by Jim Sano
Thinking of Kathleen drew his thoughts to his first freshman day at Northeastern University twenty-one years ago. He remembered being excited and nervous. He had rarely ventured out of his North Shore city except for sports events and had applied to Northeastern because of its Co-op program that allowed students to alternate academic semesters with full-time work at local companies, which helped to pay for school and also gain work experience and contacts. His first day was nerve-racking, riding the crowded subway and finally extricating himself from the trolley with only ten minutes to find his class on a campus he had never even visited.
David thought he could find the building, but after twenty minutes of scurrying from building to building and feeling panicked, he finally asked a girl if she knew where Lake Hall was. When she smiled and pointed to the building behind him, he turned beet red and thanked her as he hurried in to find classroom 305 for freshman English. When he reached the room, he saw only empty chairs and an older professor sitting in the front of the class wearing a tweed jacket and dark-rimmed glasses that sat on the end of his nose as he read through some notes. He looked up at David, who was out of breath. “Good morning, young man. Can I help you?”
David must’ve nervously appeared confused. “I was running late for my nine o’clock class but—”
A smile came to the right side of the professor’s mouth as he replied, “You are more than welcome to join my freshman English class, but it doesn’t start until nine-thirty.”
David peered down at his schedule and noticed that he had nine o’clock classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday but nine-thirty classes on Tuesday and Thursday. He had the right class but the wrong time and sat down near the back door. The awkward silence was broken as other students entered the classroom, including the girl who had helped this frantic student find his class. He busied himself, looking down at his empty notebook, but he could see out of the corner of his eye she was sitting down at the desk next to him.
She smirked. “I admire your commitment to getting to class on time.”
David nodded, turned in his seat, and extended his hand to her. “David.”
“No, it’s Kathleen.”
At that moment, he noticed how attractive Kathleen was, not just physically, but much more below the surface. He loved Kathleen’s easy manner, her infectious smile, and her natural attractiveness that needed no makeup to enhance her long dark brown hair, fair skin, and her mesmerizingly beautiful blue sapphire eyes. On a campus where most of the female students were wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, Kathleen’s simple but attractively feminine dress was a nice change.
It turned out that neither one of them had gotten breakfast before class, so they went to a small diner across from the campus, where they sat and talked for two hours. David found the conversation refreshingly comfortable and fun without the normally awkward beginning. Kathleen was an intelligent, witty, caring, deep, silly, and naturally nice person. She grew up in nearby Newton in a large Irish family and was the first to head off to college as a commuting student like David. At night Kathleen helped out with her younger siblings, did her own homework, and worked her part-time job waitressing at a local restaurant.
He never formally asked Kathleen out. They simply started dating and spending as much time together as they could. She was an English Lit major and was a great help to him in gaining writing skills. David was a business major and so he helped Kathleen with her statistics class. What struck him the most about their relationship was his ability to talk to her about anything without feeling guarded as he had for the previous ten years of his life. His relationship with Kathleen allowed him the freedom to be himself and have a place to share his thoughts, feelings, and dreams.
David had struggled through Hamlet in his freshman English class with Kathleen, who found Shakespeare’s poetry and insights more beautiful and profound than he ever did. They would read the lines together, and Kathleen would try to explain to him what was going on. Polonius’s advice to his son Laertes to be true to himself had passed right over his head. The last thing David felt he could ever do was to slow down long enough to be completely honest with himself about what he was feeling, what he feared most, and how devastated he was about the loss of his brother Jimmy and the complete betrayal of trust he had in his father. This was the one thing he could never share with anyone, including Kathleen. She had told him once that she was attracted to something intangible that she admired and cherished in him. She said that she knew, despite his faults, his obsessive focus on personal excellence and success, and his resistance to open up in areas she knew were painfully hidden deep in him, that he was a good person, and that he had the gift to be a great man.
He thought to himself, Am I a great man? The men at work respected me. I’ve achieved great success in the business world. Why, then, do I feel empty and lost?
That weekend, David reclined in his leather chair, exhausted from the end-of-quarter push at work, his reflections on life and success shoved into the recess of his mind as he flipped back and forth between the last Red Sox game of the season and the Patriots football game.
Finally, he turned the TV off and picked up his phone. It was time to give Jillian a call to at least see how she was doing and to apologize. He rang her cell phone, but she didn’t answer. He decided to drive over to her apartment to see if she was there. She didn’t answer the door, but he saw her yellow Volkswagen Beetle in the driveway. He texted that he and Trooper, whom he was smart enough to bring along, were sitting on her front steps and that they would understand if she didn’t want to see them. A while later, Trooper stood up as the screen door squeaked open and Jillian walked out to sit next to David.
Jillian broke the silence. “I only came out to see Trooper.”
He could tell she had been crying for some time.
Jillian said, “I’ve been so concerned about you, but you haven’t called for so long that I haven’t known what to think.”
David put his hand on her shoulder. “Jill, please know it’s all me and had nothing to do with you. I don’t know what ‘it’ is exactly, but I just needed time to pull back a bit from everyone. I know it was really unfair to you not to have called and I am sorry. I don’t expect you to trust me or forgive me, but I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“Well, I’m not doing well. I tried to fight these feelings and kept saying to myself that you were hurt and needed time and would call the next day, but after a while, I just couldn’t stop sinking into a bad place. What I do know is that I cannot survive another relationship that will—” She started crying and wiping her tears as quickly as she could, to no avail. “What I need you to do is to take care of yourself and figure out what you think you need and if we’re going to have a relationship. I cannot do any sort of emotional roller coaster right now.” She kissed him on the cheek and stood up and went back into the house before he could think of what to say. Trooper looked up at him with concern and disappointment.
David sat frozen for several minutes on the steps, truly not knowing what to think, what to feel or what to do. He knew about her father and difficult childhood, and she had also told him about being dumped after a long relationship with some guy she thought she was going to marry. He still didn’t know what to do for her that wouldn’t end up hurting her even more in the end. Finally, he stood up under the tree where he and Jillian had exchanged their first kiss and moment of connection together. Some leaves were turning brilliant yellow, orange, and red colors that would soon fill the New England autumn landscape. A few leaves had already fallen onto the sidewalk and his car as he let Trooper into the passenger side and readied himself to head somewhere, anywhere. Just as he started the car, his cell phone rang. David thought it might be Jillian but could see the caller ID and it was Kathleen. He turned off the car and answered. “Hi.”
Kathleen seemed a little anxious. “David, did you get your messages yesterday?”
“No, I haven’t listened to them yet. I was at work all day yester
day and this morning. Is everything all right with the kids? With you?”
Kathleen’s voice got softer to not be overheard. “James was talking about missing his day with you. He was convinced you would’ve called him with a surprise this weekend because you had promised to take him to another Red Sox game before the end of the season, and today was the last game. He got very concerned about you and said, ‘Dad would never break a promise. I think something must be wrong for him not to call.’ I don’t know how you want to handle this, but I wanted you to know and think you should talk with him.”
David ran his free hand through his short brown hair to the back of his neck. “James is right. I did promise him to take him to a game, and I have been so wrapped up with work and my own self that I completely forgot. Jeez, he deserves better than that!”
“What are you doing this evening?”
“Nothing. What do you have in mind?”
“If you can be here before six, I have an idea that might help.”
After dropping off Trooper, he drove to Hingham and pulled up at the house not knowing what to expect, but ready to play along with Kathleen’s plan and somehow make this up to James. James was trying to play catch with himself in the front yard. He stopped when he saw David pulling up in his familiar sports car and yelled out, “Dad!” as Kathleen came out the door with an old glove of David’s. James ran over to his father and was having a hard time getting his words out in his excitement. “Mom told me…that you wanted to take me to the game today but something important came up, but you still wanted to come down to see me and go to a movie together!”
David took the glove from Kathleen and quickly exchanged a thankful smile as he put his hand on James’s back. “James, do you forgive me? How about if we play catch for a bit and then make a plan for just us tonight?”
Kathleen said, “Just for a few minutes.” As James ran out to his spot to catch the ball, Kathleen leaned into David. “You can thank me later, but I think a pizza dinner here, and then a movie at the Loring and maybe an ice cream may save the day. Just don’t keep him out too late. He has school tomorrow.”
David played catch with James, showing him how to use his body to throw harder and how to catch fly balls and grounders. Some neighborhood kids slowed down on their bikes as they watched James. “Just playing catch with my dad,” he yelled out.
When Kathleen called the ballplayers, David saw a look of disgust on Amy’s face and deduced she was aware that he’d forgotten to take James to the game. Her greeting was reserved if not cold. Nevertheless, they all took seats at the table. It was the first time they had sat down as a family for dinner since James was in a highchair. Amy was generally quiet and gave only short answers to any questions from David or Kathleen, but she was attentive to James as he talked about whatever popped into his head.
While cleaning up, David joined Kathleen in the kitchen to wash the dishes by hand at the old soapstone kitchen sink. Kathleen handed him a dish to dry. “Thanks for coming on short notice. There is a movie called The Rookie playing at Loring Hall in town that I thought James might enjoy seeing since it’s about baseball. I heard from neighbors it was pretty good. Maybe you could take him downtown and spend some time with him before and after the show?”
David smiled at Kathleen. “You are a really good mom, Kathleen O’Shea Kelly.” He set the dried pizza pan to the side and picked up a plate. “How is Amy doing? She seems very quiet.”
Kathleen shook her head in concern. “I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe it’s just natural growing pains, though I feel as if we’re losing her.” She glanced over his shoulder at the old kitchen clock. “We’ll have to talk about it later. Right now, you better head out if you want to have some real time with James.”
David sighed and wasn’t sure how to help with Amy. “Okay. We won’t be too late.”
He found James in the family room. Amy had already gone back upstairs. “Are you ready, Sport?”
As they walked out the front door, he paused to holler up the stairs. “Amy, we’ll be back.”
Kathleen was at the door holding the damp dish towel. “Have a nice time, boys.”
As David walked with James, it struck him how small James still was, only four feet tall and as thin as he had been at his age. He also realized that he really didn’t know him well outside of enjoying the idea of playing sports and craving his attention. They arrived in front of Loring Hall, a large, white Greek Revival structure with three arched doorways and wooden steps that people ascended as the line moved along to purchase tickets at the old style wooden ticket booth. As a young child, something seemed special about seeing a picture here and from the joy on James’s face, he was sure James felt the same way.
After the movie, they walked to Brigham’s Ice Cream Parlor, which was just a few doors down from the theater. He enjoyed watching James work on the large ice cream sundae covered with hot fudge and whipped cream as much as James enjoyed devouring it himself.
“You know, Dad, anytime you need someone to see a show with, I’m always available and I’m glad we didn’t go to the last game today because it was against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and I would’ve been rooting against us.”
David laughed. “You’re supposed to root for your team and not for the other team.”
“But I like Tampa Bay now because, in the movie, Coach Morris got a chance to make his dream come true with them. Did you get to make your dreams come true, Dad? I hope you did but if you didn’t, it looks like you still can.”
He nodded, thinking the day with James had been saved, but as he gazed at his son, he wavered, unsettled by the question. Hadn’t Kathleen and his children been part of that dream? This son at his side, whom he barely knew anymore, had been a dream come true, hadn’t he?
Chapter 17
The next week stretched on with typical business issues: listening to sales managers explain why their taking a bad deal to make their quota was a good thing for the company, pulling together the wrap-up summary for the quarter, and dinner at the Capital Grille with the senior team at the Boston office to celebrate another record quarter. They celebrated, congratulated each other and toasted David, as they all knew that the morning would be all about game planning for another very strong fourth quarter to finish the year out.
That night, he sat at his kitchen table to look through the newspaper, but an odd feeling pulled at him and he turned to look at the freezer door. Nothing unusual this time. Just to make certain, he got up to examine each photograph and saw nothing out of place, which allowed him to relax. However, later in the evening, as he readied for bed, he noticed something sitting on his pillow—a rock. When he picked up the heavy stone, he noticed something written on the bottom that made no sense to him: nihil fit ex nihilo. How could it have gotten into his apartment? He knew it couldn’t be Jillian, and Lucy, the dog walker, was out of town this week. No one else had a key. Also, Trooper would’ve been restless when he got home if anyone he didn’t know and trust had entered the apartment. He made a note to call his security company to change the locks and check the alarms.
He didn’t get to sleep until late and woke up an hour late, restless and unsure about playing basketball in the afternoon, but carried his sports bag with the stone he had found on his pillow to the office. He was noticeably off during the day.
“Mr. Kelly, I still have your schedule blocked after four o’clock. Don’t you worry,” said Izzie to him as he was taking one of the customer folders from her. “Are you all right, Mr. Kelly?”
David glanced up. “What? Oh sure. Everything’s fine,”
By four o’clock, he felt too antsy to stay at the office. By the time he got down to the lobby, he decided that a little physical exercise might not be a bad thing today. He changed and headed over to the court where Tom was already shooting baskets with a few younger kids.
As David approached, Tom said, “Hey, these two NBA players want to take us on.” The two young boys looked at each other, shook their
heads and dribbled down to the other end of the court to play.
“I think they didn’t want to waste their time playing us until we were ready.”
Tom laughed. “You may be right. How have you been this past week?”
David started talking about all the end-of-quarter work, but Tom interrupted, “No. How have you been doing?”
David cocked an eyebrow at the thought that there was as difference. “Me? I’m fine. I spent some time with my son on Sunday, but I’ve been busy with work otherwise.”
Tom let it go and started shooting with David before playing their usual set of games, only today David wasn’t his usual intense self, winning only one game to Tom’s three. It was a good workout but not the normal battle on each play. They stood for a few minutes, catching their breath and letting the early fall evening breeze cool them off.
Tom said, “Why don’t I treat you tonight?”
David didn’t argue. He picked up his bag and began the short walk to Dempsey’s for a pint. As they entered the pub, Dempsey looked up and Tom held up two fingers as they made their way towards an empty booth. There was a rolled-up Boston Globe newspaper at the far side of the table. One of the headlines read, “For Church Counselor, A `Heartbreaking' Job.” David noticed the life draining from Tom’s face as he could tell that Tom knew it was another article on the sex abuse crisis.
Dempsey came over with two tall beers. “Boys, I hope these’ll quench your thirst.”
David held up his mug with a cold frost on the outside. “Cheers.”
Tom tapped his mug against David’s and took a few gulps.
“Do you mind looking at something for me?” asked David.
