by Jim Sano
Tom grinned. “Thanks. I also have to trust you’ll tell me when you feel as if I’m getting out of line. Okay? Let’s start with the things you think have the greatest impact on you and your relationships.”
David said, “Like what?”
Tom handed David a notebook and pen. “Just spend a little time with it and write down things you do or feel that may be something you might like to free yourself from, change or even just understand.”
David sat for quite a while letting different thoughts flow through his mind and some ideas came to mind that wouldn’t leave. Now, David had to decide if he actually wanted to write them down.
Eventually, Tom spoke. “David, that is your notebook. Nothing you write in there ever has to be seen by me or anyone else, so even if you write something down, it doesn’t mean we need to talk about it then or ever.”
That freed David to start writing what came to mind. On the first page he wrote:
TRUST
FATHER - MOTHER
ALONE
And then he stopped and closed the notebook, looked up at the ceiling and then closed his eyes as he breathed in deeply.
Tom didn’t say anything, probably to allow David time to sit with his thoughts for as long as he needed. Finally, David opened his eyes and collected himself with another deep breath. “Okay. What happens next?”
“That depends on how comfortable you feel sharing anything that came up.”
“I don’t know if I feel comfortable yet.”
“That’s okay. Let’s do this. Can you take the notebook and draw a line down the middle of the page for each of the things you wrote and write down the benefits and costs of feeling the way you do?”
“Do you want me to do this now?”
Tom answered, “Only if you want or you can do it at home.”
David said, “Let me try the first one,” and he started to write down the benefits and costs for the fact that he had a hard time trusting anyone.
Benefits Costs
Protection from pain Absence of close relationships
Avoid abandonment Being alone
Avoid fear No intimacy or love
Loss of family Hurt Jillian
Abandoning Kat, Amy, James
No close friendships
David felt as if he could keep going in the Costs column but kept coming up with blanks for the Benefits column even though the items he wrote were no small things to him over the years. David wasn’t ready to share these thoughts with Tom, at least not now. He closed the notebook. “I think I’ve written what I can for tonight.”
“Great. It’s not always easy but can be very insightful. Did you want to talk about anything you wrote down or anything else that comes to mind?”
David shook his head. “Not tonight. I need to think about things for a bit and see where I want to go.”
Without any sign of disappointment in his tone, Tom said, “That’s perfectly fine. You just let me know when and how you would like to proceed.”
“I appreciate that. I think I’ll head home if you don’t mind.”
“I’ll always honor what is best for you, David. I’ll be praying for you.”
David thanked him and carried his notebook home, thinking of all the things he had traded in to live a life free from fear of abandonment. Had the costs of not trusting been too high, not only to himself but to everyone else in his life?
When he arrived home, he squatted down and rubbed his hands through Trooper’s fur and looked him in the eyes to let him know how much he appreciated his companionship.
When David got up to get something for Trooper and himself to eat, he noticed the message light blinking on his phone. He half listened to the messages as he was preparing supper until he heard Dr. Finn’s voice.
“Mr. Fidele, I’ve tried to call a few times today to let you know we will be operating on your father later today to remove a tumor we located next to your father’s spine. We’re hoping this will help to alleviate the pain he’s been experiencing the past few weeks. Please give me a call before six p.m. today or tomorrow after nine a.m., and I can update you on his status. My number is 804-555-0513. I look forward to talking with you.”
Not knowing how the surgery went, David felt a sense of panic in his chest. He needed his father to be healthy, to be alive. To be honest, he needed his father to know his son was someone he could be proud of before he died. He had a lot to do to get to that point before he lost his chance.
He couldn’t wait until the morning. He called the hospital surgical unit, but the doctor wasn’t available, and they couldn’t give him much information but did let him know his father was doing okay. He stayed up late and nodded off occasionally, slipping into disturbing dreams chasing his father and not being able to catch him and then having his father chase him as he ran faster and faster away from him until he woke himself.
In the morning, David took a long run and still had to wait for a half-hour, which seemed to last an eternity, before he could call the doctor back. Finally, he reached him, and Dr. Finn told David the operation had gone well, and Gianni was already feeling relief. He also said that he wouldn’t be ready for a visit for a few more weeks but assured him Gianni would be well cared for.
David spent a lot of that Saturday thinking about the short list he had written down: TRUST, FATHER-MOTHER, ALONE. He wasn’t sure why he had written ‘mother’ or the word ‘alone’ down on the list. He wasn’t uncomfortable spending time alone. As a matter a fact, he kept his distance intentionally, so he’d never be too close to another individual. There must’ve been a reason for including each item on his list, but he couldn’t figure out why only the predictable and enjoyable life he had been living just five short months ago seemed to have been turned on its head. He needed to get things sorted out, and soon. It struck him that this was the first time he wasn’t able to handle something on his own.
Chapter 48
By Wednesday, David was feeling ambivalent about going to the boys’ practice and his “religion class,” but the thought of seeing his father in a few weeks compelled him to go.
Practices were running smoother. Several of the boys were beginning to take on leadership roles, making sure everyone was giving each drill his full attention and effort until it became second nature, not only individually, but also as a team. After practice, Tom asked David if he was up for class because David “would never forgive himself if he missed this one!” David didn’t know what Tom meant but followed him over to the church, where once inside, Tom led him over to the confessional box. David wasn’t sure what was up, but he opened the door next to the one Tom had just slipped into. Inside was a seat, a kneeler, and some small pamphlets on the Sacrament of Reconciliation. There was a screen in front of him and he could hear Tom slide over the wooden screen on the other side of the partition. David still couldn’t see Tom, but now they could hear each other. Tom said, “Aren’t you glad you came tonight?”
“You aren’t supposed to know who I am, are you?”
“Normally, people like to sit face-to-face for this sacrament, but some feel freer to talk about difficult things with privacy. This may not be something that hits you immediately, but the Sacrament of Reconciliation may be one of the most beautiful and unique things about Catholicism.”
David was silent as Tom continued, “One of the most extraordinary things about God’s love is that it’s unconditional and abundant in mercy, which is really good because we need it. Jesus knows we will fall, and that we will sin, every one of us, time and time again. In the Sacrament of Reconciliation, we receive the grace, strength, and clarity of sight to see ourselves honestly and humbly. We always have the opportunity to reconcile our hearts and lives with God. Does that make sense?”
David said, “Sort of, but why do we have to confess to a priest? Why not just directly to God?”
“One thing Jesus knew was what we needed. Humans tend to be a bit weak when it comes to an honest and regular examination of conscience,
truly repenting for our sins, and knowing we are totally forgiven. He knew our need to confess our sins out loud, to have guidance and to hear those words of forgiveness. That’s why one of the gifts and authority He gave His apostles was to forgive sins. He didn’t give them the authority to judge individuals, but to look at our actions and to administer the grace of this sacrament.”
David said, “When did He do that?”
“If you read the Gospel of John, Jesus said to the apostles, ‘Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so, I send you.’ And when he said this, he breathed on them, and said to them, ‘Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.’ Tom was silent for a minute to let that sink in then said, “Unless you want to make any confession tonight, we can step out of the box.”
David quickly stepped out of the intimate quarters once Tom did the same. Tom said, “Remember when we talked about the Prodigal Son, and the father came running to his son with love and mercy? That is what reconciliation is about. Most people think God is the one who is changing in this process and He’ll be willing to forgive us if we can prove we deserve it, but God never withholds His love or mercy. God initiates and offers forgiveness; we just need to believe that healing gift is there to receive it and be truly sorry for our sins.
“Many people hold onto a child’s immature view of sin, thinking they did something bad or they are bad and need to be punished for God to love them again. Sin is anything that turns us inward on ourselves and away from God. It puts up a barrier that clouds our vision and understanding of truth, of God, and of ourselves. God gives us His laws, not to set us up to fail, but because He knows what will bring us true joy and happiness. He knows self-focused desire turns our hearts away from Him, believing we know better than God what is good for us. If God wasn’t loving and merciful, He wouldn’t have sacrificed His only Son to take on the sins of the world in forgiveness.”
David reflected about that for a moment. “I still don’t get why Jesus had to die so brutally just to satisfy God’s anger and disappointment in our sinning.”
“Think about your son. You know that being honest, responsible, and caring isn’t only the right thing to do but will also make him much happier than being the opposite. Would your rules and teaching be out of love? Or would they be traps you set for him to fail?”
“It would be for him and not me.”
“What if you found him lying, skipping school, and stealing things he wanted from the neighbors? Would you just fix it for him and move on?”
“Of course not! If I did that, I wouldn’t be doing the best thing for him.”
“What would you do?”
David thought for a second. “I would give him some consequences, make him apologize, and return what he stole. I would teach him to understand why I was concerned and why it’s important to do the right thing.”
“Well,” Tom said, “God loves us even more. It’s true our sins against God deserve justice that we could never repay on our own. Since Jesus was both human and divine, He could make the ultimate sacrifice for our sins by giving His own human life in love for us and showing us the way by trusting and honoring His Father’s will. When we’re baptized, our sins are washed away, and we are invited into God’s life, but we’re not made perfect. As human beings, with God’s grace, we can join His body in the Church, and participate in our salvation with our free will to sin or not, to repent or not. If God didn’t give us free will, He wouldn’t be respecting our true dignity in a loving relationship, and He wouldn’t be showing us real love just as you wouldn’t be for James if you just ‘took care’ of it for him without any personal responsibility on his part. Your son couldn’t do it without you any more than we can do it without God’s grace and guidance.”
David sat in one of the pews. “Jesus died for the sins of everyone living then and before Him, but how does that help us?”
“I like questions, and that is a good one. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit live outside of time, unlike us. Jesus’ sacrifice for us was for all people and all sins throughout all time, and that includes you and me.”
David glanced up at the crucifix above the altar. “Are you saying my sins now were responsible for putting Him on that cross, suffering and dying a death like that?”
Tom looked up with David and replied softly as his eyes welled up. “And mine too, David. And mine too. I think about that so many times, especially during Lent. When Jesus, the innocent man, stood next to Barabbas, the criminal, He took His place on the cross, just as He gives His life for us.”
“Then why would God ever love us?”
“God is love, so He can only give love. He wants our lives filled with joy, love, and peace and to live life abundantly. God is always ready to run down the road to greet us, put a robe around us, and have a feast in celebration when we turn back towards Him. He never turns His back on us. Sin kills the wonderful person He created, and in our turning back to Him, we are no longer dead but alive again—even if it takes us till our last breath of life on this earth to get it.”
David sat quietly taking in the church’s soft and peaceful lights and all the saints surrounding him and cheering him on. Finally, he pointed to the crucifix. “Do you really believe making a confession of all my sins is important to Him?”
“I do. And it’s just as important that we are willing to forgive others.”
David’s mouth fell open. “Forgive who?”
“Anyone who sins against us.”
David tilted his head, confused. “No matter what?”
“No matter what. Do you know the Our Father?”
“I think I know some of it.”
“Jesus actually told us that this is how we should pray to the Father, and it’s quite extraordinary. ‘Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.’ What stands out to you?”
“I don’t know. What should stand out?”
“Lots of things, but three always strike me. The first is Jesus using the word ‘our’ at the beginning. He is telling us we are His brothers and sisters and God is ‘our’ loving father.”
David said, “That’s interesting. What’s the second thing?”
“’Thy will be done.’ Jesus said this in His agony in the garden, the night before He would die on the cross and modeled this for us His entire life. Mary showed us this so perfectly in trusting God’s will over her own fears and desires when she said ‘Yes’. I think about that line every time I say the prayer and that is as often as I can.”
“I’ll have to work on that one. Not understanding it but trying to actually do it. And the third?”
“The third one is really important as well, and we should be careful about what we ask for. ‘Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.’ Think about that. If we don’t forgive others completely, we are asking God to not forgive us completely.” David’s eyes widened with surprise, and his mind flashed back to all the people he hadn’t forgiven over the years.
David squinted. “Don’t worry, David. God doesn’t drop us off on earth and say, ‘Life is hard. Good luck. Hope to see you in heaven!’”
David laughed, but it was partially a nervous laugh. Tom said, “Really. Don’t worry, David. You have a lot of people rooting for you, including the Big Guy.” Tom leaned over and whispered, “I heard He likes you.”
David smiled. “Oh, okay. I will try to put in a good word for you then.”
“I’d appreciate that,” Tom laughed, “and maybe a cold one if you’re up for it?”
“Do you take the rest of the candidates out for a beer?”
“No, and I was hoping you were taking me out tonight.”
David said, “Only if I can get a ‘get out of jail c
ard’ from you and the Big Guy. I don’t think anyone would want to spend that much time in the confessional with me. There must be a Fast Pass or something.”
Tom laughed again as he closed the church door. “I think He likes the old-fashioned way, low-tech humbleness and straightforward honesty.” As they walked and chatted on this chilly night, David was glad Tom didn’t mention anything from last Friday night. Tom didn’t bring anything up at Dempsey’s either, and David appreciated the respect Tom was showing him.
Chapter 49
After a solid basketball win by the boys’ team on Friday night, David left Tom to bag up the basketballs and slipped away without him noticing. Tom understood that David may not be ready to open up after last week’s session.
When Tom entered the rectory, David was sitting in the winged chair by his desk.
Tom jerked at the sight of him. “Oh! I thought you left.”
“And miss another night of fun and excitement? Are you kidding me?”
Tom took a seat. David’s notebook was on his lap. “Have you had any updates on your dad?”
“Not since I spoke to the doctor on Saturday. They think it will be a few weeks of recovery before I can go back down to see him. Thanks for asking.”
“I hope the surgery helps, and he does well. How do you feel about seeing him when he is doing better?”
“I just want him to get better.”
“But how do you feel about seeing him?”
“I’m looking forward to seeing him. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Do you have any other feelings floating around?”
“What are you getting at? Sure, I’m excited and a little nervous as well.”
“Okay. Why do you feel nervous about seeing him?”
David moved in his chair. “I don’t know. It’s hard to get to know someone you haven’t seen for thirty years through half-inch thick glass on a phone line. It’s awkward and I don’t know how he’ll be after his surgery.”
