Sara heard crying. Kyle was with Galen, and she let out a breath of relief.
However, once inside Galen’s apartment, she began to worry all over again. Tears were running down Kyle’s face and he was hiccuping. When he saw her, he ran to her and hugged her. “I want you to stay. I want you to live with us.”
Sara crouched down and rubbed Kyle’s back. He was shivering because he’d been outside without a coat. “Honey, I can’t live with you. I told you that. I have a job in Minneapolis.”
“If you can’t live with us, then I wanna visit you.” He looked up at Nathan. “Why don’t you want me to go see her? Why can’t we both go?” The words ended on a sob and Kyle began to wheeze. His face lost its color.
Nathan pulled an inhaler from his pocket, separated Kyle from Sara and held it to the boy’s lips.
Kyle knew what he had to do. He sucked it in, coughed, and then breathed it in again. As Sara studied him, she could see him relaxing, could see he was breathing more normally.
With his arm around Kyle, Nathan assured him, “We’ll talk about visiting with Sara. We will. I promise.”
Kyle laid his head against his dad’s shoulder, believing him.
Nathan asked Galen, “Do you have a spare blanket I can wrap him in? We’ll let him calm down, then I’ll go get the truck and heat it up.”
The color was coming back in Kyle’s face now and he wasn’t wheezing anymore.
The immensity of what had just happened shook Sara to her foundation. Seeing Kyle’s color fade, blue tinge his lips…
All at once, she knew Nathan had been right. He wasn’t being inflexible, he was being a father. What would she have done if this had happened with her? Would she have reacted so swiftly? Would she have had his inhaler in her pocket? Would Kyle’s health be safe in her hands?
Tonight would never have happened if Kyle didn’t already feel torn between the two of them.
She knew what she had to do, for all their sakes. She had to go back to Minneapolis and possibly not return for a very long time.
Chapter Thirteen
S ara’s one big suitcase was packed and ready. Her computer travel bag was zipped. She silently carried them both to the door and set them on the floor. Her throat tightened with a pain that would never go away.
Knowing she had to leave before she changed her mind, she soundlessly walked to Kyle’s room and pushed open the half-closed door. If he was asleep, she wasn’t going to awaken him. She’d send him a letter and explain as best she could. At least that was her plan.
However, her plan changed when she bent to kiss Kyle’s forehead and his eyes opened. “Mom,” he murmured, pushing himself up on his elbows and blinking the sleep from his eyes. “Did you have a bad dream?” he asked.
She smiled, though emotion caught in her throat. She swallowed it, knowing Kyle’s security and happiness had to come before all else. “No, I didn’t have a bad dream. I came in to tell you…that I’m leaving, honey.”
When he would have protested, she hurried on. “I’m so glad I’m your mom, because you’re the most special boy in the whole world. I wish I could stay, but I don’t think that’s the best thing for you. You belong with your dad. He knows what’s good for you and he knows how to take care of you. In a few months, maybe around Easter, I’ll visit again, because I want to see how much you’ve grown and how much you’ve learned. I promise I’ll write to you. And you can write to me about absolutely anything you want, as often as you want. You can tell me about Val and Gramps, who your friends are and what you’re doing. When you’re much, much older, then maybe you can visit me.”
Kyle’s baseball night-light sent a mellow glow through the room. In the shadows, she could see him studying her, weighing her words, realizing the intent in them. “How old do I have to be to visit you? Sixteen?”
To Kyle, sixteen was very, very old.
“That sounds like a good age,” she agreed. “You’d be old enough to fly on your own.”
“You can’t stay because of your job,” he mumbled.
“I can’t stay for lots of reasons. But mostly I can’t stay because I want what’s best for you.”
“Will you write me a letter as soon as you get home?”
“I will. I’ll tell you all about my plane ride.”
“Are you leaving now?”
“Yes.”
“Are you going to tell Dad?”
“I wrote him a letter. He’ll find it when he wakes up.”
After he thought about that, Kyle asked, “Can you stay till I fall asleep?”
“Sure I can. Move over and I’ll sit here on the bed beside you.”
He waited until she was next to him, then he wrapped his arms around her neck. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” The ache in her chest made swallowing difficult. “Come on now, let’s get you tucked in.” She pulled the covers up to his chin, but Kyle extricated one arm and held her hand. Ten minutes later his breathing was even, his little face peaceful, his sleep deep.
Leaving was the hardest thing she’d ever have to do. She so wanted to stay. She wanted to move her life here. She not only loved Kyle, she loved his father. But Nathan wasn’t ready for that love.
Stroking Kyle’s hair from his brow, she blinked several times. Then she rose from his bed, hesitated in the doorway a long time, just staring at him, then left his room and stood in the hall outside of Nathan’s door.
She knew they had nothing to say to each other, nothing more to share. Her presence would cause a wedge between father and son. She would never do anything to damage the bonds Nathan had formed with Kyle. They were too important and too necessary.
Pulling the letter she’d written to Nathan from her pocket, she slid it under his door. She couldn’t bear a goodbye scene with him. She was afraid he would be glad to see her go, and she couldn’t stand to see that relief in his eyes. She didn’t want to believe that she meant nothing to him.
Stopping for her purse in her bedroom, she glanced around the room, then quickly left it. She hoped Galen would understand why she had to leave like this. She hoped he would give her a ride to the airport. In a few hours, she’d be on the first flight out to Minneapolis…her home.
When Nathan awakened, light was just breaking through the clouds outside of his window. Christmas Day came rushing back, especially Christmas night. After he’d gone to bed, he’d had difficulty falling asleep, thinking about everything that had happened—what he’d said, what Sara had said, the expression on her face when Kyle couldn’t breathe.
They had to talk. He rose quickly, then stopped cold when he saw the envelope on the carpet inside his door.
Going still, he listened for a moment, and detected a peculiar emptiness about the house. Sara wouldn’t have taken Kyle—
With the letter in hand, he ran to his son’s room and pushed open the door.
To his relief, Kyle was sleeping peacefully, lying on his side, his hand tucked under his cheek.
With a foreboding he didn’t want to face, Nathan went to Sara’s room, knowing what he’d find. There was no trace of her. It was empty.
Slipping her letter from its envelope, he read it swiftly.
Nathan—
I thought leaving like this was the best way. I’ll be writing to Kyle as soon as I get back and I hope you will give him my letters. I’m not going to abandon him, no matter what is or isn’t happening between the two of us. He’s my son. He knows that. I wish I could be with him every day. But I saw last night I could harm the relationship the two of you have, and even Kyle’s health. I won’t do that. In a few weeks maybe we can talk about when I can visit again. I thought Easter might be a good time. I understand you want to keep your life separate from mine, even though concerns about Kyle might tie us together. I wish we could have had more, not for Kyle’s sake, but for ours. But you’re not ready to accept another woman in your life.
Take care. Give my love and a hug to Kyle.
Sara
; She was gone. She thought that was best. Wasn’t her leaving the solution he wanted? Wasn’t he relieved?
The emptiness he felt in the pit of his soul was not relief.
Three days later Nathan had returned from a day of ice fishing and was stowing gear in one of the outbuildings when Galen stepped inside. He was frowning.
“Problem?” Nathan asked.
“Yeah, a big one. You. Bert said you were a great ice fishing guide but a lousy conversationalist. He returns here every year because he likes our lodge and our company. I don’t want to lose business because you can’t get your personal life straightened out.”
Ever since Sara had left, Nathan had felt as if he’d lost something important. He’d lost it, not Kyle. He’d lost Sara.
“There’s nothing to straighten out,” he grumbled.
“The hell there isn’t! You know, when your mother left—and yes, I still remember that day—I knew there was no hope in getting her back. She didn’t want to be here. She wanted a life I couldn’t give her, a career she’d always dreamed of and a man she left behind. But Sara…Sara didn’t want to leave. You drove her away.”
“I did no such thing!”
“You made her feel as though she wasn’t qualified to be Kyle’s mother because she hadn’t lived with him for the past five years and dealt with his asthma. You made her feel as if you, and only you, could care for her son. Her son. He’s hers, too. He needs a live mother, boy, not a dead one.”
Nathan kept silent, more than a little annoyed with his father for being so blunt.
“You’re thinking you have to keep Colleen’s memory alive for Kyle or he’ll never know her. You’re thinking you loved her and that love was important, and you can’t bear the thought of it dwindling into nothing. You’re thinking Colleen was the most important person in your life and you can’t love someone else because that means you’d be forgetting about her.”
Nathan’s chest tightened and ached because his father had gotten so close to the truth. Colleen had been his first real love. She’d known how much he’d wanted children, and she’d done everything in her power to give him babies. She’d even died.
His throat practically closed, but he managed to say, “When Colleen and I were having so much trouble getting pregnant—” He stopped. “She told me we didn’t have to have children to have a long happy marriage…that the two of us were enough. But I pushed. I wanted kids. So she went along…and she died.”
Galen was shaking his head. “So that’s the guilt you’ve been carrying. That’s what won’t let you move on.” He clasped Nathan’s shoulder. “When two people marry for the right reasons, they want to do everything in their power to make the other person happy. But I know for a fact, Nathan, Colleen wanted children, too. She told me that more than once. She had a mind of her own. She wouldn’t have kept trying with such joy and excitement if she hadn’t wanted babies as much as you. Let it go, son. Let her go.”
Nathan looked away from his dad. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It might be easy if you’d realize what you’ve got. Can’t you see that Sara loves you?”
Nathan met his father’s knowing gaze. “She’s never said—”
“Never said? Actions speak louder than words in my book. She didn’t return to Minneapolis for Kyle’s sake. If this was all about Kyle, she’d be here. I have no doubt about that. She left because she didn’t want to hurt your relationship with your son. She didn’t want to come between you. She left because you pushed her away. Is that really what you wanted to do?”
When he thought of Sara, Nathan saw her sweet smile, heard her voice, felt her hands on his body. She’d made him feel again, and that feeling had been uncomfortable, risky, unnerving. In a few short weeks she’d turned his life upside down, and he’d fought against that. He’d tried to right it. But what he hadn’t realized, until this minute, was that his life wouldn’t be right again until she was with him…until she was in his arms.
“By now she probably hates me and resents the distance I’ve caused between her and Kyle. I know I’ve hurt her.”
“I don’t think Sara could hate anyone, least of all you. It seems to me she might even be the forgiving sort…if a man was willing to eat a little humble pie.”
“I haven’t had much experience at that,” Nathan admitted wryly.
“Yeah, I guessed that. But there’s a first time for everything.”
As hope filled Nathan’s heart, a smile crossed his lips. “A first time for everything,” he agreed.
Nathan knocked on Sara’s office door on December 30, still not knowing what he was going to say. He’d thought about waiting and going to her apartment later so they’d have complete privacy. But he couldn’t wait. He wanted her answer now.
Her letter to Kyle had been long and funny, filled with everything a little boy would want to hear. She hadn’t mentioned whether she was working long hours again…or if she was seeing Ted.
In the course of Nathan’s life, he’d always felt confident and sure of the next action he took. Today he didn’t, and he guessed that was part of the humble pie his father had spoken of.
Sara’s “Come in” was crisp and businesslike.
Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door and stepped inside.
She was standing at her file cabinet, inserting a folder.
“Sara.” Her name came out sounding like a caress. He’d missed her so much, he could hardly resist going to her and taking her into his arms.
She spun around. “Nathan!” She looked stricken, rather than happy to see him.
“I know you’re busy, but I need to talk to you.” He shut the door, didn’t stop at her desk but went around it to where she was standing.
“Is there a problem with Kyle?”
Of course she’d think this was about Kyle.
“Kyle misses you, but that’s not why I’m here. I came to talk about us.”
“Us?”
“If there is an us. I know it probably seems to you as if I’ve done everything I could to push you away.”
She glanced down at her hands, but he wouldn’t let her evade him. He wanted to see the emotions in those beautiful green eyes.
Lifting her chin, he spoke as honestly as he could. “From the first moment I saw you, I was attracted to you. You turned me on so fast, you took my breath away. The fact I couldn’t control the desire I was feeling made me angry. I didn’t want to feel it. But the more we were together, I realized how good feeling alive could be again. You exasperated me and frustrated me, but you made me laugh, too. And the way you and Kyle connected…The truth is, I wanted you to leave because you were causing upheaval in my ordinary, day-to-day, matter-of-fact life. You see, I had learned how to live with missing Colleen. That state of mind had become comfortable for me.”
“Nathan—”
“Listen to me, Sara. This isn’t easy for me to say. Missing Colleen wasn’t only rooted in love, it was rooted in guilt. I just realized the extent of it a few days ago. I kept pushing for Colleen to get pregnant. I kept pushing for the new procedures. She went along because she loved me. So, when she died in childbirth, I not only experienced grief, but I felt guilt, too. Dad made me see I was holding on to her, not just because of Kyle, but because of that guilt. In a way, I felt as if I’d caused her death. If I’d said, ‘We can adopt,’ or ‘Let’s stop and just enjoy being married,’ she’d still be alive.”
Sara’s face was pale, her eyes sad as she concluded, “But you do still love her.”
“Some part of me will always love her. But she’s a memory now.” He took Sara by the shoulders. “You are real. You are my future. If you can forgive me.”
She studied his face. “Are you here because of Kyle? Because if you are—”
He clasped her tighter, filled with the urgency to make her understand. “No, I’m not here because of Kyle. I told you I’m here because of us. I love you, Sara. I know you think I took you to bed just because I needed a hot body. That
wasn’t true. If I gave you that impression, I’m so sorry. After we made love, I didn’t know what to think or how to act. Making love with you shook me up more than I could ever admit. Do you want to know why?”
She nodded.
“Because when we made love I felt a soul-deep union with you.”
This time he said the words slower and louder, so they’d sink in. “I love you. This morning I put away the pictures of Colleen, except for one on the bookshelf and one in Kyle’s room. I want pictures of us scattered everywhere, the two of us together and the two of us with Kyle. I know your job is here. Your career is here. I don’t particularly want to work in finance again, but I’m sure I could find something in Minneapolis that would suit me. Where we live isn’t important to me. What’s important to me right now is the answer to a question. Will you marry me?”
She looked absolutely stunned.
“Say something,” he commanded.
“I…I can’t have more children. If that’s important to you—”
“You are important to me. If we want more children, we can adopt them.”
Finally letting herself believe him, maybe finally seeing the love in his eyes, she wrapped her arms around his neck and jubilantly gave him the answer he wanted to hear. “Yes, I’ll marry you!”
There were tears in her voice, and when he kissed her, he found the desire, the acceptance and the promise he’d always discovered in their kisses. Now he could give in to that desire freely. He could revel in her acceptance. He could return the promise.
They were breathless when they broke away from each other. He wouldn’t let her go far, and he kept his arms around her.
She laughed and stroked his jaw. “You might not care where we live, but I do. Being a part of this law firm isn’t what I want anymore. I can practice law anywhere. I can open an office in Rapid Creek. I love the lodge and everything about the area. But most of all, I love you.”
“I was afraid I’d blown whatever we had. When I read your letter, I knew you were the most unselfish woman in the world, leaving the way you did.”
The Daddy Dilemma Page 18
