Hate to Love You

by Tijan

  that area.”

  He stopped tracing my palm and held my hands between his. “Thank goodness for that, huh?”

  I gazed at our hands, my mind in memories. “He was arrogant, but I didn’t notice. Not at first.”

  He asked me for coffee. I thought how mature he must’ve thought I was. But no. He knew exactly the effect of his charm. A mere freshman being asked out by a senior.

  I had swooned.

  “We went on a few dates before anything happened. I thought maybe he was scared to make a move, since most guys were. You know, because of Gage.” I could only shake my head. “That was so far from the truth. He was biding his time. He wanted me to fall completely in love with him.” A bitter laugh slipped out. “I found out later that he had a timetable. He wanted to make sure I was under his thumb by the time Christmas came around. Blake had been gone on a work thing. He was coming back then, and he wanted to meet my new boyfriend. Parker told me to keep it as a surprise. He thought Blake would get a kick out of it, so I never said his name. I was vague on the details, too. Blake just knew there was a guy.”

  “He didn’t ask Gage?”

  “Gage didn’t know how much Blake hated Parker. Blake kept everything a secret. We didn’t find out what happened until later.”

  So, I told him.

  Parker was a year younger than Blake, but he was still leader of the debate team, Yearbook Jr. Editor, and then Senior Editor later on, and in all sorts of academic events.

  He was captain of the swimming and boys tennis team.

  Blake was the opposite.

  He excelled at partying, football, wrestling, and baseball. They were both popular, but Blake ran with friends who didn’t fight with words. They fought with their hands, and one night at a party, the two went at it. It didn’t matter that Parker was younger.

  Blake humiliated him.

  Parker was stripped of his clothes. The guys were laughing at him. There was an incident about running through a field where they chased him like he was a deer.

  It wasn’t right, and I heard enough to be horrified.

  The police charged my brother, and he did a year of probation. He never went to college, instead he stayed home and got a job with a local construction company.

  “You didn’t know it was Parker?”

  I shook my head. “I knew about the incident, but I never knew it was Parker. I might’ve heard, but I was four years younger than Blake. I only knew his friends. I didn’t know anyone else in his grade. I just knew it had been some guy.”

  “I’m sorry.” Shay squeezed my hands, dropping a soft kiss to them.

  I relished that small graze before I kept going. “It was like a bomb went off when Blake did get home. Parker came over for a dinner, a kind of ‘meet the parents’ thing, but it was Blake he was meeting. My mom was meeting him for the first time, too.”

  Yelling.

  Dishes shattered.

  My mom yelped in surprise, and that stopped Blake from flinging a chair into the wall. He lowered it and pointed to the door. “Get out! NOW!”

  “Parker left that night. So did I.” I met Shay’s eyes, saw the sympathy there, and knew I didn’t deserve it. “I chose sides that night. I chose Parker’s.”

  “Kenz,” Shay murmured, rubbing my hand between his. “You can’t blame yourself. You were a kid. He was playing a game with you.”

  “I lost the game. He slept with my best friend a month later. I walked in on them. He had her bent over the bed, and they dated for the rest of the year.” I could see them walking down the hallways, holding hands. “They laughed at me, almost every time they saw me for the rest of the year.”

  “What an asshole.”

  It still stung. I felt it in my side. “Yeah.”

  “Hey.” His voice grew husky. He tipped my head up to meet his eyes. “Nothing right will happen for him. You know that, right? If he did that shit back in high school, he’ll do worse now. He’ll keep going until something bad happens to him. Guys like that get fucked in the end. They always do.”

  No. They didn’t always, but I did feel a bit better. “Thank you for that.”

  “For what?”

  I shrugged. “For making some of the regret go away.”

  “That?” He waved that off, standing. “That was nothing.”

  I leaned back.

  He started to crawl onto the bed.

  I scooted farther back, making room for him, and after I was all the way to the headboard, he paused. He rested his legs over me, but he didn’t sit down. He was half-kneeling over me, bending down so we were looking each other in the eyes.

  He dropped his voice, almost to a whisper. “We’re not really a serious kind of couple. I mean, we can be.”

  We shared a look, both thinking of my attack.

  He kept on, “But you know what I mean. You made me laugh from the beginning.” He cupped the side of my face, his thumb brushing over my cheek, lingering by my lips. “The feistier you got, the more I became entranced. I wanted to push your buttons. I wanted to see life flood to your eyes, make your face warm. I wanted to see the sparkle come back. It was like it took over you. It transformed you. Like you were on autopilot until something I said or did pissed you off. It could’ve been just a look, or hell, if I put my foot on the back of your chair.”

  I stiffened. “I hated that.”

  “See.” He chuckled, his eyes damn near melting me. “A switch flipped on just now. You’re here. You’re fine. You’re normal, and then you get mad, and it’s as if you glow. You light up the room.” He rested on the bed beside me, catching me and turning me so I was half-lying on him. He brushed some of my hair back, and I tilted my head to see him better.

  I asked, “I’m like a neon light?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Are you kidding me? That’s your romantic speech?”

  “Romantic speech? We have to do speeches now in this relationship?” He sat up, caught my waist, and lifted me to straddle him.

  I gazed down at him, resting my hands on his stomach. He leaned back, folding his hands behind his head. He looked like he was a king and didn’t have a care in the world at that moment.

  “Maybe we should.” I raised my chin up in a challenge. “Maybe you have to tell me five good things about me every da—”

  “Sexy. Hot.” He was listing them off with his fingers. “Funny. Smart. Spunky.” His grin turned smug. “Your turn.”

  I laughed, finishing, “—ay, and I’ll do the same for you.”

  He sat up again, taking me by surprise, but he only ran his hands down my arms to my waist. They slid up under my shirt, and he angled his head to look me in the eyes. Our lips were only inches apart. “You’re supposed to compliment me, Clarke.”

  “Ha-ha.” But I was game. “Fine. You’re sexy and hot.”

  “Think of new words. Don’t copy mine.”

  I changed without missing a beat. “Handsome and drool-worthy gorgeous—”

  “Much better.” His smile grew.

  My body heated as his hand began to explore, moving farther up my back. I added, hitching on a note, “You’re smart. Kind. You support me.”

  “You know what else I’m good at?”

  “What?” His hand circled over my ribs and slipped under my bra before cupping my breast. I had a good idea what he was going to say, but I waited.

  I loved waiting.

  He murmured huskily, “I’m damned good in bed.”

  His lips covered mine, and the past fled from my mind.

  Everything fled, clothes included.

  I was in my new dorm floor’s bathroom, getting ready for bed. It was later that night, around two in the morning, so it was technically the next day. Kristina and Casey came over and watched movies in the living room with Linde and the same group of friends. Shay and I joined after another hour spent in bed, and the whole night had been fun. Beer. Pizza. Movies. And laughter, lots of laughter. Linde’s friends, whoever they were, had been nice. A few
of the girls gave me a dark look when Shay pulled me onto his lap, but some of their other roommates joined us and the girls were distracted in no time.

  Shay drove us back. Casey left her car there since she and Kristina both had a few too many beers. They were in the room now, laughing about something on the computer, but I was actually tired. I grabbed my bathroom caddy and was finishing up when a girl came in.

  She went down a few sinks from mine.

  I gave her the hello smile when she first came in, but I hadn’t spoken. I felt her attention after a few seconds. She kept looking over, until she was done washing her hands. Then, she just stood there. Her face was turned toward me, her hands resting on the sink.

  “You’re dating Shay Coleman.” She added, “You’re his girlfriend. You’re the one who got attacked last semester.”

  I hadn’t been expecting that, but a feeling that I knew her took root in me.

  Maybe?

  There was nothing that stood out about her.

  She was slender, hair that went past her shoulders, and brown eyes. Her eyes were set a little too far apart and her nose seemed a little too big for her face. She had thin lips.

  I tried to remember . . .

  “Have we met before?”

  “No.”

  Oh.

  “Okay.” I swallowed over a lump. “What’s your name?”

  “What’s yours?” She didn’t pause a beat. She came right back with that question, and she didn’t blink. She was looking at me like we were talking about the weather, but she didn’t care if a tornado was coming right for at us or not.

  Something shifted in my stomach, a gut instinct. I clamped down on it. I didn’t need to make enemies on my first night in this dorm.

  “I think you know my name.”

  She narrowed her eyes for a split second before she broke out into a grin. “You’re right. I do. You’re Gage Clarke’s sister, too.”

  People had been talking about me since my attack. It was known I was with Shay, and I knew people would include who my brother was in the gossip. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but this girl was coming at me in a different way.

  She was being smug about knowing who I was, while I didn’t know her. That didn’t sit right with me.

  “Well, aren’t you the busy bee, knowing all about me.” I turned to face her squarely, though I didn’t step toward her. I was content with the little bit of space there was between us, and the door was behind me. I’d swing it open and use it to clip her in the head if anything happened.

  “What’d you say?”

  “You heard me.” I folded my arms over my chest, still holding my toothbrush. “I can find out who you are, if that’s what you’re thinking. All I have to do is ask the floor advisor what girl would know all about me, who came a day earlier like we did. Something tells me she’d know exactly whom I was talking about.”

  But I knew her. I couldn’t shake that feeling. I just didn’t know where from.

  There was more, too. A feeling in my gut, like I should’ve been remembering something else.

  I couldn’t place it.

  Her lip curved up, breaking the oddly stone-facial expression into a grin. “I’m Phoebe, Cameron Brewski’s sister. I know Shay from high school.”

  Another sideways punch. Okay. I didn’t know her. I would’ve remembered that tidbit. “Not what I was expecting you to say.”

  She laughed. “I’m not here to start a fight. I was just letting you know that I know you in case you ever wanted to talk. I’m a few doors down from you and your roommates.”

  “You’ve met my roommates?”

  “I heard them. You guys were loud tonight.”

  I flinched. “We woke you up.” I noticed her pajama pants and shirt, and how she wasn’t carrying a bathroom caddy, because she’d already been in bed. “I’m sorry about that.”

  She shook her head. “It’s fine. I’d tell you to tell Shay hello for me, but that’d be pointless. He never knew who I was in school.”

  “Uh.” I frowned. “I’m sure he did. I’ll tell him.”

  She stood there for another second and then abruptly went into one of the bathroom stalls. I headed out and was walking back to the room when I heard her flush and the stall door open again. I could hear the squeak, but I was going in my room when I heard the bathroom door swing open.

  Casey had Kristina in a headlock, both flushed in the face and sweating. They paused, looked at me, and nope. I wasn’t going there. I walked right past, put my caddy away, grabbed my phone, and crawled under the covers.

  They resumed their wrestling so I put in two earplugs and texted Shay.

  Me: I’m sleeping at your place tomorrow night.

  Coleman: Okay. Going to sleep now?

  Me: Yes.

  Coleman: Wanna do some sexting?

  I grinned.

  Me: No. It’ll wake me up.

  Coleman: You sure? I can take pictures.

  Me: Don’t send me a di— Before I could finish my text, my phone buzzed, and a picture of a penis was right there. I finished my text, —ck. Is that yours?

  I could envision him grinning.

  Coleman: You think I have a file of other dick pics to send in an off-chance you’d ever ask for one?

  Me: Yes.

  Coleman: You know me so well, but what do you think? Mine’s better, right?

  I grinned to myself, feeling the slight tension from meeting the girl fade away. Suddenly, the wrestling sounds weren’t as loud, and my bed was becoming comfier. I snuggled down, tucking the cover up over my chin.

  Me: You know it is.

  Coleman: Still don’t want to do some dirty sexting?

  I laughed softly.

  Me: Touch yourself.

  Coleman: You first.

  Me: I already am.

  Coleman: You are? Pic?

  I made a face.

  Me: Gross. No.

  Coleman: Okay. I have a good memory. I’m remembering right now.

  Me: Still touching yourself?

  Coleman: Wishing it were you.

  I groaned, and my fingers moved lower on my stomach.

  Me: Are you really touching yourself?

  Coleman: Aren’t you?

  I couldn’t believe I was doing this, but I pushed two fingers into me, between my folds, and bit down on my lip.

  Me: I am now.

  Coleman: Fuck.

  I widened my eyes. That was all he was going to say?

  Me: That’s it? Serious?

  Coleman: I’m driving to pick you up right now. Get dressed.