by Jim Sano
David smiled and then paused before entering his office. “Izzie, did you ever hear of My Brother’s Table?”
“Sure, Mr. Kelly. It’s the food kitchen a few blocks away from here. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, no reason.” He left Izzie looking confused and curious.
A few hours into the day, Sean Quigley poked his head into David’s office. “Do you have a second, DJ?”
“Sure, Quigs. Come in. How’ve you been doing?”
“I was doing fine until I found out information about Jack Carusso last night. You know we lost two of our largest accounts, Diamond Tech and Brasco, earlier this quarter and now Fastler is showing signs of being shaky?”
“What does that have to do with Jack?”
“Both accounts went to the same competitor, InfoEdge. When I talked to execs at those accounts, it seemed like InfoEdge had too much information about us and knew just where to hit us to flip the account. Now some contacts at Fastler are bringing up the same issues. Well, last night, I found out that Jack has been talking with the management team at InfoEdge and working to steal those accounts before he moves over to them. I can’t believe it. With all the investment and trust we put in him, he would turn on us like this.”
David had no patience for disloyalty. Trust was not something David easily granted without building it over time. Within minutes David had given instructions to have Jack’s systems and badge access shut down and his termination papers completed with his two-year non-compete clause highlighted. Thirty minutes later, Jack Carusso stood still on the sidewalk in his custom-tailored suit, expensive shoes, and gold jewelry. His large ego, dishonest methods, and greediness had driven a sense of invincibility for Jack, but it was the broken trust that ended his career at IMS for David.
Around six thirty, Kevin Walsh poked his head into David’s office. “Are you still up for getting together after work for a beer?”
Still bothered by the situation with Jack and buried with work, David almost forgot about meeting with Kevin after work. “Sure. Sure. How about the Grille?” Kevin enjoyed going to the Capital Grille restaurant for its quality aged steaks, great drinks, and the atmosphere of an old men’s smoking lounge with leather chairs, rich wood-paneled walls, and dimly lit tables and booths.
Both David and Kevin had been to the Grille many times with important customers, company functions, or just for drinks and dinner. The maître d’ at the desk beamed with immediate recognition. “Mr. Kelly. Mr. Walsh. How are you this evening? Would you like a table or prefer the lounge tonight?”
David offered, “Walshy, do you have time for dinner?”
Kevin seemed pleased. “I think I could be talked into it.”
The restaurant was busy for a Thursday night, but the staff always held a few tables for valued customers. They ordered drinks and told the waiter they wanted time before putting in their dinner order. When the drinks came, Kevin raised his whiskey straight up to David’s bourbon on the rocks. “Here’s to us, good health and better days ahead.”
David tapped his glass to Kevin’s. “To us.”
Kevin finished half of his drink in one swig. “I’m glad you had time to get together. I know I sounded a bit on the edge about things last time. I’ve been thinkin’ a lot lately and have no outlet outside my own head. And we both know that is not a safe place for thoughts to be for Kevin Walsh.”
David gave a slight smile as Kevin continued, “I guess I haven’t spent much time, since we started this ride, to stop and think about things. I mean, we work so many hours, travel all the time, busy doing this and that and finding new ways to amuse ourselves. It’s like I’m constantly consuming things but always feel empty. You’d think if I drink, I wouldn’t feel thirstier or when I buy a new toy, I wouldn’t feel like I instantly need to look for something else. The more money I make, the more I think I want to have, and the more women I sleep with, the lonelier I am. Am I talking crazy to you or do you know what I’m talkin’ about?”
David took a sip to buy a few seconds before responding. He wasn’t feeling any of what Kevin was describing. While he couldn’t say he was satisfied, he didn’t feel empty or sad. He was energized being busy with work. He enjoyed the things he had, his homes, his business, his cars, the respect and esteem he had within the company, his freedom to date women he desired, and generally doing whatever he wanted. It hit David that he was so busy, he never had time to question if he was truly happy or not.
He made eye contact with Kevin. “Walshy, I don’t have the same feelings you’re experiencing. Are you sure it’s not just the stress of thinking too much about 9-11? Do you need some time off after the quarter to relax and enjoy life again?”
Kevin stared down into his glass at the shades of reddish gold liquor. “I don’t think that’ll help, DJ. I’m afraid that if I stop, I might just fall into that dark pit I’m constantly walkin’ around the edge of. Look, I don’t want to bring you down. I just thought, since we’ve been doin’ and chasin’ a lot of the same stuff, you might be having some of the same feelings. You know, I keep havin’ this dream where I have all the money in the world and everyone is jealous of me, but I can’t spend the money on anything that would make me happy.”
David felt sincerely bad for Kevin. “Walshy, I’m not sure what to offer you. I’ll have to think on it a bit.”
“I was just lookin’ for an understanding ear. I appreciate it, DJ. It’s kind of funny but sad to think about things at the same time. No matter how incredibly gorgeous a woman I’ve been able to spend the night with, it’s never stayed with me in any meaningful way like an afternoon spent with my five-year-old son fishin’ or readin’ a book to my three-year-old daughter while she’s sittin’ on my lap in her PJs after a bath. I don’t have that anymore and I don’t know what I thought I was gettin’ in return. I was happier as a kid drivin’ a beat-up car I bought and fixed up for two hundred bucks or just spendin’ time with my brothers playin’ baseball with a taped-up ball and a bat we made. I know we aren’t kids anymore, but I wonder if we were smarter back then when it was all about the people we were with instead of the things we pile up or the people we hang out with because of what they can do for us?”
David whispered with a tone of concern, “Kev, you really have been thinking about this a lot. You’re starting to worry me.”
“Don’t worry too much. I’ll be okay, and I appreciate the support. I can tell you one thing I’m not gonna do. I’m not going to fly on any damn plane next Wednesday on 9-11, and I hope you don’t either!”
“You can count on me. Now let’s get some of those steaks.”
They had a good dinner and David was able to get Kevin to laugh a bit, reminiscing about the fun times they had early in their careers at IMS, in and out of work.
Kevin drove David home after dinner. “I would walk you to the door, but I don’t kiss on a first date, so you’re on your own, sweetie. See you in the morning.”
David waved to Kevin as he drove off. He walked up the stairs to see Trooper and took him for an evening stroll. Trooper was, as usual, happy to see him since he could relax from his guard duties and spend time with his owner. Maybe Walshy should get a dog. It might make him feel better. He gave Jillian a quick call to say goodnight and asked her if she was free the following evening. When his head hit the pillow, he wondered what was different about his life than Walshy’s.
Chapter 10
Jillian came over Friday night, happy to be with David. He suggested several outings, but Jillian turned them all down in favor of making dinner together and playing a game. They had fun chopping and preparing the salad and the chicken as they enjoyed some Italian wine and assorted cheeses at the kitchen counter before taking everything up to the terrace. They grilled the chicken and sat at the table by patio garden boxes full of flowers and shrubs that provided a private garden setting.
As they sat for dinner, David fed Trooper a few pieces of chicken and asked Jillian if she was glad that the summer semester was ov
er.
“I think I’m glad.”
“You think you’re glad?”
“Well, yeah. I was looking forward to it, but there’s always a letdown after something ends and I don’t know what to do.”
David said, “I can’t imagine you being down. You are always so positive and upbeat.”
Jillian paused. “Well, I’ve been doing well lately, but I’m not always feeling either positive or upbeat. I wouldn’t normally share this so early in a relationship, and I hope my sense you won’t run away is accurate, but—”
“My feet and heart are going nowhere.”
Jillian sighed. “I don’t want to put a damper on the evening, but I’ve been fighting depression most of my life.”
“We all get down from time to time.”
“It’s a little different from just getting down or sad once in a while. Sometimes, it’s almost like being in a suit made of lead trying to move through quicksand. Like you don’t have the energy or will to get yourself out of it.”
David, himself, had experienced trauma and a feeling of hopeless emptiness at all too young an age, but he had put that far behind him, determined to never be controlled by those feelings again. It was hard for him to understand why everyone couldn’t do the same and move on, so he didn’t press her to explain. “Jill, I want you to always be free to tell me how you feel. I would hope that the two of us being together would make you happy.”
“You’re so right. With you, I can’t help but feel perfectly content and happy. It’s something I’m thankful for every day. Now let’s eat this finely prepared meal before Trooper does.”
The meal, the wine, and the cannoli were a feast for three as they sat and talked under the evening blanket of the moonless summer sky, lit by countless stars. Their earlier conversation seemed forgotten by Jillian as they kissed with the light evening breeze caressing their bodies. David could tell she felt chilly with her sleeveless top and light summer skirt, so they left the dishes and walked down the stairs from the roof into the apartment still kissing.
Neither Jillian nor David woke until the morning sunlight had filled the room. The alarm didn’t go off. No music nor routine run. David slept in, and it was something he realized he hadn’t done for many years.
Jillian was still nestled next to his body, and he watched her for a few minutes before it hit him that he was supposed to be picking up his daughter Amy in less than two hours.
He slid himself out of bed, leaving Jillian to sleep as he quietly crept into the bathroom to shave, shower, and dress. His shower wasn’t a soothing one as he anxiously thought of how to entertain his maturing and increasingly distant daughter. He felt nervous about seeing Kathleen, even after six years of separation. David was used to feeling in charge and at ease, but he was feeling neither, at the moment, as he formulated how to tell Jillian that he’d forgotten about his day with Amy.
He woke up Jillian and apologized for the short notice. She understood, quickly got dressed, and readied to go. David had run out to get coffee and breakfast sandwiches for the drive to Jillian’s before heading down the Southeast Expressway towards Hingham where he had once lived for almost ten years with his wife Kathleen.
Hingham was a charming old town on the shore south of Boston. Early in their relationship, David and Kathleen went sailing there with a friend of his. He could see the gleam in her eyes as she first drove through the quaint town with historic homes, comfortable neighborhoods, and access to the ocean that always made her smile. It wasn’t hard to tell where she would love to live when they got married in September 1985.
Under David’s usually confident and comfortable demeanor, his heart was pounding as he walked up to the entrance of his old residence, a beautiful 1905 Victorian home with a welcoming front porch, a large well-landscaped yard, and an easy walk into town and to the harbor. He’d felt his own uneasy anticipation as he lifted the brass shell knocker on the front door and knocked three times, trying to guess if Kathleen or his son James would open the door to answer. It was Kathleen O’Shea Kelly who opened the door and smiled at him while letting him know with her look he was late again. “Good afternoon, David.”
David breathed in, resisting the temptation of getting lost in Kathleen’s striking blue sapphire eyes.
She brushed back a shiny lock of shoulder-length dark brown hair, and David paused to recall how he loved caressing her hair at nineteen when its attractive length almost reached her waist. Despite the years that had passed, she was still beautiful in ways that seemed to radiate from deep within her soul. Whether she was wearing a little black dress, ready for an evening out, or no makeup, a tee-shirt, and a pair of jean Capris, David saw the same beautiful woman that attracted him to her many years ago. “How’ve you been?”
“I’m fine.” She turned and hollered toward the upstairs. “Amy. Your dad’s here.”
A moment later, Amy came down the stairs wearing a pair of black jeans, an attractive top, and ballet-like shoes. Despite the distant and unenthusiastic greeting on her face, she was radiant with a pretty ribbon tied around her long, light-brown hair highlighted by the summer’s sun. He hadn’t noticed that Amy was becoming a grown woman and a beautiful one at that.
He tried to give Amy a hug, and while she didn’t pull back, she didn’t reciprocate. “Hey, Ames, I’m looking forward to our date today.” He and Kathleen exchanged glances knowing Amy wasn’t in a great place in the relationship with either of them right now but less so with her absent father.
As Amy shrugged, David noticed James coming in from the backyard. James was less than a year old when David moved out of the house. He had little sense of a real relationship with his father, but as he tilted his head up and looked so earnestly at David with his large brown eyes, it was painfully clear to see how much he wished for it. James had begun Little League baseball in the spring and was proudly wearing his Tigers team hat and tightly held the baseball in the glove that David had given to him for his seventh birthday. He was on the scrawny side and looked a lot like David had as a child.
David squatted down to eye level with James. “When I come by next week, do you promise to play ball with me?” James cautiously smiled and nodded as his father stood up and put his hand on James’s head. David realized Amy was already sitting in the car, so he turned to Kathleen. “I’ll have her back before eleven.”
“She’s been acting out and testing more, but I think she just needs to know we respect that she’s growing up and that we care about her. Try to listen to her more. Sometimes people act very much the opposite of what they really want and need.” David nodded and patted James on the head as he noticed that James was still looking up at him.
Amy was sitting in the car wearing the earphones from her iPod. He slid into the driver’s seat and resisted saying the several sarcastic things that came to mind as he started the car. “I hear you have your learner’s permit now. Do you want to drive?”
Amy pulled out one earphone. “As much as I would love to drive your car around town, I think I’ll pass until I get the automatic down.”
“Just thought I’d offer.”
Amy sat silently for the next fifteen minutes of the drive and then snapped, “Why do you bother coming to get me for your obligatory monthly visit? I wasn’t important enough for you to stay. There was always something more important than me in your life—and don’t give me the usual stuff about your leaving had nothing to do with me, and it was only between you and Mom, so don’t blame myself. You left all of us!”
He knew Amy struggled with the separation, but that was six years ago. He wasn’t expecting the sudden outburst, and he wasn’t sure how best to respond.
Suddenly, he pulled off the expressway exit and drove to Squantum Point Park, which was on the oceanfront in Quincy. The Boston skyline was right across the harbor from this park that once was a naval airfield and shipbuilding company. Today there was a two-mile river walk and dozens of species of wild birds to keep walkers entertained.
“I don’t think you have any idea how hard this has been on James, on Mom, or on—” She stopped, closed her eyes, and breathed deeply to hold back her tears. He reached his hand over to touch her shoulder, but she pulled back. David got out of the car and leaned against it to collect himself. As she let out her years of emotions, he remembered feeling the same sense of abandonment, anger, and overall confusion when his own father was suddenly gone.
To avoid the flood of feelings he subconsciously knew were ready to overwhelm him, he took several deep breaths and moved his emotions into a safer compartment. He opened Amy’s passenger door and put out his hand as if to ask for a dance. “Let’s walk a little.”
Amy took his hand, and together they started down the shoreline path in silence.
David let their footsteps calm their pounding hearts for a good five minutes before he spoke. “Amy, I would never want you to believe I don’t care deeply about you. I love you and I’m so sorry that things with your mom and I didn't work out. It happens, and it’s truly not your fault.” They continued to stroll along the path as the fall sun warmed their faces. The sounds of the waves on the shore and the birds calling calmed his nerves.
Amy let the heavy silence build between them for the next quarter mile of the path. With her eyes cast down, she spoke in an emotion-packed whisper. “That doesn’t make anything feel better. Even when you left, you’d see James and me for a full weekend every other week and now it’s maybe for five to eight hours once a month. I can do the math and that’s less than one percent of your time. We even have to wonder if you’re going to call that off for something ‘more important.’”
David still felt caught off guard and his normal ability to manage a conversation deserted him. “I never knew you felt that way. Most of the time, I get the feeling you wished I hadn’t come and couldn’t wait to get back home.”
