And it’s funny…I know myself too well to shrink from this truth…I know that as awful as it was…I’ll get over it. The physical part anyway.
I was raped. And I can get over that. I don’t know how. I just know it’s true. Maybe killing the bastard that did this to me helps. I can feel the same smile take over my face at this thought.
The nurses and doctors have all looked with such pity on me. I’m sure I’m the whispered story in the hallways. I haven’t even dared to turn on the news. I’m the poor girl that was kidnapped and all sorts of evil done to…
But that’s not what has me thinking, worrying.
I’ll get over the pain that Ben caused me. The parts of my body that he still controls now with his pain…they’ll be mine again, hopefully…
What I can’t get over is the thought that Ben came into my life for those ten days because of a stupid impulsive move on my part. To please Max. To show him just how willing I am to be what he wants.
I watched a show once, a reality series, about a guy who would visit normal people and shake up their lives. Give them a wakeup call to make a change for the better. It was a crappy show. But I always felt sorry for the people, that they obviously needed to make a change, but they were too dumb to see it until some idiot came along to tell them.
I killed Ben. The idiot that shook up my life. I laugh…what a non-melodramatic way to put it! Laugh or cry? Neither, please…
I hold my breath until I can blink without tears. I breathe in and out a few more times, just concentrating on this.
I killed Ben. I’m glad he’s dead. He was a worthless piece of shit and he deserved to die. There. Done.
Hopefully done…but I don’t kid myself about this either. He’ll be a frequent flyer in my dreams and thoughts for a long time coming. But he’s dead at least…
I need to figure out what it is that I want. This shaken up wakeup call change to my life…what is it?!
Max. He’s filled my every thought practically since we met. I haven’t questioned my love for him. How I respond to him. That night he hurt me so badly…
Nothing like Ben.
No, that’s true…but he did hurt me. On purpose. In anger. He loves me and he punishes me. I’ve accepted this. I’d given up even questioning it…except in secret with Jake.
I haven’t seen Jake. Alex told me that he’ll see me soon, but he didn’t want to have a big crowd here. I don’t know what to think of that. I’ve gotten pretty close to him the past few months. I heard his voice in my head in the cage too. Telling me to have hope and faith in Max. That I’d be found.
I shake my head…I need to concentrate on Max…what am I supposed to do? I wish he could tell me...
Can I go back to that? Can I go back to listening to his every word, his every rule. Can I be the girl who Ben met in Rome?
How do I forgive him?
He’s why I was there, why Ben noticed me in the first place. I’ve forgiven everything else that Max has done. No. I’ve not even had to forgive…I’ve given him permission, given him myself. He could do what he pleased and I would take it. Ever since that first time he slapped me…even before then when he started to take control…I’ve been his.
I feel the familiar pulse deep in my pussy. Just thinking about Max in this way, I feel a warmth.
Am I sick? Should I get help?!
I should get some sleep, but I know damn well that isn’t going to happen. My voice in my head is even different. I never cursed this much…is this in rebellion against Max? Against his rules?
My head spins with the ways only ten days changed me, my life.
What do you want, Lucy? Pretend it’s Jake asking…how would you answer?
He would tell me to stop talking to myself like a crazy person…I stick my tongue out in the darkness and smile. A small part of me is in here somewhere, right?!
I take a deep breath.
I want Max. I can analyze this until I’m blue, but that is the truth. Fight it. Don’t. In the end, I want Max. But I have no idea how to make that happen now.
Will he be able to forgive me? I will forever bear the marks of another man. I know this is important to him. He likes to see me with a bruise or welt after he’s punished me. To remind me of his control. That I belong to him. Will he be able to still look at me the same now with Ben’s marks on me? Feel the same? I had this thought when I was alone in Ben’s car…driving crazy to get away, to get home.
In a bloody, beaten state I worried about how Max would feel when he saw me. He’d know. Right away he’d know that…what Ben did.
I can’t think anymore. I just want to stop thinking! Isn’t there a pill for this?! I’ll invent one…
It’s only been ten days. Nothing has to change. Everything can be fine…right?! Right.
I turn the TV on mute. No news. I don’t see what’s on through my tears, but I don’t feel as alone with its light.
Chapter 31 HIM
“I wasn’t sure what all to bring, so I grabbed a few things just in case.” Mom hands me a small bag filled with Lucy’s stuff. I’d asked her to pick up some clothes since the doctor said Lucy will be released this morning. I glance down and see sunglasses on top. A good idea.
I’m pretty sure our building is still a zoo of reporters. I’ve seen Eve and Killaney on the news giving reports. I’ve seen coverage of the house in Michigan. I’ve avoided seeing too much of that. I don’t need details in my head to go along with the rage I still feel.
The reporters will go away soon, but they haven’t been able to get near Lucy since she stumbled into the lobby. They want a statement, the details of her horror story. Not gonna happen.
Mom follows me back into Lucy’s room. Liz sits on the bed and nods towards the bathroom. “She’s changing.” I raise an eyebrow to this. She didn’t have anything but that sweatshirt and the police took that as evidence. “I got her something to wear from the gift shop downstairs…”
I only nod. She should’ve asked me. Lucy opens the door and I frown. She’s wearing an oversized hoody and sweatpants with flip flops. I let it go for now though. She tries to smile at all of us.
“I was finally able to brush my teeth!” Liz and Mom give a small laugh to this, but I can see the pain on Lucy’s face.
“You sure you don’t want a wheelchair for getting out of here, baby?”
“I’m sure. Thanks.” She looks at the bag I’m holding. I pull out the sunglasses and she smiles and says again in her small voice, “Thanks.”
She moves slowly with the rest of us walking near. The two security guards meet us at the elevator. Lucy only frowns at them, but doesn’t say anything.
…..
The mob around the building is as bad I thought it would be. The two guards come in handy, clearing a path for Lucy, getting her safely into the elevator without contact with anyone. Jeff helps too. The guards stay outside our door, but he follows us in.
Killaney already told me that the sad truth about stories like ours is the repeat attacks or attempts. That some freak out there gets it in their head that they know Lucy from the news and would want to get close to her. Not gonna happen.
Lucy won’t be without security ever again. I arranged with Jeff to hire a group of his ex-cop friends, as security and additional drivers. No one’s going to get close to my Lucy unless I say they can.
Lucy stands around the living room, just taking everything in. Mom has the place clean and put together. I try to see what Lucy’s seeing. Her eyes are filled with tears, but she doesn’t move.
“Why don’t you lie down, baby?”
“No. I’m going to take a shower…” She moves quietly towards the bedroom and shuts the door.
“How bout I make us all something to eat for lunch?” Mom is already heading to the kitchen.
But Paul stops her, “Why don’t we four go out and bring something back for the kids?” He smiles sadly at me. I nod.
Dad nods and Mom just quietly grabs her purse. Liz is upset though, “
I think we should all be here…just in case.”
She hasn’t spoken to me about her accusations. We haven’t talked about my spanking Lucy or telling her to mind her own business. I know she’s still upset. I don’t say anything. She’s Paul’s wife. Let him handle her. I nod to Jeff and he heads out the door.
Then I turn to follow Lucy into the bedroom. I hear everybody else walk down the hall and close the door. Good.
I didn’t want to be rude, but I’ve had enough of people around. I’m sure Lucy has too. I need some time with my wife. Alone. To straighten her out.
The bathroom door is closed. She knows better. Maybe she closed it because our parents are here? But in the back of mind…she’s been pushing me. Pushing her limits. Why? On purpose or because she’s in this strange shocked-state still?
If it’s on purpose, is it because she can get away with it? Or thinks she can anyway? She thinks I won’t do something because her parents are here or because she’s hurt? Because she wants to see how much I’ll let her get away with now? Because she wants me to be angry with her? Because she’s angry and acting out?
I clench my fists tighter.
If it’s this shocked blank state of mind, how do I get her out of it? Will she come out of it on her own, with time and patience?
Fuck. I don’t know what’s going on in her head. I’ve always been able to tell exactly what Lucy’s thinking. She’s always been so expressive and open to me.
I turn the knob and it’s locked. I can hear the shower running. I don’t pause. I’ve been too on edge, restraining myself for too long. I bust the door open in one strong punch with my shoulder.
Lucy screams and stands. She wasn’t in the shower yet, just sitting next to the tub. And she was crying.
“You know better than to lock this door, little girl.”
She doesn’t move or speak. Her face moves quickly from fear and guilt to freeze into that same blank look she’s been wearing. Her eyes still red from crying, but no tears now.
“Answer me, Lucy.”
Her breathing labors, her whole body shaking with the effort to breathe and swallow. When she finally speaks, it’s a tiny sound, but it echoes in my head, “Please…get out.”
It takes me a second to realize what she’s said. It halts me for a moment, staring at her. Taking in her blank look, her hard breathing, her shaking body. Her broken body and face.
Fuck. I can’t. I can’t do this. Not now.
But I take a step towards her anyway. I’m running on emotions and instinct. My brain is telling me to turn away and give her space, but my heart won’t listen. My body won’t listen.
She takes a step back and stops at the tub’s edge. But she meets my eyes. She crosses her arms and tries to look strong. But she’s still blank. Her eyes are blank.
“What did you say to me?” I put everything into this simple question. All my anger, my fear, my pain. I tremble with each word. My voice bounces off the marble, hurting my own ears. I didn’t yell, but it fills the room.
And something flashes in her eyes. Something like my Lucy. A hint that she’s still in there somewhere. She lowers her eyes, but keeps her arms crossed.
“I’m sorry…can I have some privacy? I don’t want you to see me…” A blank tone. To match her blank eyes, turned back up to meet mine again.
“Keep the door open.” I turn and leave. But I only sit on the bed, rubbing my hands through my hair.
Fuck!
Chapter 31 HER
I have an entourage. That’s what it feels like. A full brigade of people. Mom, Dad, Ron, Alex. Max. And his henchmen. I didn’t expect to see bodyguards. Or Jeff.
I listen to the sounds around me. Mom keeps trying to get me to talk, but I can’t. I’m numb. I only smile slightly at her. Please, shut up, Mom. When we get to our building, I’m grateful for the bodyguards. They keep the reporters and cameras out of my way.
Thank God. I didn’t even think about them being here.
When I got here in the middle of the night…it seems a dream, a nightmare…I hardly remember anything. The lights, the questions, the people pushing and pulling. And then Max. His strong arms, his shocked face.
Today, the people are kept back. I can breathe. No swarm.
And I’m almost happy. Numb and relieved.
Until we get inside. The two bodyguards stay outside the door. Are you kidding me…are they here to keep me in?! What do they need to keep out? I killed him.
I shudder thinking of this. Mom is oblivious. She’s trying to touch me and I keep moving away, further into the apartment.
But I can’t help thinking…nothing’s changed, but everything’s changed!
I look around and I can tell that it’s been cleaned and straightened. Probably Alex. But it no longer feels safe. No longer feels like home.
I head into the bedroom, closing the door against all the people. My family. My husband. I don’t want to be near any of them right now.
I want to break down. I want to have a breakdown, quietly, by myself.
I close the bathroom door and without thinking, lock it. But I keep my hand on the door. Max won’t like this if he finds out. I hesitate, should I unlock it?
No. I need to be alone. He can wait to say whatever he wants to say to me. He’s been trying to be alone with me, to talk to me. I don’t know what I should say, what I want to say. I’m too tired to form anything coherent right now.
I turn on the shower. I really need one. I start to take off the bandages and wraps. I stop when I take off the first bandage on my left arm. Bitch’s teeth marks are inflamed, white and red, puffy and sore.
I have to sit down. No tears fall, but I just stare at my arm through a watery film. I’ll always remember this. I’ll never be able to put it completely behind me, because I’ll always see these scars and I’ll always remember the feeling of her mouth cracking on the skillet. The feel of Ben on me. I may someday get over it, but I’ll never completely forget.
I hear the doorknob turn and wait for Max to demand that I open the door. But I jump up and scream when he bangs in. He’s furious. But he stops. Looking at me. I know what he sees. I’m broken, not his wife.
I almost respond automatically to angry voice. But my brain and heart are at war. Brain wins; I ask him to leave. I know I’m in trouble, but I can’t stop my brain train on its tracks to self-destruction now. And amazingly, he leaves.
I start to shake and cry. I almost wanted him to hit me. I’m not sure I could hurt any more than I do right now. But he only walked away… I was right. He doesn’t feel the same about me. He only sees a broken girl. He knows I’m not his anymore…that I can’t be.
I said I didn’t want him to see me and that’s true. I don’t think I can stand naked in front of him, not with all this. I look at my arm again and rip off the rest of the bandages. Up and down my arm are the same red angry teeth scratches and tears. My right wrist is looking less swollen, but it’s almost black with bruises. I yank off the hoodie and sweatpants. I tear off the wrap around my ribs. I’m black and blue all over.
I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t know this girl. She’s not me. I belong to Max. She doesn’t.
It takes me a long time to pull my eyes away and step into the shower. I don’t move under the water. Just let it run its course over me. When it starts to cool down, I finally wash myself. This doesn’t give me any relief, but I do feel better. Washing away the final remnants of Ben and Bitch.
I take my time drying off. I have to be gentle. I put the wrap around my ribs and wrist back on. My robe isn’t in here. So I put the hoodie and sweatpants back on too.
I stop though, seeing the candle on a side table. The same candle I stared at for ten days. I watch my hands pick it up and throw it into the trash. I don’t shed a tear, but I can feel my heart tearing.
Max looks up when I walk quietly out of the bathroom. He looks like he’s been crying. I want to put my arms around him, tell him it’ll be okay. I want his arms around me, te
lling me the same.
But we only stare at each other. Finally, his eyes narrow, “You’re not wearing that.”
I look down at myself. The clothes hang on me and the sweatshirt rubs my arm. I don’t say anything, just walk over to the closet and open the door to see what I can put on. I pull a long skirt and long sleeve t-shirt and walk back to the bathroom to change. I leave the door open though.
When I come back out, Max isn’t sitting on the bed anymore. But he returns quickly with the bag from the hospital. He pulls out gauze and bandages. “I’ll help you put these on.”
I only take them quietly, “No…I can do it...thank you.” He can’t see me. I quickly go back into the bathroom and cover my left arm with multiple strips of bandages. The mummy again. The rest of the cuts I think are okay to leave alone. The doctor only gave me instructions for caring for the bite marks and cracked bones.
I avoid looking into my eyes. I know my face is a mess. My left eye feels like it’s swimming and my right ear feels like it’s filled with cotton. I don’t need to see myself anymore.
Max hasn’t left the bedroom. I guess he’s ready to talk. I just wait.
“Come here.” Max has his stern look. The warning look. His voice the beautiful rich deep one I love. I respond without thinking about it. I stand in front of him, my head down, wet hair cooling my face, but my eyes on his. “We need to talk.” I nod slightly. “I need to talk and you need to listen.”
He hasn’t touched me. I haven’t had a physical connection with him in how long? Too long… But I don’t reach for him. I can’t. I couldn’t take his rejection.
“You’re pushing my limits, Lucy.” His voice takes on the edgier, angrier tone. “Why?”
I open my mouth, but I can’t think of what to say to him. How to explain everything in my head. I’m too afraid that he’ll say out loud that he can’t love me the same. I only close my mouth and shake my head.
True Control 4.1: A Dark Romance (True Series) Page 11
