Finding Faith

by Denise Hunter

  Paula leaned down to embrace the shorter woman who was wearing what David called “a granny dress.” “Hi, Mrs. Feldner. It’s so nice to see you.

  “Honey, your mom has been talking about that story you broke in the big city. I watched it on the morning news and just had to come over and tell you congratulations.” She tucked a strand of gray hair behind her ear and patted Paula on the shoulder.

  Paula was surprised her mom told anyone about the story since she so obviously disapproved of Paula’s leaving Jackson Hole. “Thank you. It’s been a very exciting experience.”

  “I’m sure it has. Me and Mr. Feldner used to live in Los Angeles, you know.”

  “No, I didn’t know.”

  “Yes, well, you get tired of the excitement after a while. At least we did.”

  Paula looked around for David and saw him across the foyer talking to Hanna and Micah. “Will you excuse me, Mrs. Feldner?”

  When she approached David, he caught her off guard by taking her hand.

  Hanna slipped an arm around Paula. “I was telling David you guys are welcome to come out to the lodge and bring in the New Year with us. We’re putting on a movie night for our guests who want a quiet night. Of course, we’ll tune in to watch the ball drop on TV when it gets close to midnight New York time.”

  Paula supposed it beat staying home. “Sure, that’d be—”

  “Actually, we have other plans.” David squeezed her hand.

  She looked at her husband. He hadn’t mentioned anything to her. In fact, she had specifically asked what they were going to do, and he’d seemed fresh out of ideas.

  “I haven’t told Paula about them yet,” David said.

  Paula had no idea what he was talking about, but they could talk about that later. “Oh, OK. Thanks for inviting us, though,” she told Hanna and Micah.

  When they got in the car, Paula slid off her gloves and laid them in her lap. David was gone a lot the day before, so they hadn’t spent much time together since she came home. However, it was a three-day weekend, so there was still time. When she was flying home, she had worried he’d slip right back into his detached behavior . . . as if their intimate encounter the previous weekend had never happened. But that didn’t happen.

  “So, husband,” she said flirtatiously. “What are these sudden plans we have for tonight?”

  He pushed his glasses up on his nose but didn’t meet her gaze as he pulled out of the church parking lot. “I thought you liked surprises.”

  This was sounding better and better. “You’re surprising me?”

  “You didn’t know we had plans. Now you know we do.” His lips twitched. “Surprise.”

  She whacked him on the arm. “David.”

  “You’ll find out tonight. Where’s your patience, Paula?”

  “I don’t have any.”

  A grin pulled at his lips. “You’re like a kid who can’t wait until Christmas morning.”

  She crossed her arms and gave a mock “Hummph.” She had no idea what he could have planned or why. As far as she knew, their only options were the New Year’s Eve service at church or a long wait at some restaurant since all the ones who took reservations would be booked already.

  “I don’t even know how to dress.” She was pouting, but judging by his reaction, he didn’t seem to mind.

  “Wear layers.”

  Paula was still thinking about those words at eight o’clock that evening as they drove up to the base of Snow King. Didn’t David know the ski slope was closed for the night? She hoped his surprise wasn’t ruined. She turned and looked at him.

  They exited the vehicle and, like magic, the lights flashed on, flooding the entire slope with light. The chairlift swung into operation, its empty chairs swaying at the abrupt start.

  “What in the world?”

  David just smiled. “Come on.” He opened the back of the car and started unloading their ski gear.

  “We’re going skiing?” She hadn’t been skiing since last winter, and she couldn’t remember the last time David had skied. The thought of gliding down the slopes with nothing in her way but the wind made her blood stir with excitement.

  “You don’t even like to ski,” she said.

  He took the last of their gear from the trunk and shut it. “You do, though.”

  They put on their skis, and Paula added the ski coat he’d brought along for her.

  Once they were on the chairlift, gliding up the mountainside, Paula turned and stared at her husband. His nose was already turning red, and she knew his glasses would start fogging up any minute.

  He didn’t like being out here on the slopes. He never had. She’d known it the first time she brought him here when they’d just met. They’d only returned one other time, right before they married. What had happened over the past few weeks that was changing him back into the man she used to know? She was afraid to ask him, afraid to break the mood.

  His long legs hung down from the chair, the crossed skis angling out in a V. When they exited the chairlift, he guided her to the right, away from the slopes. She wondered where he was taking her, but he wasn’t talking.

  Finally they came to a stop at the Panorama House, a casual grill and a place for skiers to eat and warm up. They’d eaten lunch there on their third date.

  The lights were on inside.

  Her eyes widened. “David, what have you done?”

  Instead of answering, he took off his skis on the stoop, and she followed suit. Inside, the lighting was much different than all the times Paula had visited. Candlelight bathed the walls, and in the center of the room, a table was swathed in white linen and set for two with sparkling crystal.

  “Oh, David.”

  She stopped and took in all the details. White lights twinkled from the planters and the ceiling. A fire crackled and popped from the massive fireplace. And music. A sexy jazz instrumental played softly.

  She was overwhelmed by the thoughtful gesture. Early in their relationship he’d planned dates for them. Once he’d even arranged a sleigh ride to celebrate their anniversary, but he’d never gone to these measures.

  “David?” She gazed at him, and he met her eyes with an expression she couldn’t recall seeing before. Not exactly the look he gave her the weekend before. This one held a seed of pride at his effort, but it was rooted in something else. Humility? He looked away before she could identify it.

  “Come on. It’s getting cold,” he said. After they seated themselves at the table, David took her hand. “Grace first?”

  “Sure.”

  David said a short prayer and squeezed her hand.

  They lifted the sterling lids off their plates. The aroma of roasted duck wafted upward. Paula’s stomach rumbled. It was perfectly roasted to a golden crisp and topped with an orange sauce. Sides of French-cut green beans and seasoned new potatoes filled out the plate.

  “This smells divine.” She glanced around the room. “How did you manage all this? The slopes, the food, the decorations . . .”

  He sliced the roasted duck. “I helped Snow King’s owner with a large real-estate transaction. He was inclined to do me a favor.”

  Must’ve been some transaction, Paula thought. “I guess so. Who did the food? And the decorations?”

  “The food was catered, and I did the decorations.”

  “You?”

  David didn’t have a creative bone in his body. His idea of a decorated home was white walls and miniblinds.

  “Well, I had some help,” he admitted. “The manager of the Panorama made suggestions.”

  She savored her first bite of the roasted duck while she studied her husband. Who was this man, and what had happened to the one she’d been tiptoeing around for months? The one who accused her of having an affair? She remembered like yesterday the evening he came home after getting the results of his infertility test . . .

  * * *

  “It’s very unlikely I can get you pregnant, Paula,” David had told her.

  He was u
pset over his low sperm count . . . and low motility. At first Paula thought he was feeling embarrassed or incapable. But it was more than that. He was so angry.

  She’d never seen him that way. He flicked off the TV and tossed the remote onto the table. It clattered, then spun and plunked onto the carpet.

  She stared at her husband, suddenly feeling like she didn’t know him at all. “What is wrong? This is more than just a test result.”

  He swiveled the recliner toward her then, and she felt the full weight of his anger. “I can’t get you pregnant, Paula.” He spat out the words as if spewing some nasty food from his mouth.

  Her heart pressed against her ribs; her blood gushed through her veins, but still, she couldn’t figure out why—

  Then a terrible thought occurred to her.

  “Do you get it now? Yes, I see that you do.” He blinked rapidly.

  “You can’t be serious.”

  Silence. So heavy and oppressing, it smothered her.

  “You are,” she said quietly. She couldn’t believe he thought she’d—

  “What am I supposed to think? The doctor told me it was highly unlikely I could father a child. ‘Practically impossible,’ she said.”

  “But you did. We did.”

  “Did we?”

  The words hung in the air between them. Suspended like a poisonous cloud of gases, they sucked the air from her lungs. Her eyes stung. “Of course we did. Think what you’re saying, David.”

  “I’ve had all afternoon to think. And you know what I thought about? I thought about the time I found a bunch of e-mails from Evan in your inbox—”

  “He was just seeing how—”

  “I thought about the time we had those mysterious hotel charges on our credit card—”

  “That was—”

  “And I thought about how you act around other men. How you flirt and act so coy, and how you and that . . . that Dante were acting two weeks ago when I walked in on you at the TV station.” His voice escalated. “That’s what I thought about, Paula.”

  He shoved in the footrest, got up, and left the room.

  She felt as if some heavy boulder sat on her chest. Sure, she’d been attracted to Dante. And maybe she did act a little coy with men, but that was just her personality. Couldn’t he see that?

  Maybe he senses your guilt.

  She shoved away the thought. That was a whole separate thing. He was accusing her of cheating on him.

  She followed him on legs that felt uncharacteristically wobbly. When she reached the kitchen, he was making a pot of coffee.

  She lounged against the counter. “I know I sometimes act a little flirtatious with other men, but I have never cheated on you.”

  He emptied the water into the reservoir and shoved the pot on the burner.

  “That baby was yours, David,” she said emphatically. Her heart turned flip-flops in her chest when he didn’t respond. She’d told him the truth. Why wouldn’t he believe her? She trembled but not from fear. “How could you even think it?”

  He took a mug from the cabinet and turned to get the half-and-half from the fridge.

  She grabbed his arm. “Why are you doing this? Talk to me!”

  He flung the creamer across the counter, where it slid and toppled.

  “The doctor said ‘practically impossible,’ Paula. Do you understand what that means?” He jerked his arm away, and her hand fell. “I grieved that baby. For weeks I grieved that baby. And it wasn’t even mine.”

  Chills crawled up her spine. “Yes, it was.” How could he think this? It was so unfair. She flicked away the tear that escaped.

  “Whose was it, Paula? Have there been others?”

  “There hasn’t been anybody! Would you listen to yourself?” Her eye started twitching. “Maybe the test was wrong. Have you considered that? Did you even think about that before you started accusing me of adultery?”

  He nailed her with a glare and left the room.

  * * *

  “Is everything OK?” David’s voice pulled her from the past.

  Paula realized she’d probably let emotions show on her face that didn’t jive with their romantic interlude. “Everything is wonderful. The duck is amazing.”

  He smiled and popped a small chunk of potato into his mouth. She wished she could read his eyes, but a glare from the candlelight flickered on his glasses.

  When they finished the meal, David cleared his throat. “I know you’re wondering what all this is about. It’s more than just a New Year’s Eve surprise. I guess you’ve figured that out. The truth is, Paula, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  Paula placed her napkin on her plate while her nerves drew taut. The last time David had something to tell her, it had ushered in months of bickering and hard feelings. Suddenly she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear what David had to say.

  CHAPTER

  FIFTEEN

  Paula stuffed down the feeling of dread and focused on David. The flickering light of the fire cast a warm glow on his skin. He was about to say something important. She could tell that much by the way his elbows balanced on the edge of the table.

  He took her hand. “We’ve been through a rough time these past months. The worst of our marriage.”

  He looked at her then, and she wondered what was going on behind those eyes.

  He squeezed her hand. “We tried to get pregnant for so long, and that was stressful, especially on you, I think. Then I got the results of the testing, and I . . . well, I went ballistic. I guess I was stressed too. About not getting pregnant, about the business, and . . . things weren’t going so great between us either.”

  Paula nodded. She wished she had a fast-forward button so she could find out what David was getting at. Her biggest worry had always been that David would find out about the abortion. Every time there was conflict between them, she worried he would somehow find out. But tonight he seemed at peace. As if he wanted to put the past behind them. Was it possible?

  He stared down at their hands, intertwined in the middle of the table. “What I’m trying to say, Paula, is that I owe you a huge apology. The day I got those test results, I wasn’t thinking clearly.” He laughed derisively. “That much is as clear as glass.”

  When his gaze met hers, she felt it all the way down to her red toenails.

  “I was so wrong to accuse you. I said despicable things and drove a wedge between us that has—”

  “Stop, David.”

  He was finally saying the words she longed to hear. All these months of believing she’d been unfaithful, and now she was being exonerated.

  Her eyes stung with relief. Or was it guilt? While David was repenting of his wrong, she was harboring her own. She had driven her own secret wedge between them, and she could never come clean about that.

  Never.

  David cradled her face in his palm. “I don’t want to stop. What I did to you was indefensible. I accused you on so little evidence. Where was my trust?”

  “We were already having problems. It’s not so hard to see how you jumped to wrong conclusions.”

  “You’re my wife.” His eyes held hers captive. “I should have trusted you.”

  His words drove a spike into her heart. I should have trusted you. Was there anyone less worthy of trust than she? Yes, she’d been faithful to David. But she’d aborted the only child they’d conceived, then lied about it.

  She broke eye contact, gazing at the fire across the room, unable to bear the guilt on her husband’s face while she covered up a mountain of guilt inside herself.

  “I know you’re flirtatious by nature,” he said. “I took a part of your personality, a part I happen to love, and used that as evidence against you.”

  “I do need to tone it down sometimes.” She remembered how caring David had been after the “miscarriage.” He tried to cater to her and comfort her, but she pushed him away. The guilt of what she’d done nearly swallowed her alive, but she buried it deep inside and plunged back into work to
forget.

  “Stop making excuses for me, hon. I was wrong, and we both know it. I’ve been going to this Bible-study thing the past couple of weeks. We’ve been studying this story about a man who was rebuilding walls, and it’s really interesting how it pertains to the walls we build today.”

  “You’re going to a Bible study?”

  They used to attend church faithfully, but over the years their faith had taken a backseat to their careers.

  “I know. Hard to believe. But this is different. I’m learning a lot.”

  Apparently. If it was having this kind of effect on him, who was she to complain?

  He took both her hands. “I’m so sorry for falsely accusing you. And I’m sorry it took this long to see it. I miss you. I miss us. I want to get back what we lost.”

  “I want that, too, David.” Was it even possible? Didn’t he realize things hadn’t been good between them even before his accusations? Things hadn’t been right between them since . . .

  No. It wouldn’t do any good to think like that. What was done was done. David wanted to move on, and so did she. She would make it happen the same way she’d made her career happen. With hard work and determination.

  As he stood and gathered her in his arms, she sealed the deal in her heart. She wouldn’t let anything come between her and David. Not now or in the future. And she certainly wouldn’t let the past tear them apart.

  * * *

  Linn slid a drink across the counter. “Cappuccino,” she called before starting two more shots of espresso for the next drink. Another employee, Tara, had been working the register all evening, and with midnight approaching shortly, the New Year’s Eve clientele was slowly beginning to diminish.

  Business had been hopping all evening, and Linn was ready to get off her feet and go to bed. A glance at the wall clock showed she had another seven minutes before midnight. They were open until twelve thirty because of the holiday, but at least she had New Year’s Day off. She’d have the whole day to wonder how she could come up with the $384 she needed to complete her rent payment by midnight. As if that were even possible.