RETRACE

by Ehrlich, Sigal

  “What did you expect?” he asks, mildly annoyed. “You don’t keep a chick like Nia on the back burner.” I grimace and he takes it as a cue to continue his lecture. “Either you have your head stuck so deep inside your ass, or you’re into someone else, like Katie… Otherwise, I can’t, for the love of fuck, understand why you haven’t grabbed Nia by now and told her you want her.”

  “What does Katie have to do with it?”

  “Do you want Katie?”

  “No.” That I’m certain of.

  “Then why do you stop yourself from getting to the next level with Nia? It’s more than obvious to everyone around that the girl has the greatest crush in the history of crushes on you.” My lips reflexively jump up, hearing this. “She is in love with you, you fucking, blind idiot.”

  I roll my eyes. “And this comes from the man who screws through the yellow pages while fantasizing about his ex-wife? Excuse me if I don’t run and embrace what you’re preaching.”

  “I’m the opposite of the person you want to pick a fight with, Reeves.” We have a short stare down till Jake breaks it. “You don’t have to embrace anything I say. In the meantime, your dream girl, who fucking wants you, is on a date with some tool. Yeah, you’re doin’ a gnarly job by yourself.”

  I process what he just told me in silence.

  “Let’s review the shit we’re supposed to and then you’ll go somewhere to chill off,” Jake says and I nod, still explosively irritated.

  “I guess we are done,” Jake concludes about an hour later, after we’ve reviewed bios of new prospects and recruits and went over some ongoing projects.

  I stretch back onto the chair, dropping my propped legs from the desk. “I’ll hang out at the bar with Dan, you coming?”

  “Later, I need to get rid of some emails.” Jake pivots my way and studies me for a long moment. “You okay?”

  I blink in affirmation and stand up. “Thanks, man,” I say, and head to the door. Jake drops his head in an exaggerated nod, his straight strands covering his eyes.

  I set the empty shot glass next to the one I emptied less than ten minutes ago. Dan leans closer behind the wooden plank, gazing at me before he speaks.

  “Another?”

  I shake my head.

  “Get you something else?”

  “Water.”

  “Hey handsome.” Eileen plops into the stool next to mine, draping her hand on my back in a semi-hug. “What’s up with the mood? You snippy ‘cause Nia is here with someone?”

  I cock my head, my forehead creasing. “Here?”

  She tips her chin toward the small dance floor next to the stage. I slowly turn to where she gestures. Nia and the fish-twat are standing, swaying, next to the band, seeming to be in deep conversation. When Nia drops her head back laughing in genuine enjoyment, my hands roll into fists. Her date sets his drink on a table and takes Nia’s hand, pulling her after him. She smiles and they start dancing to the song in the background. My blood sizzles in my veins.

  “Hey.” Eileen’s hand drops to my thigh. Reluctantly, I turn my head back. “So you guys are not together? I thought you were.”

  “No, we never were.” I signal for Dan to get me another shot.

  “Oh.” She keeps silent for a beat. “I need to talk to Jake, coming back in five.” Not that I really care.

  I turn back to someone’s hand on my shoulder. It takes me a minute to recall who the voluptuous redhead grinning at me invitingly might be. When she slowly licks her lips, the recognition clicks in; it’s the stalker-redhead I almost did in the toilets a few months ago. This one has a tendency to appear out of thin air whenever I feel like kicking anything alive. “Hi. How are you?” She asks, shoving her tits in my face.

  “Good.” I down my drink, knocking the empty glass on the bar with a thump. I shift my head to look behind her, at Nia and her date. I can feel the vein in my forehead popping when his hand pulls her deeper into him.

  “You want to dance?”

  My eyes move from her to the cozy show the dating couple puts on and back. For a span of moment Nia lifts her eyes and our stares collide in flames.

  “Yeah, let’s dance.” I tug the playboy bunny after me.

  “Oh, let me just get rid of …” She leaves her drink on one of the round tables we pass, trying to keep up with my rapid steps as we make our way to the dance floor.

  Just like I suspected, my dance companion doesn’t fail me and starts grazing against me as soon as we reach the space next to the stage. Nia’s eyes round as she sees me a few steps from her with my eager dancer. Once Red turns her back to me and rubs her ass against my groin, Nia’s eyes become wild. She narrows them at me and turns to pull the same maneuver on her more than thrilled date.

  I spin whatever her name is by her hand, grab her ass, and pin her to me, her gigantic tits smashing against my chest. Nia grimaces and moves to press her cheek to Fishman’s chest. When she turns to him and starts giving him a standing lap dance, I almost lose it. We each scrape against our partners while having an angry stare off.

  I’m infuriated by this point, every time Nia’s body gets as close to his, another seam of my nerves tears. Dancing with our partners, through flickering lights, loud music and smoke, our eyes play war. A sudden epiphany illuminates in my head, we are having a fight. Wordless, but nonetheless, a fight. A serious one it seems, hitting each other with blows below the belt using other people. I’m not sure how it started, not sure what caused Nia to fucking flip on me in the first place. I’m not even sure what about, but it couldn’t burn more. Who am I kidding? It God damn cuts me to the bone.

  I loathe it.

  A new song begins and our moves slowly turn into dry humping. Pulses of anger travel through my blood seeing Nia like that with someone else. Sparks are flying from the intensity of our stares. Nia is the first to break our stare, not long after the lady grazing her assets on me, kisses me. Nia casts her eyes down, gloom washing over her delicate face. My next breath is a sharp intake. Nia’s sudden sadness calls for a fracture to expand within me. Immediately, I let go of Red. Drops of panic infiltrate my anger.

  Nia says something next to her date’s ear. From where I stand, it appears she tries to ease him off her. She speaks again and he shakes his head with a smile. When she sends her hands to his chest and pushes him, I can hear my heart hammering in my ears in tandem to a heat wave that covers me.

  It’s when one of his hands pull Nia tighter, and his other grabs a fist full of her ass that I see red. All the anger I’ve been carrying in me explodes at once. Seeing only Nia in front of me, I push whoever is in my way till I’m inches away from her alarmed face. I clutch her date from behind and throw him to the floor. I bend to grab him by his shirt next, my eyes slicing his.

  Something takes over me. Something dark and fierce that’s channeled to my fist before it hits the guy’s nose. I can sense the crack of bone against my knuckles. I keep holding him as he loses balance. My next blow meets his side and he groans, jerking back. Shut off from my surroundings, I pummel him repeatedly. Nia’s cry at the same time as someone grabs me from behind finally stop my trance.

  “Have you lost your mind? What have you done?” Nia screams at me, terror dominating her eyes.

  I try to shake off the hold on me, only to learn both Jake and Ted are dragging me backwards. Nia sinks to the floor on her knees next to her, now bleeding, date, petrified. Because of me…

  “Get him out of here,” Jake orders before joining Nia on the floor to check the damage I’ve caused.

  “Come, let’s get some fresh air,” Ted mutters, his hand hooked around my shoulder. I let him guide me out.

  My mind works in slow motion as I try to calm down my erratic breathing and the insanity that took over me.

  “What the fuck, dude?” Ted asks as we reach the night’s crisp air. I shake my head and slump back against the concrete wall, tipping my head back with shut eyes. I push in a heavy breath through my nose. What have I done?

&
nbsp; “What were you thinking?” I snap my eyes open at Jake’s bark. He gazes at me, the muscle above his jaw noticeably ticking.

  “I wasn’t.” My voice comes out low and regretful. Jake observes me for a few beats. “What’s the damage?”

  “Broken nose. Probably a beautiful shiner come morning. He’ll survive…” His eyes still assessing me. “You totally lost it…”

  I nod, true. “He grabbed her against her will.”

  “Still, there are ways to deal with situations, Reeves.” Jake shakes his head, dips his hand to his jeans pockets and coldly says, “You need to sort your shit out.”

  I nod once more.

  “I hope for your sake he doesn’t press charges.”

  I clench my teeth so hard, my jaw starts to throb. “Where’s Nia?”

  “In my office with the guy.”

  I inhale through the stab in my chest, pushing myself off the wall, taking a step toward the bar.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” Jake moves to block my path.

  “To see her.”

  “No, you don’t. I’m not letting you inside tonight. Go home, Reeves. Calm the fuck down first.”

  “I’m not going anywhere before I talk to her.”

  Jake narrows his eyes at me, rubbing his prickled jaw. “I’ll get her out here,” he says through a sigh.

  “Thanks.”

  He shakes his head again, in frustration this time. “You and me are going to have a serious talk tomorrow.” He disappears behind the bar’s heavy door.

  Minutes drag by as I wait for Nia to come out. A message from Jake on my phone about ten minutes later clears things up:

  She doesn’t want to talk to you right now. Go home.

  I don’t. Knowing Jake, I’m more than positive he tried his best to get her out here. Just like I’m sure he took care of the wounded Fish-guy.

  I’m not sure even how much time has passed when Nia comes out of the bar with Eileen. I tilt my head that’s been resting on the wall, consumed by thoughts and worry. I came to two conclusions while beating myself up, waiting;

  I need to go back to therapy.

  I want Nia to be mine like I’ve never wanted anything before.

  “Nia.” I take a few steps forward to reach her. She scowls, seeming disoriented and shaken. “Wait up… I need to talk to you.”

  She crosses her lightly trembling arms over her chest. “I don’t want to speak to you now.”

  “Nia…” I send my hand to her arm, making her flinch and jolt back.

  “Don’t touch me,” she says firmly, a tear leaving her eye. My heart leaps to my throat, as I watch the tear roll down her cheek.

  “I’m sorry, can I take you home? Can we talk? I need to talk to you.” I beg.

  More tears drop from her eyes and she bites her lip. Ice trickles down my back at the fear in her eyes. And once she starts to talk, words gush out of her mouth in a stream, each word like a wrecking ball swing to my gut.

  “Don’t take me home. I don’t want to talk to you. What have you done? You scare me. I don’t want to be near you.” Her hand moves to hug her waist. She stares at me for a stretched moment with an air of dejection. When I open my mouth to speak, she shakes her head and starts running away from me. Panic enfolds me and my legs buckle up as I gaze at her getting away. Once I snap out of my shock and am about to follow her, I’m stopped by Eileen’s hold on my hand.

  “Let her calm down,” Eileen says, still holding me firmly. I shake her grip off.

  “I need to talk to her.” I take off after Nia.

  Chapter 26

  Nia

  I seal out Reeves’ calls and his hard knocks on my door. My heart is not aching, it’s bleeding. A sense of immense loss smothers me, a loss of the one person who made me feel alive again, the one person who made me feel. My friend, my lover. A person that I can’t deny, I’ve fallen so deeply for. With every heavy step that I take in the direction of the bathroom the bitter illness spreads quicker than it used to for a very long while now.

  I’ve been, to some degree, controlling my grieving episodes, they’ve been somehow calculated and restrained. For a while they even disappeared, Reeves made them disappear together with my nightmares. But whatever is taking over me right now is stronger, it overpowers any ability I may have to be sensible. Tears erupt from my eyes uncontrollably. Acid climbs up my throat and I gasp for air.

  The bathroom door banging against the wall shakes the apartment as I slam it open. I turn the shower on, wait for the heavy steam to veil the glass, and step inside. I flinch at the first encounter with the fiery cascade. Soaking up the water, my clothes cling to my body in burning dampness. I fall to my knees and cover my face with both hands, rocking back and forth on my bent legs. And this time the images and voices come in a clarity that overwhelms me, it’s so real, I’m back in my room, in my bed, hearing the news about Patrick.

  My mother’s sharp cry, my father’s broken authoritative timbre as he tries to calm her down. Sounds of footsteps, a duet of light and heavy cricking on the old stairs leading to my room. Their faces as they appear in my doorway, a sight of fatality. My heart accelerates, and the familiar hopelessness and immense pain sinks in and feasts on my soul.

  Their heavy, stretched, almost unreal voices as they tell me what happened. As they tell me Patrick took his own life. They tell me, and I conjure the visions before my eyes. I see nurses in white uniform running to his room. I see an illuminated bathroom with a twisted sheet dangling from a high showerhead. I can even smell the medicine mixed with soup scent the facility he was kept in always had.

  It turns my stomach. Silent cries of desperation that leave my mouth blend with the murmur of the falling water. I shake my head, crying for losing him, crying because it was me who killed him. It was me who made him die. Crying because I need Reeves. My skin stings with the heat of the water that covers me now from head to toe. My clothes feel heavy, drained with the scorching water. I can’t take it anymore. I can not. I need Reeves, I need him to take it all away, because this time, it’s bigger than me. I can’t handle it anymore. Panicked, I step out of the shower and rush to the front door.

  I run up the stairs to the level above, leaving a trail of puddles that drip from my sodden attire. I knock at the door once and it opens to a display of anxiety, concern and tenderness in Reeves’ eyes as they look back at me. Without saying a single word, he wraps me in his arms, covering me with every muscle, sensitivity, warmth, and security that is him. I let out a painful cry. Sobbing, I meld into him. For a long moment he lets me hide inside his shielding hug. He says nothing, but radiates an abundance of protective strength as he lifts me to be held in his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist, my face buried in his neck as he carries me to his bedroom.

  He releases me gently till I’m standing on both feet before him. He leaves me for less than a breath and comes back to tower over me. Reeves drops to his knees and slowly takes off my shoes, one after the other. He unties my sweater and lets it slide to the floor. With nothing but a gentle stare, he starts peeling my clothes off, piece by piece. With a soft towel he dries my glowing, red skin. A twitch of pain hovers over his features as the harm I’ve caused myself is revealed to him.

  In one swift move he peels his own shirt over his head, the shirt I’ve managed to wet in a matter of a few stretched moments. He takes me in his arms again and carries me to the bed. Reeves lays me on my side and slides to embrace me from behind, so close, till our bodies unite in a human puzzle. He lifts the blanket over us and deepens his embrace around me. Painful sobs inflamed with uncontainable shudders and pants leave me as I let myself melt into his hold.

  “I’m here for you,” he whispers to my ear in a low, soothing, voice. His healing embrace on me tightens. He leaves a soft kiss on the crown of my head. I turn around and melt into him, burrowing my face in his neck, crying into his warm skin. I cling to him so desperately, as though he is my source of life. Which in a way he is, he is the only one t
hat can take my pain away. It feels like I’ll never be as protected if I ever let go.

  “Cry it out.” He kisses the top of my head, his voice rasp yet gentle. “I know it’s painful. Cry. I’m not leaving you.” He deepens his hold on me, reassuring my broken heart. He dismantles me, slowly and painstakingly. Layer after layer, he peels off my barriers and clothes until I’m naked—physically and emotionally, naked. I am completely bared before him, body and soul. It's a blanket he covers me with, but I know it's his heart that wraps me to truly feel as warm and protected as I finally do.

  For the first time since forever, I cry with all my heart. For the first time, no one tries to sooth me and tell me it's going to be okay. Because it will never be okay. Patrick will never live again. He'll never laugh with me again. He'll never be mine again.

  Even though Reeves has no idea what I’m crying about, he seems to understand me, to know exactly how it feels, and what I need from him, and from myself. And he lets me do it, silently absorbing my grief, not even once attempting to stop me.

  I’m weak and weary by the time I am left with no more tears to shed. I feel empty but in a liberating way. As the room falls silent, Reeves turns to lie on his back and slides me on top of him so we are chest to chest, heart to heart. He kisses me softly.

  “I’m sorry I’ve scared you,” he says, oceans of remorse in his eyes backing his words.

  “You cannot be violent ever again.”

  He nods in determined affirmation. “Talk to me.” His voice is so supple and caring, gently crumbling the remains of my walls.

  “I killed my brother.” I gasp.

  Reeves’ brows pull in. His body slightly edges below me, but he doesn’t let go.

  “He is dead because of me.” We are both silent for a pause. Reeves kisses me again, this time even softer. “Patrick was five years older than me. He was also my best friend. We played together all the time as kids, we fought a lot, made each other’s lives a living hell from time to time, like any siblings are meant to, but always loved each other very much. I looked up to him. He was my smart, beautiful, caring big brother. When we grew up I was even a part of his gang—I used to go out with him and his friends. …” A knot tightens in my stomach and I close my eyes. “Manic depression can be controlled, the symptoms are usually harmless to everyone beside the person suffering from the disease. But there are times…