loud thud of my heart we move an inch closer. I tip my head to align with Nia’s lightly quivering, parted lips. Our breaths mix and I can almost feel her soft touch.

  “Reeves.” A pair of slim hands wrap around my neck. Both Nia and I flinch back, dumbstruck. A cloud of sweet scent engulfs me while soft lips press onto my cheek. I cast a short glance at Nia before moving to give Katie a warm hug.

  “Hey,” I say over the music, ruffling up her golden waves with my hand. Katie tips back to look at me and then burrows her entire petite figure under my arm.

  “Let’s go grab a drink and catch up,” she shouts above Carmie’s lingering song.

  Nia is watching the show on stage as I tap her shoulder, bending to ask her if she wants a refill. She shakes her head and freezes when her stare falls on Katie by my side.

  “I’ll be right back,” I say to Nia and let Katie lead me to the bar. I don’t miss Jake’s disapproving head shake as I do.

  “What?” I mouth, spreading my arms in question. He shakes his head again and pivots his stare back to his ex.

  “Mom said you’re bringing someone on Friday,” Katie says, dropping to a stool next to where I’m leaning with my hip on the bar.

  “Yeah, my friend, Nia.” I tip my beer back for a generous swig.

  “Friend?” Katie repeats, eyes fixated on me.

  “Friend and neighbor,” I say casually. I’m not willing to discuss who I’m seeing or sleeping with. It’s too soon after she told me she has a crush on me. The last thing I’d ever do is hurt Katie in any way.

  “We’re taking five, you guys are awesome. Thank you,” Carmie says to her insta-fans. Not long after, Carmie charms the pants off Dan, asking for a drink. Katie excuses herself to go talk to a friend and I find myself alone with the star of the evening.

  “God, I love you so much Reeves, but you’re the world’s biggest dickhead.” Carmie fans her black tank top, trying to cool down. I let out a light, confused chuckle.

  “What have I done now?”

  She shakes her head in the same manner her ex did just moments ago. “You didn’t, that’s the problem.” Another headshake. “You should be with that one over there.” She gestures with her bottle Nia’s way. “Not with this one that doesn’t understand no as an answer.”

  My jaw instantly ticks. “Don’t say that about Katie. And it’s not like that with Nia.”

  Carmie’s lips twist with annoyance. “Oh, it’s not? So how is it with Nia, then? Tell me?”

  My eyes roam to where Nia is sitting, I catch her curiously looking my way. As our eyes hold, she winces and breaks the connection faster than I can send her a smile.

  “Exactly!” Carmie nods. She pushes herself from the bar and pats my chest. “Okay, I’m on. Please stop being an ass, okay kid? Man up and do what you really want to do.” She says before striding between noisy tables toward the stage.

  I place Nia’s drink before her as I take back my seat next to her.

  “Thanks,” she murmurs, and continues talking to one of the guys at the table, Paul.

  “You still owe me an answer.” Jake leans back to talk to me behind Nia’s chair, reminding me of his job offer from earlier today. I nod into my bottle.

  “Let me sleep on it.” Maybe I should just leave for a while.

  Everyone stops talking at once, including us, when Carmie and the band sta
rt playing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Before the chorus comes, Carmie’s performance turns into a private one, for her ex-husband.

  Carmie sings. Her and Jake’s stares spark as Carmie slowly sways her curves, parting her way toward him. Once she faces Jake with an expression that screams desire, haloed by misty light and smoke, whistles and shouts come from the excited crowed. She holds the mic, absorbed in Jake, putting everything she’s got into the song. Her voice is strong and rough, emitting electricity, emotions and sex. She sings about how they could never be wrong together, how his love is like a shadow on her all the time. The way they stare at each other makes me think that even if the world blows away right now they won’t even notice.

  I gaze at Nia as she watches them with a wishful flare, having the urge to spin her around and kiss the life out of her. But I don’t. Maybe showing affection outside our homes would give our relationship a classification, an acknowledgment, that we’re both not willing to confront.

  A few drinks and a couple of songs later, our table is engrossed in a heated discussion about the dramatic football season that just started.

  “Reeves,” Katie interrupts, resting her hand on my shoulder. I crane my neck back to look at her. “Any chance you are taking me home? My friends are going to an after party and I’m not in the mood.”

  “Sure.” When it comes to Katie’s safety… “Give me a minute, okay?” Katie nods but stays standing next to me.

  I tap Nia’s thigh and lean closer, “I’m taking Katie home and coming back.” Nia looks at me, then at Katie. She stands up and smiles at Katie.

  “We haven’t been introduced.” She sends an inscrutable glance my way. “I’m Nia, Reeves’…” She halts for a moment. “Reeves’ friend.”

  “Oh right, Nia.” Katie mirrors Nia’s smile. “I guess we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other on Friday, though.” Another sweet smile. “You don’t mind me stealing him from you for a while, right?”

  Nia shakes her head.

  “It was nice finally meeting you, Katie.” She turns my way. “You don’t need to come back for me, I’m not sure how long we’ll stay here.”

  I squat to level our eyes. “I don’t want you going home by yourself.”

  “Reeves, just go, okay?” She takes her seat, resuming her chat with her friends.

  I text Nia as we leave, asking her to ping me when she gets home.

  Chapter 24

  Nia

  The coffee tastes bitter, or maybe the coffee is good and it’s thoughts that leave the foul taste in my mouth. Repeatedly, I run phrases and snippets from last night in my head, which leave me restless and mostly… upset. It’s been a while since I’ve slept by myself. I didn’t want to sleep in Reeves’ bed last night, I was too railed up. For a couple of hours I held up even answering his message, but I knew he’d worry and probably come looking for me, and truth be told, I wasn’t so inclined to see him.

  How can someone tell you with the sincerest of stares that you’re in his heart and the next day make sure the entire world knows there’s nothing remotely serious between the two of you. I much rather he’d choose one approach and stick to it, the combination of warm and cold wears me out, drives me up the wall.

  But to be honest, how can I even say anything to him, demand anything other than what we’ve got going on? And really, who am I to complain while not even sharing a nugget of my past with him? I can’t deny that it was me who jumped in to tell Alex he is not dating anyone. I had to, it took him too much time to respond. He hesitated. In my book of “falling hard for someone,” hesitation is definitely a glaring warning sign. And then there was Katie… Without even a blink of an eye he chose her. He chose to take her home. I’m torn on this one too. Yes, I wanted him to ask me, I wanted him to make sure I was okay first. Yet, I couldn’t say anything, it’s Katie. She is practically his family. How could he have not chosen her? I’m definitely not feeling any adoration for the mess I’ve become.

  I shut my eyes as tight as I can. I can’t concentrate. Urgh!

  I take a calming breath and the special moments Reeves and I shared last night swirl in. When he pulled me next to him saying, “there is someone,” it was more than obvious who that someone is. Our almost kiss before Katie showed up, that one said so much. Maybe it’s for the best she’d interrupted us, I was about to blurt out something about emotions, again. I wouldn’t know how to deal with him not feeling the same way. It’s better left unsaid.

  I hug the cup in front of me with both hands. Even though I’m trying to deny it, he’s gotten under my skin, deep, deep, under. When I’m with him, there are no nightmares, there aren’t burning showers, crying, or the constant self-contempt. When I’m with him I’m simply happy. At this point, I can’t even imagine losing him as my friend.

  I’ll take whatever he offers. It’s better than not having him at all.

  Knocks on the door shake me out of my web of confusion. I drop my eyes to my boy-shorts and white tank top which showcases my lack of bra to the max, and shrug. I peek through the peephole and open the door to the subject of my turbulence. I need to locate my jaw back to its natural place with Reeves standing before me wearing nothing but black boxers.

  “Did you at least use the elevator?”

  He squints his eyes, scratching his defined abs. I need to kill the urge to jump him, as I run my eyes over him. I can only imagine how warm and delectable his skin must feel right now, given it’s more than obvious he just rolled out of bed.

  “No, the stairs,” he says mildly irritated and very much sexy. He even has a sleep mark near his nose, sexy and adorable. “Why?”

  “Your attire…” I gesture with my hand to his lack of cover. Oh, mighty God in heaven, he might even be sporting a semi by the look of those puffed shorts. Reeves’ stare drops to where my eyes are zeroed in and he lets out a short, husky chuckle.

  “My eyes are up here, Nia,” he murmurs. I can only imagine the color my cheeks have turned. Somewhat ill at ease, I lift my eyes to his that take a solemn expression. “Why are you acting weird again?”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  He twists his mouth, wordlessly saying: “Stop playing games.”

  “You totally weirded out on me, again, last night.”

  “Is that even a word?”

  “It is now.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I turn on my heel, taking a few steps to reach one of the kitchen’s stools.

  Reeves sends his hand to the door and shuts it. “Oh, I think you do. I’m not sure what’s going on with you lately.” He plops to a stool across the table from me, leaning his elbows on the surface, linking his fingers together, gazing at me. “Ever since that pregnancy shit you’ve started acting different.” He stares at me with concern and displeasure. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

  Here we go, that word again… I think it officially became my least favorite word in the English language.

  “You got me as a friend,” I say quietly. Quietly and disappointed.

  “Good.” His stare tapers at me. “If there’s any issue. If there’s anything you want to tell me, you can tell me. You know that, right?”

  I gaze at my linked hands, avoiding his eyes. Tell you that I’m falling for you and have you running out the door? Newsflash “friend,” it’s me not wanting to lose you… With some effort, I produce a smile and nod.

  “You want coffee?” I untangle my hands, jump off the stool, and head over to the coffeemaker. “I really don’t get why Jake and Carmie aren’t together,” I say, fixing our warm drinks. Better to have someone else in the spotlight. If we discuss friendship one more time I might go for the knives in the first drawer.

  “They are a special kind of dumb?” Reeves responds, ending his words in a sigh. He covers his face with his palms, stifling a yawn.

  “It’s so sad, I’ve never seen anyone more infatuated with each other than these two.” I place our cups in front of us.

&nb
sp; “Well, some people just don’t see what’s good for them even if it’s shoved in their face.”

  I choke on my next sip. I have an urge to shove a mirror in his face and force him to repeat his wise statement.

  Another coffee, cornflakes (the very best my kitchen has to offer) and a short, easy conversation later, Reeves leaves to get ready for a meeting with Jake. As soon as he closes the door behind him, I send him a text.

  LURVED your outfit, it’s the new dress code for visiting me ;)

  Some minutes later a response arrives.

  Dare you to top it …

  I did top it, later that night, by showing up at his doorstep wearing nothing but my birthday suit. I think that at that moment I became his favorite person on the entire planet.

  We’re back to being us.

  ~~~

  “Why are you so fidgety?” Reeves asks outsides the Evan’s threshold, tugging on my hand.

  “It feels like I’m meeting your family for the first time.”

  His lips twitch before he dips to leave an airy kiss on my temple. “They are my family, and you don’t have to be nervous. They’re pretty cool.” His eyes enfold me with fondness. “Thank you for coming with me, and,” he shakes his head, lips in a delighted arch, “you look great.”

  He squeezes my hand and I send him a light smile, looking at him from under my lashes. Funny, I’ve noticed that the more casually I’m dressed the more he seems to appreciate my looks. I went with a neutral colored blouse, black capris, and nude flats.

  Reeves knocks on the door which quickly opens to reveal an elegant, curvy lady with the kindest blue eyes. Mrs. Evans’ smile at Reeves warms my heart. It’s motherly and genuine.

  “I missed you.” She folds her arms around his waist, closing her eyes in pleasure. He reciprocates, letting her hug him for as long as she wishes. I watch them till Mrs. Evans lets go of him and turns to look at me kindly, and with unmasked curiosity.