Coming Clean

by Ross Jeff

  I had once come within fifteen seconds of asking Mary Jane out. We’d been standing outside the school. It seemed like a coincidence, but I’d been planning this chance encounter for a week. Mary Jane always waited for Amanda outside the school by the parking lot at the end of the day. However, Amanda was always late. Sometimes there was another girl or two with Mary Jane, but I had noted that on Thursdays she was always alone.

  I had set up the chance encounter by starting to ask Mary Jane a question during history class just as our teacher, Mr. Hodson, was entering the room. Leaving me to slowly sit back in my seat and say, “I’ll talk to you later.”

  I’d found her out by the parking lot like I imagined I would. I started the conversation with a deep discussion of Mr. Hodson’s sweaty armpits. Her laugh made me tingle all over. I moved on to the success of our girls’ volleyball team, of which Mary Jane was a member. And then, right when I said, “So, I was wondering…,” which was the beginning of the well-rehearsed full sentence, “I was wondering if you’d like to catch a movie some time,” Amanda came out of nowhere, grabbed Mary Jane around the neck and dragged her a way in a cloud of “Oh my god, you will not believe.”

  That was my one chance.

  Now, out on the dance floor, Sly had one arm around MJ’s waist. She was smiling up into his face. I could almost hear her laughing. If she was into guys like Sly, I figured I didn’t have a chance.

  I went back to my records.

  “He’s gone now,” Matt said. “Only to be replaced by your brother.” Now it was Adam who had his arms around MJ. It seemed innocent enough. After all, my brother just turned seventeen, and MJ is only fifteen. They weren’t dancing or anything. Just talking.

  He swung away from her, their hands attached for an extra moment.

  “What’s that all about?” I said.

  “That’s about your brother making all the moves you wish you could.”

  “He wouldn’t,” I said.

  “No?” Adam went back to where Sly was talking with one of the bouncers. They banged fists, and then Adam looked up at the booth. He gave me the thumbs-up again, as though nothing had happened. Which, I guess, nothing had.

  Chapter Four

  Two hours later, my set was coming to an end.

  You would never think it, but DJing is incredibly tiring. You’ve pressed all your emotions and energy into matching each song perfectly and creating a flow of sound and beats.

  I took my headphones off and pushed my stack of crates together. I was sweaty and hot. The bass had flattened out some time during my last mix, so I decided to pitch it up a little. Just as I touched the bass fader, there was a loud snap and all the lights went off at once. The mixing board flared with color for a second, then settled into darkness as well.

  I’ve been in some dark places, but I had never before been this encased in blackness. People were yelling and laughing from the dance floor.

  The door of the club opened, and a sliver of light illuminated the front passage.

  “Everyone out,” someone yelled. “Come on, be orderly about it. Fire regulations says everyone gets out.”

  “Don’t you have emergency lights, man?” Someone else yelled.

  “Out.” I decided to stand still. A moment later, there was a stumbling and banging on the staircase beside me.

  “You blew the power, man,” Matt said. I felt a hand on my leg. A second later, another hand grabbed at my crotch.

  “Dude!”

  “Sorry. Jeez, it’s dark.”

  “That is your excuse, and we are going with it. We shall never speak of this moment again.” Everyone had their cell phones out, small white lights guiding them through the darkness.

  “What happened?”

  “I don’t know. I was just shutting down. I don’t think it had anything to do with me.”

  “Quite the way to end a set, my man. You will not be followed,” Matt said.

  “Think the power will come back on?” Matt had his cell phone in front of him. I watched as he bent down beside the mixing board.

  “The streetlights are out too. It must be a full power outage.” Someone came banging up the stairs to the booth.

  “What’d you do, Robbie?” Adam said.

  “It wasn’t me.”

  “Sure it wasn’t.”

  “It looks like the whole neighborhood is out,” Matt said.

  “That was an all right set,” Adam said. For most people, all right means passable. But for my brother, it’s the height of all compliments.

  “Thanks.”

  “I talked to Ernie, and he said you might get next week as well.” He moved back to the stairs. “Come on, I’ll help you get this stuff out of here.” He pulled a flashlight from his back pocket.

  “It’s just these crates,” I said. “Matt already put the turntables back in the car. Maybe we should wait, though, in case the power comes back on.” We stood silently for a moment.

  “In my experience, if the power doesn’t come right back on, it’s going to be out a long time.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Okay. I was done anyway.”

  “Okay, slide the crates over,” Adam said. I slid the first crate toward him. As Adam grabbed it, the flashlight shifted in his hand. The beam caught something low against the wall behind the booth.

  “Hey,” I said. “Wait.”

  “What?” Adam said.

  “There’s something here.”

  “Where?”

  “Right there,” I said. He moved the beam a little more, and what I’d seen before came back into view.

  “That looks like a person,” said Adam. I froze. Adam pushed the crate aside and climbed down from the booth.

  “Hey, hello?” he said. He trained the light on the person. “Hello? Are you all right?” Matt and I followed him down.

  “It’s Mary Jane,” I said. She looked like she’d fallen asleep.

  But not quite.

  I rushed over to her and grabbed her arm.

  It was cold.

  “Mary Jane,” I said.

  “Is she all right?” Adam said.

  “She’s cold.” I shook her a little. “Mary Jane.” She didn’t move.

  “What the hell?” Adam said. He gave a nervous little laugh and bent down beside her. “She party too hard?” He put a finger to her neck. We all waited a second.

  “Shit,” Adam said.

  “What?”

  “Call nine-one-one now!” Adam yelled.

  “What the hell?” Matt said. “What’s happening?”

  Adam gathered her in his arms and ran across the dance floor toward the door.

  “I don’t know,” I said as I took off after my brother.

  “Call an ambulance!” Adam yelled. People cursed at him until they saw what was going on, and then everyone got out of the way.

  The parking lot was full of people shivering in the cold.

  By the time I got outside, Adam was halfway across the lot, still carrying Mary Jane in his arms. A police car swung into the parking lot, and the officers got out. I ran up beside my brother.

  “What happened here?” one of the officers asked. The other was on the radio, calling an ambulance, I hoped.

  “We just found her like this,” Adam said. I scanned the lot looking for Amanda or anyone else who would take the responsibility for her away from us.

  “Do you know if she’s taken anything?” the officer asked.

  “Taken anything?” I said.

  “Drugs.” Adam stood there staring at the officer, Mary Jane still limp in his arms.

  “We just found her behind the DJ booth, after the blackout,” I said.

  “So you were not with her?”

  “No,” I said. “I’m the DJ.”

  “And you don’t know if she’s taken anything.” I looked at Adam again. He’d turned a shade of white I’d never seen before.

  “No,” I said. “We don’t.” An ambulance pulled in behind the cruiser, and two guys got out. They got Mary
Jane onto a stretcher and then started asking questions. Luckily, the police answered for us.

  The paramedics did a quick examination, then slid her into the back of the ambulance. They tore away, the siren wailing.

  It seemed like it had taken forever for all of this to happen. But when I checked my cell phone, only five minutes had passed.

  Adam stood there staring at the departing ambulance. I thought I heard him saying something, though with all the noise, I couldn’t be certain. I took a step closer to him. He was saying something.

  “She’s going to be all right,” he said over and over again.

  And I started to wonder what the hell was going on.

  Chapter Five

  For some reason, we were sitting outside the hospital at three in the morning. Matt had gone home while Adam and I loaded all my stuff into Adam’s car. Then we’d had to answer the same questions over and over again.

  I imagine I looked bored, tired and confused by it all. Adam, on the other hand, looked guilty of something. I had no idea what, but he was nervous and sweaty and kept staring out the window at the blank, white expanse of parking lot.

  I figured at the time that it was because being grilled by the police makes anyone feel guilty. Like you must have done something or you wouldn’t be sitting in the back of a police cruiser.

  Adam had then driven silently through the dark, empty streets. Resurrection Falls looked strange in the middle of the night without streetlights or the blue glow from the odd television set behind curtained windows.

  The hospital was blazing with light. Big, thick plumes of smoke pumped from the smokestacks on the roof. I could smell the diesel generators running from inside the car.

  “What are we doing here, Adam?” I asked.

  “What’s that girl’s last name?” Adam said.

  “McNally,” I said. Adam repeated it.

  “She go to your school?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “She’s in a few of my classes.” He nodded to this. He’d shut the car off, and it was beginning to get cold. I wanted to tell Adam about how I lusted after Mary Jane. I could have told him how her hair smelled, because I sat behind her in history and leaned forward now and then to breathe it in. How far too many of my dreams placed her in a starring role.

  But then I’d have to get into my asking-her-out scheme. And that would just be embarrassing.

  “She nice?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Totally.” He nodded to this.

  “She’s pretty.”

  “Yes,” I said. “This is true.”

  “Shit.”

  “What?” I said. He shook his head.

  “Nothing. I’m going in.” I was about to ask Adam why he was going in, but he was already out of the car and crossing the parking lot. I got out and followed.

  The bright lights of the hospital entranceway were startling at first.

  “Why are we here?” I asked again as the automatic doors closed behind us.

  “Just to see.”

  “See what?” He turned to me. His face was still white. His eyes were red-rimmed, as if he hadn’t slept in days. He looked as if he was going to say something but only shook his head.

  It was impossible to get information out of anyone at the front desk. No, we weren’t family. No, we weren’t close friends. We were just the guys who’d found Mary Jane and brought her out of the club and were wondering if she was going to be all right.

  Eventually, we gave up and went to the waiting room and sat down.

  I hate hospital waiting rooms. I never want to touch anything for fear that I’ll pick up some superbug and die for no good reason. So I sat totally upright, my hands clasped in my lap.

  There were six other people in the room. Every so often one of them would get up and go off somewhere. He or she would eventually come back shaking his or her head and looking mystified. After a while, by listening to them talk to each other, I realized that it was Mary Jane’s family, her mother, father, aunt, sister, cousin and grandfather.

  At around four thirty, her father stood up and announced that he was going to get some answers.

  “We should go,” I said to Adam. He didn’t respond. He was staring at a place on the far wall. I was about to suggest we leave again when a bellow echoed down the hall.

  It was the worst thing I had ever heard.

  If you want to know what it’s like to have your insides slowly scraped out, listen to a bellow like this. Mary Jane’s mother leaped from her seat and darted out of the waiting room. A second later, I could hear her saying, “No, no, no.” Adam shuddered beside me, stood up, slammed a fist into the wall and left.

  Outside, I started yelling at him.

  “What’s going on?” He didn’t respond. “Adam. What the hell were we doing in there?” I was certain Mary Jane had died. If I’m honest, I would even say I sensed her leaving. Like there was this giant inhale followed by a long, slow exhale, and she was gone. “Adam!” I yelled again. We’d reached the car. Adam got in and slammed his door. I got in the passenger side.

  Adam had his head in his hands. He was shaking and sobbing.

  “What is going on, Adam? What were we doing in there? Why were you asking me about her?”

  He shook his head and turned the ignition. He dropped the car into gear and drove down a walkway past the pay station.

  “What the hell are you doing?” By the time we hit the main road, we were moving at almost double the speed limit. “Adam! Slow down. You’re going to get us killed.” He swerved to make a turn, and the car shifted sideways. We slid across the road and smashed into a snow-bank. Snow flew everywhere, coming back down and rattling against the roof. Adam tromped on the gas again, but the tires just spun on the ice and snow. He started jamming the car into Reverse, then Drive, over and over again until the air was filled with smoke.

  He slammed the steering wheel.

  “What the hell is going on, Adam?” He turned to face me. His eyes were filled with water, and tears ran down his cheeks.

  “I killed her,” he screamed. “All right? I killed her.”

  “Who? Mary Jane?”

  “Who else?”

  “What are you even talking about?”

  He started pounding on the driver’s side window until I thought it was going to shatter.

  “I screwed up. Man, did I ever screw up.”

  “What are you talking about, Adam?” He looked ten years older than he had seconds before. Older than I ever could have imagined him.

  “She OD’d,” he said. “And I was the one who gave her the drugs.”

  Chapter Six

  “Let’s get out of here before someone calls the cops,” I said.

  “What for?”

  “Well, we just rammed into a snowbank and then spun out on ice for, like, five minutes. Someone might call that in.” Adam breathed heavily. “I don’t need to have any more interaction with the police tonight, all right? Get out and push. Come on.” I shoved him. I’m not sure if, at first, I shoved him because I was angry or simply to get him to snap out of it.

  Later I would know exactly why.

  “Screw off,” Adam said.

  “Get out and push,” I said again, hitting him.

  He turned toward me. Something rose from deep inside me. I punched him in the face.

  “What the hell!” he yelled. He undid his seatbelt and came across the seat at me. He managed to get me pinned with one hand and started hammering on me with the other. I covered my head and face with my hands and arms and bent over. “Why’d you hit me?”

  “Because you didn’t do anything,” I shouted.

  “I did,” he said, still punching me. “I killed her.”

  I suddenly shot my left arm out. Caught him under the chin. As he fell back. I undid my seatbelt and rolled out of the car. I crab-walked away from the open door. Adam got out and, holding on to the hood, maneuvered himself around the front of the car. He let go for a second and slipped on the ice, hitting the ground wit
h a sharp, fast exhalation of air.

  “You didn’t kill her,” I yelled. “I don’t know what happened, but you didn’t shoot her or stab her or strangle her. You didn’t kill her.” Adam pulled himself up and leaned against the hood of his car.

  “I gave her the pill,” he said.

  “What are you?” I said. “A drug dealer? Is that what you do at the club?”

  “No. Not really.”

  “What then?” I said.

  “I just give them to people.”

  “So you’re like, what, an illegal-substance Santa Claus? I don’t get it.” Every time one of us spoke, the air filled with the warm white clouds of our breath. Whenever we stopped talking, the world seemed entirely silent.

  “No. It wasn’t like that. It was…” The door of the house we were standing in front of opened. A guy came out in a worn-out bathrobe.

  “What’s going on out here?” he yelled.

  “We hit some ice,” I said.

  “Okay, so what’s all the yelling about?”

  “We’re on our way,” I said. I looked at Adam. “Right?”

  “Just trying to get the car out of this snowbank!” Adam called. He turned himself so that his hands were on the hood, with one leg stretched out behind him. “Get in and back it out.”

  I got into the car and turned the ignition. I put it in reverse and gave it some gas. With Adam pushing, the car popped off the icy patch and out of the snowbank back onto dry pavement. I put the car in Park and slid across to the passenger seat. Adam got in and slammed the door closed.

  “Why were you handing drugs out?” I asked.

  “It was just something I did, man. It was nothing. I mean, everyone there is on E or something. It’s no big deal.”

  Well, I thought, someone died because of it. So maybe it is a big deal.

  “Where were you getting the drugs from?”

  “Sly,” he said. “And it was just E. Nothing else.”

  “Was he paying you for doing this?”

  “Not really. Not officially or anything.”

  “How did people pay for the drugs?”

  “They gave me the money. But I never kept any of it. I put it in this box.” It was beginning to sound ridiculous.