Hell Inc.

by C. M. Stunich

  Irrationality may not be anyone’s favorite trait in a person, but well, everyone’s got at least a little bit of it, and it was currently encouraging me to check this situation out. I sat on the edge of the bed and waited, phone in hand, while my conscious tried to talk me out of listening to the guy who had attempted to date rape me. I tapped the receiver against my hand a couple of times before dialing Erin's number. We didn't talk often, but she usually answered when I called. She picked up on the second ring.

  “Erin,” I said as calmly and as cheerfully as I possibly could. There was nothing on the other end but heavy breathing. I tried not to panic. Levie wouldn't betray me. He wouldn't. This was obviously some fucked up ploy by Terrence to get to me. For what reason, I couldn't say. Maybe it was my supposed 'Guardian' status that had him so intent on me. Whatever it was, I almost jumped from my skin when she finally spoke.

  “Ginger.” Her voice was ragged, strained. “There are fairies here. Real fairies. They're going to kill me if you – ” Her voice was broken by a deep grunt. I stood up in alarm. I wanted to reach through the phone and rescue her right then. I almost died from stress while I waited tensely for her next words. “They want you to come home. Alone. Now.” Before I could ask her if she was okay, a click let me know that the call was over. I slammed the receiver down on the cradle and raced to the door.

  The hallway and the stairs were empty; I had a straight shot to the front door. I had to hurry; if the sphinx saw me then everything was for naught. They said come alone. It was stupid, cliché even, but I didn't know what else to do. If Terrence was really holding Erin hostage, Levie would come in handy, but what if Terrence was telling the truth? I had to take the risk. If another person died because of me, I was going to check myself into the loony bin.

  I crept down the stairs and twisted the handle, checking over my shoulder to make sure that no one had seen me and made a run for it. Jogging stupidly down the sidewalk quickly tired me out, so I resorted to walking. Stupid fucking 3rd Century Realty. What do they need my raggedy old truck for anyway?

  I had made the decision to go back to my apartment weaponless, but at least I could use the dagger if I could get to it. I had left it at home again despite Levie's previous warnings. If it really was spelled in combat, I'd be fine though, right? Besides I had wishes and a very strange inner voice that swore up and down that in a pinch, I'd be Jackie Chan fierce. It so wasn't true (think Minotaurs and wheelchair vampires), but I believed it anyway.

  About halfway there, I was out of breath and decidedly grumpy. What kind of rescue attempt would I be making if I spent an hour walking? I dug around in my pocket for some change and stopped at the nearest bus stop. While I was waiting, I began to notice something disturbing.

  In all of my life, the creatures that I had seen had never looked twice at me without my giving them a reason to do so. Today, they were all staring at me. Every single one of them, from the sirens standing next to me at the bus stop to the gargoyles on the roof of the library, they glared at me as if I were the single most offensive thing on the planet. Creatures that I hadn’t known were even capable of glowering, such as the nine tailed fox in the crosswalk, were giving me the look as well. Needless to say, the wait for the bus was a long one. I avoided making any eye contact and when it finally did arrive, I sat alone in the front.

  Luckily for me, I made it back without incident. Unfortunately, it felt more as if they were all waiting for something rather than that they'd actually decided to leave me alone. My heart was beating loudly as I took the stairs at a run, but it couldn't disguise a rather strange buzzing sound coming from my apartment. A green light flickered underneath the doorway, and I hesitated before opening it, logicality finally hitting my brain with an almost painful sensation.

  I pulled my hand away from the knob and turned around. No, going in the doorway with the magical green light was not an option. Not unless I wanted to end up charred, barbequed and filleted immediately thereafter. Idiot. My conscious reminded me. I turned around, fully intending on going back to Levie’s house when a blurry red light flickered into my vision, and I wound up lying on the ground, kissing the cement. My left temple throbbed, and I could feel sticky blood dripping down the side of my face. Hands grasped my arms on both sides and pulled me up, dragging me into my apartment and tossing me onto my own couch. I blinked the stars in my vision away and tried to focus on who, or most likely, what, had hit me.

  Oh. Shit.

  It wasn't necessarily that I wasn't a fan of fairies. Really. It wasn't that. It was that I wasn't a fan of being taken hostage by a group of fairies. Now, don't get me wrong. It's not the shame factor of being captured by six inch, butterfly winged, sparkly beings. Fairies are actually quite mean.

  "Don't you fucking move," one of them spat at me, her monarch wings moving in a blur, and red sparkles of anger dripping onto my couch. "Sit the fuck down." I sat and watched the glittery cloud move in closer around me. The flowery scent that clung to the air was rather cloying, and I resisted the urge to gag. The one with the candle stick that had valiantly struck me a rather painful blow to the temple landed on the carpet directly in front of me and began to grow. She didn't stop until she towered over me. Her wings brushed the walls and the roof, and the scowl on her pretty mouth was even more menacing. "Look you," she told me, pointing one pastel green finger at me. "We had enough problems before you came along. People mocking us with their ridiculous costumes, calling out at all hours of the night, trying to snap pictures. Now some of them can actually see us, you moron." Inwardly I winced, outwardly I remained calm. I tried to channel some of Levie’s arrogance into my voice.

  “And uh, what does that have to do with me exactly?” Okay, so I sounded nothing like Levie but playing dumb worked just fine. The faerie tapped me between the eyes with the candlestick, and I swayed slightly as more stars burst into my vision.

  “Don’t you dare fucking pretend that this isn’t entirely your fault. That little blonde bitch was more than willing to talk,” she sneered again and then spit angrily onto my carpet. I rubbed the spot on my forehead and wondered who the hell she was talking about.

  “Who?” I asked tentatively, hoping they hadn't hurt someone, and that I didn’t have even more items to add to my Guilty Ginger list. The faerie smiled wickedly and shook her head slowly.

  “That's none of your concern. However ... ” Her smile intensified, and she leaned down towards me until our faces were inches apart. “We found that another of our witnesses was much less willing to participate.” She straightened and snapped her fingers. Another of the large fairies came around from behind the couch and handed her a small photo then resumed his guard-stance next to me, arms crossed and face stoic. She stared at the picture for a moment and then handed it to me.

  I almost choked on my own spit. Erin. Tied to a chair. Great. Maybe I did dislike fairies. “What the hell is this?” I squeaked, wincing as the faerie frowned down at me. I didn’t know if I could handle another candlestick blow to the head.

  “That’s a warning to you,” she snarled. “Undo the damage and we’ll let your friend go.”

  “She's not my friend,” came to my lips automatically, but I bit my tongue. They wouldn’t care, not really. I raised my head to meet her gaze and attempted a sardonic smile.

  “So let me guess, if I take away this gift,” I ground this last word out between my teeth. “Of being able to see you away, you’ll let Erin go without hurting her?” I sighed and nodded because really, what else was I going to do? The glittering cloud hovering around the ceiling certainly wasn’t going to back down on any threats made by yours truly.

  “Good. Then we’re on the same page. We’ll give you until next week.” Wow. So I had a week less than the mummy had given me. Perfect. Now I could be in an even worse time crunch. I winced as she tossed the candlestick onto the couch next to me and shrunk back to her normal size. The buzzing intensified as the crowd swarmed into the hallway and the last faerie to remain human
sized slammed the door behind them.

  I sat numbly, staring at a spot on the carpet. My landlord’s probably going to charge me for that one, I thought stupidly. Faerie dust stains were not covered under normal wear and tear. I curled up into a ball on the couch and stared at the photograph. Erin looked petrified, eyes swollen from crying, cheeks red and blotchy.

  “You have a right to be scared,” I told her, “If you knew just how much shit I was in.” I considered and discarded several different wish ideas and then gave up trying. Swinging my feet onto the ground, I stood shakily and rubbed at my temple again. “Fucking fairies,” I swore because it made me feel better.

  I went into my bedroom to find not only the knife Levie had tried to give me but also the sphinx lying on the bed. It stared straight at me, its eyes piercing and sharp and said, “Sometimes, what you seek can be found right under your nose.” I stared back at it and shook my head. Of course it had found me. Of course.

  “Go fuck yourself.” I ignored it and rolled the knife around in my fingers wondering what it would feel like to actually use it. Most likely, I would never get the chance. By the time someone or something was close enough to me, it would be too late. I slipped it under my belt anyway and tried to think of what to do next. The answer was obvious but painful. I had to go back to Levie and explain my rashness and hopelessly absent self preservation skills. I glanced at the phone and wished I had his mother’s number. It was a long walk of shame back.

  The sphinx stretched and climbed onto the floor. It trotted around the bed to me and cocked its head to the side. “Remember, the treasure is still in the shipwreck,” he said, whatever the fuck that meant. I shrugged anyway and pulled the picture from my pocket and showed it him. His all too human mouth turned up at the corners, and he gave me an idiom in a very cheerful tone of voice.

  “The devil is in the details.” I frowned.

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I turned the picture around and studied it carefully. If I could figure out where Erin was being held, maybe the sphinx and I could get her out. The fairies would probably still try to kill us, but it would make me feel better to know she wasn’t being held captive somewhere. I studied the photo closely but didn’t see anything that could alert me to her location. As I was putting it back into my pocket, the sphinx trotted out into the living room.

  When it came back, it was carrying the candlestick. It dropped it at my feet like a dog with a bone and waited patiently while I picked it up. The engraving on the handle (which had obviously been torn straight out of a wall since said candle was an electric imitation) was for the Everett Hotel. I grinned as I squeezed the cold metal in my hand and picked up a phone to call a cab.

  “Why are you helping me?” I asked the sphinx as I stood nervously fidgeting on the sidewalk. It wasn’t just the supernatural beings glaring at me that were making me jumpy, though that was a large part of it, but I was worried about what I was going to do when Levie found me. I was sure that it was only a matter of time before he did, and he was going to be pissed. Admittedly, I had made a stupid decision but doesn't everyone at some point? Granted mine was just one in a very long series of bad decisions... I chalked it up to youth and inexperience and breathed a sigh of relief as the taxi cab pulled up to the curb. The sphinx declined to answer me as we both climbed into the backseat, and I gave the driver directions. I was damn lucky that I'd had some cash stored in a jar in my bedroom. This whole wishing thing was turning out to be far less profitable than I had originally thought.

  The ride to the hotel was short, and it didn’t take me long to find the stairs and start on my way up. I had no idea where I was going but the sphinx was sniffing the floor like a bloodhound, and I was following, feeling stupid for trusting my captor but not really having much other choice. When we reached the fifth floor, the sphinx pawed at the door, and I pushed it open slowly, letting it bound through first.

  It wasn’t until we turned the corner that I saw it. I paused, wondering if it would ignore me as everything always had or if this whole staring at Ginger situation was about to get a whole lot worse.

  The yeti was pissed; that much was obvious. But really, what can you say to an angry yeti? “How's it going?” I asked him, trying to avoid conflict altogether and sidle my way down the wall and into a nearby elevator, vowing to come back after it was gone. That wasn't going to happen as the doors had just opened to reveal a second yet slightly more pissed looking yeti. "I was on the board for the yeti protection act," I lied to him stupidly, trying to smile and resist the urge to cough up blood. He didn't say anything, just stood there and stared at me. "Do you speak English?" I asked it. It stared some more and then switched its gaze to its companion who had moved out of the elevator and stood blocking the hallway. With the stairs and the elevator out of the question, my options were fairly limited. Maybe I could defenestrate myself ... "Is there something I can do for you?" I asked the new yeti who was holding a spiked club in its massive hands. "Something that doesn't involve dying or being maimed, dismembered, or beheaded?"

  The fist yeti grunted at the second yeti who moved forward menacingly. Its gaze flicked rapidly from me to the first yeti, and it mumbled something unintelligible. I coughed and cringed as both their icy gazes swung to me. The next thing I knew, the second yeti was on top of the first and beating it in the head with the club. Shocked, yet rather relieved to not be on the end of the rapid swings and wet thuds, I stood up and made towards the elevator at a run.

  "You no move, human!" The second yeti screeched, releasing the first and sprinting after me, grabbing me by the shoulder and flinging me into the wall. The sphinx stood silently by and made no move to help. The bastard. "You cheating human, you no leave!" The first yeti, surprisingly still alive despite the intense spray of blood in the hallway, stood up and rubbed at a gaping wound in his forehead.

  "Gyiarava! I told you, I no cheating! Especially not with hairless, smelly human!" The second yeti turned and glared angrily at the first.

  "You lie," It (she maybe?) said rubbing at suddenly tearful eyes. "You run away to this human? How you no cheat?" The broken English was getting to be a little much for me.

  "Hey there, Gyadaba, or whatever your name happens to be, you don't actually think ... " I looked at the first yeti's large, white furry body and shuddered. "Well, you know." The second she-yeti had begun sobbing and threw herself into the first yeti's arms. The situation was getting a bit too awkward for me to handle. "I guess I'm just gonna go now," I said, inching my way away from the two embracing yetis. The he-yeti pointed at me with one thick, hairy finger.

  "No, I know you. You no go. I angry with you, Ginger Malloy." At the sound of my name, I stopped trying to escape, curiosity replacing my fear. As always, I berated myself for being so stupid but hell, I wasn't going anywhere until I found out where he'd gotten my information from.

  "Have you been talking to that damn mummy?" I asked him, angry already. The yeti glared at me with his blue eyes.

  "You make people see us," he grunted, stroking the she-yeti's wiry back fur. "You bring more humans to our home and they take pictures." Great. Another one.

  "Well, I'm working on that," I said, sheepishly. This was getting to the point of ridiculousness; first it was the vampires/mummy, next the fairies, and now freaking yetis. Awesome.

  "Can I go now?" I asked the two French kissing yetis. They broke apart just long enough for both of them to glare at me.

  “You no go anywhere, we need have word with you,” I bit my bottom lip and tried to think of some excuse plausible enough to not have this conversation.

  “Look,” I said, holding my hands out in a placating gesture. “My friend is being held captive by a group of crazy and probably schizophrenic fairies.” Maybe I could appeal to the yetis' sensitive sides, if they even had them. “Anyway, I'm not going anywhere until I get her out of here.” I pointed at the nearest door, not really knowing which one I was looking for without the sphinx's help. He looked as if
he were perfectly content to let me figure that part out for myself.

  Both yetis looked askance at the door. “We open this for you, you help us?” I didn't know what helping them entailed, but I figured after looking at their biceps (which were thicker around than your average tree trunk) that I would end up being bullied into it regardless.

  “Yeah, sure,” I murmured, stepping back to allow the first yeti I had met to stomp over and grip the doorframe with his massive hands. In less than a second I was greeted with the image of a young couple having sex on their dining room table. In less than another second, I was greeted with them screaming and the other guests opening their doors and gaping at me. They couldn't see the yeti of course, but what they could see was me, standing there with a floating doorframe. How that must have looked. I tried to smile, but I'm pretty sure that all I got was a horrible grimace.

  “I'm with management,” I said ridiculously. “We're remodeling the hall.” The yeti looked back at me.

  “This your friend?” it asked me, lurching forward before I could answer and grasping the man by the collar. I held my hands up and took a step back.

  “No, no, sorry. Sorry,” I gave a half-assed wave to the shaking couple (who had just experienced being ripped apart by an invisible entity and thus were a bit shaken, as they were entitled to be). “I got the wrong room, it's this one.” I pointed to the only unopened door in the entire hall. The she-yeti rolled her eyes at the he-yeti and said something else in their guttural language before proceeding to remodel the other door in much the same manner as the first. I pushed past her and stumbled inside.

  Surveying the immaculately clean room, it was obvious that Erin wasn't there. There were no fairies either. “Thank the gods for small miracles, I suppose.” Seeing as to how there was only one hallway, my exploration didn't last long. The door at the end of the hall was locked but luckily for me, I still had my yeti carpenters. “Hey furry,” I pointed to the door. “Can you help me out with this?” The yeti grunted and squeezed down the hallway. Her body smashed me into the wall, and I thought I was going to suffocate, what with the compressed airway and the smell of unwashed dog wafting through the room. This time she kicked the door, sending it smashing into an inanimate object in the center of the small bedroom. This inanimate object turned out to be Terrence, tied to a chair.