Clutch

by JA Huss

  "I didn't want to interrupt you," Tier says.

  "I bet. Did you get a good enough look or should I strip for you again?"

  "I've seen it all several times now, Junco. But if you want to strip again, I certainly won't stop you." It might have been a joke under other circumstances, but the way it comes out makes it feel – a little sad.

  I turn away and walk towards the tack room so he can't see the confusion creeping across my face. I flip the light on and search for some tape, then hop up on the counter and begin to wrap the balls of my feet. "So, what do you want?"

  "Well," he says as he fiddles with a bridle hanging from the rack on the wall, "I have some news."

  My right foot is finished and I start working on the left one. "And?" He continues to fiddle. "Tier, I'm tired of the games, all right? If you have something to say, then just spit it out." I finish the left foot and hop down. "And to be quite honest I'm just about ready to pretend none of this ever happened." I step into the rosin box and shuffle my feet around, taking care to coat the tape. "Because none of it makes any sense. I don't even know if you're telling the truth about my father, although why you'd want to lie to me about that, I don't understand. But right now I don't understand anything. It's been a very long fucked-up day and I just want to relax."

  I flip the light off and head back out to the arena. Darby is still walking but when I click my tongue, she begins to trot. I slide under the pipe gate and walk onto the thick loamy dirt and position myself in the center of the arena before clicking for her to tighten up into a regulation circle. Tier takes a seat on the small wooden bleachers on the long side of the arena and I run alongside Darby, grab her mane, and swing up onto her back with little effort.

  "You gonna be a spectator tonight, Tier? Or you gonna talk?"

  "It can wait," he calls.

  I tap at her girth with my toe and she eases into a controlled lope. She's so easy to ride, so smooth and natural that I automatically relax with her and the rhythm fills my core and drops to my seat as I sink into it. I let the tension drain away and then pop up to a stand and watch as Tier does the same. "You've never spied on me in here, or what?"

  My back is to him, but when I come around the perimeter, he's in the arena with me, standing in the center pivoting as I circle.

  "It makes me very nervous to watch."

  I smile and flip backwards in the air, landing onto the sweet spot in the bow of Darby's back. Tier's face is contorted into a look of shock and I laugh and do it again.

  "I always thought they made ya do this. I never knew you actually liked it."

  I click and bend my knees so I can absorb the increased pace as Darby extends her canter to a gallop, then do a double, this time landing on one foot. "This is heaven." I drop back down onto her back and touch her with my toe twice and she collects. We make several revolutions and I feel my shoulders and neck loosen up. "Have you ever ridden a horse, Tier?" My breath is heavy now and the wind we make hisses loudly in my ears so I don't hear his answer. I tap and Darby changes gears like the professional she is, slows, slows, slows. And we are walking again. I make subtle squeezes with my lower leg and take her over to Tier, breathing hard. "Get on."

  His mouth pulls a little at one corner before looking up to me. "No. I don't think it's a good idea."

  "Why not?"

  "A few hours ago you were running away from me as fast as you could, now yer suddenly OK with everything?"

  "No," I say quickly, "I'm not OK with anything. It's time to forget. Now get your ass over here and jump on the fucking horse."

  He doesn't smile with his mouth, but I can see it in his eyes.

  And then he is behind me. Even Darby is surprised because she stretches her long neck around to see what's going on. I touch her belly with my toe and we walk out of the barn and into the night.

  Tier's hands slip around my waist as he pulls me back a little into his jacket. I lean into his warmth because the night air is cold. We walk and I point out things in the back paddocks, name the horses that didn't wander into their stalls to sleep, and then direct Darby up a path into the woods. After several minutes of climbing we leave the woods and enter a meadow dominated by a large red sandstone outcrop.

  "I've seen ya up here lots of times." Tier says.

  I jump off Darby and climb the rock that reaches out towards the mountains to the west, my taped feet finding each foothold without much effort. This has been my thinking spot since I was a kid.

  Tier flies up and lands next to me.

  "You had something to tell me?" I ask as I turn to look at him.

  He just shrugs.

  "Maybe I should start, then?" I hug myself to ward off the shaking that comes with the cold now that I'm not next to him.

  He takes off his jacket and drapes it over my shoulders, then walks back to the opposite end of the rock and takes a seat, leaning back against another rock that runs perpendicular to the one we're standing on. I slip my arms into the jacket and pull it tight around me as much as I can with the cuts he made to accommodate his wings. I follow him over, but I don't sit. I just stand there, legs apart, arms hugging my body. There is no good way to have this conversation.

  "So how many of the other Seven do you have, besides Moju?"

  His eyes narrow as he stares up at me. "We don't have Moju, Junco. No one has Moju. Even when he is in custody, he is wild. But we do have another girl back in the Band, where our habitats orbit."

  "So you didn't think this information was relevant to me?"

  He doesn't even blink. "We've had her for years. She grew up in the Eastern Utopia and she came along no problem. And ya know why, Junco? Ya know why she came along so easily?" He pauses to see if I'll take a stab at it, but I stay silent. "Because no one fed her a constant dinner of lies her entire life and when we came to get her she didn't have to take a few weeks to figure out who she was. She wanted to get the hell out of that place. Fucking Communists are all crazy, even her dumb ass knew that."

  I don't grab the bait. "And she's one of the Six, the avian children of light? Not me, though." I know I've caught him off guard this time because he looks away. "I'm the Seventh castaway in flight. The one who brings the end."

  He shakes his head. "It can be fixed." I open my mouth to say something nasty, but he interrupts. "Do you understand what I mean?"

  I shake my head. "No, Tier. I have no idea what you mean."

  "Why am I not surprised?" He holds up a small silver cube and rolls it back and forth between his fingertips. I know what it is without asking. His smile leaks out slowly but once it's out, it's bright.

  "How do you know it's the right one? He could've given you anything."

  His smile disappears. "Ya think I'm an amateur, Junco? Shit. Let me tell ya a little about what I do–" He stops and takes a deep breath and then continues. "Never mind. I took everything he had. And I've checked each and every one. This one," he rolls it around again and I see a glint of starshine reflecting off the sides, "is all you. I have your complete genome, biomarkers, DNA aggregates, hypo-adrenal biog, personality adjustments, and programmed muscle memory."

  I just stare at him. I don't really know what I'd expected to be on the data cubes he took from Dale, but it certainly wasn't my personal human augmentation profile. "What the hell are you talking about?"

  He gets up and walks towards me, then past me out to the tip of the monolith where he stops. "Christ, I'm so fucking tired of having these clueless conversations with ya."

  I stay where I am but I am pissed. "Really?" The word seethes out of me. "Then why don't you just tell me the rest of it then? And not some half-ass fairy tale either."

  He turns around and shakes his head. "It's not mine to tell, Junco. It's yours. I have very little to do with any of this" – he extends his hands out to either side in a wide sweeping gesture – "bullshit you're going through right now. Ya want the truth of what I'm doing here? I'm Perseus, Junco. I'm the only thing standing between you and death. Or you an
d slavery. Take yer pick."

  I just stare at him.

  "Ya know why I was sent to kill ya? Because I fucked up and this job was supposed to be my way out of some very bad shit. So let this sink in real deep before you go making demands or accusing me of being less than helpful with your personal dilemmas. I have disobeyed orders for you, Junco."

  "Well, congrat-u-fucking-lations. Should I pat you on the back now because you found your spine? Maybe I should just kill you instead?"

  "Well, at least ya'd be doing what comes natural, then, right?"

  "Says the lion to the wolf."

  He doesn't respond. Instead he sits down on the ledge and swings his feet off the overhang, staring out towards the mountains which have a tinge of orangey-pink reflected from the approaching sunrise behind us.

  I stand there for a while watching his back. Thinking. "You don't want to be the messenger, fine. Whatever. I'll see you later then." I turn to climb back down the rock and then he speaks.

  "I'm leaving tomorrow night." He looks east at the approaching dawn and amends his statement. "Tonight, I mean."

  "Is that why the ships are all over my house?"

  He screws up his face. "If there were avian ships here, Junco, we'd already be on our way back to the Band. We don't fuck about with ships in the atmosphere unless we're doing something."

  "But my HOUSE says you have ships."

  "Your HOUSE is wrong."

  "She's an AI, Tier."

  "Then she's corrupted."

  I let that sink in for several silent minutes.

  "Anyway, time's up, Junco. If you want a good piece of advice I'll give it ta ya, no charge."

  "What's that, then?" I say, turning.

  He gets up and walks over towards me. Looking up at him I can see that he's sincere.

  "Run. If yer gonna stay here for the rest of what will be a very short life, Junco, my best advice is to run like hell. You've got everyone pretty fucking confused with this memory loss bullshit, you might as well take advantage of it."

  A small half-hearted laugh escapes my lips. "I don't lose memories, Tier. It's impossible. I have perfect recall."

  Now it's his turn to laugh. "Is that right? Shit, Junco, you've forgotten more things in the last few months than most people will in a lifetime. So cut the bullshit and face the facts."

  I look away from his accusations before I speak. "You don't even have the facts, Tier. So do not lecture me. I don't lose memories. I just – push them down. So I can keep on living with myself, with what I do, and what I am." I lift my eyes and turn to look at him sideways as my voice hardens. "If I don't recall them at times, it's because I have a damn good reason. And I'm not running anywhere. I'm tired of running."

  He stares down at me with sadness and I feel my temper rise.

  "Keep your pity, OK? I'm not sorry for any of it, so don't fool yourself."

  It's his turn to laugh. "Ah. OK, then. How about this? I won't fool myself if you don't. I mean, yeah, I can see it now. Yer little memory tricks work great, right? That's why yer barely able to sleep without dreaming some horrific nightmare time after time. Take my advice and listen to the inner whispers, Junco. They're speakin' ta ya."

  I let out a half-hearted grunt. "I don't think you really want me to do that, Tier."

  "And why's that, darlin'?"

  "Because the voices in my head only ever tell me to do one thing, and that's kill people. In very interesting ways."

  He laughs. "Shit, Junco, you were right about one thing. Yer certainly no Andromeda."

  I look up at him now, but there is no smile on my face. "And you're no Perseus, either."

  His smile fades and then he is serious. "Junco, if it's a hero ya want, just say the word. Come with me and it all goes away."

  "And then what? They'll kill me and you know it."

  "No, Junco." He holds the cube up between his fingers again. "The answers are all in here. If it can be written, it can be rewritten. That's what we do. We don't have babies, remember? We make them. Just like someone made you."

  I hesitate and he turns away from me again.

  "Don't make me force ya, Junco. I don't want to force ya." He stops and turns back to gauge my reaction to his words, but keeps silent.

  "Then tell me what you know about the dock. Tell me."

  He shakes his head and whispers some curse words under his breath. "This part, Junco, is all you. I have nothing ta do with any of that. Nothing." He turns and starts walking away.

  I close the few paces between us and grab his arm. "Wait. Do you know what it is? Where it is?"

  He lets out a little noise that might be a half-hearted attempt at a laugh, but devolves into a sigh. "Don't make me tell ya this shit, Junco. I told ya the first part and that was bad enough. You already know all this." He taps my head gently. "It's already up there, remember?"

  I stare up at him and he averts his eyes. "Maybe it is. But I can't count on myself to bring it back in time, Tier. Time's up, right? Time's up." I pull on him like a small child until he looks at me, but then he just closes his eyes. "Please." He shakes his head, but I claw at his clothes and beg, "Please. I'll do whatever you say if you just make that part fit back together."

  "You said that last time, remember?" He looks down at me now, nothing but sadness written on his face. His fingers play with something in his pocket and it makes a small clinking sound. He pulls out his hand and opens his palm, revealing several dozen tiny cubes like the one he was twirling in his fingers earlier. He picks through them, sorts them, puts some back in his pocket and then there are only four left. Four tiny little silver cubes.

  I look up at him and take a deep breath. "What are they?"

  "One is yer profile." He points to it. "One is Charlie's profile." He points to another but my head spins and he grabs me before I can fall down.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Charlie.

  "... the planks on the deck are warm under your feet and you're wearing a long thin white shirt, open in the front, that barely covers your body. The waves lap against the dock and you reach over and drag your fingers through the water. It folds against your wrist and slaps up the side of your arm. The drops bead against your oiled skin, pool together, then spring forth into a trickle which takes the liquid back to the source. The mountains are high and cast just the right amount of shadow to protect the nesting colony of eagles against the heat of the summer."

  "Are you sure this will work?"

  "Picture yourself standing on the edge of a dock, Junco. In front of you is a mountain lake and behind you is a small cabin, pristine white curtains flowing in the breeze passing through the windows. Down below the water you can see the scales of brightly colored fish reflecting the sunlight..."

  He stops.

  "It works, Junco. Just picture yourself standing on the edge of a dock. It's not a big deal, this is kid stuff."

  "Kid stuff where you come from, maybe." But I'm teasing and he knows it. "Why can't we just stay here in the real world, Charlie?"

  "Silly, Junco." His voice on the coms sounds farther away than he really is. "You know why."

  I know why.

  "So, just put those little buds in your ears, they're marked so you know which one goes where..."

  "I see it. OK, they're in."

  "... And listen to my voice. When you get there, just enjoy it until I come in with you. If you ever want to leave you just say OFF, and you'll be back in your room. OK?"

  I nod, but then remember we're on coms. "Yeah. I got it."

  "Picture yourself standing on the edge of a dock, Junco. In front of you is a mountain lake and behind you is a small cabin, pristine white curtains flowing in the breeze passing through the windows. Down below the water you can see the scales of brightly colored fish reflecting the sunlight..."

  The sun is so warm I close my eyes and stare at it, letting the bright orange seep through my eyelids. Charlie comes up next to me and takes my hand.

  "I told you it was
fabulous."

  I open my eyes and look at him. He's tall and muscular, with golden skin that reflects light off the tiny hairs on his arms. "I can't believe you made this!"

  "Where do you think it is, Junco?"

  I look down at the green-blue water and then behind me towards the cabin. It's not my cabin, but it's close. I smile at him. "Good times in there, right?"

  He laughs. "Now he can't accuse you of seeing me. Technically we're not together. So you don't have to worry about disobeying his order and you don't have to lie."

  I feel a little sick at the thought and I take a deep breath, but nothing happens. Oh, yeah, I'm in a virtual. Projections don't breathe. For a minute I have a little panic attack, but Charlie's hand takes mine and leads me back to the cabin. Inside all the walls are whitewashed, unlike the dark wood of our hunting cabin. The floors are painted a light blue, and the furniture is all white. He leads me over to the couch and plops down, then draws me into his lap and plays with my hair.

  "You like it?"

  I nod.

  "What's wrong then?"

  "I have to tell you something, Charlie. I have to tell you–"

  But he's gone. Just blipped out of the scene.

  "EXIT," I say.

  Nothing.

  "EXIT!"

  Nothing.

  "EXIT! EXIT! OFF!"

  I'm back in a room and someone is banging on the door. I run up a ladder and fly across the room to open it. A hand reaches out and slaps me across the face. I fall to the ground and my father looms over me. "I'm very angry with you, Junco. Bring her to my office."

  The soldier reaches down and picks me up after he leaves. "What were you doing?"

  "It's a virtual reality." Tier shakes me. "Junco, it's just a virtual."

  I swim back up from the vision in my head and open my eyes. "We made a virtual."

  He smiles, then nods. "Not all that common for a couple of RR kids, right?"

  "He was MR. From Peak City."

  Tier nods.

  "We were in love."

  He nods again. I look up at him but he points down to his open palm, at the two remaining cubes.