Embarrassing True Stories

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  Embarrassing

  True Stories

  Oliver Gaspirtz

  Westhoff Publishing

  Copyright © 2014 by Oliver Gaspirtz.

  All rights reserved.

  www.gaspirtz.com

  1st Edition, April 2014

  Published by Westhoff Publishing.

  www.westhoff.us

  ISBN-13: 978-0692208144

  ISBN-10: 0692208143

  WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA DO IN JAIL?

  I used to be a pretty wild girl, and I spend some time in jail. The jail was like a dorm, with eight bunk areas. Each of the bunk areas had four bunk beds, so eight girls slept in each bunk area. All the bunk areas were located around a centrally located day room with tables, where we sit during the day and play cards or eat. The bathroom stalls and showers were open too, so everyone can see you take a shower or do your business. One night I was really in the mood and got a little too carried away while masturbating. One of the officers caught me, and yelled at me. She made me get out of bed and take a cold shower. At 2 am in the morning! All the other girls saw and laughed. I was mortified!

  OOPS! WRONG FUNERAL!

  A few years ago, my great-aunt Barbara died. It was right around Christmas and the funeral was scheduled for the same day as my husband's Christmas party at work.

  Back then, my husband was working for a company a few hours away from our home, so he really wanted to go to that party so he could get his Christmas bonus that day and not wait to receive it in the mail the next week.

  We decided to go to the visitation the night before the funeral and skip the funeral itself. The only problem was there was more than one visitation at that funeral home that night. My husband and I walked in behind one of my aunts and we just followed her. We later found out that she was going to the bathroom.

  When we turned a corner she was gone so we just guessed which room to go into. We were led by the funeral home guy to the guest book to sign it. The whole time my husband was asking if I recognized anyone in the whole room. Well, I didn't but I just thought it was friends of hers that I didn't know. I signed my name and my husband's, and went to go view the body.

  And there was an old man lying in the casket! How can you tactfully say "Oops! Wrong body!" and leave the room? I was so embarrassed and my husband was just no help at all, laughing his butt off.

  SILENT BUT DEADLY

  My girlfriend and I planned a weekend together at a lakefront cabin of some friends. After we had a romantic dinner and went to several parties, we went back to the cabin later that night.

  I woke up with an intense need to relieve some gas that had built up. I checked on my girl and she looked like she was sound asleep. At night the temperature dropped below freezing, so I really didn't want to go outside to use the bathroom, so I let the gas sorta seep out silently. Much to my surprise it was an eye waterer.

  Several weeks later I was picking my girlfriend up at her sister's house for another date.

  Her sister came into the living room as we were getting ready to leave and told us to have a good time. As we were walking out the door her sister yells: "AND DON'T FART ON MY SISTER AGAIN!"

  I was so embarrassed to say the least. To this day we still laugh about it.

  PEEK-A-BOOB

  One day I was waiting in line at Taco Bell. I was wearing a tank top and I didn't have a bra on. The whole time I was in line and while I was ordering, my boob was popping out. Needless to say, I haven't gone back there since that incident.

  CALL 911

  About 3 years ago I was sitting on the toilet. I had started my menstrual cycle and as I was wiping, my three year old daughter came barreling into the bathroom.

  She looked at me and then looked down and ran out of the bathroom. I just figured she freaked out at what she saw and just ran out.

  Well, the phone rang a few moments later, so I got up and ran to the phone, and much to my surprise it was the police. They said that they got a 911 call from my house and couldn't understand what the caller was saying.

  They asked if I had a little kid there and if everything was ok. I said, "yes, I have a kid but there wasn't any problem."

  The officer scolded me and said I should teach my daughter only to use 911 for emergency purposes. At that point it dawned on me why she had called but I couldn't tell the officer.

  I was too embarrassed to tell him that she thought my period was a sign of me bleeding to death. The kid thought I was sitting on the toilet, dying! Thank God I didn't have to explain to him what had happened!

  WORST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER

  Right before my best friend's 16th birthday party, her family and I were sitting down eating a nice dinner that included beans. After dinner, my friend and I were laughing and talking about how the beans were probably going to affect us later that night. A few hours later the party started and everything was going great. My best friend had invited all the hottest guys in school, including Tom. I had a crush on him at the time. As expected, the beans suddenly hit me. While running to tell my best friend about my situation, I felt the farts coming on strongly. She laughed and told me to use the guest bathroom downstairs.

  In the restroom, I sat down in relief. I took my time, assuming that no one knew I was in there. I completed my dirty business and flushed the toilet. One of my logs was extremely long and clogged the toilet. The water in the toilet was rising and I was getting scared. I ran out of the bathroom to get my best friend, but as I opened the door, Tom was standing right there! I came to find out that he had overheard me asking my friend what restroom to use and he had followed me so he could use it as well.

  We met eye to eye and he asked me why I was in such a hurry. My face was beat red. My vicious odor was everywhere!!! Neither of us said anything for a few seconds, then he quickly suggested that he would go get my friend. As soon as he turned the corner, I ran to my car and left the party, HUMILIATED. Later the next day, I called my best friend and told her what happened. She laughed about it and told me that a couple of guys, including my crush Tom, had stayed after the party to help fix the clogged toilet.

  BLOWING BUBBLES

  The worst moment of my life happened in 8th grade. I was in my English class, and my best friend and her boyfriend were kidding around.

  My friend's boyfriend spits when he talks. When he wasn't looking for a moment, my friend and I made fun of him. I began to laugh really hard, and suddenly a big snot bubble popped out of my nose! I was sooo embarrassed!

  I ran to get a tissue and wiped off my nose before anyone else would see, but my friend was laughing her ass off at me.

  WORST SLEEP OVER EVER

  My most embarrassing moment happened when I was 15. I was sleeping over at my best friend's house, and after eating plenty of chips and sweets and stuff, I went to bed feeling a little sick. When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I saw was my friend's dog licking something on me.

  I looked down and it was diarrhea! I had been so sick that in the middle of the night all those chips and sweets came out in a very unattractive way! Now my friend was sitting there looking embarrassed - but not nearly as embarrassed as I was - and her brothers and sisters were running around shouting: "Ewww! She pooped in her pants!"

  My friend and her family moved away that summer (not because of me!), so fortunately I was spared the embarrassment of ever having to face her again.

  UGLY BREAK UP

  My boyfriend and I broke up over the phone, while he was home, and I was at work. He was a lazy, spiteful bum with a drinking problem. A real winner. By the time I got home at night, he had packed his stuff and left. Good riddance!

  The next morning I wanted to make a cup of coffee, and saw that he had pour
ed pickle juice in my can of instant coffee powder. At least I hope it was pickle juice and not pee. Later that day I noticed a weird smell in my apartment. Turns out he had taken fish out of my freezer and hidden it under my furniture, and now it started to stink. A night or two later, I found out the hard way that he had covered my vibrator and dildo with hot sauce. It burned like hell! And a few days after that, all my house plants were dead, because he had poured cleaning fluids in my flower pots. What an asshole!

  THE THINGS WE DO FOR MONEY

  I used to be an escort. That's a fancy way of saying I was a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but I was a single mom and I needed the money. Most of the guys who called me for my services were older businessmen. Lawyers, doctors, and other professional men. They wore suits during the day and looked respectable, but when they called me, and we were alone in a hotel room at night, many of them turned out to be pretty weird freaks. One guy wanted me to poop on his chest. That's what got him off. In case you're wondering, it's not easy to poop when you're not sitting on a toilet bowl. But after getting over the initial shyness, I finally did my business on him, and he was happy. I saw him regularly for a while.

  REAL LIFE HUCKLEBERRY FINN

  I was an only child, and both my parents worked all day, so I was home alone a lot without a babysitter. I was lonely, and I started acting out. My mother came home for her lunch hour every day, and I started stealing money out of her purse and bought candy or toys for myself, as a substitute for love and attention I guess. It was just a few bucks here and there at first. But then one day my mother only had a $100 bill in her purse. I was little and didn't really understand the value of money. My mother never seemed to notice when one or two $1 bills or a $5 bill were missing from her purse, so I figured she wouldn't miss that $100 bill either. I bought a toy gun and lots of candy with it.

  At night, my parents confronted me about the missing $100 bill. I played stupid at first, but they saw right through me, and tried to scare me straight. They said they would send me to a boarding school for problem children, far away from home. I was too little to understand the implications of that. The thought of being sent away was too abstract for my young mind to be scary. So my parents decided to scare me with something more practical, more hands on. They said they didn't want me anymore and they would abandon me in the forest. They told me to pack a bag with whatever stuff I thought I would need to survive on my own in the woods. I packed a blanket, some clothes, some snacks and the book Huckleberry Finn. Since it's a story about a homeless boy, I thought I could use it as a survival guide. They dropped me off in the forest at night. I didn't know they were hiding close by and kept a watchful eye on me the whole time. I cowered under a tree with my blanket, afraid and alone in the dark. About an hour later, they picked me up again. I never stole again after that terrifying experience.

  THE LONG RIDE HOME

  A couple years ago, I was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. That meant having to rush to the bathroom on a moment's notice several times a day, and occasionally not getting there in time. One time I was coming home from work. It was Friday, summer time, so I got out of work at 1:00 PM and was taking the train home. It was an old style diesel train with alcoves between the cars that were open to the outside. As I sat inside the car, I felt a wave of spasms coming on. This meant I head about a minute to get to the restroom aboard the train. Only one or two cars on each train had them, so I started to walk forward one, two, three cars.

  When I got to the first car and saw there was no bathroom there either, I walked back, knowing I was on borrowed time. Up to now, the spasms had been coming in slow waves, each more intense than the last. When I turned and began walking back, the pressure in my bowels kept building and the spasms turned into a slow steady squeeze, which I knew would continue to build until I released the pressure.

  At some point I knew I wasn't going to make it to the next restroom. I was still thirty minutes or more from home. I guess once you realize you are definitely going to shit your pants, your body knows not to expend the effort to contain it. I had just entered my wagon, and was only a few steps from the door, so I turned back toward the exit so at least I'd be in the alcove in the open air when I lost it. I turned and bumped right into the conductor, who needed to check my ticket! I handed him my ticket and as he handed it back, I released the entire load into my pants. I don't think he noticed. I bolted through the door into the alcove and stood their for the rest of the trip with diarrhea seeping down my legs, into my shoes.

  I DIDN'T GET THE JOB

  I went for a job interview at a Fortune 500 company. I wore my best suit, my best tie, and I had just gotten a haircut. I looked sharp!

  I was just getting over a cold. When the interviewer asked me into his office, I sneezed and covered my face with my hand. Then I shook his hand. He gave me a weird look. I kicked myself, because I had probably grossed him out by sneezing into my hand and then offering it to him to shake.

  The interview was pretty short, but I felt that it went well. I thought I might actually have a shot at the job. When I walked out, his secretary gave me a weird look as I left.

  When I got into my car, I looked in the rear view mirror as I backed out of the parking spot, and saw that there was some yellow snot stuck to the edge of my nostril. It must have ended up there when I sneezed, and it was there the whole time during the interview. Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

  AIRPLANE ACROBATICS

  When I was younger, during the 1960s, I flew from Los Angeles to New York one day. I was in the bathroom, when the plane hit some turbulence. While I was peeing, I was thrown backwards against the bathroom door. It opened. I don't know if it wasn't locked right, or if I broke it. I fell to the floor in the aisle in front of the bathroom. With my zipper open, pee on my pants, and my willy still in my hand. Worst flight ever.

  TEDDY BEAR RAPIST

  When I was a kid, I used to masturbate by lying on my stomach, and basically I humped my teddy bear. After a few months, he was covered in little dried cum stains. I hid him in my closet, so my mom wouldn't see him like that.

  One day she was cleaning my room, and while she was getting some fresh sheets out of my closet, she found my teddy bear, hidden under some clothes I had thrown over him. She picked him up, examined him, and then asked me: "What happened to your teddy bear? Have you been blowing your nose on him?"

  YOU SMELL FUNNY

  I had a sleep-over at my best friend's house. He, his mom, dad, sister and I were sitting in their living room, watching TV. I had worn my shoes all day, but in their house they always took their shoes off at home, so I did, too.

  After we were watching TV for a while, my friend's sister suddenly said: "Eeeew. Something smells!" Then his mom said: "Yeah, I smell it, too." They all started looking at each other. Then they looked at me. Then his dad said: "Your feet stink." I was sooo embarrassed.

  Then his dad made me follow him into the bathroom, and he told me to take my socks off. He washed my feet, like I couldn't do it myself. The rest of the family all came looking in the bathroom. I felt like a total freak. Then his dad gave me some new socks, and we all went back in the living room and continued to watch TV. I have never been more humiliated in my life.

  THE GRAND FINALE

  I was having sex with my new girlfriend. It was great. Then I was about to finish. I pulled out to cum on her stomach, and just as I had an orgasm, I farted. I was horrified and said: "Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

  She looked at me with this surprised look on her face, like she couldn't believe I just did that, and then she busted out laughing. We got married 2 years later.

  WELCOME TO CANADA

  I was on a road trip by myself, from New York to Canada. I had some porn DVDs in the car with me. It gets lonely on the road sometimes. At the Canadian border, the customs officers decided to inspect my car. The female officer who searched the bags in my trunk found the porn and examined the DVDs in her hands. I felt like a total p
ervert.

  CHECK THE INTERCOM

  My parents and I live in a two-family house. They live upstairs and I live downstairs with my husband. It was a hassle to yell out the window or up the staircase every time my mom and I had something to say to each other, or to call each other on the phone, so we decided to get an intercom. It was convenient, because it was sitting on a little table right next to the couch, and all you had to do was press a button to talk. It had a few different modes, including a baby monitor mode that kept one side on constantly, without having to press the talk button.

  My husband and I were getting frisky in the living room one night, and he told me to check the intercom, to make sure it wasn't on. I checked and it looked fine. We had sex on the couch. Afterwards my husband checked the intercom again, and saw that it had been in baby monitor mode the whole time. So my parents heard us having sex over the intercom. I didn't talk to my parents for about a week after that night, because I was too embarrassed to face them. Then one day we started talking again, and neither my parents nor I ever brought up that little incident.