Hate to Love You

by Tijan

  We moved forward with the line. We were three people away, and I began to scan the boards to figure out what I wanted to order.

  “You and Shay are doing good?”

  I remembered the moment just minutes ago in his Jeep, where I didn’t want to talk about my attack, but should, and that I was falling in love with him. My throat burned again. I could relate to Casey not wanting to get hurt. “We have fun together.”

  “Just fun?”

  I nodded. “Fun. Sex. Talking. The whole thing. He was really great after my attack last semester.”

  I could feel her watching me.

  One person away.

  Fuck. I needed to find something to order.

  “What’s going on here? I’m missing something.”

  I said, “I’m missing what I want to eat. You guys ordered pizza. I could eat that, too, maybe?”

  “What’s going on with you?”

  The last person stepped aside. It was my turn. The guy had a pad of paper ready for my order. Shit, shit, shit. I was under the gun.

  “Just a soda.”

  He wrote it down and then rang it up on the register. “You sure? Nothing else?”

  My thoughts were scrambled so I said the first thing I read from the board, “Mozzarella sticks.”

  “Okay.” He gave me the total, and I handed over my cash. After he gave me the empty cup to fill, I moved to stand by the window and wait for them to call my order. I’d forgotten this was how the diner operated, but Kristina waited with me.

  I suggested, “You can go back. You don’t have to wait with me.”

  She snorted. “Right, and let you get off the hook? I think not.” She nudged me with her shoulder. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing.” Which was the truth. Kind of. Then I blurted out, “I love him.”

  “You love Shay?”

  “No.” I threw her a look. “I love Linde. We have a wild and forbidden passion for each other. Of course, it’s Shay. He’s the guy I’m dating.”

  “I know.” She held her hands up. “You hold your cards close to your chest. I just wanted to make sure.”

  I felt like an ass right away. “I’m sorry. I—fuck! I’m . . . I don’t know. I just realized it, but I should’ve known long ago.” This was why I hated him. This was why I’d been adamant about not befriending him, about not being in a study group with him, about not looking at him, talking to him, anything.

  Because I knew, deep inside, that I was going to fall in love with him. I felt a lump forming in my throat again. That hated feeling was back, but it was different. It had a whole twisted side to it because it was me, hating that I loved him.

  I was so fucked.

  They called my mozzarella sticks. I blindly took them back to the booth.

  The girls were happy, descending on them until only one was left for me. Kristina hadn’t said anything else, sensing the shitstorm going on inside me, but I felt her watching me the whole time during the meal.

  I left the last mozzarella stick.

  I never ate any of the pizza.

  Even my soda was left untouched. I dumped the whole thing out when we left.

  The girls wanted to check their mail, and I trudged behind them, lost in my own thoughts.

  Casey persuaded them to come to our room with us afterwards and we were turning down our hallway when Sabrina appeared. The very gorgeous front desk clerk of our old dorm and the very beautiful ex-girlfriend of Shay, was coming toward us.

  No.

  There was no way I could get hurt.

  There was no way Shay would suddenly realize he made a mistake with me and remember that maybe he should be with her instead?

  There was no way . . .

  “Hey, guys.” She had a friendly smile and wave.

  God. She was even more beautiful than I remembered. Why’d Shay have to date such beautiful creatures? And kind. I could tell. She’d always been so nice before, and it was there again. She was so much nicer than I was. I was brash, mean, feisty, and I could be rude at times. I had good qualities, too, but they weren’t on the surface like hers.

  Suddenly, I felt very small standing next to her.

  I forced a smile.

  The rest said an easy hello, heading to the room, but I was rooted in place. This girl had once been with Shay. It shouldn’t bother me, but it did.

  She noticed I wasn’t leaving. A soft frown formed. “You okay?”

  “Did you love him?”

  Her eyes widened a fraction of an inch. “Oh.” She blinked a few times. “You know, huh?”

  I nodded, my neck feeling like it was made of wood. “Yeah.”

  She cleared her throat. “We could talk in one of the waiting rooms? It’ll be more private.”

  “Sure.” My legs felt like they were made of wood, too, as I followed behind her. The whole twisty effect in my stomach was full-force and on steroids. I didn’t know why I was so scared. Shay said he let the relationship go, so what was my damage here? Why was I insecure around her?

  “Here.” She found a private sitting area and sat in an archaic-looking armchair. It was dusty rose colored, and something you’d find in a Victorian-era home. She folded her hands on her lap, her back so straight, and her shoulders rolled back. She looked so prim and proper, she matched the chair.

  “So.” She smoothed out the bottom of her shirt, spreading it over her legs. “You know about Shay and me then?”

  “I met your boyfriend, too.”

  “He mentioned that, said you and Shay looked happy together.” She swallowed, her slim throat moving with the motion.

  She didn’t like hearing that. I could tell.

  This was what I’d been worried about. It wasn’t Shay. It was her. “You still have feelings for him.”

  She sucked in her breath, but her eyes said everything.

  “Yeah,” I murmured. “That’s what I thought.”

  “It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t love me.”

  “He doesn’t love me, either.”

  Her eyebrows pinched together, and she spoke so softly, “But you’re together?”

  I shrugged. I’d had my heart ripped out before. I wouldn’t put anything past anyone. “He cares.”

  “Cameron told me that you two fit. Those were his words.”

  Why did it bother me that she still loved him? It shouldn’t. She was the ex-girlfriend. He wasn’t going to go back. My insecurity was unfounded.

  “You don’t fit?” Sabrina had been watching me, confused.

  “We do. Ironically.”

  “Why ironically? That’s good, right?”

  She hadn’t said much, but I had to ask. “Did he break you?”

  “Oh.” Understanding dawned, and she looked down to her lap. Her bottom lip trembled slightly. “He, uh . . . not completely, but yes. He kind of did.”

  I remembered his account of why they broke up. “Because he cheated on you?”

  She laughed, such a sad twinge to it. “No, because he let me think he did.”

  My eyes rounded. “You knew the truth?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. I knew the other girl. She told me what really happened, that she kissed him, and he didn’t push her away immediately. She found me later and told me the truth. He waited a second before stepping away from her. She pursued him after that, and that’s when he really put a stop to it. She knew what people were saying and wanted me to know the truth. I respect her for telling me and apologizing, but he let me think it was about the cheating. I knew it was over even before I brought it up to him, just because he didn’t care to. He never told me about the girl. He let me find out on my own, and he still didn’t say anything. I had to bring it up. I had to ask him about it.” She looked down. Her hands were gripping each other so tightly. “He just said he’d be okay if I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.”

  There was no fight on his end.

  “He just—there was nothing there. I didn’t have the heart to admit the truth. I
loved him, but he enjoyed my company. That was our relationship.” She flicked a tear away. “We could’ve gone on longer. I don’t think he would’ve broken up with me, but that wasn’t fair to me.”

  She loved him while he enjoyed her presence.

  I couldn’t get over those words. They were on repeat in my mind.

  Shit.

  Was that how he and I were?

  I loved him. I think I had loved him from the beginning, even from the first day I walked into that class.

  I reached over and clasped her hands with mine. “I’m sorry.”

  She laughed again, sniffling, and squeezed my hands back. “What for? Shay cares about you.”

  I nodded. He did.

  “And I’m with Cameron now. I love him. I really do.”

  She didn’t. I could see that in her eyes, too. She loved him because he cared back, but it wasn’t the real gut-wrenching type of love, the kind she felt for Shay.

  My chest was so damned tight. I had to change the topic, or lighten it somehow. I was starting not to be able to breathe.

  “I met Cameron’s sister last night.”

  “Yeah.” She smiled, letting out a deep breath. “That’s why I’m here. I was just visiting with her a little bit. Cameron goes to school an hour away, so he comes up every now and then, but he doesn’t always see his little sister. The two should connect more. It’s always weird with them. I don’t get it.”

  A faraway look came over her before her eyes focused on me again. “I was sorry to hear you moved dorms. I enjoyed our random hellos.”

  I frowned. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop and talk more.”

  “Oh.” She waved that off before going back to smoothing out the bottom of her shirt. “I know what it’s like. I was usually studying.”

  “You had my back with Shay once.”

  “Yeah.” She touched my knee, a soft reassuring touch. “I can see you’re worried about something, but you don’t have to be. Your relationship with Shay isn’t what I had with him. I already know that. If I’d been attacked, Shay would’ve comforted me. That’s it. He would’ve been there for me to cry on his shoulder, and he would’ve been the doting and supportive boyfriend, and everyone would’ve thought how perfect he was being. But he wouldn’t have done what he did for you. He really cares about you.”

  She said cares. Even she couldn’t say he loved me.

  I forced a smile, feeling a burning sensation in my chest. “You’re right. I really care about him, too.”

  “See.” Her smile grew. “I might be seeing you a bit more here than I did in the other dorm. I come over to see Phoebe a lot.” She stood, and we made our way back to the main front entrance. Her step was a little lighter, and she spoke a bit more freely. “Now, if she wants to see me is a different story. I think she’s lonely. I don’t want her to feel that way. Sometimes she lets me stay. Sometimes she doesn’t.”

  She waved a goodbye, saying she’d see me later.

  I was rooted in place. Again.

  She was a good person. She was beautiful on the inside and outside, and it hit me. If Shay hadn’t loved someone like her, what chance did I have?

  “What’s going on with you?” Shay asked me later that night. We were studying in his room. He was at his desk while I was stretched out on his bed. We were both dressed in lounging clothes. He had on a shirt and sweatpants, but I went the boy-shorts route. They were hidden underneath a large sweater that hung on me like a dress.

  After talking to Sabrina, I tried to shake my insecurities off.

  Shay wasn’t Parker.

  I wasn’t going to become Sabrina.

  Right?

  I kept trying to reassure myself, but it was useless. For whatever reason—maybe the fact that I admitted to myself I was falling for him—my irrational sense of doom hung over me like a storm cloud. I couldn’t shake it, and seeing the puzzled look on Shay’s gorgeous face, I thought, fuck it.

  I sat up, crossing my legs over each other. I faced him squarely from the bed. “Are you going to hurt me?”

  His eyes widened. He’d been holding a pen in his hand, but it dropped to the floor. “What? Where did that come from?”

  “You heard me.”

  I was watching.

  I was waiting.

  But no reaction, other than his shock. I didn’t see any flicker of guilt in his eyes, and I instantly felt stupid. I needed to get a handle on my issues. “Nothing.” I dropped back to the bed with a sigh, letting my textbook fall to the side. “I’m being a girl.”

  “Whoa. What’s going on?”

  I heard the desk squeak. Shay came into view as he stood over me, frowning down at me. He folded his arms over his chest, and I tried not to gawk at how that defined his already spectacular chest, shoulders, and arm muscles.

  I failed.

  I was pretty sure I felt a little drool, but I wiped it away and scooted so I was sitting back against the wall facing him. He sat next to me, his hand on my leg.

  I looked down at my hands, folded on my lap. “My feelings are stronger than I want them to be. Last time this happened, Parker squashed me like a damned bug.” I looked up. “Are you going to squash me?”

  “No.” He shook his head from side to side, his eyebrows knitting together. “You really think that? Haven’t I shown you enough how much I care?”

  My mouth went dry.

  He had.

  But . . . I gave him a small smile. “Could you maybe write it down? Like on flashcards?”

  “Flashcards?”

  I nodded. “I can pull those out anytime I start getting freaked about us.”

  “You want me to profess my feelings for you on flashcards?”

  “Makes total sense to me.”

  I didn’t bat an eyelash.

  That was all he did, raking a hand over his face. “I shouldn’t be surprised by anything by now with you.”

  I nodded. That sounded completely reasonable.

  But I was still waiting, and he saw that, too. He stood, going back to his desk. “Okay. Fine. Shay’s Flashcards of Love coming right up.” He picked up a pen and grabbed a deck of blank cards he’d been using for studying. “Silly me, I thought I would be using them to quiz myself tonight. Nope. They’re the new form of emotional reassurance.”

  I closed my eyes, half-grinning, but half-cringing on the inside.

  Whatever.

  I’d been nuts since the beginning. It wasn’t as if I was starting a new protocol for our relationship. He enjoyed the sex enough. I was banking on that keeping him around if his real feelings started to fade.

  “Flashcard one,” Shay started.