Chapter 25 HER
Even driving like a madwoman, it’s taken a long time to get back. My limbs are stiff and heavy. My lids are hard to keep up. But there’s my home. My city. My skyline.
The drive has given me time to think. Sort of. My mind keeps fragmenting.
Pictures pop of Max. Me. Us. But I can’t put them in order. Today, tomorrow, yesterday, last week?
The fragment that won’t stop flying across the windshield, my wicked witch on a broomstick…I’ll get you and your snarling dog too…
Max’s look of anger. That night. His angriest face. The night I always go back to.
It’s filled my nightmares, my dreams, my days.
All because a man I barely knew touched my hand. That sparked Max’s rage. A rule broken. And I had to pay the price for that.
Even in a cage. I woke with that night in my head. Even with Ben’s fists on me. I pictured that face.
I haven’t admitted this to myself…until I was free, there was no point in thinking about…
Max. My beautiful angry husband.
How can I face you now?!
I didn’t let this happen…not like that night…I could’ve done something to stop Rich that night…should’ve done something…
But this…this is so much more, so much worse…Ben beat me, fucked me. Max will know this. I laugh. Everyone will know this. Just look at me…but Max won’t be able to deal with this…he won’t be able to control his anger...he won’t be able to look at me the same way.
He’s a man who has to be in control. I’ve known this…almost since the beginning. I’ve given him everything…but now. Now.
I have to stop thinking for a minute, concentrate on the sound of the road, the lights and signs passing me. I have to blink away tears and swallow more air.
Now. I’ll never be the same again. Not to Max. Not to myself.
And…the part I’ve only let myself whisper, trapped in bed next to a monster…
I blame him. I blame Max.
I blame myself.
I blame Ben of course…but I ran him over. I feel a strange smile on my lips at this thought. I touch my lips and it goes away.
I’m free. And trapped in a nightmare still.
I blink through the tears, not stopping them, just need to see dammit.
A homeless man crosses out of nowhere in front of me. I have to slam on the brakes to avoid him. My forearms hitting against the steering wheel. I don’t feel the pain shooting up my arms. He curses at me, but keeps shuffling across the headlights with his cart of belongings.
I laugh. An awful sound. Harsh. High. Ugly. Glass breaking in my throat laugh. I don’t move. I just lower my head onto the steering wheel. And I cry. I’m almost home and I cry finally.
I shake, cry, and sob. God…another song of misery of crazy fucked up crazy ass shit goddamn and fuck! More laughing.
But that helped. I look around again. Not a good place to stop. Lakeshore Drive. I can see a cop moving in my direction already. Even this late at night, it’s still the tourist area.
I drive slowly away, not stopping when he waves me down. I have to get home. My husband is waiting for me. God, help me…
Chapter 26 HIM
“Max!” Dad is yelling from the guest room. “Max! Get in here!” I’ve only just thrown my running shoes into the closet.
Since the crowd of reporters has been staying longer again, I’ve been running in the middle of the night. There’s only a small group now that waits for me to return before giving up for good for the night. But avoiding the vultures isn’t the real reason. I can’t sleep and it’s an excuse to work out my anger. I felt empty after crying, but it wasn’t enough to exhaust me. Wasn’t enough to stop my thoughts.
I throw my shirt into the closet too and start to walk out my room. But the phone is ringing. Shit. I stop and grab the bedside phone. It’s the lobby. “Mr. Traeger? I…I think…you should come down here, Sir. It’s your wife…”
Dad is in my doorway. “The news! …I think Lucy’s downstairs!”
My mind blanks for a second, piecing together what he means, what the call meant.
I don’t bother with a shirt or shoes. I run out of the apartment. Dad’s right behind me in his pajamas.
The elevator takes too long. We stare with open mouths at each other, both breathing hard, not speaking, frowning.
I take everything in in one blink. A small crowd of lights and cameras in the lobby. In the middle is my Lucy. Or what looks like my Lucy. She’s trying to move through them towards the elevator, but I can see they’re blocking the way. Asking their questions, pushing their mikes, cameras at her. Her hands are up and she looks frightened.
All my anger, fear, and pain tears out of me. I shove two cameras out of the way and punch another guy too close to her. She falls into my arms. Her lips barely breathing my name.
My Lucy.
Chapter 26 HER
I don’t need to open my eyes to know that I’m in a hospital room. The smell. The sounds. Beeps, hisses, muffled voices and footsteps, metal on metal clangs in a distance.
Or am I back in the cage?
I want to drift back to sleep. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to see his face. Max. Ben.
A single tear escapes my left eye, but I don’t feel it until it drops onto my shoulder.
I drift. Thankfully, I drift.
Chapter 27 HIM
“She has a cracked rib, sprained wrist, fractured cheek, ruptured ear drum and a lot of cuts and bruises. She still has a low temp from an infection probably from the dog bites on her arm. She was severely dehydrated and in shock when I brought her in last night.” It’s barely 9:00 a.m., but time has slowed down. To the pace of doctors and nurses, coming and going. Police coming and going.
And this is about the fifth time I’ve had to say all this. To spell out the injuries my wife has. From another man.
Laura has her hand to her mouth. Tears in her eyes. She saw the early morning news. She’s been calling me ever since. The reporters have swarmed the hospital, but we’re able to keep Lucy’s room private for now. I told Laura how to get up here without anyone noticing.
Dad, Mom, Liz, Paul, Jake, PJ…all are waiting in the family waiting room down the hall. So far, Lucy’s been sleeping. She has tubes and monitors all over her. My Lucy.
“Can I see her?”
“Sure. But she hasn’t been awake yet…”
“Of course.” I push the door open to Lucy’s room and let Laura go in alone. I can see Lucy’s still body under the covers. Propped up on the pillows. Her face pale, bruises vivid.
I walk away before the door closes.
In the waiting room, all eyes turn to me. I only shake my head.
No one’s talked to her. She passed out in my arms in the lobby and didn’t regain consciousness even when the ambulance came. The doctors said she was in shock.
So was I!
She was a mess. Bruised, bleeding, swollen. Naked. Fucking naked under that dirty sweatshirt. With a fucking dog collar on. Cuts up and down her legs, stomach, tits. Blood between her legs. My Lucy.
I didn’t have to tell Dad what I wanted. He was on the phone arranging everything before I even had her on the bed. The rushed ambulance, private room for exam and care. Security against reporters and…whatever.
Now all I can do is wait. For her to open her eyes again. My Lucy.
And for the police to tell me who did this to her…so I can kill them.
Chapter 27 HER
I feel a prick on my arm and moan. “I’m sorry, honey. You’re still so dehydrated, your veins are hard to find.”
A nurse smiling at me. That’s the first thing I see. Her hand pressing on the inside of my left elbow. My left arm is white with bandages. Tubes come out of my left hand. I follow them up to a bag of clear liquid, back down. My right wrist is wrapped too. I swallow several times and she brings me a cup with a straw. Cool water hits my throat and I don’t think I’ve loved the fee
l of anything more in my life.
I cough a little and she plumps up pillows behind me.
“Your family is going to be very happy to see your baby blues open, honey.” She walks towards the door. “I’ll get the doctor too.” I want to tell her to stop. Wait. Don’t tell anyone that I’m awake…not yet. Please!
But she’s gone.
I close my eyes, but the solace of sleep is lost to me. I hold my breath waiting. I keep my eyes closed.
I can hear the door open. It’s quiet but the sound from the hall gets louder for a moment.
“It’s good to see you awake. How are you feeling?”
A stranger. A doctor. I open my eyes. He’s youngish, smiling, looking at a chart. Nice, clean cut. I vomit on him.
He steps back quickly and goes into the hall, “Nurse!”
But he returns to my side and pulls the sheets to cover the small amount of vomit on the side of the bed. He wipes my face and the front of my gown. I’m too weak to turn away from him. Too numb. He removes his jacket, leaving it on the floor without a care.
A nurse quickly comes in and he directs him to get a maintenance person in here right away. And to take my temperature. I watch all this silently.
Then he smiles at me again. Nice. I want to cry and apologize, but I stay silent, the movie going on around me, but I’m not really in it. “Feel a little better?”
I only nod, but frown at the pain this causes. “Do you know where you are?” He puts a light on my eyes and directs me to follow it.
“In the hospital?” My voice cracks.
He picks up the cup and straw and holds it for me. “Take small sips.” I do. Keeping my eyes on him.
“Yes. You were brought in early this morning. Do you know your name?”
“Lucy Traeger.”
“Good. How about what day it is?”
I only shake my head, more frowning with pain. Time is fuzzy.
“You don’ t have a concussion, Lucy. You are still dehydrated though. And you have a small infection from the bite marks on your left arm. You’ve been running a temperature from it, but we’re keeping this down.”
Behind him the door opens again, this time for a longer time. I stop drinking. I freeze.
Max. Oh, God. Everybody. I don’t look at anyone. I look at the bed, with my wrapped up arms on the cover.
Max is by my side. His hand on the bed, where the vomit is hidden under the sheets. I start to retch again, my throat uncontrollably moving in long motions against my attempts to breathe. The doctor pushes Max aside and puts a dish under me just in time.
The doctor again wipes my face for me. I avoid looking at Max, but there’s no missing his look. His angry look. I lean my head back and close my eyes again.
“I think we should let Lucy rest while we get her bed and gown cleaned up.” The doctor directs everyone to leave.
“I’m not leaving.” Max’s voice. His strong, in control, edged voice. The doctor doesn’t argue. No one would argue with that voice.
But he stays against the wall. I only open my eyes enough to see him staring at me, but I pretend to have my eyes closed.
Two women come in and make quick work of moving me around the bed and getting it remade with fresh sheets and me in a fresh gown. I’m a ragdoll again, weak and powerless. I start to cry when they walk away.
Max is quick to be my side again, but I turn away from him before he can touch me. I roll over onto my right side ignoring the pain this causes. I turn into a ball and cover my face with the new sheet. I make no noise as I cry. I know he doesn’t leave, but he doesn’t touch me either. He stops at the end of the bed.
I finally stop crying, but I don’t move the sheet away.
I can hear the door open again.
And I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Lucy? Sweetie?” Mom. I start to shake and cry again. I don’t want to see her either. I don’t want anyone to see me.
“Lucy, it’s okay, sweetie.” Mom’s hand is soft, brushing my shoulder, “You’re safe now. It’s okay.”
Her touch is gentle, but it feels like a live wire on me. I don’t want to be touched. I move my shoulder to get her hand off of me, “Stop! I just want to be left alone…” It’s a whine, a plea, a yell.
“Lucy...” Max’s warning voice. So familiar.
I respond as I always do. Tingle. Pulse. I want him. I want him, but...
I move the covers and only let my eyes poke out. “I want to be left alone.” This time my voice is more even, a little stronger.
I don’t quite meet Max’s eyes. I look at his chin. But his look darkens, his jaw sets, brow frowns. He even takes one step towards me. But he stops.
Mom only pats my shoulder and says, “Okay, sweetie. We’re all here…whenever you’re ready.” She leaves squeezing Max’s arm. His face has returned to neutral, but his eyes are still narrowed.
I don’t say anything, just roll back over and pull the sheet up again.
Max doesn’t leave. He stands there watching over me. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t move.
A nurse comes in with meds. I don’t ask what they are. I just take them with my eyes averted.
I don’t roll over again, my side and wrist hurt too much. But I push into the bed more and close my eyes. Blocking out the site of Max’s eyes on me.
I can’t face what he’ll say. I can’t face what I think.
I admitted to myself that I blame him. But I can never say that to him.
I can never say how sorry I am either. It would be no use. Sorry will never change what’s happened, what I’ve been through. It wouldn’t change what Ben did.
Chapter 28 HIM
Lucy won’t open her eyes again for me. I don’t say anything. Just watch her.
She turned away from me?! When I tried to comfort her. Tried to touch her. She turned away.
I still feel as helpless as I did when she was missing. I want to scoop her up and hold her close. Never let go. But she looks so fragile. So broken.
Her breathing evens out briefly. She sleeps a little. But her body twitches, her little moans escape.
And I’m hard.
I’m fucking hard. I’m sick. Looking at her, here, like this. But her little moans…I want to make them mine again. Just like in my dreams…beaten and mine.
Instead she’s beaten beyond recognition by another man. I have to stop my hands from clenching. I have to remind myself to remain calm. That the worst is over. She’s home. She’s where she belongs.
But she turned away from me.
I’ve known fear in my life.
Fear that my deadbeat Dad would or wouldn’t come home. Fear that Mom wouldn’t be able to stop herself once she started hitting me. Fear that I wouldn’t live up to Ron’s expectations and demands.
That brief but hot fear that Lucy would leave me once she knew the truth about me.
But the fear of the past ten days. I’ve not known this. A complete helpless fear.
I’ve been what society would call a victim before. As a small kid. But even then, something in me knew that I stayed because I chose to. I had to protect my little brother. I was more afraid for him than for myself. I even stayed for my Mom. I knew she needed protecting too. She needed to be loved no matter what.
And the arrogant, cocky bastard in me always knew that I would be a success. That I’d have whatever I wanted. That I would be exactly what Ron wanted and more.
I’ve never felt helpless before. Powerless. I always had choices. And I know that it’s choices that give a person control.
That’s why I don’t give Lucy any. I am in control. Of her. Of me.
But not these ten days. And not now. She’s choosing to keep herself from me.
And I want to hurt her. For the fear. For the anger in me. For my lack of control. I want to punish her. But seeing her broken like this…I know I can’t. I know the fear and helplessness again.
Mostly…I just want to hold her. Protect her. Make her safe again. Make her mine again.
I am a monster. And I don’t care. I know who I am. Who she is. And she doesn’t have the right to hide herself from me. Not ever.
Her eyes flutter again and her breathing catches. I know she’s awake, just keeping her eyes closed.
“Lucy.”
Her eyes instantly open. Good girl.
Chapter 28 HER
His voice. The strong, deep voice I love. I crave. I need.
My name on his lips. A curse. A song. A dream?
I open my eyes. And for an instant I don’t know anything. Just him. His body. His eyes. His look.
His anger. And I respond. I moan.
But this brings back everything. Pain, confusion, fear, my own anger. I turn my head away.
His fingers turn my chin to him, but I stop whatever he’s going to say. “Can you get a nurse for me?”
I don’t meet his eyes. But he nods once and walks away.
I can’t do this! I can’t be here. With him!
All my thoughts…that I’ll never be what he wants again…that I blame him…that I was raped…Oh God.
I start to cry again. I can’t get my brain to stop circling. To focus or clear or whatever the hell I need. I’m a drain, everything just keeps running out of me and away. I want to get away!
I’m moving off the bed, trying to stand. Tubes pulling and things beeping.
A nurse and that doctor come in quickly, followed by Max, Mom and Dad.
The doctor helps me to stand. Gently. “Do you need the bathroom, Lucy?”
I nod. He helps me to walk over to the door to a small bathroom, bringing my IV bag with me. “We’d like to get a urine sample; is there a receptacle in the toilet already?” The nurse nods to this. This is so humiliating. I still can’t use the bathroom by myself. I moan in frustration and pain.
I close the door as much as I can with the IV monitor in the way.
When I come out, the doctor is gone, replaced by a new face. A short red-faced man in a crinkled suit.
The nurse helps me back into bed. I can’t believe how stiff and sore I am. The smallest motions are making me whimper and hiss. My side is on fire. I can see Mom’s face wince and Max’s face set with a deeper shade of anger.
True Control 4.1: A Dark Romance (True Series) Page 9
