Embarrassing True Stories

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  "He's fine. He's fine," I replied. "He does this all the time."

  But the woman didn't believe me. "Someone should call an ambulance, I don't think he's ok," she said in a shrill voice.

  Now other people were getting up to. This was getting out of hand, so I started to yell at my son: "Get off the floor and stop playing dead!"

  He didn't listen. Finally I got up and grabbed him by his shirt. "Get UP!" I yelled at him while pulling him up. Then I dragged him out the door with me. I was so embarrassed. The other people must have thought I was a horrible mother, completely ignoring my son while he passed out, and then being mean to him. I'm surprised that shrill lady didn't report me to Child Protective Services.

  THIN WALLS

  My husband and I live on the first floor of an apartment building with pretty thin walls. Sometimes we get a bit loud during sex. One night we were in the middle of it, and he kept asking me: "Who's your daddy? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"

  Someone must have been walking right past our bedroom window at that moment, and a voice from the outside answered my husband's question: "Her dad's name is Bill."

  At first my husband and I froze and we looked at each other, thinking: "Oh shit!" But then we both busted out laughing, and my husband yelled back at the smartass outside: "Thank youuu!"

  VISIT FROM MY MOTHER-IN-LAW

  My wife and I had moved into a new house in Tuscon, Arizona. We were still in the process of fixing it up and making it feel like home. Her mother, a very conservative, religious woman, came to visit us for a few days from Kentucky. The guest bathroom was still being fixed up, so her mother had to use the master bathroom. I had stored my collection of Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler magazines in the closet next to the sink. I figured nobody would ever find them there, since normally nobody except my wife and I would use the master bathroom.

  Her mother was looking for some aspirin, and found my porn collection. She was highly offended, make a big stink, made me feel like a pervert and told me she'd pray for me.

  CRIMINAL MASTERMIND

  When I was a little kid, my mom's friend from work babysat me sometimes. She and her husband were very nice people. They let me run around the whole house, and I liked to go exploring. In her husband's home office, I found a large wall unit. It had a minibar in the middle of it that could be locked with a key.

  Above the minibar was a shelf with 4 big fancy beer mugs. One of them was filled with coins. I felt like I had found a pirate treasure! The mug filled with coins was too heavy for me to cary, and too large to hide in my pockets or under my shirt.

  So I decided to do the next best thing with my pirate treasure: hide it where no one would ever find it! Somehow I figured the best place for it would be in the minibar, right under the shelf where the mug stood originally. So I put my treasure in the minibar, locked it, and put the key in my pocket.

  To erase any trace of the missing mug, I rearranged the remaining 3 mugs, so that nobody would ever notice that one was missing. I was a criminal mastermind! I went home that night, secure in my knowledge that my treasure was safe. Nobody would ever find it! Who would ever think to look in the minibar? (Did I mention I was a little kid? I'm not this dumb today.)

  A few days later the lady called my mother and told her that she couldn't babysit me anymore. Don't ask me how, but somehow she had noticed that the mug with coins was missing after I left, and that the minibar was locked, and the key, that was always in the lock, was now missing too.

  JUST ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT

  My boyfriend and I snort coke occasionally, to spice up our sex life. He and I got into a big fight one night. He tried to take the coke away from me, and I pulled a knife, threatened to kill him, and then threatened to cut my wrists instead. Then I locked myself in the bathroom. He called the cops, told them I threatened to kill myself, and that I was probably overdosing on drugs in the bathroom. The cops came and demanded I open the door. I did, and they took me in and had me committed to a suicide watch facility for 3 days.

  AWKWARD CHRISTMAS

  My husband and I had recently been married, and we decided to have both sets of parents spend our first holiday together with us at our house.

  On Christmas morning, we all took turns opening up our presents. While I unwrapped one of mine, I tried to guess what it might be. I was giddy, and tried to make everyone laugh, so I kept kidding around. I said: "This better not be one of those God awful cheap hot pink sweatpants we saw at Walmart the other day!"

  It wasn't. Then the next person opened their next present.

  A few minutes later, when it was my turn again, I opened up my present from my parents-in-law. You guessed it... It was a pair of those God awful cheap hot pink sweatpants from Walmart.

  There was an uncomfortable silence, and then my mother-in-law said: "You can exchange them, if you don't like them."

  I replied: "No, no, I was only kidding before. I love them. I really do. They're nice."

  I don't know why I wasn't just honest and admitted that I wasn't crazy about them. The more I pretended to like them, the more awkward the situation became. Finally my husband saved me by changing the topic: "Who wants something to drink from the kitchen?"

  LET'S NOT DRAW ANY ATTENTION

  My son was about 8 or 9 years old at the time. I took him to the store with me. He saw some toy that he really really wanted, but I told him he can't have everything he wants and that money doesn't grow on trees.

  He started to cry and throw a tantrum. That didn't work. Then he decided that maybe if I didn't have to buy it for him, and he got it for himself, I would be more open to it. So he grabbed a little toy car, while I was at the other end of the isle. Then he yelled: "Mom, can I steal this?"

  The other people in the store looked at us like we were white trash. I was embarrassed and ignored his question. He thought I couldn't hear him, so he yelled louder: "Mom! MOM!! CAN I STEAL THIS? MOOOM!!! CAN I STEEEAL THIIIIS?"

  THE SAME DRESS

  When I was in 4th grade, there was an annual open house at our school again. I saw my favorite teacher, Miss Miller. I loved her and wanted to say something friendly and witty, so I yelled: "Hiii Miss Miller! You wore the same dress last year!" I thought it would impress her that I remembered what she wore a year ago.

  After a few seconds of awkward silence, she explained to me that not everybody can afford to buy new clothes all the time. I was so embarrassed that I shouted something so stupid.

  WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS...

  I went to Las Vegas with 3 friends of mine. It was one of my friend's birthday. We were kidding around that we were like the guys from The Hangover, and we really wanted to push the envelope. This trip was gonna be one for the history books! We went out drinking way too much, and the birthday boy passed out.

  We brought him back to his room and put him on his bed and took his pants off. Then one of us had the brilliant idea to mess with the birthday boy while he's out cold. We all agreed that it would be epic. The stuff of legend! We unwrapped a condom, unrolled it on a pencil, and rubbed some melted chocolate on it. Or maybe it was Nutella. I don't remember. Then we stuck the condom between his butt cheeks. We spread a little more chocolate around his white sheets, for good measure.

  The next morning, we all met at the breakfast buffet. Our friend didn't say anything about finding a condom between his cheeks. He just asked us what had happened the night before, because he was too drunk to remember. We told him that the last time we saw him was when he walked off with these two guys who looked kinda gay. He said he didn't remember any of that. He didn't say a word about the incident, until we were on our way home. We handed him a birthday card that said: "Happy Birthday! PS: We put that condom there. And it wasn't shit. It was chocolate."

  His face turned red and he blurted out: "I fucking HATE you guys!" and he tried to punch each of us in the arm. I don't think I've ever laughed this hard in my life.

  DUMPSTER DIVING

  There was a time when my wife and I were really
broke. When her grandmother passed away, we got some of her old furniture. It was tacky and atrocious, but beggars can't be choosers. A few weeks later, on the night before garbage pick up, we saw that one of our neighbors was throwing out an old couch. It looked a hell of a lot better than the monstrosity in our living room, so we decided to wait until it got dark out, so nobody could see us while we were stealing someone else's garbage, and take the couch. Around midnight we quietly went to the neighborhors house and hauled his unwanted couch back to our house down the street. We hoped none of our neighbors was still awake and looking out the window while we were struggling to carry the couch back to our place.

  We lived in an old house with narrow doors, and no matter how hard we tried, we could not fit the couch through the door and up the few steps that led into our apartment. We struggled and tried as hard as we could, while trying not to make a sound and wake up any of the neighbors. Finally we removed the stubby feet from the bottom of the couch, and just those few inches helped us get it through the door. Once we placed the couch in the living room, we were so proud of ourselves! Until we sat down. There was a reason why someone had thrown it away. The seat bottom was broken, so when you sat down on it, your butt sank down to the floor. But it looked decent, so we kept it and stuffed the inside of the couch with a lot of pillows, so that you actually sat on the pillows when you sat down on it. A few days later a neighbor came over, sat on the couch, almost sank to the floor and said: "Wasn't this couch out on the sidewalk for garbage pick up the other day?" We were so embarrassed!

  AWKWARD FIRST DATE

  I met a girl on Match.com. We friended each other on Facebook and started chatting every day. We both preferred texting over talking on the phone. Things were going great. Our flirty banter was witty and funny. Sparks were flying. So then we finally met in person. Man, what a let down! We both were really quiet and didn't know what to talk about. Worst date ever. We had no chemistry at all. Never saw her again after that, and we stopped chatting.

  REALLY REALLY DRUNK

  I live in a suburb of Los Angeles, near the ocean. My family are Mexican immigrants and they like to drink. A lot. So one day it was my nephew's birthday, and my sister invited the whole family to his birthday party. He's only 4, but the party went on all day and night, long after my sister had put him to bed.

  My mother has a serious drinking problem, and she got drunk out of her mind that night. I went home around midnight, and at 2 am, my phone rang. It was my brother. He was still at the party, and he told me that my mother had left with some cab driver not long after I left. He was worried about her because she didn't live far away, but she never made it home.

  My sisters and I went searching for my mother in the middle of the night. I finally found her a few blocks away, making out with the cab driver in the park by the ocean. It was obvious that they had sex.

  I was so embarrassed! My mother turns into kind of a slut when she's really drunk, but she never just ran off with some random cab driver like that. That was a new low even for her!

  I yelled at the cab driver, and threatened to report him for taking advantage of my mother in her current state. He said he had a wife and children and couldn't afford to lose his job, so he begged me not to cause any trouble and he said my mom's ride was on the house. I took her home and the next day I asked her what the hell she was thinking. She said she just wanted to show him the park and a nice view of the ocean.

  BED WETTER

  I'm a grown man, but occasionally I still wet the bed. I get these vivid dreams, that I'm going to the bathroom. It all seems absolutely real, but then something feels strange. And then I wake up and realize that I'm not really in the bathroom, but in bed. Very embarrassing when someone sleeps over.

  DOG LOVER

  My wife and I have a little miniature Schnauzer dog. It was winter, and we decided to take him for a walk in the fresh snow. We walked along a trail in the woods. We came up to a shallow lake, or large pond. There was a very thin layer of ice on it. Just thick enough for our small dog to walk on it.

  Before we could stop him, he had run 30 feet out onto the lake. Suddenly he realized that the surface he was walking on was not steady. The thin ice could break under his feet at any moment. He got scared, and wouldn't move another inch. We kept calling him to come back to the shore, but he wouldn't take another step. He just stood there, on the ice, waiting for us to rescue him.

  After calling him, we tried to throw a blanket on the ice, so it would look safer to him. But he couldn't reach the blanket and still wouldn't move.

  So finally I did the only thing there was left to do: I took my pants off, and walked into the ice cold water. The pond wasn't very deep, so the water only came up to a few inches above my knees. The thin ice broke against my legs as I waded towards the dog. Finally I reached him, grabbed him and slowly waded back to the shore.

  Meanwhile some other people who had walked by saw me and paused to watch the spectacle. They pointed, laughed and took pictures. It must have been quite a sight, to see me walk through the ice in my underwear.

  ALMOST LIKE MARILYN MONROE

  Two of my best girlfriends and I went on a little girls-only trip to Fort Myers Beach. We went out for drinks at night, at the Lani Kai, a Tiki bar right on the beach. Suddenly a gust of wind blew up my dress. That alone wouldn't have been so terrible, but I was wearing form-fitting underwear under my dress, that was supposed to squeeze my butt and thighs into a sexy shape, so my behind looked better. The underwear went all the way down to my knees. I had been talking to this guy I had met at the bar, and he saw my underwear when my dress lifted up. He tried to be funny and made a comment about my "enormous granny panties." Not funny.

  I WAS A PHONE PSYCHIC

  A few years ago, they used to have all these TV commercials for psychic hotlines. I was one of those psychics. I used to work for a large company that hired normal housewives like me to pretend to be gifted psychics. Every week we had a phone conference, and a coach would teach a bunch of us the tricks of the trade. He told us that the most important thing was to keep the callers on the phone for as long as possible, because they were paying a fortune for each minute. He said the best way to do that was to scare them with made up stories of seeing disease in their future. They'd get scared and ask us to tell them more, and we were supposed to pretend that we saw cancer in their future. It worked. A lot of these people stayed on the phone for a full hour, until their phone company automatically cut off the call.

  These poor, gullible people called the 900 number on TV and then their call was redirected to one of us girls at our homes. It was supposed to be easy money to take a few calls while cleaning or cooking. But it wasn't easy to lie to these people, because a lot of them took our psychic advice very seriously. Some didn't make a single decision without first consulting with a psychic pretender like me.

  One time one of my callers was totally unhinged, and he screamed at me: "DOES SHE KNOW?!? DOES SHE KNOW WHAT'S IN THE SUITCASE?!?" I had no idea what he was talking about, but I had a feeling that there was something really bad in his suitcase, and if "she" found out about it, he might kill her so she couldn't talk. So I told him with fake confidence: "No, she doesn't know." Then he calmed down and hung up. I think I might have saved someone's life that day.

  ROLLING IN THE DEEP

  My girlfriend and I wanted to make out. The car was too crammed, and it was a beautiful summer night, so we decided to sit under a tree near some bushes in the park. It was night time, and we were the only people in the park. We had all the privacy in the world.

  As we sat there, having our romantic moment, kissing and flirting, she said she smelled something funny. I didn't smell anything. I was too busy focusing all my attention on her.

  I lay down flat on my back, and she was next to me, kissing me. Again she commented that something smelled funny. I didn't smell anything. I was about to get lucky. Who has time to smell stuff?

  We were getting hot and heavy, and then she s
topped dead in the middle and said: "It smells like poop."

  Finally I smelled it too. We decided to move to a different spot. But the smell followed us. It was me! Someone had pooped near the bushes and I had been sitting in it. Now I had the smell of someone else's poop stuck to my pants. I tried to tell myself that it was dog poop, but honestly, that did not smell like dog poop.

  We decided that I needed to change. We got in the car, and now the whole car smelled. We stopped at a Burger King and behind the dumpster, I changed into my swim shorts that were in the trunk of my car.

  The mood was dead, and I never did get lucky that night. We got married though, and my wife still jokes about that night.

  HOMEMADE DOUCHE

  My boyfriend was going to come over for dinner. I anticipated that we would end up having sex, so I wanted to be fresh down there. I wanted to douche, but had none at home, and didn't have time to run to the store to get one. So I decided to make my own. I mixed some water and vinegar and squirted it up there. It was burning like crazy. I think I didn't mix it right. Too much vinegar I guess. The pain went away after a few minutes, and everything seemed ok. When my boyfriend came over, he asked if we were having salad with dinner, because he could smell the salad dressing. There was no salad. He smelled the vinegar in my vajayjay. I went back in the kitchen and threw some vegetables in a bowl and pretended that it was the salad he had smelled.