Tokyo Love

by Diana Jean

  “The end of summer? Screw summer and its humidity. I think the only reason I’m not sweating through this yukata is become I’m wearing so many layers under it.”

  Yuriko suddenly pointed. “Look!”

  Kathleen turned around, just glimpsing a flash of fireworks between the tall buildings. Passing another street, she spotted another bright explosion. “Where are they shooting them?”

  “On the river. This is our stop. Let’s see if we can get a decent spot.”

  Kathleen assumed what Yuriko meant by a “decent spot” was not a nice patch of grass or tarp laid out near the edge of the river. Stepping off the bus, even Kathleen could tell that there were too many people for that to be even a remote possibility. The crowds pressed around them and Kathleen reached out, desperate not to lose Ai or Yuriko in the crush.

  Strangely enough, they both took her hands, pulling her forward.

  Kathleen knew she probably looked like some kid, having two people hold her hands. Yet it felt good. Both of their grips were secure and they led her forward like they had planned it all ahead of time. Well, maybe they had.

  Kathleen looked at the people passing, surprised to see many girls with much more flamboyant yukatas than hers. A number of foreigners were wearing them too. Kathleen was a little jealous of the male version of the yukata, if only because it was much more loosely worn and looked much less stifling in the summer heat.

  They walked into a long line of special booths set up. Lanterns trailed across the street, bathing everything in yellow or red light. The food smelled amazing and Kathleen could see smoke rising up behind the booths. A couple walked by with something like a squid on a stick. Kathleen probably would have been more afraid of it, but it looked deliciously greasy and she was pretty hungry.

  “What are we getting to eat?” she asked.

  Ai answered, “Let’s try a selection. Yakitori, chicken on a stick. Takoyaki, those are octopus balls. Hmm, what else?” She looked to Yuriko.

  “I’ll want the ikayaki. Uh, the grilled squid.”

  Kathleen couldn’t help but pipe up eagerly. “I want that squid thing.”

  Yuriko seemed surprised. “You do?”

  “It looks too amazing to pass up.”

  “I thought you’d be intimidated by it.”

  “I thought I told you that I can be an adventurous eater. I’m just not adventurous enough to come out to a place like this by myself.” She paused. “Or order it by myself for that matter.”

  Yuriko smiled fondly. “Okay, well this place is selling and the line doesn’t seem too outrageous.” She pointed to a booth just across the street.

  Ai dropped Kathleen’s hand. “I’ll go scout out some places for the rest of the food.”

  Kathleen tensed, feeling nervous. “Will you be all right?”

  “I’ll be just fine.”

  “You don’t have any problems with this area? Not too much data input?”

  “No, your patch is working perfectly.”

  “Do you have a way to call me if there is a problem?”

  Ai tapped Kathleen’s forehead. “I’m practically a walking phone. Don’t worry. You won’t even notice I’m gone.” Then she slipped away into the crowds.

  Kathleen watched her go, blending in too perfectly with her Japanese appearance and yukata. Yuriko pulled Kathleen into the line for the booth. Yuriko nudged her shoulder when Kathleen kept trying to look up around the crowds. “Don’t worry. All PLCs come with a tracking GPS signal. Standard issue.”

  Kathleen sighed. “I guess it doesn’t matter if she does anything weird. The beta will probably go live next week and then there will be a couple hundred of those walking around Tokyo.”

  “I still can’t believe they will release so many at first.”

  “It’s the personalized nature of the product. The more testers, the better the results. Besides, Mashida is hoping to have thousands rolling out by next year.”

  “Tens of thousands, according to the pressure I’m under.”

  Kathleen grinned, kind of feeling a little excited. She knew she was kind of in the “calm before the storm” phase of the PLC project. Yet going to beta, even though it was still much earlier than anticipated, was pretty amazing. All those months, years if she included the development before her, were finally coming to fruition. A real product, not just one like Ai, but hundreds all looking and acting differently, while abiding by the same fundamental rules that Kathleen helped lay out.

  Of course, with the thousands of people around her, pressing and laughing and talking, it hardly felt like a “calm.” However it was good enough and Kathleen found herself squeezing Yuriko’s hand, forgetting she was still holding it.

  For a moment, she froze, suddenly afraid that she should probably pull away. It was ridiculous, her need to latch onto something when she was intimidated or excited. She looked to Yuriko, waiting for an expression of surprise, maybe even annoyance.

  Yuriko just smiled down at her and gently squeezed her hand back.

  Kathleen knew she was in trouble.

  Yuriko was ordering and then brandishing a rather succulent looking squid in front of Kathleen’s face. Hungry, not caring how it looked, Kathleen just bit into it, tearing off a rubbery piece. The flavor wasn’t strong, a little salty and a little smoky from the grill. It was wonderfully chewy and her and Yuriko made quick work of it as they walked down the path.

  Fireworks suddenly shot above them and many people paused and clapped. Kathleen could hear a voice over the speakers spread around the festival.

  “What are they saying?” Kathleen asked.

  “They are announcing who is sponsoring the fireworks. Oh, look! Taiyaki!”

  Taiyaki was a fish shaped pastry, filled with a sweet bean paste. It was warm and not too sweet. Kathleen had no idea why it was shaped like a fish. As far as she could tell, all of them were stuffed with only sweet ingredients like chocolate or cream. She and Yuriko shared it. Then they shared a beer. Then a snow cone, which tasted just like any snow cone Kathleen had ever had in America. Eventually they came across a stand selling grilled beef tongue on a stick, which Kathleen had to try. It was wonderfully tender, but a little on the salty side.

  They had practically walked down one of the streets of booths, eating their way, barely stopping long enough to see a few fireworks flashing over the river. They also kept their hands clasped the entire time and though Kathleen knew she should pull away, she would see something great, like a booth selling frightening looking masks or a game where you could win a goldfish. Then she would have to pull Yuriko toward it. Or Yuriko would find another traditional matsuri food that Kathleen just had to eat. Honestly, Kathleen couldn’t get enough of it.

  So it just felt right to stay connected, bumping shoulders in the large crowd, leaning close to share the food or to hear each other speak. Kathleen was getting caught up again. She knew she should stop, before she did something stupid.

  They walked along the river, still among the crowds. There was less shouting or the sounds of cooking food here. The loudest noise was coming from the fireworks exploding around them. There was no place to stop, not even a bare strip of grass or concrete that wasn’t a walking path covered by people sitting on tarps, so they kept walking.

  A large firework went off, so bright and loud that Kathleen hesitated, backing slightly into Yuriko. The white sparks filled the sky for a moment, turning the night into a false day. Eventually they faded into the darkness, the remaining pinpricks of light indistinguishable from the city lights across the river.

  They came across a large, grassy park, bursting with people sitting. “We’ll probably be able to find something here, with just the two of us.” Yuriko pulled Kathleen into the crowd and it was amazing how much more quiet it seemed here in comparison. Everyone was talking in low, intimate tones, whispering over bottles of beer or paper fans.

  They weren’t able to sit, but there was a spot next to a low wall that they were able to squeeze into. It wasn�
��t large enough for both of them, even with the people beside them politely scooting away. So Yuriko pushed Kathleen forward to lean against the wall. Kathleen was grateful for the small support. She hadn’t realized how sore and tired she had gotten from walking around.

  Yuriko faced her, head tilted toward the river and the fireworks still going off. The variety of fireworks was incredible to Kathleen, not just large booming ones that filled the sky with neon green and red. There were kinds that scattered across like shimmering waterfalls, or others that sped away in tight spiraling lines.

  Kathleen looked down, the space between her and Yuriko just lit up enough that she could see their hands held loosely. Kathleen knew she should let go, that she had to. Instead she found herself gripping tighter. The fireworks were brighter now, shooting off rapidly together in a crescendo. She pulled Yuriko closer, for no other reason than she just kind of wanted to.

  Yuriko took a step closer, facing her now, legs pressing Kathleen against the wall. It was hard to see her expression. The fireworks were lighting up behind her, silhouetting her with color and overwhelming sound.

  Yuriko said something then, but Kathleen couldn’t hear. She tilted her chin up, confused.

  Yuriko leaned forward. Her cheek was suddenly pressed against Kathleen’s, one hand on her neck, the other gripping Kathleen’s hand so tightly that she could feel her pulse.

  “What do you want? Onegai … please, tell me. I need to know.”

  Her breath was warm and she smelled like food and sweat and a soap that Kathleen realized she recognized. That she had been so close to Yuriko so many times she had memorized her favorite scent. Her cheek was warm and Kathleen could feel her long hair brushing her lips, silky and smooth.

  What did she want? To be caught up in this moment, filled with wonder and the new experience? Did she want to act impulsively, just giving in to what she thought she wanted?

  Kathleen turned away, pushing Yuriko from her. Then she stumbled from the wall, back down the park. She had to get back to the crowds. She wasn’t thinking right. She had to get back to somewhere brightly lit. Yuriko caught her just as she spotted the first booth.

  “No. Not this time,” Yuriko said, loud enough that Kathleen didn’t have to turn around to hear it. “We will talk to each other now. Plainly.”

  Kathleen stopped. “I … I don’t know. We have to find Ai.” She suddenly remembered and turned to Yuriko, pleading. “We haven’t seen her since we got here. Maybe she—”

  “Ai is fine. We are not dodging this anymore.” She took a deep breath and Kathleen realized just how fragile she sounded in that moment. “Kathleen, please. You have to tell me what you are thinking.”

  They were standing in the middle of the crowded walkway. Everyone just moved around them, uncaring that they were both on the brink of something emotionally treacherous. “What is there to say?”

  Yuriko was holding her wrist now and Kathleen could feel her nails, though it didn’t hurt. “Do you want me, Kathleen?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure what you mean?”

  Yuriko’s lips were tense. “You wanted to kiss me back there, didn’t you? You kissed me in Nikko. After the nomikai, we—kissed in my own apartment. Tell me, Kathleen, what you think of me? What do you want from me?”

  Kathleen had preparing herself mentally for this moment ever since she pounced Ai in her apartment. But now that it was here, she felt like she was drowning. She gulped in the air. “It’s not that easy to say … ”

  Yuriko suddenly dropped her hand. “Why not? Would it be easier if I said that I wanted you? That I want you so much that I probably love you.” She reached up, flipping her hair to one shoulder so she could tug at the ends of the strands.

  There were people around, staring at their tense argument. They all shuffled past, trying not to make eye contact with Kathleen. Trying not to look like they were a little alarmed.

  “You … you love me?”

  Yuriko met her gaze, hard and steady. “Yes. Or, at least enough to know that I just can’t let this waver on any longer. It hurts too much. I have to know how you feel.” She swallowed and it looked painful. “Either way. At least so I can move forward as needed. So I need an honest, simple answer. Are you even interested in me?”

  “I … ” Kathleen had to look away and she could hear Yuriko’s sigh of frustration. “I can’t give you a simple answer. It doesn’t feel simple.”

  Yuriko suddenly stepped close, hands cupping Kathleen’s face. She held her so gently, but her words were so hard. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

  In that moment, with the crowds and the lights and the sounds, Kathleen couldn’t breathe. No one was around them, yet everyone was watching them. She couldn’t think.

  “Yes,” she answered honestly. Because she was already arching toward Yuriko, hands just itching to reach out.

  Yuriko remained still. “Then you do want me?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You say you want to kiss me but you don’t know?”

  Kathleen had to step back, eyes burning with tears. She wouldn’t cry. She promised herself she wouldn’t cry. “I don’t know, okay? Maybe I want to kiss you now. But will I want to kiss you tomorrow? Or every day? Will I want to t-touch you? I don’t know! I can’t jump into something like this without knowing. I don’t want to promise you something I can’t keep and I don’t want to hurt you when I realize that everything I’m feeling is just a symptom of being lonely in a strange country!”

  She was gasping for breath. She wasn’t crying and that made her feel a little stronger. She stood straight, though her stomach twisted in knots, and faced Yuriko.

  Yuriko’s hands were still raised, as if too shocked to move or realize that Kathleen had stepped away from her. “How could … is that really what you think?”

  “I know it might sound dumb and I might be wrong. But I could also be right. I care about you too much to just … throw myself at you.” She blinked, taking in another deep breath. “It would be better this way.”

  “Even if you are wrong? It is not worth it?”

  “I don’t want to be another Michiko.”

  Yuriko’s hands dropped. “You aren’t Michiko. That was completely different.”

  “But I don’t want to date you only to find some guy and dump you for him.”

  Yuriko made a slashing motion with her hand. “Michiko was bisexual. She knew this. We both did. She wasn’t confused or playing with me. She knew she was in love with me and she knew when she fell in love with someone else. It hurt, yes, but the situation was completely different.” She sounded angry now.

  “Well, then maybe I don’t understand this enough. Is that not good enough reason that this is a bad idea?”

  “I just can’t understand why you aren’t willing to even try.”

  “I told you, I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You are hurting me now!”

  They were both out of breath and Kathleen realized that people had stopped passing so closely next to them. Others waiting in lines nearby were hushed, staring at them. Kathleen took a step away.

  “That’s it then?” Yuriko hurriedly asked. “We are just … ”

  “I need to find Ai.” Kathleen hesitated. “I understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore.”

  “Friends? Kathleen, I … ” She closed her eyes. “Maybe we both just need some space. I’ll just … I’ll just make my own way back, all right?”

  Kathleen nodded. “I’ll find Ai. She can get me back just fine.”

  They were both moving away and Kathleen wondered if she was making the worst mistake of her life. If she should turn around and apologize. It wasn’t like she could take it back now. She had said what she felt, honestly. What more could she do?

  It still hurt.

  chapter TWENTY-FIVE

  Yuriko didn’t make it very far. Just a block away from the festival, she stopped outside a lonely konbini. She could grab the bus; it wouldn’t be crowded goin
g the other direction. However she found herself in desperate need of a break. A couple of guys loitered outside of it, drinking beer and laughing loudly. She was grateful they ignored her.

  Leaning against the bike rack, she looked at her wrist, flipping through her emails, just to look busy. Her heart was pounding and her throat felt tight and raw. She wasn’t the type to cry easily, or in public. Her eyes burned and she blinked rapidly, trying to calm herself.

  She was almost considering grabbing a beer when the doors of the konbini slid open and a familiar face calmly exited.

  “Ai?” she gasped.

  Ai looked over to her, then smiled. “Oh, you found me! Kathleen just called.” She tapped on her forehead. “See? She didn’t even miss me.” She glanced around. “She said she was at the beginning of the food booths. Is she not with you?”

  Yuriko took a deep breath, ashamed at how unsteady it sounded. “No. I’m actually heading back now.”

  Ai’s expression changed, smile dropping, eyes lowering. “Oh.” She stepped next to Yuriko, leaning against the bike rack with her. “How bad was it?” she asked softly.

  “We argued in the middle of the matsuri.” They’d probably shouted and Kathleen might have been crying. It kind of felt like a blur now. It all happened so fast. Though in that moment, Yuriko remembered feeling like it would never end.

  “I had hoped … well, I’m sorry. It was something I could not anticipate.”

  “Anticipate?”

  Ai actually looked guilty, shrugging her shoulders. “I know Kathleen is … well, unsure about a lot of things right now. I had hoped that giving her some time, alone with you, would help her.”

  “Wait, you purposefully left us alone tonight?”

  Ai’s lips twitched, almost in a smile. “Yeah.”

  “Just to see if we would … hook up or something?”

  “Confess. I wanted you both to confess. Whatever happened next would just be a bonus.” She sighed, looking up to the buildings. “I guess my analysis still needs improvement.” She reached up, tugging at her side ponytail. “I had just been so sure … ”