Without Regret (Broken Roads Book 1)
Page 14
Ray brings his parents up to speed, while I settle Alyssa in her carrier. Thankfully, no one bombards me with questions, or expects me to carry on a conversation. Right now, I feel like a robot, going through the motions until I can process what has happened.
Walking out to the parking lot, Zack leans back on the bumper of the car. “I’m staying here tonight,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest. Unable to say anything, I nod. “Already buttered up the night nurse, I’ve got my in. I may be sleepin’ in a fuckin’ chair, but I’m not leavin’ my girl.”
“Finally using that Mitchell charm for good?” Lila asks, patting him on the back.
Looking back at front doors of the hospital, Zack shrugs. “My reasons are always self-serving, Auntie.” Leaning down, he gives her a peck on the cheek. “The decision to sit up all night and watch her sleep is no exception. It’s possibly the most selfish thing I’ve ever done.” Clearing his throat, he gives me a small smile before walking back toward the front doors and disappearing inside.
Climbing into the car, I wait for Ray to say goodbye to his parents. Quickly, he is rounding the side and slipping into the driver’s seat. My hands twist nervously in my lap as he drives, my mind racing with so many thoughts that it makes me nauseous. “My place?” Ray asks, glancing over at me. “Or do you want to go back home? Either way,” he says, reaching over and taking my hand. “I’m not leaving your side.”
“Home,” I whisper, staring out the window. “I want to go home.”
I zone out during the drive. My thoughts seem to blur together, along with the street signs and headlights of passing vehicles. Ray pulls into the driveway and my eyes instantly lock on the license plate of Dad’s truck in front of us. Climbing from the car, I eye the pickup, then move my gaze to the house. Lights are on in the front room, giving the illusion that someone is home. You would never know by looking at the house exactly how empty it will be now.
Opening the front door, I dump my purse and keys on the entry way table. A blue sticky note on the banister gets my attention immediately. Stepping forward, I snatch it.
Rach,
Your laundry is folded on top of the dryer.
Mom
“Need to get the laundry.” Moving down the hall, I stop in front of the door to Mom and Dad’s bedroom. Switching on the light, I step into the inside. The bed is made, piled high with the decorative pillows Dad bitched about having to move every night before he could go to sleep. Mom’s beige throw cover is draped over the chaise lounge she saved six months to buy when Kate and I were in high school. Her latest read sits waiting for her, the gold bookmark marking where she left off as if she will walk back in here any second to read how it ends.
It fucking taunts me.
Walking over, I pick it up. Throwing it across the room, I slump to the floor when it slams into Mom’s vanity, sending bottles of perfume and lotion crashing to the floor.
“Rachel!” Ray shouts, his footsteps echoing off the hardwood as he runs into the room. “Baby,” he breathes. Dropping to his knees, his strong arms surround me, pulling me back against him.
“Make it go away,” I plead desperately, unable to see through my tears. “Please, take the pain away. I can’t do this, Ray. I’m not strong enough. It’s hurts too much.”
Nuzzling my hair, he sighs. “I’d give anything to fix this for you, Rach. I don’t know how.”
Standing to his feet, he lifts me into his arms and places me on the bed beside Alyssa. Releasing his hold on me, he tugs off my shoes, letting them fall to the floor. Rolling to my side, I pull her close and drop my lips to her forehead. Grabbing the throw from the lounger, Ray tucks it around the two of us.
Pulling my hand free of the blanket, I sit up and grab his arm. “Don’t go,” I plead. “I need you to stay with me, Ray.”
Swallowing hard, tears pool in his eyes as he sits. Cupping my face with his hands, he presses his forehead to mine. “You have me, Baby,” he whispers hoarsely. “You’ll always have me.”
Chapter 17
In the three days since the accident, Ray hasn’t left my side, except an hour or so before we even wake up in the mornings to check in at work. Though he calls to check in several times during the day, his focus is here. Whether it is helping with Alyssa, handling phone calls, or simply being there as a shoulder to lean on, he has been amazing as usual.
Since Kate was released from the hospital yesterday, she has not left her bedroom, except for the bathroom. Grief has made her a shell of her former self. Saying next to nothing, her face is twisted with guilt as she does little more than sleep or stare blankly at the television.
Being that Dad pretty much planned out his entire funeral, with Ray’s help, I decided to work with the funeral director and turn it into a double service. After spending the last few days planning every detail the funeral home has thrown at me, I have little hold on the emotions that threaten to bubble over at any moment. This has easily been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life thus far. My emotions are unstable, but Ray has never wavered. I could not have done any of it without him holding my hand.
This morning, I sat in bed watching the clock on the wall inch closer and closer to the time I have spent all night dreading. Today is the day we lay my parents to rest. I am so sick of everything that I just want to hide under the blankets. I am over people’s sympathy and their endless deliveries of cakes and casseroles. I am tired of making decisions and having to work so hard at being the strong one.
Forcing myself to get up, I dress my baby, then myself. Looking in the mirror, I apply enough makeup to make myself look a little more human and attempt to mentally prepare to go sit in a funeral home and listen to people, I don’t even know, talk about how much my parents meant to them.
“I’m not fucking going!” Kate screams, followed by the sound of glass shattering. “Get your damn hands off me, Zack!”
Flinging open my door, my heart slams against my chest as I run down the hallway toward her room. “Woman, stop fighting me,” Zack grounds out, forcing her to sit on the bed. “There’s glass everywhere.”
Pushing up on her knees, Kate slaps Zack across the face. “Don’t manhandle me, Mitchell!”
“What the hell is going on in here?” I ask, my eyes shifting between the two of them.
“Nothing,” Kate bites out, not taking her eyes from Zack. Her chest heaves, making her hiss in pain and clutch her ribs as tears spill down her face. Shifting her legs, she attempts to get off the bed.
“Wait,” he shouts, grabbing her wrists and pinning them to her sides. My body goes rigid at the sight of his hands on my sister. My mind flashes back to Tim, making my chest tighten painfully. Forcing myself to take a deep breath, I remind myself that this is Zack. He would never hurt Kate, he is trying to help her. “You’re gonna sit there until I clean up this fucking mess you’ve made so that we aren’t digging glass out of your damn feet. Then, you’re gonna put the dress on, brush your wild ass hair, and march your ass down to the car,” he warns as she struggles against him. “If not, I’ll shove you in that dress, handle your hair with whatever I can find in that suitcase you call a beauty bag, and carry that fine ass of yours down the steps myself. You got that shit, Sweetheart?”
“I can’t!” she shouts, collapsing against his chest. Fisting her hands in his dress shirt, she sobs. “I can’t see them like that, Zack. Just because I’m breathing doesn’t mean I survived.”
“Fuck,” Zack curses under his breath, wrapping her up tightly in his arms.
“Kate,” I choke out, moving to the bed. She recoils from my touch, leaning further into Zack’s embrace. I don’t know what to say or do. My usually vibrant, brilliantly sassy and snarky sister, is broken, fragile. If there is anything worse than losing my parents, it is seeing her this way and knowing that I cannot do anything to fix it.
Despair is written all over Zack’s face when he meets my eyes. “Go on, Rach,” he says, shifting to sit on the bed. “I’ve got her.
We’ll head over in my car once she’s calmed down and gotten herself ready.”
Shocked at her outburst, and my emotions completely rattled at the intensity of their argument, I nod and head down the stairs to find Ray and the baby so that we can leave. When Kate was released from the hospital, the doctor had spoken to me briefly with his concerns about her possibly forming depression and survivor’s guilt. I shrugged it off, thinking he was being overly cautious and grasping at straws. Now, I am not so sure about that. It seems that the seriousness of her physical injuries in no way compare to the emotional wounds she has suffered.
The thought of losing her too is terrifying.
At the funeral home, it is as if everything moves in slow motion. The place is packed with family and friends, most of which I can’t remember ever meeting in my life. If I close my eyes, I can see my mom laughing and rolling her eyes at the amount of people sniffing around. She always said that people came out of the woodwork if someone dies or wins the lottery.
If she were here, we would probably be in the corner making fun of how desperate some of these vultures are to start loading up heirlooms and things from the house in the back of their cars as soon as no one is looking.
The unfamiliar faces start to blend together by the time we are seated for the service to begin. Having fallen hopelessly in love with Alyssa, Bob and Lila ask to take her to the back so that I can focus on the service. Knowing that it would be best, since I am speaking after the preacher, I nod and hand her off to Bob.
The same preacher who baptized Kate and I as children speaks of love and loss. After sharing verses that Mom and Dad both loved, he reads the joint obituary I had published in the paper. Kate made only one request during the last few days. That was to have one obituary for Mom and Dad instead of two. Our parents taught us that when you loved someone enough to say ‘I do’, your two lives become one. Forever. Knowing their love for each other ran that deeply, and since they left this world together, I thought it very fitting for them to be honored that way as well.
Soon it is my turn to speak, and my nerves quickly begin to swallow me whole. Standing on shaky legs, I straighten the front of my knee-length black dress. Passing the matching slate gray caskets I picked out, I make my way up to the podium. Looking out at the sea of faces, I spot Kate and Zack in the back. Kate stares blankly, tears streaming down her face as she cries quietly. Picking up the speech I had prepared to read from, I crumble it in my hand and toss it down on the podium.
“Thank you for coming. It means more than you know,” I start, then clear my throat. “I had written something to say, but honestly, I’d rather just let my heart speak for me today. If that’s okay.” Blinking slowly, I take a deep breath. “Nothing can prepare you for a loss like this. My parents were two of the greatest people I have ever known. There are no words to describe the impact they have had on my life and those around them. Saying they were loved and will be missed doesn’t begin to express how I feel at this point. My father was very ill in his last days. Even though I knew time with him was short, I was in no way prepared to lose him. My mom—” Clutching my chest, I take a deep breath. “Taking her from us without warning was a cruel twist of fate none of us saw coming.”
Taking a breath, I look at Ray. “My dad was a strong believer in fate. You see, Dad accepted the hand he had been dealt, but being the stubborn man that he was, he was determined to die on his terms.” I find Kate’s eyes. “I’m breaking a promise right now by sharing his secret. He was supposed to tell my mother and Kate the truth, but fate saw differently and took him before he could clear the air. In the end, him stopping his treatments didn’t matter. Life doesn’t come with guarantees. Time is something taken for granted. We always think we’ll have more of it. However, in the end, it is the one thing you’ll never have enough of. We’re born and then we die. What we do in-between ends up summarized in a few paragraphs in the newspaper. It really is sad if you think about it.” Shaking my head, I hold up the obituary. “This is just a piece of their lives, of the love they shared. It in no way begins to express the depth of their love for each other, for the family they created. They truly were each other’s best friend. Grant and Cheryl Davidson truly loved each other with everything they had. They were the definition of two becoming one”
Burying her face in her hands, Kate begins to sob. Zack immediately wraps his arms around her, comforting her in the only way he knows how. Placing the paper back on the podium, I stare down at my parents, tears filling my eyes as multiple emotions collide within me. “As much as my heart aches because of what I have lost, I know they’re together,” Wiping the tears away with my fingers, I smile as memories of them together fill my mind. Dancing in the kitchen without music, the way his hand always found hers in the car while driving through town, the laughter, the looks passed between them when they thought no one was watching, every little moment plays in my mind like a movie. “Neither one of them could have lived without the other. I feel that in my soul. When Mom left this world, Dad’s heart stopped almost immediately. Because,” I choke out, swallowing hard. “The love of his life, his heart, his everything, died right there in front of him. That love lives on in my sister and I, it lives on in my daughter. I can only hope that I live my life in a way that, when they look down on me, they are as proud to be my parents as I am to be their daughter. Thank you.”
Walking back to my seat, I sit down beside Ray. Closing my eyes, I blow out a breath. Wrapping his arm around me, he kisses my hair. “That was beautiful.”
The preacher says a few more words, before dismissing in a word of prayer. Ray and I stand as he heads our way. “I am so sorry for your loss,” he says, shaking my hand. “Please let me know if there is anything you need.”
Nodding my head, I release his hand and make my way up to the front. As I look down at my mother, Ray’s arm slides around my waist. “She looks so peaceful.” Bending down, I press my forehead to hers, emotion clogging my throat. “I love you, Mom. I refuse to say goodbye, because I know you’re always with me.”
Stepping around the masses of flowers surrounding a giant photo of Mom and Dad together, I make my way over to Dad. Straightening his tie, I run my fingers along the embroidered St. Louis Cardinals logo. “Daddy,” I whisper, shaking my head. “There are no words.” Bringing my hand up to my lips, I try to stifle a sob, but fail miserably. “I needed more time.”
Taking my hand, Ray gives my fingers a supportive squeeze. “I’d like to speak, if I can,” he says, clearing his throat. “I don’t have to tell anyone in this room how wonderful Grant and Cheryl were. Everyone who knew them were better for it. Grant once told me that life isn’t about being rich and famous. Most people will not see a high school or federal holiday named after them. It’s about finding that one person, the missing half that completes you. Grant found that.” Releasing his hold on me, he moves down the aisle and takes Alyssa from Bob. Pressing a kiss to the top of her head, he smiles. “His wife, their two daughters, and this sweet girl here, were his everything. Every choice he ever made was what he whole-heartedly believed was in their best interest, no matter what it cost him. Kate, Rachel, and Alyssa are Grant’s legacy. They are proof of the love that he built with Cheryl, and as the generations grow, it will live on.”
Taking Alyssa into my arms, I begin the long task of shaking everyone’s hand as they pass by my parents’ caskets and file through the exit doors into the lobby. Glancing around once the crowd has mostly cleared out, I don’t see Kate or Zack anywhere.
“Where’s Kate?” I ask when Lila hugs me.
“She said she needed to step outside,” she replies sadly. “Zack and Jimmy are with her.”
Nodding, I turn and freeze immediately. The dark eyes staring back at me steal my breath, bringing back feelings that are painful and unwelcome. Stepping forward, he extends his hand to Ray. My body stiffens.
“Thank you for coming,” Ray says, shaking his hand. “I’m Ray Mitchell, Rachel’s boyfriend.”
Ray tenses beside me as realization sets in. “Mom,” he says calmly, keeping his eyes on Tim. “Why don’t you take Alyssa outside and check on Kate?”
Lila’s eyes move to me, searching mine in question. I nod. “I bet Auntie Kate could use some snuggles,” I agree, pressing a kiss to Alyssa’s forehead. “Thank you, Lila.” Taking the baby, she smiles at me. Giving my arm a reassuring squeeze, she hugs Alyssa tightly to her as she moves around us and heads for the doors.
“Sorry about your parents,” Tim says with no genuine sympathy in his voice whatsoever. Moving his eyes to Ray, his jaw ticks angrily as he sizes him up. Taking my hand in his, Ray laces our fingers. “Hmm,” Tim says, arching his eyebrow as his eyes move to our joined hands. “Looks like we have a lot to catch up on.”
“Tim—” I breathe, trying to get a handle on my nerves.
“Okay,” Ray nods, interrupting me. Releasing my hand, he slips his arm around me and pulls me into his side. “But, it isn’t happening here. I think you should leave before you upset Rachel by making a scene.”
“I drove hundreds of miles to pay my respects,” Tim grounds out, narrowing his eyes at Ray as he steps closer to me.
“And you’ve done that,” Ray replies, shifting his body, protectively putting himself between Tim and I. “The family appreciates you being here today. Now, you have a long drive ahead of you, Tim. Be safe.”
“Not going anywhere until we talk.” Tim’s eyes meet mine over Ray’s shoulder. “Got myself a hotel room in town. I’ll be waiting for your call.”
Turning on his heel, Tim walks out of the doors. Panic fills me. Moving to the windows, I watch every step he takes as he stalks by everyone and climbs into his truck before speeding out of the lot. The breath rushes out of me, leaving me feeling completely deflated and small. Why is he here? What the hell could he possibly want?