At that his eyes narrowed. “I wouldn’t let that happen.”
She didn’t want to fight with him. She didn’t want a tug-of-war about whether a little boy needed his mom or his dad more. She certainly didn’t want to dwell on the legal question of which of them might have more rights to Kyle, because she knew she’d lose. Nathan had raised him. They were attached the way a father and son should be.
“I can’t just bow out of your life and pretend I don’t have a connection to Kyle.”
Approaching her, he towered over her as she knelt at the manger, preparing it for the baby who would lie in it on Christmas Eve. When Nathan clasped her shoulder, she felt real compassion emanating from him. “I know this isn’t easy for either of us. Telling Kyle last night really threw me.”
Was it telling Kyle that had thrown him? Or had the emotions they’d stirred up in bed done so? Some thought to be having here in church! Yet as her glance strayed to the wooden pulpit, to the dais, Sara could so easily picture her and Nathan being married here.
Married. Did she think being married was a solution to this? It was one Nathan wouldn’t even consider…because he wouldn’t admit he had feelings for her.
When she rose to her feet, she’d never been more aware of Nathan as a man, of what he meant to her and could always mean to her. In the hollow stillness of the empty church, she sent up a prayer for direction, one straight from her heart. Would it be answered?
Yet she didn’t need a divine voice to tell her Kyle should come first, no matter what it cost her, no matter what she had to sacrifice.
Sara and Nathan were so focused on each other that they didn’t hear the side door of the church open. She was aware that someone else had come in only when the door banged shut and a short, stout woman with frizzy gray hair untied the red scarf around her neck and stomped over to where they were working.
Nathan reacted first. “Hello, Mrs. Evanston.” Observing the flakes of snow on her quilted green coat, he asked, “It’s snowing again?”
“Sure is. This is one part of the country that doesn’t have to worry about a white Christmas. We get one every year.”
“Sara, this is Mrs. Evanston. She and Val are in a quilting circle together.”
Sara took that to mean that this woman and Val were friends, and she extended her hand. “Hello. It’s good to meet you. I’m Sara Hobart.”
“Yes, I know.” Mrs. Evanston’s gray brows arched. “I’ve heard lots of rumors about you.”
“Not from Val,” Nathan assured Sara in a firm tone.
“No, not from Val. She won’t confirm or deny anything I ask her. And I don’t know why. It’s better that the truth be known. I heard that you all had DNA samples done or something. I thought they only used that to solve crimes. But then someone explained to me that labs use them to figure out who the mom of a child could be, or the dad.” The woman’s brown eyes targeted Sara. “We all know Nathan is Kyle’s father. No doubt about that. The boy looks just like him.”
“Mrs. Evanston, this really isn’t anyone’s business but ours.”
Sara could tell Nathan was attempting to be patient, trying not to say something he shouldn’t, or anything that would harm Val’s friendship with the woman. If she had one.
“That’s not true, boy, and you know it. Like someone said, it takes a village. When you came back here to live, everyone knew how tough the going was for you. We all knew you and your wife had trouble having kids, and Kyle was one of those in vitro babies, even though Colleen carried him.”
“Mrs. Evanston…” Nathan’s voice held a warning tone now.
“So just to put any talk to rest—”
“There shouldn’t be any talk, Mrs. Evanston.” He gave the woman a very forced smile. “Sara is our houseguest and Kyle is very fond of her. That’s all anybody needs to know. Now why don’t you tell me what we can help you with, why you came in here, and we can finish decorating.”
The woman’s eyes narrowed, but it must have been obvious to her that Nathan wasn’t going to say more. Or if he did, she wouldn’t like what he had to say. Mrs. Evanston switched her attention to Sara. “You’re staying through the New Year?”
To forestall a quick response from Nathan, Sara simply replied, “I’m going to enjoy the holidays with the Barclay family.” She motioned to the stack of evergreen boughs on the floor. “I suppose you came in for these. Would you like me to help you carry some to the parsonage?”
Seeing that Sara was giving her an out, probably also hoping she could wheedle more information on the walk over to the house, the older woman nodded. “I’d appreciate that. If I carry too many, I’m afraid I’ll slip and fall.”
Sara didn’t look at Nathan as she put on her coat, gathered up some pine and helped the woman carry it outside.
Fifteen minutes later, Sara returned to the church and found Nathan tying the remaining boughs into a bundle. The manger scene was as complete as it would be until Christmas Eve. He had positioned the donkey and the ox near Joseph and Mary, and hung the angel on the peak of the small stable.
Picking up the ladder, he informed her, “I’m going to return this to Reverend Weiglehoff’s garage.”
When he would have brushed past her, Sara stepped into his path. “Are you going to tell anyone in Rapid Creek that I am Kyle’s mother? Or are you going to wait until I leave and hope no one thinks about it anymore or asks questions?”
He propped the ladder upright, next to his booted foot. “What did you want me to say to her, Sara? She’s a gossip. She’s one of Val’s least favorite people. If I had told her anything, anything at all, it would have gotten twisted and turned until even you wouldn’t recognize the truth.”
“I know the truth. It would have been very simple to say, ‘Yes, Sara Hobart is Kyle’s mother. Isn’t science wonderful? She enabled me and my wife to have a baby, and now I’m acknowledging that fact. Kyle knows about it and is pleased.’”
“This is my private business.”
“It’s our business.”
The wind whistled against the stained glass windows, rattling a loose pane. “I want to tell the whole world, Nathan, and you don’t want to tell anyone. I’m not sure where we can find a compromise in that. Are you embarrassed by the way Kyle was conceived?”
“No.”
“But you’d like to deny it. You’d like to believe Colleen was the only mother he ever had and the only mother he’ll ever have.”
Although Nathan was silent, that silence was louder than any “yes” he could say. And it hurt her more than harsh words ever could. “I’ll tell Reverend Weiglehoff we’re finished here, then I’ll wait for you in the truck,” he finally murmured.
Nathan didn’t stop her from leaving the church. He didn’t see the tears that came as she stumbled into the cold air and took great big lungfuls of it. He didn’t call her name to tell her she was all wrong about what she thought.
Because she wasn’t wrong. He loved his dead wife. And Sara couldn’t compete with a ghost that powerful.
Kyle rushed into the kitchen the morning before Christmas and threw his arms around Sara. “Dad said we’re gonna do something special tonight for Christmas Eve. What are we gonna do?”
Although Sara stooped to hug her son, and all of her attention was on him for those few moments, she was aware of Nathan a few feet away. After breathing in his little-boy pajama scent, she rose to her feet again. “I’m not sure what your dad has in mind.”
If that wasn’t the understatement of the year. They’d been keeping their distance, wary of what the other was going to say or do next. Kyle was a touchy subject, yet what else was as important to them both? Their own relationship…
They didn’t seem to have one where Nathan was concerned.
“I thought we’d start a tradition, something we could do every year,” Nathan suggested.
A tradition that included her? She wouldn’t ask him that in front of Kyle. “What’s your favorite meal?” she asked her little boy, wond
ering how she was ever going to leave him.
“Hot dogs and baked beans.”
She laughed. “Okay. Well, maybe we could start out the evening with supper, cooking hot dogs and baked beans. We could ask Gramps and Val to join us. Afterward maybe we could light that big red candle over there, sing Christmas carols and then read the Christmas story.”
Kyle’s eyes were shining. “I want to sing ‘Jingle Bells’ and ‘Silent Night.’”
“Everybody probably knows those two. Good choices.”
Her gaze finally met Nathan’s. “Are you busy this afternoon…before supper, I mean?”
“What did you have in mind?” The look in his eyes told her he wasn’t thinking about what she had in mind. But being intimate with Nathan again was out of the question until she knew he could trust her. Until she knew she meant more than a physical release.
“I saw the ice cream maker when I went to the basement for the potatoes. With all that snow out there, I thought we could make ice cream for dessert.”
“Ice cream! Ice cream!” Kyle chanted gleefully.
“But it would also mean a trip to the store. I’ll need whipping cream as well as the hot dogs and baked beans,” Sara informed them.
“I’ll give Dad a break this afternoon and he can take you to the store. He’s also more adept at making ice cream. That was his machine.”
In other words, Nathan wasn’t going to spend any more time with her than he had to. Tonight was an exception because of Kyle and the holiday.
All at once, Kyle ran to the phone. “I’m going to call Gramps and ask him to come for supper.” Kyle pressed the speed-dial button for his grandfather and waited.
Nathan studied Sara for a long moment. “Are you trying to make a match between Val and Dad?”
“I think the match is already made. They just don’t know it. Or rather, your dad doesn’t know it.” Yesterday she’d gone with Val to the beauty salon, where they’d both had their hair cut. Sara kept her usual style. Val, however, dispensed with her bun. Now permed, her hair fell in soft, attractive waves around her face.
“They’ve been spending more time together,” Nathan mused.
“Do you have a problem with that?”
“No, of course not. I want to see Dad happy. But I don’t think we should meddle.”
“If you think inviting Val to Christmas Eve dinner is meddling, then you don’t have to invite her. It was just a suggestion.”
“Sara—” He sounded frustrated.
She certainly knew the feeling. Whatever he was going to say was lost when Kyle said loudly and enthusiastically into the phone, “Gramps, we want you to come for hot dogs. We’re going to sing carols and everything.”
When Sara would have stepped away to finish preparing breakfast, Nathan caught her arm. His fingers scorched her skin. The air around them crackled. Their gazes held and she felt the world stand still. Then Nathan broke the intensely intimate moment.
When he released her, he muttered, “If Kyle wants to call Val, too, that’s fine. But she might be hard to get on her day off.”
“She bought a cell phone yesterday. I have the number.”
“Val? A cell phone?”
“She decided it was a good idea. Then even if she was out shopping, your dad could reach her.”
Nathan simply shook his head and crossed to the door. “We’re getting a few guests at the lodge this morning. I have to make sure everything is ready.” When he’d shrugged into his coat, he added, “We’ll have to remember to call Ben after supper tonight.”
“Is he spending the holiday alone?”
“With his work. That’s how he spends most of his time. I’m just glad he got here at Thanksgiving.”
“Do you think Sam might change his mind and come home?”
“I wish he would. But Sam is stubborn. And…” Nathan lowered his voice “…it’s hard for him to be around Kyle, knowing he could have had a child of his own. Christmas is about kids. He went to the cabin so he didn’t have to deal with children at the clinic, children on TV, children in the stores.”
As if he’d said too much, Nathan frowned. Zipping his parka, he went to Kyle, kissed his forehead and ruffled his hair while he was still talking to Galen. But without a goodbye to her, Nathan left for the lodge. Soon she’d be saying goodbye to him, not knowing how long it would be until she saw him again.
Soon she’d be saying goodbye, not knowing if he cared.
Sara understood the true meaning of Christmas this year. On Christmas Day, as she sat beside Galen on the sofa, watching It’s a Wonderful Life, Kyle played with his new toys on the floor. Nathan pretended to be watching the old movie, his mind obviously elsewhere.
When the phone rang, he heaved himself out of the chair and went to the kitchen for it. “Sam! Are you in town?”
Kyle ran to his father. “Is it Uncle Sam? Can I talk to him?”
After a few moments, Nathan handed over the phone. “He said he couldn’t let the holiday go by without wishing you a Merry Christmas.”
“I knew my boy wasn’t so selfish he wouldn’t even say Merry Christmas,” Galen muttered.
Kyle and Sam talked for a while, then Kyle handed his dad the phone and ran back to the living room to tell everyone about his conversation. “He drove a long way away so he could use his cell phone. He said Patches wishes us a Merry Christmas, too. But he doesn’t know when he’s coming back.”
Galen went into the kitchen and took the phone, and soon Nathan was lowering himself into the easy chair once more.
“Why doesn’t he know when he’s coming back, Dad?” Kyle asked.
“He has some thinking to do, as well as ice fishing. But I bet he’ll be back in a few more weeks, when the holidays are over.”
Galen returned to the living room and sank down beside Sara. “I just wish he’d get over Alicia and get back to his life.”
“He’s over Alicia. What he isn’t over is his poor judgment in choosing her. Or what she did,” Nathan stated.
Kyle eyed the dinosaur figures under the tree that Ben had sent, but then reached for the set of vehicles Sara had bought him. He removed the bus, then the truck, then the airplane. After he zoomed the little plane around for a bit, he announced, “I’m gonna fly in an airplane to go see…Mom.” Swiveling toward Sara, he gave her a grin.
Tears came to her eyes at Kyle’s use of the coveted title, and she felt put on the spot. Both Nathan and Galen were looking at her and she wasn’t sure how to handle this. They might think she’d prompted Kyle, but she hadn’t. On the other hand, she wanted to keep the possibility of his visit open as an option. “We’ll have to see what we can do about that.”
The expression on Nathan’s face told her they’d be talking about this later.
“Later” came when Kyle was trying to find a place for his new toys in his room. She’d gone to her bedroom to put away Galen’s present—a pair of leather, fur-lined gloves. She fingered the jasper bracelet Nathan had given her. It was the one she’d admired in a catalog.
As she was tucking the gloves into a drawer, Nathan pushed open her door and leaned casually against the dresser, although his expression was anything but casual. “Did you tell Kyle he could fly to Minneapolis to see you?”
She closed the drawer, knowing she’d need her full attention for this discussion. “No, I didn’t. But it’s not such a far-fetched idea. Maybe he could visit me in the summer. I could fly up here and take him back with me.”
“Absolutely not. He’s only five. And you don’t know how to protect him,” Nathan said.
“Maybe he doesn’t need as much protection as you think.” The subject had been simmering under the surface for a long time. She hadn’t expressed her opinion about it, but now maybe she should.
As if Nathan had been ready for an argument, he asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you have a little boy who should experience the world outside of this house. He must feel like a prisoner sometime
s.”
Nathan’s eyes grew even stormier, but she went on anyway. “I know he has asthma. I know that’s not a condition to be taken lightly. But Nathan, he’s a child. He needs interaction with other children. Hiring a tutor for him is the last thing you should do. He’s already isolated. He needs to go to kindergarten, play, color and learn with other kids.”
“And what happens if he has an attack while he’s at school?”
“There are trained professionals there to deal with that.”
“What happens if he has an attack when he’s with you?”
“I’ve already read everything I can about asthma. I’ll have his medicines, his inhalers. I can call an ambulance, take him to the hospital—”
“And what happens if that ambulance is just three minutes too late?”
She sighed. “You are so inflexible. You can’t see that Kyle having a mother, a living mother, is as important as him having a father. You can’t see that his emotional health is as important as his physical health. You and Galen and Val just aren’t enough. If I thought for a minute you’d hop on a plane with Kyle and come to see me for more than a couple of days, I wouldn’t push—”
Nathan held up his hand. “What was that?”
She’d been on a roll and hadn’t heard a thing. “What was what?”
“It sounded like the door. Kyle wouldn’t go out,” Nathan muttered. “It’s too cold. It’s too dark.” He was already on his way to Kyle’s room, then to the guest room, then to the main part of the house. But his son was nowhere to be found. When Nathan grabbed his jacket, Sara reached for her coat and followed him to the door.
Outside, she ran to keep up with him. “Do you think he went to your dad’s?” she asked breathlessly, as the cold air pierced her lungs and the wind whipped around her.
“I pray that he did. Anyplace else could be lethal. It’s below freezing and…”
At the lodge, Nathan pulled open the door and hurried inside. He took the stairs two at a time until he got to his father’s door. It was standing open.
The Daddy Dilemma Page 17
