Hell Inc.

by C. M. Stunich

  “Don't be ridiculous,” he snapped. “You know demon blood gives you heartburn.” I almost laughed before I realized that it wasn't actually a joke.

  “Can't I have just a little taste?” she whimpered, trailing her boney fingers down Levie's arm. I felt a surprising twinge of jealously and an uncontrollable urge to snap her little waist in half.

  “I don't suppose that you intend on upsetting my uncle. You know how irrational he can be at times.” This came from Levie whose lips began to dribble blood as he spoke. My heart stopped in my chest, and I felt the bile rise in my throat again.

  “Oh dear Leviathan, you know that we mean you no permanent harm,” replied the vampire in the bird hat, lips out in a pout. “We're just following Hahti's orders.” I was surprised to hear Levie's full name and opened my mouth to speak again. The vampire in the 'Bite Me' shirt put a finger on my lips.

  “Please,” she begged, her voice hoarse and rough as if talking was some great effort. “Please don't. The smell of demon blood makes me sick.” She leaned her head down on her knees, her raven hair brushing the floor of the limo as she grasped the edges of the seat and squeezed the leather between her fingers. “Fuck, Levie, what's your problem anyway?”

  “I am Ginger's ... caseworker.” I glanced up at him sharply. Something about the way he said that simple phrase set me on edge. Not to mention the fact that it had an air of authority that seemed utterly wrong in this situation. He and I being the kidnappees. Her back went ramrod straight, her hair flying around her face as she stared at him with surprise.

  “Oh. Wow. I thought you were finished with all that.” Her voice was tinged with just a hint of regret and something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on. She turned curious brown eyes to me and a faint smile teased the edges of her full, rouged lips. “At least she's cute,” she said, voice high and cheerful before abruptly frowning. The air in the limo climbed several degrees as I felt rather than saw the effects of Levie's magic. When next she spoke, her voice was irate. “And socially acceptable.” I had the urge to apologize profusely though I wasn't sure why. I hadn't the slightest clue as to what was going on in that car. Not a fucking clue.

  “Oh please,” Levie breathed, voice low and dangerous. “Don't be so bitter. It's unbecoming, Helena.” His mouth was curved wickedly, and his eyes gleamed with mischief. The effect of his being in complete control came to an end quickly when he coughed up an extraordinary amount of blood onto the bird hat vampire's face.

  “Ooooh,” she gasped, leaning forward and grabbing Levie's jaw roughly in her pale hand. “I have to have a taste.” She opened her mouth baring two, tiny, white fangs. Levie sat unmoving, mouth set in a stern line and eyes fixed on mine. I wanted to tell him to run, or fight, to do something, but he just sat there, unmoving. Either he wasn't afraid or the danger I thought he was in was far less severe than I was allowing myself to imagine.

  I was relieved when the demon in the cloak reached across the open space between us and grasped the dainty vampire's wrist in his hand. “Feeding on the Devil's kin is like taking true death into your very veins, Fuerella.” His voice was cool and calm, utterly self assured and completely at odds with the heated magic that surrounded his being. “How many times do I need to tell you that?” He sat back, and Fuerella released Levie with a scowl, folding her arms across her flat chest and glaring out of the tinted window nearest her.

  “You are incredibly undignified,” the vampire in the top hat sniffed, nose wrinkled. “I can't even bear looking at you anymore. It upsets my delicate sensibilities.” Fuerella turned towards him, chest inflating like a balloon and cheeks puffed out. She looked more like a spoiled child than an undead bloodsucker. What happened to the idea of dignified, cultured vampires? First Liam and now these guys. And I still didn't even know if the two sets were related although I somehow doubted it.

  “Delicate sensibilities?” she asked incredulously, touching one white gloved hand to her flat chest. “You are joking, right? I saw you rip out the throat of a rat with your teeth and then drink from him. How dare you try to talk to me about delicate sensibilities.” She nodded her head, blonde curls bobbing as if making an indisputable point.

  “You promised that you would refrain from mentioning that to anyone,” he spluttered, his own cheeks darkening with embarrassment and a scowl forming that turned his doll like face into something more frightening. Luckily, it only lasted a moment before he gained control of his emotions and smoothed his face back into its perfect mask. Apparently, one didn't need to be dignified or cultured to still be a little bit scary. I shivered.

  “What do you want with us anyway?” I finally blurted when Fuerella opened her mouth to argue again. The rest of the passengers went silent, and all eyes were focused on me. “Does this have something to do with Liam or Nathaniel?” I was betting that the four looks of disgust I received meant no, but I waited patiently, hoping for some sort of answer or explanation.

  After several moments of silence, I assumed that I was going to be ignored again. Was it a habit of powerful supernatural creatures to just ignore people? If so, it was starting to get on my nerves. “Well then, what about Levie? Are you going to let him bleed to death?” My voice squeaked slightly with the effort of speaking up to a car full of people who could kill me with a thought.

  “Do not mind them, silly girl. They are no threat to us. My cousin and his lovely husband, Thomas,” Levie nodded at the vampire in the top hat. “Are merely angry at being terminated.” I was sure my eyebrows had migrated somewhere beyond my hairline. Cousin? I turned to the demon in the hooded cloak with the familiar lips. Levie's cousin? The Devil's son?

  “What the hell?” I asked.

  “What the hell indeed,” Levie said, a smirk firmly planted on his face.

  “Now why do you always have to bring that up?” Thomas shouted, arms in the air. He shook his head and snatched a bottle of liquor from the minibar, downing it in one gulp. Thomas tried to pass the bottle to Levie's cousin, but he held up a hand. Helena took it instead.

  “Because getting fired from Hell Incorporated is the one thing that Lunen cannot bear to admit. And it is my right, as Lucifer's last remaining family member on company payroll,” Levie said smugly. Helena shook her head and gestured at him with the tiny green bottle.

  “This has nothing to do with Hell Inc. We're here on Hahti's business,” Helena snapped back. Levie growled at her, literally growled, and she raised her lip at him. The air in the car was nearing a hundred degrees, and I felt my hand inching towards the ice box on the minibar. Just one cube. Or some vodka. Or both. “Besides, this is all your fault.” She pointed her finger at him. “And hers.” She turned and glared at me. I fought the urge to cower and tried to keep my spine straight. I could at least pretend to be brave.

  “That's enough.” Lunen spoke from inside the cloak, his voice still calm and unangry. “Dwelling on past business matters will get us nowhere. Today we're here to discuss a certain issue we've been having with some of our clients lately. I would discuss the issue here and now, but Hahti seems very intent on meeting this girl in person.” He glanced up at Levie, and I saw another flash of white as he smiled again. “And I think I now know why.” Levie looked away, but I thought I saw just a hint of his own smile before he did so.

  “Oh, goody!” Fuerella flung open the limo's door and leapt from the still moving vehicle. We were in the process of rolling to a stop, but it was still rather disconcerting. Vampire or not, I still half expected to see her body rolling along the pavement. She managed to land quite easily though and whirled around in a flurry of skirts. “Come along now!” She gushed tiptoeing back over to us and sticking her head back into the car after we'd finally slowed completely. “Thomas,” she nodded her head at the top hat vampire. “And I will escort you while these three attend to another matter.” I looked over at Levie and tried to figure out what it was that he wanted me to do. I was utterly useless really; I hadn't even remembered the dagger.

&
nbsp; “Go along,” he said slowly, eyes locked onto Lunen. “They will not harm you.” Lunen nodded as if in acceptance, and I allowed myself to be dragged out by Thomas. The very first thing I saw was the sphinx who trotted up to me and immediately regaled me with another bit of useless advice.

  “The actions of a friend are often mysterious,” it told me sternly, and I kicked my foot at it.

  “Traitor.” The sphinx leapt nimbly out of the way and galloped ahead of us to what appeared to be the back doors of an enormous office building. I took a quick glance around before being hustled to the doors myself, but I couldn't make out my surroundings at all. Most of the buildings around us were dark, their doors closed for the night. I could see a street sign on the corner, but it was impossible to read with the lack of outdoor lighting. We'd been driving for such a short while that I was surprised to find myself completely lost. I couldn't have been far from home yet it didn't even look like the same city.

  “Where the fuck are we?” I whispered to the sphinx as Thomas dragged me into the building behind him. The sphinx furrowed its golden eyebrows at me and sighed.

  “A lost man can always be found.” I tried to kick it again, but Fuerella intercepted me, snatching my arm from Thomas's grasp. He paused to light a cigarette in what looked to be a lobby. There were sandwich boards everywhere with photos of canary yellow condos and periwinkle beach houses surrounded by smiling supernaturals. There was even a small poster of a mermaid next to an underwater cottage made of stones. I did not have the slightest idea what was going on. I may have been able to see things that others couldn't, but it wasn't like I interacted with them on a regular basis. In fact, I avoided interacting with them altogether. Now I remembered why. Stupid fucking newspaper ad.

  I leaned towards the front counter as we passed and tried to snatch the titles off some of the brochures. 'Make Your Last Stand Here' and 'Retirement: The Golden Years' were the only two that stuck out at me. That only confused me more.

  “Where are we?” I asked as Fuerella continued to drag me through the overdone red and gold lobby and away from the sphinx, Thomas, and Levie. God, I hoped he was okay.

  “Come with me, little one,” she said in her sticky, candy sweet voice. “Hahti is a busy woman. We don't want to keep her waiting.” Fuerella paused at a set of double doors at the end of a hallway. The brass plate was hard to read in the dim lighting, but I made out the words 'Chief Executive Officer' before Fuerella wrenched the door open and shoved me inside, giving me my first look at the woman who had ordered Levie and me kidnapped.

  Hahti wasn't exactly what I was expecting. She stared at me, or at least I thought she was staring at me (I couldn't tell since her face was covered in bandages) and motioned me into the room. My eyes caught immediately on her rectangular, gold “3rd Century Realty” badge glimmering in the static, commercial glow of the fluorescent lights. Her hands were folded atop the gleaming oak conference table, and her red blazer was pressed and buttoned in the center giving her a very professional appearance at odds with the dusty brown and white of her bandaged skin. I had seen mummies before, sure, in museums, in pictures, on T.V. but never like this. Never sitting across from me in a sterile gray and white office complete with ficus tree (why are those so popular anyway?).

  I gave Fuerella a “Please God, help me” look to which she responded by shoving me down forcefully into a very uncomfortable chair before retreating to stand next to the mummy/CEO. I gulped down a big breath of air which got caught uncomfortably in my throat and ended up coughing violently for several minutes. No one offered a glass of water or a pat on the back either. They just sat there and waited for me to finish. When I was done, face red and lungs burning, she finally spoke.

  “Igh dung noga logagalog,” is what she said or at least it's what it sounded like she said. I tried to school my face into a pleasant mask so she wouldn't read my confusion at her words. I was determined not to piss off any more supernatural creatures than was absolutely necessary. I was starting to realize this was going to be my key to surviving this whole stupid wishing experience. The ragged bandages across her mouth didn't stop Fuerella from understanding her, and she began to translate. “Welcome to my office, Ginger.” Fuerella faced me while she spoke but turned back to Hahti when she was finished.

  “Ig blog nodda goo log.” Fuerella nodded and continued.

  “I'm sorry we couldn't meet under better circumstances.” Pause.

  More gibberish.

  “But I really do need to speak with you about your latest wish ... ” My latest wish ... the museum fiasco. I wasn't entirely certain what I had done, but Levie had assured me that I was within the rules. What could have possibly gone wrong now? Fuerella waited patiently, blue eyes back to normal. She was far less scary like that. “Do you know what we do here, Ginger?” I tried to meet Hahti's eyes or at least where I thought her eyes would be and shook my head. I had no idea if she could see me or not as she continued. “3rd Century Realty provides comfortable, affording housing for those looking for quiet, exotic places to spend their golden years.” Wow. Was not expecting that one. A vampire/Minotaur drug ring and now a vampire/mummy retirement community. I thought I had seen it all; I hadn't even scraped the surface. “We've been providing that service uninterrupted for eighteen centuries!” I hadn't noticed a raising of Hahti's jumbling voice when she'd spoken, but Fuerella practically screeched the last part at me as Hahti slammed her fist onto the table, losing a thumb in the process. Unfazed, she scooped up the lost appendage and stuck it in the pocket on the front of her blazer.

  “My clients enjoy the relative solitude they find in your dimension. With so many insensitive, magic-less people walking about, your world is a virtual smorgasbord of activities, sights, and sounds unaccompanied by stress or pressure. If your ignorant, ape-like people were to start interfering with that, you can see where we might run into a problem.” Fuerella pursed her pale lips tightly and cocked her head to the side, eyes boring into my skull as Hahti tilted her head in the same manner. It was bizarre and unnerving to say the least. I ran my finger along the neckline of my shirt, suddenly feeling like I was running out of air and trying to pretend she hadn't just insulted me several times in the last couple of minutes. I didn't know what to say to that or even if I was supposed to respond so I sat and waited, both of my buns already asleep from the hard surface of the chair. I wanted to know where Levie was, and I wanted to know that he was okay. I wanted to go home and forget all of this ever happened, but apparently things were going to get much, much worse.

  “Now, Ginger,” Fuerella continued after Hahti, filling in the silence. “I'm a reasonable woman. I'm also very well acquainted with Hell Incorporated and its policies so I'm going to cut you some slack. I want this to stop. I don't want your people seeing my people. Got it?” Hahti snapped her fingers in a flurry of dust and sand, and the sphinx sauntered into the open door wearing a different headdress than I'd seen it in before. This time it was black and somehow, very ominous. The sphinx bared its flat, human teeth at me in a snarl, and I leaned away from it. I'd come to accept the sphinx as a friend, and now it was going to threaten me? How lame was that?

  “The situation isn't dire yet. It seems that the effects have been mostly limited to this area, but you know how it all works, don't you? The more people that believe, the more that see. We're having enough problems with our dear vampire and werewolf customers. We don't need another catastrophe on our plate.” Hahti smoothed her hands down the front of her blazer, and Fuerella copied her by running her own down her full skirts. “I'm going to send the sphinx with you to monitor your progress. You've got two weeks, Ginger. Two weeks.” She snapped her fingers again, and more dust sprinkled onto the pristine surface of the table. The sphinx growled once more before schooling its expression back to the blank pleasantness I had come to accept.

  “Ticktock. Ticktock. Time discovers truth,” it said, and I clenched my fist to keep from smacking it.

  “I've tried to alert the
Devil to this, but he won't take my calls. Hopefully, we can resolve this little issue between us. Isn't that right, Ginger?”

  “Yeah, sure. I'll take care of it.” Good. I sounded confident, unafraid. I may have been about to piss my pants, but no one would be the wiser. Good for you, Ginger. Hahti nodded and stood, giving me my first view of her matching red pencil skirt and scrawny, bandaged legs, the white tips trailing across the carpet as she moved around the table towards me. I tried to smile, but it turned into more of a grimace as she passed me, and I was regaled with a smell usually reserved for attics and old sheds. I glanced at the sphinx, and it smiled once before turning its head quickly and beginning to groom the spot at the base of its tail. Fuerella remained where she was, and we both waited patiently until the door closed behind the mummy.

  I was startled when Fuerella let out a burst of furious laughter. She wiped some tears from her eyes as I glared at her. “What's so funny?” I snapped, forgetting my earlier self advice to not piss off vampires. Luckily, whatever had made her laugh kept her from decapitating me. The thought made me remember my mother, and I felt a wave of cold wash through me. Forget about that for now. One issue at a time.

  “Oh, nothing. I'm just thinking of some blog I read today.” She shook her head, hands planted on her hips. “You really have no idea what kind of trouble you're in, do you?”

  “What does a blog have to do with me?” Vampires read blogs? I didn't even read blogs. I was way behind the times. I pushed away from the table and stood up, rubbing my butt in an attempt to regain some semblance of circulation in my cheeks.

  “Let's just say you shouldn't be surprised if you get some unexpected visitors in the next couple of days.”

  “What are you talking about?” Fuerella shook her head and put a finger to her lips. I wondered if it would be worth it to use one of my wishes to wring her skinny, little, undead neck.

  The door opened again, and I saw it was Thomas, the top hat vampire, face frozen into a scowl. “Time to go. We're having some trouble with the genies.”