“Answer me, little girl.”
I still only shake my head. Two trains on a headlong collision course…touch me, hit me…stop, leave me alone. He doesn’t do anything.
He sighs and puts his hands on his knees. “While you’re healing, I won’t punish you.” I knew he didn’t see me the same. “But that doesn’t mean that I’m not keeping an eye on you. You’ll get the rest you need. But you’ll keep track of the rules you’ve broken.” His look darkens even more, so familiar that I want to cry and beg him to make me his again. “What rules did you break already today, little girl?”
I shake my head, but my voice is automatic. The well-trained puppy in me, I guess. “I didn’t dress like you like. And I locked the door.”
“Good. Get your journal and write those down.” I don’t move. I wait for him to get up, but he doesn’t move either. “Now!” I jump at the roar and move towards my nightstand. I keep my running log in the drawer.
Opening the journal, I look at my handwriting, the numbers and my eyes blur. “I ran.”
Behind me, his voice sounds startled, “What?”
“I ran….I ran fast…because you made me run…all these hours…” I hadn’t thought of this before. I heard his voice in my head telling me to run. I heard his voice in the woods. I heard his voice above the sound of Bitch behind me.
But seeing the times and distances I recorded for him, I know that I wouldn’t have been able to run that fast, I wouldn’t have gotten away…if it weren’t for training to run with Max. If he hadn’t ordered me to start training all those months ago. “I got away from Ben and Bitch…”
“Don’t say those names again, Lucy.” And he gets up and walks out.
I’m left alone. With only my tears and thoughts finally.
I got away because of you, Max. You stayed in my head. Your voice telling me what do, how to survive, how to get home to you. I ran because I could, because of you. And now I’ve lost you anyway.
But I don’t say any of this. I don’t follow him. I only sit down and right the rules on a clean sheet of paper. I ignore the pain in my wrist.
Somewhere…deep…I’m starting to feel something again though.
I blame Max, myself. But without him…I wouldn’t have survived…wouldn’t have escaped. I wouldn’t be able to sit here calmly writing after everything that happened.
Max is my stability. My life. I long for his touch…I don’t care if it’s rough or tender…I am his.
But I know that he doesn’t feel the same…he probably never will.
One tear plops on the page and bleeds the ink. Will he ever see me the same way again?
Chapter 31 Him
It’s late. I’d sent Lucy to bed hours ago. She didn’t argue at least. I take another sip of scotch. I need to try to get some sleep, but I know it’s no use. I don’t want to wake her, so I’ll probably sleep in the guest room tonight if I sleep at all.
Today was rough. For everyone.
Liz kept trying to smother Lucy. Paul kept trying to get her to back off. Mom and Dad tried to stay out of the way. Jake thankfully didn’t come around at least. I don’t think I could take seeing them together right now.
Lucy…she walked around like a zombie. She wrote in her journal. I got her to do that much. It’s a start.
I’d decided to go back to basics with her. To start over, like when we first met. Reciting my rules, fearing my anger…it’s a start.
I don’t know if this’ll work, but I can’t just do nothing. I can’t let that fucking monster destroy us. She looks so fragile anymore. Like she’ll snap any second and not ever be the same.
Dad’s right. I need to give her space. But it’s not what I want to do. I want to go in there right now and take her. Show her that she still belongs to me and make her stop thinking about anyone or anything else.
Hearing her talk about him and his fucking dog. The details of everything. Fuck. I look at my empty glass. Not going to help. I put it on the glass table and walk closer to the edge of the terrace. The night air is still cold, but it feels good.
It was cold that night Lucy escaped. She was freezing in my arms, her hands and legs like ice, blue from cold and bruises. I want her to know that she’ll always be safe. That I’ll never let anything happen to her ever again.
I should’ve kept her safer. I want to tell her that she’ll never leave my side again. That she’ll stay locked in here, my private possession. I’m tempted to make this her tower. I even told Dad this. He laughed and said he knows how I feel, but that it would only harm her in the end.
I asked him if there was ever a time when Mom was unsure of herself and him, when she wasn’t behaving. He laughed at this too. Said there were plenty of times, especially in the beginning. He told me that it was when he needed to be his most strict and demanding with her.
But he reminded me again that he doesn’t think that’s what Lucy needs right now. That he and Mom never had to go through something like this. He was uncertain of what I should be doing, but made me promise to give Lucy time.
I just wish I knew what she was thinking. She won’t let me in.
Maybe she does need to talk to someone.
If she won’t talk to me, maybe I can get her to talk to someone else. To open up about what she’s thinking. How she’s feeling.
Maybe I can get her to admit why she’s pushing me away. Give me some insight into how I can pull her back.
Fuck! I’ll do anything for her. But this is hard to swallow…having to ask for help with her.
Chapter 32 HER
“Hey! You’re downstairs?” I buzz Laura into the building. And open up my front door. The two towering men turn to look at me.
“Ma’am?” The shorter one.
“My friend is coming up here.” I feel oddly defensive. I’m not sure if he’ll argue with me, on some orders from Max or something. He only nods and turns again to face the hallway.
Max finally went into the office today. It’s Friday. He has his staff meeting. PJ took Mom and Dad to the airport early this morning. I guess life is supposed to go back to normal now. Only two weeks ago I was kidnapped off the street by a monster. Today, I’m grounded. More or less.
Max didn’t tell me I’m being punished, he just stationed two bodyguards outside our door. And Max won’t let me leave the building. He said this in front of them before he left this morning. “My wife isn’t to leave the apartment today.” I expected them to click their heels and raise their arms in salute.
I laughed at first, picturing what these two would do to keep me in here. But the truth is, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to face the world just yet. I still look like crap.
Waiting for Laura, I look in the mirror and push my hair a little more forward on the left. Blood vessels are still shot, but the skin has faded a little. A few of the scabs on my neck are gone, just bright red scars now. I have bright red scars everywhere, except my arm. The deeper gashes are still open with bandages to cover them.
Laura pushes the door open and comes in, giving me a big hug, but stops when I wince from my rib. She ignores this though…I already told her on the phone yesterday that I’m tired of how much my Mom babied me while she was here. “Who are the hotties outside?”
“My watchdogs.” I had started to laugh, but calling them this…too close to what Bitch actually was…I stop and go back to my half-smile.
She doesn’t mind, she ignores it. “Well…I brought refreshments!” She pulls a bottle of champagne out of her bag. I do laugh at this. And head into the kitchen for glasses.
It’s been months since I’ve had anything to drink. While we were trying to get pregnant, I stopped. I cried when the nurse told me that I wasn’t pregnant in the hospital. But I only cried to myself, not with anyone around. I didn’t ask if she could tell if I’d miscarried or just never was…I don’t want to know. I have an appointment with Dr. Patel in a couple of weeks. Not that there’s any point right now.
Not since Max hasn’t even touched me. Hell
, he doesn’t even sleep with me. He sends me to bed each night and he doesn’t come in. His side is cold and undisturbed each morning. I don’t know if he sleeps in the guest room or the living room. He doesn’t say and I don’t ask.
Laura pours our glasses. “So…why aren’t you at work today?”
“I decided to play hooky with my bff this afternoon!” I smile and toast her for this. I think for one guilty moment about her being here without Max’s permission. He came home briefly for lunch and said he’d be back for a late dinner. He only left one chore for me. “Rest.” Well, champagne can be restful…
Besides, I’ll just write it down in the journal…won’t matter anyway. He’d have to get close to me to punish me. I down my glass and hand it to her to refill.
“Dang, girl. I’m going to have to keep up!” She downs hers too. This feels good. Feels like old times.
“Have you talked to Tracy?”
She makes a face, but laughs. “Yes. She wanted to come too, but she has a big deadline.” We both know that Max wouldn’t have allowed this. I’m pretty sure the beefcakes outside have a list of who can and can’t come in here. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s on the do not allow list. “She sends you a hug though.”
“Tell her that I’m not mad at her…or Rich…for their interviews. I know they were only trying to help me.” Yesterday, I looked up blurbs online of the coverage from when I was missing.
Laura only smiles at this and changes the subject. “So…seriously…can we get one of those guys to come in here and command them to do a striptease or something.” She fakes fanning her face.
“I’m pretty sure they’re on strict orders to stay out…” I take another big gulp, feeling the effects already. “But, hell…after another drink…maybe we’ll just have to try anyway…”
…..
Laura left about an hour ago. We drank the whole bottle and even opened another one. My head still feels fuzzy. I took a shower to try to clear it, but that just makes me sleepy.
Max text me that he won’t be home for another hour. My rib is feeling a little better, so I try for a sexy bra and thong, leaving the wrap off. Maybe if I just hang out in this in the bedroom… Looking at myself in the mirror…maybe not. I’m still a giant bruise. I grab my robe just as the doorbell rings.
It must be a pre-approved somebody because the dogs aren’t barking…This time, I laugh to myself. Laura actually did try to get them to come inside…she’s so bad! I hope they don’t report that to Max.
I open the door just holding my robe closed. I’m surprised. “Oh. Hi. He’s not here.”
“I know. He asked me to stop by…stay with you until he gets home.” Jake walks past me into the living room. This is unusual… I already have two babysitters. And I’ve hardly seen Jake since...
He takes a seat at the table, but I sit on the sofa. “So…he has something to talk to you about…?”
“No.” He looks embarrassed. Then he drops the phony polite smile and he’s just Jake. The friend I’d gotten to know over the months. Before all this. “He knows about my coming here, Lucy…to see you on Fridays.”
I’m shocked. Max didn’t say anything to me. I always assumed that if he ever found out, he’d be angry that I was keeping something from him. But I didn’t want the visits to stop. It helped to talk to Jake. He was the only one who really understood what I said when I talked about Max, about us. He always helped me to see things from Max’s side.
“He was pretty angry. So I was surprised when he called me this morning and asked if I was planning to see you today.” I nod numbly. Surprised is putting it mildly. “I told him I wasn’t. That I’d made that promise to him and I would keep it…” He looks embarrassed again.
I know Jake liked seeing me too. We didn’t always talk about Max or my problems. I thought about him today at the usual time. I wondered if he’d come by. I was disappointed when he didn’t. Seeing Laura in the afternoon helped, but it wasn’t the same. I’d hoped that maybe it was the reason he waited to see me, until we could be alone.
“Then he asked if I would, later though, closer to the time that he’d be home. He’s bringing dinner with him a little later for the three of us.” He looks embarrassed again.
“Oh.” It’s all I can think to say. I’m still too tipsy and this is all too much.
Slowly through my haze, I realize I’m angry to though. Max doesn’t even say anything about my keeping this from him and then he just casually asks his brother to come see me himself?! I feel like I don’t know him at all! We’re worlds apart anymore!
“Are you ok?” Jake looks a little concerned.
“I’m just tipsy…” I laugh at his exaggerated frown. So like his brother. “Yes…my friend dared to come into the inner sanctum and we drank some champers this afternoon…so sue me!” I’m angry with him too! How quickly he threw away our friendship and now acts like a whipped puppy for his brother! “In fact, I think I’ll just have some more.” I get up too quickly and spin a little on my toes heading towards the kitchen.
Jake follows and easily takes the bottle out of my hand. “Give me that! This is my house and I’ll do what I want, Goddammit!” He upends the bottle into the sink. “Damn you! You have no right!”
His look sends shivers up my back. God how I wish Max would look at me like that again. “Yes. I do. I’m here to keep an eye on you for Max. And you know better.” He even sounds like Max…or how he used to sound.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Why not? You don’t care what Max thinks anymore?”
I shoot him what I hope is a deadly look, but I can feel my eyes crossing a little in the effort. I can hear myself slurring a little too. “He doesn’t care anymore. Why should I?”
“He cares, Lucy. You know he does. Why are you acting like this, getting drunk in the afternoon…shutting everybody out?”
I walk back into the living room. “I’m not shutting anybody out.” I hiccup though. Dammit.
“Yes, you are. Max asked me to talk to you. Do you have any idea how hard that was for him?”
“I don’t care.” But I stop from sitting down on the sofa and turn to look at him. “He asked you to talk to me?” He nods. “About what?”
“About this. About why you’re shutting him out. Ever since…” He can’t say it. Goddammit! Coward!
“You mean ever since I was fucked by another man?” And I flinch. Jake raised his hand like he was going to slap me, but he only ran it through his hair. But I saw that same flicker in his expression. He wanted to slap me.
“Watch your mouth, Lucy. You and I both know that Max doesn’t let you talk like that. And I’m not going to stand here and listen to my brother’s wife disrespect him.”
I was shocked for only a moment. I bounce back to being pissed. I’m sobering up a little with anger. “Screw you. You were fine disrespecting him all those months you came over here. You think I’m going to listen to you now because you’re acting like his errand boy, Jake?!” And I flinch again when he takes a step closer to me. This is not the same Jake I’ve known.
But he only turns away for a second, takes two steps towards the terrace, then quickly comes back to stand close to me again. “You were hurt, Lucy. You went through something no one should ever have to go through.” He looks me up and down. “But you’re here. You’re back where you belong. With Max. Why are you throwing that away, girl?!”
“He’s throwing me away! Why don’t you ask him why?!” I yell this at him. My throat cracks, I yell so loudly.
He only blinks at me. But I keep staring at him, I don’t back down. His voice is calm and quiet when he answers, “He’s worried about you. Don’t you get that? He’s afraid to do or say the wrong thing right now…”
“No. He’s afraid to touch me. He doesn’t want to touch me. Can you blame him?” Before I even realize what I’m doing, I throw off my robe. “Look at me? Would you want me?”
I didn’t put my wraps or bandages back on after the showe
r. I stand in my barely there lacy bra and thong, my arms out for him to see every bruise, bump, gash, and slash.
Jake doesn’t move, just looks me up and down very slowly. His breathing is fast and hard. He finally lowers his eyes and turns a little to the side. “Put your robe back on, Lucy.”
I reach down and pull it up to cover my front, but I don’t put it on. My voice is near tears. “He doesn’t want me anymore, Jake. He doesn’t want a girl who will forever remind him…my body will forever remind him of what Ben did to me. A man like Max…he can’t live with knowing that…that I won’t be his only ever again…”
I move to get by him. But he grabs my arm and yanks me back to face him. “You don’t think a man like Max would want you?!” I only shake my head, too shocked to answer. His face, stern and angry, his grip cutting into my arm painfully. “I am just like Max. I’ve wanted you the moment I first saw you. In that bar. With that bruise on your face. I wanted to take you away from him. To protect you. To keep you.” He shakes me and I wince from the pain to my side and arms. And he gives me the same crooked grin that I love from Max. “But I didn’t want to protect you from me. I wanted to have you all to myself. So I’d be the only one that could hurt you.” He lets me go, shoving me back as he does. I stumble and drop my robe.
Now I feel very naked, I try to cover myself with my arms and pick it up again. “No.” He grabs it out of my hand. “No. You want to show me. Then show me.” He looks me up and down again. “You think a few cuts and broken bones would keep me away? You think seeing what another man did to you would matter to me?!” He yells this. And I shake. Not out of fear, but longing. I want to hear this. I need to hear this. But not from him. This is all wrong.
I try to walk away again, but he grabs my arm and shoves me back further. “I didn’t tell you you could go.” He stares at me and I try to cover myself again. “I think you’re more beautiful this way. I’d keep you this way if you were mine.” I can only stare at him. I don’t know this Jake. He’s never been anything but kind and gentle to me. I’ve seen hints of his darker side, but nothing like this. “Doesn’t Max like seeing you beat up? Doesn’t he get hard for you when you cry for him?”
True Control 4.1: A Dark Romance (True Series) Page 12
