The Daddy Dilemma

by Karen Rose Smith

  “It’s Sara.” For some reason she believed that if he used her given name, there would at least be a tenuous thread of communication between them.

  He didn’t use her name and his tone was severe. “Before I call Kyle from his room, there’s something you need to know. He has asthma.”

  Instantly concerned, Sara asked, “Is it serious? I don’t know much about the condition.”

  “It can be life threatening.” As she absorbed that, he went on. “I’m not being dramatic. When he had his first attack, he was three. I’d painted two of the bedrooms in the lodge and had him there with me. He started having trouble breathing, then he began to wheeze. I didn’t know what was happening, but thank goodness I brought him downstairs while Dad called emergency services.”

  Although Nathan’s face was stoic, Sara could imagine the fear and panic that must have shaken him. “Is Kyle on medication?”

  “Yes. And he uses inhalers.”

  “Are there particular things that cause an attack?” She should know what they were. A little voice asked, Why, if this is the only time you’re going to see Kyle? She pushed that question away.

  “Strong smells like cleaning solutions or scented candles. Extreme cold. Too much dust.” Nathan took a few steps closer. “And emotional upset. I don’t want him upset. I told him a friend was coming to visit, that’s all.”

  She had to look up a good six inches to meet Nathan’s eyes. They were almost threatening, and the message was clear. If she did anything to upset Kyle, he’d toss her out.

  Still, amazingly, she didn’t feel intimidated, because she understood. As a parent, she’d want to protect her child that fiercely, too. “I understand.”

  The November weather was becoming colder. She’d worn jeans and a sweater again, topped by her suede jacket. She unbuttoned it, hoping Kyle’s dad would let her stay more than five minutes.

  As she slid out of one sleeve, Nathan was beside her. “I’ll hang this in the closet.”

  Relieved, she smiled at him and motioned to a bakery bag she’d set on the arm of the sofa with her purse. “I brought chocolate chip cookies. Does Kyle have any dietary restrictions?”

  “No. No food allergies, thank goodness. And he does love chocolate. It was thoughtful of you to bring them.”

  Nathan was acting superbly polite. She wished he’d just be himself and say what he was thinking. “It’s not a bribe,” she assured him. “Chocolate and little boys just seem to go together.”

  When he didn’t respond, she tried again. “You told Kyle I was a friend. He’ll know that’s not true if he senses your hostility.”

  “I’m not hostile.”

  She wasn’t going to argue with him. “Can we pretend to be friendly for Kyle’s sake?”

  Nathan blew out a long sigh. “Look, Miss—”

  “Sara,” she reminded him.

  “All right. Sara. I’m not pleased about you being here. I just want this over with. I’m not going to pretend otherwise.”

  “Kyle will pick up whatever you feel.”

  “Maybe. On the other hand, if I’m not feeling anything, he won’t pick up anything. While you spend time with him, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  “You’re going to let me sink or swim on my own?” She meant the comment to lighten the tension a bit. But it didn’t, and she murmured, “You’re hoping I sink.” So much for being friends. “Okay, Mr. Barclay. How much time are you going to give me?”

  “Let’s just see how it goes.”

  She supposed that meant if she and Kyle got along well, he’d give her a little more time. But whether that was fifteen minutes or an hour, she knew he wouldn’t say. She was a planner, an organizer. But today she was going to have to go with the flow whether she liked it or not.

  However, going with the flow required a certain amount of trust. She didn’t have much trust anymore—certainly not in men. In her experience men walked away when life didn’t go the way they planned.

  How she wished her mother was still alive. She could give her guidance. But her mom was gone and Sara had no family. “Can I meet Kyle now?”

  Carrying her jacket to the closet just inside the door, Nathan hung it up. Then, after a long look at her, he called, “Kyle. Come on out here a minute, will you? There’s someone I want you to meet.”

  Sara’s heart raced so fast she couldn’t count the beats.

  When the five-year-old appeared, tears brimmed in her eyes and she quickly blinked them away. She couldn’t be overcome by emotion. A child wouldn’t understand that, and she didn’t want to scare him. She just wanted to talk with him and be with him.

  She didn’t need a DNA test to know right away that he was her son. She could see the evidence in his green eyes, so like hers…and in the tilt of his smile, so like her mother’s.

  As he ran up to his dad and stood expectantly waiting for an introduction, while glancing surreptitiously at her, she noted he had Nathan’s dark brown hair and a very defined little chin. He’d probably be as stubborn as his father someday.

  “Sara,” Nathan said, as if he’d been using her first name for years, “this is my son, Kyle. Kyle, this is that friend I told you about. Her name is Sara.”

  Not knowing exactly how to proceed, she approached him slowly. “Hi there, Kyle.”

  As a lawyer, Sara negotiated and dealt with adults on a daily basis. She suspected kids didn’t like to be crowded any more than grown-ups, so she kept some distance between them.

  Motioning to the two fire trucks she’d spotted by the bookshelves, she decided to jump in with both feet. After all, her time here could be extremely limited. “I noticed your aerial truck and pumper. Were you rescuing people from those tall buildings?” She’d taken a guess that the bookshelves were high-rises.

  Kyle, who was almost standing behind his dad’s hip, took a step closer to her. “Those are apartment buildings,” he said with some excitement. “How did you know?”

  Sara crouched down to his level and looked him straight in the eye. “When I was a little girl, I had a nurse doll. I used our television stand as the hospital. Each shelf was a different floor.”

  Grinning widely now, Kyle let go of his dad’s pant leg and stood even closer. “Do you want to play with me? We could rescue everybody and put the fire out.”

  Before she said yes, she glanced at Nathan. He was the one making decisions, and she couldn’t take a wrong step.

  He gave a tight nod.

  She wished she could take Kyle into her arms and give him a hug, but she knew it was too soon for that. Also, if she did, she had a feeling Nathan might panic and pull Kyle away.

  Instead, she said calmly, “I’d love to play with you.”

  Kyle ran to the bookshelves and dropped down onto the floor, cross-legged. “You can drive the pumper truck. I like to drive the aerial. But I’ll let you climb up, too.”

  In spite of herself, she laughed. “That’s good…because I don’t think I can get to the top shelf without using the ladder.”

  Like any five-year-old involved in his own world, Kyle didn’t ask who she was, where she was from or why she was there. All he cared about was the fact she was playing with him.

  They’d been rescuing pretend inhabitants in the bookshelf apartments for about a half hour when Nathan called from the kitchen. “Time for milk and cookies. Come in here to eat them, though. I wouldn’t want the crumbs to clog up your fire hoses.”

  Apparently the man had a sense of humor when he interacted with his son, Sara thought.

  Kyle called back, “In a minute, Dad.”

  Suddenly Nathan appeared, only a few feet away. “I’ll set the timer.” He winked at Sara. “His minutes can get awfully long sometimes.”

  Gazing up at Nathan—noticing again his muscular body; his angular face, which was interesting rather than purely handsome; the slight smile that was all for his son—Sara felt a tummy-twirling sensation. When she considered the situation, her joy at simply being here with Kyle, she dismissed
it as excitement. However, when she was sitting in the rustic kitchen with its hurricane lamp chandelier above the round pine table, Nathan looming like a guardian angel between her and Kyle, she wasn’t so sure. Although all of her attention was focused on the five-year-old, when she reached for a napkin in the center of the table and Nathan did so at the same time, their fingers brushed and heat zipped up her arm.

  He jerked away and so did she. But the sensation remained.

  A little later, when she leaned forward to ask Kyle his favorite flavor of ice cream, her leg grazed Nathan’s. She shifted away, but apparently not soon enough. Warmth spread through her body so rapidly she thought the temperature in the house had gone up ten degrees.

  Knowing Nathan would soon cut off her time with Kyle, she finished her cookie and wiped her fingers on her napkin. “Are you in kindergarten this year?”

  Crumbs on his upper lip, Kyle shook his head. “Nope. Dad says next year will be soon enough. I’m gonna be homeschooled.”

  She looked to Nathan for an explanation.

  “I thought I’d hire a tutor. With Kyle’s asthma it might be best to keep him at home.”

  “Just for kindergarten?”

  Nathan shrugged. “We’ll see how it goes.”

  She couldn’t keep the words from escaping. “Interaction with other kids is important.”

  “So is his health.”

  Biting her tongue, Sara reached for her glass of milk. She had no say in what Nathan did. No say at all. But she knew in her heart that protecting Kyle too much could be as serious a problem as not protecting him enough.

  Lifting the cuff of his shirt, Nathan checked his watch. “Sara has a little bit of time before she leaves. Why don’t you show her your room?”

  “I’d love to see your room. Maybe I could read you a story. Do you like books?”

  “I like Dr. Seuss and Clifford. I even have my own Clifford. Come on, I’ll show you.” Quicker than lightning, Kyle scrambled off his chair and left the kitchen for a hall that must lead to the bedrooms.

  Nathan pushed his chair back, stood, picked up the empty cookie dish and took it to the sink. The kitchen decor was light green and tan. The window above the sink was curtainless and void of a blind, giving an unobstructed view of the backyard. Sara had passed sliding glass doors that led out to a deck before she’d sat at the table. The wide, expansive lawn dotted with maples, sycamores and firs was inviting—for a young boy to practice pitching a baseball, or for a quiet walk to soak in the peace of nature. The sky was robin-egg blue today and cloudless. The tall firs reached up to it and were a dozen different shades of green. This was a beautiful place to raise a child. She just hoped Nathan wouldn’t isolate Kyle in order to keep him safe.

  “Thanks for suggesting he show me his room.”

  “I thought you’d like to see it.”

  “So I can take a mental picture of where he sleeps home with me?”

  “Something like that.”

  When Nathan turned toward her, their gazes met, and she almost felt as if the kitchen tilted a little. That was ridiculous. She was just hyperstimulated from meeting Kyle, from holding her own with Nathan, from wanting to remember every minute so she could treasure each one in her heart always.

  “Sara, come on!” Kyle’s voice was enthusiastically shrill. “I want to show you my arrowheads.”

  Breaking eye contact with Nathan, quickly gaining her equilibrium again, she hurried down the hall to Kyle’s room, knowing her time with him was limited.

  Forty-five minutes later, Nathan impatiently checked his watch. He’d expected Kyle to be bored with Sara, or Sara to be bored with Kyle. He’d peeked into the room twice. The first time they were playing Candy Land. Sara had been seated cross-legged on Kyle’s bed, while Kyle knelt on the floor beside it, all rapt attention as they moved their board markers according to the colors on the cards they chose. The second time he’d checked on them, he’d been surprised to see Sara on the floor. Apparently Kyle had gone through his toy chest, showing her this and that. She’d fitted his monkey puppet onto her hand and was talking in a high voice, making his son laugh.

  They were getting along too well. She was bonding with Kyle. If Nathan didn’t put a stop to this now, she’d want to come back. He couldn’t allow that.

  This time when Nathan appeared in the doorway, she was sitting on the bed again, reading Kyle a story. Her melodic voice lifted and fell, and Nathan felt almost as mesmerized as his son.

  That was ridiculous. Just as ridiculous as the awareness he felt every time Sara got within two feet of him. He was on pins and needles, wishing her out of his house. That was all.

  The story Sara was reading Kyle wasn’t one of his usual favorites. It was The Velveteen Rabbit. Nathan had always considered the book too advanced for his son, but now he could see Kyle was enraptured by it—a story about a bunny loved so much it became real. Had Nathan also not pulled out that book to read at night because it would encourage his son to believe in the impossible?

  The book finished, Sara closed it and saw him standing in the doorway. An expression so sad came over her face that Nathan actually felt sorry for her. Then he steeled himself against the emotion…against the compassion that would ruin what he’d built for himself and Kyle.

  Colleen’s pictures sat on Kyle’s nightstand. What would she think about all this?

  He pushed away that fanciful thought. “It’s time for Sara to go now.”

  “Aw, Dad. Does she haf to?”

  Although Sara looked as if she wanted to protest, too, she sat up straight. “I do have to go, Kyle. But it was a real treat visiting with you.”

  “Can you come back?”

  Nathan rubbed his forehead. This was exactly what he’d been afraid of. “She’s returning to Minneapolis tomorrow, Kyle. That’s where she lives.”

  Sara slid her legs over the side of the bed and for a moment didn’t move. Nathan wondered if she was fighting tears. He hoped not because he wouldn’t know how to deal with those.

  When she stood, she faced Kyle again. “My life is in Minneapolis. Coming up here was like a dream I had once. Thank you for making it come true.”

  Unexpectedly, Kyle raced around to her side of the bed and gave her a hug. “I want you to come back.”

  She hugged him for a very long time, then finally let him go. “I wish I could. But sometimes we can’t have what we want.”

  “While I walk Sara out, why don’t you draw a picture of everything you did so you can give it to Gramps?”

  “I want to mail it to Sara.”

  Nathan relented so the argument wouldn’t continue. “All right, you can do that. Go ahead and get started.”

  Kyle gave Sara an unhappy little wave, then went over to the small table and chairs where coloring books, art paper and crayons were stacked. As he sat, he looked over his shoulder.

  Nathan put his hand at the small of Sara’s back and guided her out of the room. Was she trembling? Could leaving Kyle affect her this much? They didn’t even know for sure if Kyle was her son. From what he understood, mix-ups happened in fertility clinics.

  She stood silent as he pulled her jacket from the closet and handed it to her. She took it and he saw her eyes were shiny. Yet her voice was steady when she said, “Thank you for letting me meet him. I wish…” She shook her head. “You know what I wish.”

  “He might not even be your son.”

  “He’s my son. He has my eyes.”

  Nathan couldn’t dispute that because he saw it, too.

  She crossed to the door and put her hand on the knob. “I gave you my word I’d go back to Minneapolis, and that’s what I’m going to do. But if you ever change your mind about Kyle needing a mother, and if you want to find out for sure if I am or not, that’s where I’ll be.”

  As Sara left, Nathan watched her through the window. She practically ran down the walk.

  She said she’d keep her word. But as he listened to her start her car, as he watched her drive awa
y, he felt a lead weight in his chest.

  If she didn’t keep her word, what was he going to do?

  Chapter Two

  A s Nathan ushered Kyle into the children’s clothing store, he hoped Thanksgiving would return his son to his normal happy, active self. He’d been unusually quiet since Sara Hobart’s visit.

  “Boys jeans are over there.” Nathan pointed to a table in the rear of the store. With winter coming on, he had realized his son had outgrown everything, from his jeans to his cold weather gear. Heavier snow was predicted for next week, over the holiday.

  Kyle headed toward the back of the store with no enthusiasm at all.

  Nathan knew his son hated trying on clothes. Like father, like son.

  But he realized there was more to the boy’s mood than an aversion to shopping for clothes. For the past week, Kyle had smiled less and seemed much too pensive. Why? Because he’d liked Sara and wanted her to visit again? Because he missed that kind of nurturing female presence in his life? Nathan had let Kyle mail her the drawings he’d made. Since then Kyle had watched the mail, as if he’d expected something from her in return. Nothing had arrived. Nathan guessed Sara believed he preferred she remain silent.

  Over the weekend Nathan had arranged a play day with Bill Norris, a divorced dad with a six-year-old son, who attended the same church they did. Kyle had seemed to enjoy the company Saturday afternoon. Afterward, however, he’d become introspective again. Nathan had asked Kyle if something was wrong. So had his dad, as well as Val. But Kyle had just shrugged and clammed up.

  As they stopped in front of the table stacked with jeans now, Nathan laid out three pairs in Kyle’s size for his son to examine. “Uncle Ben said he’s bringing you a surprise when he comes next Wednesday.”

  “Do you know what it is?” Kyle asked, looking interested.

  “Nope. I have no idea.”

  “Is he staying lots of days?”

  “Two or three.”

  “That’s okay,” Kyle replied with a grin.

  Nathan was relieved to see that happy spark back in his son’s eyes. He pointed to the jeans one size up from the short ones Kyle wore now. “Why don’t you pick the pair you like the best. I’ll check out the coats.”