by Jim Sano
After an hour of walking, David had flushed out most of the agitation and moved to an honest recognition that he had impacted people with his avoidance and probably was doing things to gain his father’s approval. He started asking himself if spending time with his kids and promising his wife a real commitment was more to show his dad he was worthy of his love than out of a true act of love. One thing David was beginning to be sure of was that he wasn’t all that sure of anything right now.
Trooper was waiting for him at the door, seeming as if he knew exactly how David felt.
Chapter 46
The next morning, after another night of tossing and turning, David took a morning run with the intent of seeing Tom. Once he got there, he resisted the desire to turn around. David crossed the street and slowly approached Tom, who was saying goodbye to parishioners from morning Mass. The two stood silently before David said, “I’m sorry for leaving so abruptly, again.”
He shook David’s hand. “Not a problem. I was poking in uncomfortable territory.”
“I feel a bit lost. I have no desire to go where I need to go, and I think I need help.”
Tom gave a subtle nod. “I know some really good counselors—”
“No! I’ll only talk to you. I need someone I can trust.”
Tom put his hands on David’s shoulders and peered curiously into David’s eyes. “You trust me, David? You know, it’s not a good idea for a friend to be your counselor. To make any progress, you may have to go to very uncomfortable places and withstand the trials of seeing the ugliest parts of yourself, to be displeasing to yourself. That can be very difficult to do with someone you know; it could end the friendship.”
David smirked. “I’m willing to lose you, but isn’t it you who said true love is being able to show yourself, warts and all, and know you will still be loved unconditionally?”
Tom nodded, and David took off on his run without a word.
Wednesday afternoon, David enjoyed himself working with the boys on new plays and thought of nothing else but his interactions with the boys. After practice was over, David wasn’t sure what to expect next. After collecting the balls, Tom said, “I have an idea. What do you think about continuing to study the Catholic faith on Wednesdays and then use Fridays for what we discussed Saturday morning?”
“So that I can have the weekend to put myself back together?”
“Something like that. Do you mind going over to the church for tonight’s class?”
David frowned. “I kind of like thinking of a basketball gym as my church.”
“We could do that, but tonight the church might work better for this.”
Tom opened the doors of the church and waved David in. “I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of G.K. Chesterton, but he would’ve loved the pub debates we’ve been having. He once said, ‘When he has entered the Church, he finds the Church is much larger inside than it is outside.’ One of the first things to know about the Church is that it’s not this building or any building; it’s not even what people might think of as a human organization that is a coming together of like-minded people for some mundane purpose.”
David stared at the high arches of the church and the rare beauty of its architecture. “Why do they call this building a ‘church’ then?”
“This is the sacred space where members of the Church gather and where most of the sacraments are celebrated. This is where we come together as a community, to hear the word of God himself, to be strengthened by his grace, guided by truth, and to be in the real presence of Christ and he in us. So, in some ways, it is just a building, but in other ways, it’s part of something special.”
“Okay, but there seems to be a heck of a lot of made-up rituals and noise. If you want to be spiritual, why do you need a building or all this religion to get in the way of keeping it simple and more direct?”
Tom smiled.
“Do you think my question is funny?”
“No. No. It’s one of the most common questions I get. ‘Spiritual, but not religious.’ We talked about this a few months back at the pub. I think personal spiritual seeking can be a good thing. We should seek the truth about ourselves and God. The problem is that we’re very human and our solo journeys of faith usually don’t work and usually are rooted in a flawed approach. Ask a hundred people who are ‘spiritual but not religious’ how it’s going so far, and most will say they haven’t really gotten fully into it. When we seek God, we have a human tendency to do it on our own terms and begin to create a God in our image. When we put ourselves in charge, we see what our limited imagination can see, and we choose the parts of God we want to see. The key to the spiritual life is to understand it is God Himself who seeks us and chooses us, and not the other way around. God has revealed Himself to us through His Word, through the Incarnation, the teaching and loving example of Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, and the Church Jesus built and left for us as the ‘pillar and foundation of truth.’”
Tom held his hands open. “Here is the tough part. Think of the Church as not a building or organization but as the Body of Christ Himself. He told us we are members of His body and we see God more fully through his eyes and words than anything that comes from our limited human understanding or imagination. Jesus gave a hard time to the religious people who weren’t spiritual, but as a very religious man Himself, He taught that the two go indispensably together. He knew our human side and our needs better than anyone, so He left us Himself in a Church that understood that need.
“Jesus said, ‘I will build my Church and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.’ Do you think any human organization with all the corruption of individuals in it would’ve done anything but collapse a long time ago? He said His Church would be the light of the world, a city on a hill that cannot hide and that the Holy Spirit would guide it in truth. The other side of the coin is that the Church is also us, and we have our problems. It’s a community of sinners, so we will always have failings at all levels in the Church, but at its core, it is the Body of Christ and can never fail to be true. Jesus said He is the vine, and we are branches and a branch cannot bear fruit unless it abides in the vine. That is why it’s so important for us to belong to His Body, to be part of his Church.”
Tom’s words weren’t totally resonating with him. David said, “Okay, but that doesn’t answer my questions about all the rituals and ceremony, the rules and regulations.”
“Give me an example.”
They were still standing in the back of the church. “How about all the things you have to do to ‘get in,’ like Baptism and Confirmation. Why do you need to go through those ceremonies to be acceptable?”
“I think that’s a very fair question. At work, if a sales rep asked you why they needed to go through your training, spend time with customers, learn the products, or be at work to be on your team, what would you say?”
“I’d tell him to find another place to work.”
“But what if I told you that he was really good at selling and would be a top member of your team?”
David saw his point and frowned. “Then I’d tell him to keep an open mind and trust my guidance that they’ll come to see why these things were important to help combine what he needed with the skills he brought.”
“Okay. Now God knows He has already made you acceptable, but He also knows you need His grace to follow and be in Him. Jesus knew we are human and initiated sacraments to help give us the grace, strength, and understanding we need so we could know God’s love and plan for us. These sacraments aren’t useless noise but practical and important ways for us to become holy and close to God.”
David followed Tom up the center aisle. “All right, I’ll ask the plant question for the class. What actually is a sacrament? You mention the term like it’s something essential like I would use the term ‘selling value’ in my sales training. What the heck is a sacrament?”
Tom slipped David a dollar bill from his pocket. “Good question!” Tom stopped beside the Baptismal
font. “Think of sacraments this way. We are both physical and spiritual beings. Instead of just talking in flowery intellectual words, as I might tend to do, Jesus used stories, and He also used very physical things such as water, bread, wine, fish, and even mud to make His points, perform miracles, and to leave us with sacraments. Sacraments are visible signs from Jesus which give us spiritual grace and help us when it comes to God’s love and plans for us. Some are more of an initiation into the faith like Baptism, Confirmation, and Eucharist; some are for healing such as Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick; and some are for service and mission, such as Matrimony and Holy Orders. Each one came from Jesus Himself and was carried on by the apostles from the early Church to the present.”
Tom cupped his hand in the water of the Baptismal font. “What sacrament uses water as a sign?”
David laughed. “Do I get to phone a friend?”
“Nope, because I know that you know this one.”
“Okay, Baptism. It washes the stain of sin from a baby who couldn’t have committed any sins. How practical is that?”
“You’re correct that this newborn couldn’t commit sin, so why does it need Baptism to wash away sin? When a baby is born to a mother who is addicted to drugs, does that have an effect on the baby?”
“Sure.”
“Was it because of anything the baby did or the result of the condition they were born into?”
“From their parents. Okay, I get the analogy, but what does Baptism really do for the baby?”
“Did you notice that the Baptismal font is located here at the back, or entrance of the church?”
David noticed the font and the surroundings. “Sure. I thought maybe there wasn’t enough room in the front?”
Tom smiled at David’s subtle sarcasm. “Baptism is like the door to the spiritual life of God. Jesus said, ‘No one can enter the kingdom of heaven without being born of water and spirit.’ While Jesus didn’t need to be baptized, he went to the river where John the Baptist was baptizing people repenting and confessing their sins in order to come back to God. When he saw his cousin, Jesus, coming to be baptized, he balked but did what Jesus asked; a voice from heaven was heard saying, ‘This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.’”
David was working to listen and connect this to himself. Tom said, “David, Baptism is the grace that brings us into sharing the divine life. While we are called to be morally good people, this is an unearned gift through God’s love to be beloved adopted sons and daughters of God with whom He is well pleased. It’s not something we do or earn in Baptism, but rather God breaking into our lives and fundamentally changing us as we are born again or born from above. Remember Jesus saying that what is born of the flesh is flesh and what is born of Spirit is spirit? This isn’t saying flesh or nature is bad, but that grace builds on nature to bring flesh and spirit together, like Christ himself. It takes the ordinary and allows it to participate in the divine. When we are blessed in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, we are marked as adopted sons and daughters of God, as we’re made in their image.”
David looked into the waters of the font. “Yes. Are you saying it’s not that we are bad and need to be cleaned to be good enough, but that we are made good and baptism brings us into God’s family in a spiritual way?”
“I think you’re getting it. We need to be born again in washing away the sins of our fallen nature, but you’re right that we are now officially in the family.” Tom pointed up at the Rose window. “Do you remember when we talked about the problems of putting power, wealth, sex, success, or anything material at the center of our lives?”
David’s face dropped a bit as he begrudgingly said, “Yeees.”
“What if I told you none of those things were considered bad?”
David leaned forward, confused. “Come again?”
“Sexual expression of love and your oneness with your wife isn’t bad but good and beautiful because it’s part of God’s design and intent and done for His glory. Power and wealth can be good things if used not for self-serving reasons or as an end in themselves but for good and for God’s plan. God wants us to know the joy of an abundant life, but we can only really experience this when we give of ourselves by loving as God would love. Baptism brings us into that divine life with meaning and purpose. I think if you want something with a return like that, it’s a pretty practical pool to jump into.”
Tom blessed himself with the holy water from the font and then made a Sign of the Cross on David’s head with his wet thumb. “I think that’s enough for tonight. Any questions will have to wait for a burger at Dempsey’s.”
David clasped his own throat. “Thirsty!”
They both laughed, and Tom genuflected towards the front of the church before they left.
“So,” Tom said once they were outside and walking towards Dempsey’s, “now can you see why the font is at the entrance as you come into church with a reminder of your Baptism?”
“I’m getting the idea that everything in Church is intentional and has a meaning I didn’t understand before.”
“Kind of like when that new sales rep finally starts to get what you’re trying to have him see or one of the boys on the basketball team?”
“Kind of.”
“And, whether you knew it or not, because you are baptized, you are on the team.”
David nodded.
Tom grinned. “And I know how much you hate sitting on the bench.”
Chapter 47
On Friday, David woke up feeling a little nervous in anticipation of his talk with Tom that evening. The day at work was busy, and coaching the game right afterward made it a little easier not to think too much about it, but as he walked into the rectory, the underlying panic started to creep into him, with nervous tension in his chest and the jim-jams in his stomach. Tom had gone to the kitchen to get something for them to drink while David sat in Tom’s office. On Tom’s desk was a small block of wood with a saying that read: What is the first business of philosophy? To part with self-conceit.… It is impossible for anyone to begin to learn what he thinks he already knows. − Epictetus (c. 100 A.D.) When David spun the block around there was a saying on the other side: The greatest trap in life is self-rejection. Henri Nouwen.
Tom came into the office probably feeling almost as nervous as David. David figured that balancing friendship and his responsibilities as a therapist was a difficult task. The risk a patient had to take in being really honest can feel terrifying, embarrassing, and even shameful at first. Leaning into fear is much easier to talk about than to actually do, but Tom had told him that a lifetime of avoiding fears was a hundred times harder than actually facing them.
“Tough game tonight, but I see a lot of progress with some kids. Why don’t we sit over here?” Tom motioned to the upholstered wing chairs by the bookcase.
David glanced at all the books on psychology, philosophy, and faith. There were also biographies and books by people who had faced steeper challenges than he had. He cleared his throat. “So how does this go, doc?”
Chuckling, Tom said, “You might be able to tell me. What are some things that you think you might want to be different?”
“I don’t know if I need anything to be different. I’m just trying my best to make people in my life happy and do a better job of being honest with myself.”
Tom nodded. “Okay, remember you only have to share what you are willing to. I may push you a bit at times but you’re still in charge of the direction you take and the waves you dive into.”
“Waves?”
“Do you remember when you were at the beach as a kid and a large wave rose up? You tried to outrun it, but it was always faster than you. Sometimes emotions are scary, and we spend our lives running from them versus diving through them to the other side. Leaning into uncomfortable feelings can be difficult, and we naturally resist. We need to figure out what those fears are and what the perceived truths and thoughts are that drive them. We can only do th
at by confronting them.”
David said, “So, you are saying I’m not going to like this, and I’m going to want to leave or possibly take it out on you?”
“Maybe.”
David sat quietly for a moment. “I thought the patient just tells you his troubles and you listen sympathetically so that he feels better knowing someone finally cares and understands them?”
“Empathetic listening is an important part of the process. The person needs to feel understood and that they can trust the therapist, but that, in itself, isn’t really therapy. Think of someone who has been coming every week for years to talk with a counselor. They feel listened to, but they remain depressed or anxious or any number of things. At some point, they may actually feel worse, as if their situation is hopeless. That’s why more is needed than just empathetic listening and understanding. Unfortunately, most therapists out there may be doing more harm than good for their patients by fostering the philosophies that led to the feelings of emptiness and self-rejection in the first place.
“I’m sure you won’t be surprised if I tell you that our sense of self-worth can’t ultimately come from anything or even anyone one except the One Who made us. There’s something inside of us that desires to know we are valuable and loveable for our true selves and not our manufactured self, nor our accomplishments, our wealth or power, our popularity or approval from others. None of those last or fill the emptiness we feel by chasing them. Many of today’s therapists have bought into the self-bounded individualism where we ourselves determine what is true and right based on how we feel. I wanted you to know I could only offer you what I believe to be true and what has really worked for people. You’re still in charge of what decisions you make, though.”
David took a deep breath, absorbing what Tom was saying. “I’m good with that, plus I could tell if you weren’t being genuine. I heard some very positive things from people in the Newton office about how Jillian has been doing, so I trust that you know what you are doing. What do you want to know first?”
