Hate to Love You

by Tijan

  Kristina must’ve thought the same because she asked, “Anyone hungry? We didn’t get dinner before.”

  Casey held up her water bottle that was not filled with water. “Yeah. We went straight to booze.”

  Sarah was struggling to her feet. She tried to stand up, but toppled back to the floor so she crawled into the room. Scurrying right past us, her eyes were glazed, and I didn’t think she remembered we were even there. She went right to the couch, pulled herself up, and hugged one of the pillows to her chest.

  She was snoring in two seconds.

  Casey belched, slapping her chest. “Sorry. That was disgusting.” She wavered in the doorway, looking back out. We could hear voices still out there, guys and girls, but I didn’t want to look myself.

  Kristina asked me, “Have you talked to Shay today?”

  I shook my head. I slept here the night before and then had classes all day. I knew he did, too, but I was expecting a phone call or a surprise visit any minute.

  Casey looked back in. “Let’s go there. The guys are always up for grilling.”

  Kristina added, “And drinking.”

  The two shared a grin because it was true. Since they were no longer playing or training, the house had become a booze fest. It was more common to walk through the place and see the guys drinking than to find them not. That didn’t mean they got drunk. They built up a tolerance, but I know at least a few would get a good buzz by the end of the night. Since the Phoebe fiasco, which was last weekend, I’d only been at Shay’s place and heard someone intoxicated twice. Okay, so maybe it was more.

  I still wasn’t that nervous. They were decent guys. They might’ve been rougher around the edges if Shay and Linde weren’t there, but I didn’t think anything would happen to me or my friends.

  “Call ’em up, Kenz.” Casey nodded at me. “I’d rather spend the evening with the guys than here with some girls.”

  And as if on cue, two of our neighbors appeared in the doorway.

  Casey was still standing there so they couldn’t knock on the door, but they were laughing. Their red cheeks told me they’d participated in the drinking game. They both had coffee mugs in hand.

  “What are you guys doing tonight?” one asked. I thought her name was Melissa. Again, Kristina would know.

  Her friend tucked some of her hair behind her ears. “We were thinking of ordering a pizza, maybe watch some of The Last Kingdom. Uhtred is fucking hot.”

  Casey’s eyes got big.

  She’d been turned on to the Netflix series, and had been raving about the Dane for the last three days.

  “Oh, my gosh!” Her eyes suddenly got smaller, and her shoulders slumped a bit. “We can’t. We’re going to the Football House tonight.”

  “Well.” Kristina held her hand out. “No. We don’t know. We haven’t called yet.”

  All four of them looked at me.

  I reached for my phone. “And that’s my hint.”

  I sent a text to Shay, and when he didn’t respond right away, I texted Linde, too.

  Linde: Guys are always up for grilling and drinking. Need a ride over?

  Me: Can you drive?

  Linde: I can right now. Might not be able to in an hour. I don’t have classes in the morning.

  I still hadn’t gotten a reply from Shay so I typed out another text.

  Me: Is Shay there? You know where he is?

  Linde: I thought the library?

  I frowned.

  Me: The library?

  Linde: He said he was going there, then to your place. I figured you guys had plans.

  Not that I knew, but only sent back.

  Me: We can drive over. We’ll take Casey’s car. If she sleeps there, she’ll want to drive it back in the morning.

  Linde: Will do. I’ll let the guys know. We’ll have the grill going when you get here.

  Instead of sending another text to Shay, I called him, but his voicemail came on right away. There was no ring.

  “What’s the plan, Stan?” Casey was leaning against the doorway, keeping herself upright.

  On second thought, I asked Kristina, “I told Linde you would drive over in Casey’s car. Should I text him back to come and get you guys?”

  Kristina’s forehead wrinkled as her eyebrows pinched together. “You’re not going?”

  “You think you can drive?” I skipped over the question.

  She chewed on her lip. I was asking if she wanted to drink when she was there. I knew Casey always wanted her car available, but sometimes it was a hassle if they drank there and still wanted to sleep in their own beds. If they couldn’t find someone sober to drive them, they would take an Uber, and Casey would have to get another ride back to pick up her car. It was all in Kristina’s hands, because Casey might’ve been sounding normal, but she wasn’t. She had a better tolerance level than Sarah, but she was still buzzed where rational thinking wasn’t a given.

  Kristina sighed. “Between all of us, and you, we can always get her car back in the morning if we leave it there.”

  Which meant Kristina didn’t want to sleep there. Casey never cared. She’d been curling up in Linde’s bed the last week.

  I nodded. “That’s the plan, then.”

  “You’re not coming with us?”

  I shook my head. “Linde said Shay was at the library, so I’m going to go and scope it out. See if he’s there.”

  “You want us to go with you? We can just swing by the library. If he isn’t there, come with us to the house.”

  Casey was nodding. She kept going, not stopping.

  “If you don’t stop, you’re going to get sick.”

  She stopped, laughing. “I feel a little dizzy. You’re right.”

  I asked Kristina, “Can you handle her?”

  She stared at Casey a moment before turning to Sarah, who was still snoring. She looked at the other two girls next. “What are you two going to do?”

  Their eyes got big and Melissa cleared her throat. “Um. I mean . . . can we come with or . . .” Her eyes jetted to me, and her cheeks pinked a little more. I got it. I did. The Football House was infamous not only for who lived there but also for their parties.

  I shrugged. “I doubt they would care.”

  Both girls were my neighbors. It wasn’t a bad idea to get to know them, which was something I had to keep reminding myself.

  Kristina’s hand came over my arm, as if she understood my hesitancy. She patted me in comfort and said to the girls, “If you’re ready to go like that, let’s leave in ten minutes.”

  The girls took off. They didn’t need to be told twice.

  “Ten minutes?” Casey lifted some of her hair so she could inspect it. “I need more than ten minutes to get myself together.”

  “You now have nine minutes.”

  “Shit.” Casey sped out of the room, grabbing her makeup container and shower caddy to the bathroom.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  It had been almost a full week since Phoebe tried to attack me. Almost a week where I had to force myself to stay in my own dorm room because I didn’t want another person to take that away from me.

  I dipped my head in a firm nod. “I’m good.”

  “I’m here if you need to talk. You know that, right?”

  My smile was genuine. “I do. Thank you.”

  Kristina and Casey had become two of my best friends here. I never would’ve imagined it from the first day of college. I was thankful.

  Casey returned a few minutes later out of breath and in a rush. She was flying around the room getting ready, and it was fifteen minutes later when the other two girls came back.

  “Okay.” Casey appeared from the bedroom, her chest heaving. She spread her arms out and did a circle. “How do I look?”

  Skin-tight jeans, a low-cut tank top, and a small, sequined purse hung from her arm. Her hair looked flawless, but this was typical Casey.

  Kristina and I shared a look.

  “Man.” I shook my head.
“Are you sure you want to leave like that? I mean, does Linde like messy hair in the back?”

  “What?” Her eyes got wide, and her hand clamped on to the back of her hair. “No, no, no . . .” Her eyes narrowed at me, then at Kristina who was trying not to laugh, and she dropped her hand. “You fuckers! You can’t mess with me like that.”

  She surged to me and hit my arm.

  I backed away, laughing. “You make it so easy. You always look amazing.”

  One of the other girls nodded. “You could wear a Santa Claus suit and make it look sexy.”

  “See.” I jerked a thumb toward the girl. “You have nothing to worry about, and if you’re dressing up for Linde, he doesn’t care about that stuff.”

  “I know.” She dipped her head down, adjusting her purse. “This year’s been hard. You know. Your brother rejected me, and Linde seems nice, but you never know.”

  I frowned. “My brother’s a shithead.”

  Sarah’s snores rose to a new volume.

  Kristina said to me, “Should we leave her?”

  “Nope. Hold on.”

  Casey went into motion. She grabbed towels, putting one under Sarah’s head, then another that hung down from the couch to the floor. She positioned Sarah so she was on her side, her mouth hanging open and pulled to the edge. A garbage bin was placed underneath her with a fresh new bag inside. A glass of water was placed a few inches away from the bin. Two painkillers were next to that.

  A note was left under Sarah’s phone, telling her where we were and a list of numbers to call if she needed something.

  I thought we were ready to go, but Casey held up one finger. “One more minute.”

  She zipped out to the hallway and was back in a few minutes. “Okay.” She grabbed her keys and phone. Her purse was still hanging from her shoulder. “I’m ready to go.”

  “You sure?” Kristina asked, but the other two girls were already in the hallway.

  I grabbed my backpack, and a hair tie to pull my hair up.

  “Yep.” Casey backed up, saying, “The RA will check on Sarah. She knows she’s in there. Sarah’s sick.” Casey winked at us.

  Kristina locked the door and then looked at me. “You sure you don’t want a ride to the library?”

  I had been considering it. “Nah. It isn’t far. Plus, if Shay is walking here, I’ll intercept him then.”

  “Okay. Call if you need anything.” Kristina waved, so did Casey. The other two did as well, but they had an extra bounce to their step. I knew they were more excited to hang out at the Football House.

  They left through the back door, and I headed in the opposite direction.

  There was something about walking alone at night.

  The campus dorms were lit up, and there were people hanging out in the entryways. As I left my dorm and passed a few others on the way toward the library, I heard their laughter, their conversation, and I felt how peaceful they seemed.

  It plays a trick on the mind sometimes.

  When you thought you were safe, when you thought you could walk among buildings at night, and you thought you’re alone. There was a beauty around you when a person did that, but it could be shattered at any moment. The bubble I used to have where I thought I was safe, where I never even considered that I could be attacked—that was gone.

  I knew there was bad in people.

  I came to college assuming the worst. I wanted a few loyal friends. That’d been the rule and my goal. The other rule had been no drama. The third was a new me. I’d been so bound and determined to fulfill all of those.

  This year destroyed every single rule.

  Shay broke them, and just thinking of him brought a wistful smile to my lips. Anyone who was watching me probably thought I was high, but it wasn’t that.

  All the shit that happened to me, I came out stronger.

  I thought I’d been strong in the beginning, but I wasn’t. It was nothing compared to how I felt now.

  I was almost attacked a second time, and in a place that was considered close to my home. My dorm was supposed to be home. It happened in the hallway just outside of it, but I had been safe. Phoebe hadn’t been like the first time where they gave me no warning. Two guys and they had to strike from the back. She came at me from the front. She gave me warning. She told me why she was going to hurt me.

  I shivered, wondering what her ultimate goal had been.

  But it didn’t matter, because it hadn’t happened.

  She was away.

  I would do everything possible to keep her away, too.

  But I wasn’t going to let her take away my joy of being a college student.

  I would live in my dorm. I would sleep in my bed. I would be with my boyfriend, and not constantly look over my shoulder. I would walk on this damn campus and my fear would not rule me. It would not dictate what I wanted to do, and if I goddamn wanted to walk to the library at eight-thirty at night, I goddamn would.

  I cut through the food court building and where the post office boxes were. I was just leaving that, with the library being the next building, when I heard the two beeps signifying someone was just locking their car.

  There was a parking lot tucked in the corner between the two buildings. It was there for workers, and some students got special permits to park there, too. Mainly off-campus students who wanted the closest parking lot to the library. I knew Shay had a permit there, and I was already turning my head to see if his Jeep was there.

  That was when I saw him, and a bolt of panic jolted me.

  I stopped in my tracks, my little pep talk and the short-term benefits I’d felt shriveled up. They fell at my feet. I could almost imagine them there, and I could kick them away because that’s how I felt.

  My knees locked.

  It was Cameron.

  He was walking toward me, his head down. His broad shoulders were slouched down, but they were tense. He had on a button-down shirt, the ends pulled out from his khaki pants. His hair was mussed, as if he’d come from a long day at the office or an event.

  I couldn’t move.

  Someone was screaming at me to move in the back of my mind, but she wasn’t loud enough for my body to take action.

  The fear was back. It was pooling in the bottom of my gut.

  I was an unwilling participant to watching this train wreck happen. I was even watching myself, and in slow motion, his head came up. There were bags under his eyes. He held keys in his hands, and he threw them up, his hand absent-mindedly snatching out of the air before tossing them again.

  His eyes were straight ahead. They weren’t focused on anyone or anything, but then he caught me in the corner of his eye.

  He paused, slowing down, and his head turned.

  His eyes locked on mine, and I saw his emotions play out as if they were on screen.

  Surprise.

  Confusion.

  Then anger.

  The last one burned bright in his gaze, and he faltered to a stop.