Yours Forever

by Bella Winters

  As I watched, Fay opened her eyes and groaned as she forced herself to sit up. My insides screamed at me. I had a rule. I had a hard, fast, never to be broken rule that women didn’t stay the night, and yet, here she was, waking up beside me. That was bad, but the worst part about it was that I didn’t mind it.

  More than not minding it, I was glad to have her there. I liked feeling the way her small amount of weight shifted the mattress. I liked watching the way her skin shone softly as the light spilled over her perfect tits. When she looked down at me, a shy grin spreading across her face, I liked that, too. With something a lot like real alarm, I realized that waking up with her next to me was the best I had felt in a long, long time.

  I didn’t want her to go, and without thinking about it, I reached out for her. I pulled her back beside me again and wrapped my arms around her tightly. It was an uncharacteristic move for me, like I was trying to claim her or something. I couldn’t help it. I just didn’t want her to leave.

  “Hey!” She laughed, making a show of fighting me without putting much of an effort into the gesture. “What did I just say?”

  “I wasn’t listening. How do you feel about bacon?”

  “I love bacon, and you know it, but I can’t. I need to get home, Neil. I need to get myself cleaned up and ready.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Oh, but I do. I have a job to go to, Neil. They kind of expect you to go to those.”

  She wriggled out of my arms again as she spoke. I propped myself up on one elbow. She stood, stretched again, and started to get dressed. Even with her hair and makeup all messed up, she looked fucking gorgeous. My stomach did its weird new flip flop thing as I looked at her. Although she didn’t look in my direction, I could see her smiling a little to herself. It was like she could read my thoughts or something, which only made me want her to stay even more.

  “Why do you keep doing it, babe?” I asked.

  “What do you mean? Why do I keep working?”

  “Well, yeah,” I said. “Nobody ever comes into that diner, right?”

  “That’s not completely true. People come in. Sometimes.”

  “But not really. Not a lot.”

  “No, not a whole lot. That’s true.”

  “So then why do you keep doing it? Why don’t you just quit? That way you wouldn’t have to leave.”

  “Neil,” she answered in a chastising voice, one hand on her now fully dressed hip. “Come on. I’m not quitting. I work there because I like it there. That place means something to me, and it’s not just about the number of customers we get. Besides, just because I’m leaving now, doesn’t mean we aren’t seeing each other again, right?”

  “Sure, that’s right.”

  “So, when?” she asked. “When do you think I’ll see you?”

  “I could come up and see you at the diner,” I answered thoughtfully, trying to answer her, and figure out why I was so bummed at the prospect of her leaving at the same time. “Or else you could come over again.”

  “I work late today. I don’t think coming over would be an option.”

  “You could come over tomorrow, then. Or like I said, I’ll come see you.”

  “Good,” she said. “That sounds great, actually. Now kiss me, will you? And stop looking so cranky.”

  I gave her the kiss, but I was pretty sure I failed miserably at the second part. I didn’t get up to walk her to the door, either. I just let her show herself out. I lay in bed for a long, long time after she was gone, letting the shock of how empty the house felt without her in it hit me in stages. I hadn’t ever realized how fucking empty the place was, but now that she’d made me see it, I couldn’t seem to make myself blind to it again.

  There had been a time when I’d thought that I liked that feeling of hollowness around me, but after my night with Fay, I wasn’t so sure I felt that way anymore. It made me feel like I was suffocating, and after a while, it got to be so bad that I decided I had to get the hell out. I took a quick shower, and because there were very few places in Ashville for me to actually go, I drove myself down to the barbershop.

  Eli was working on a customer when I walked in, but he gave me a wide smile. The kind of greeting that made you know you were visiting with a friend.

  “Hey man! How the hell are ya? I was wondering when you were going to come down and see my place.”

  “And here I am,” I said. “It’s a great shop, Eli. Really good setup you’ve got here.”

  “Yeah? Thanks, man. Appreciate it. I’d ask you if you need a haircut, but I can tell by looking at you that you don’t.”

  “Nah, just kind of needed to get out of the house, actually. If that’s all right. If I’m in the way, just tell me, and I’m gone.”

  “Shit no! It’s all gravy, brother! Have a seat, why don’t ya? Tell me what’s on your mind.”

  I sat in the chair Eli indicated to, wondering if it was really that obvious that I was thinking something over. I hadn’t told him I needed to talk about anything, and I was kind of hoping it was just something he said to say. After a couple of seconds of just sitting, I realized he was watching me in the mirror. When I made eye contact, he raised his eyebrows at me, making it clear that he had actually meant what he had said.

  “What’s up?” I asked unconvincingly. Part of me wanted to be left the hell alone while the other part realized this was probably why I had come in the first place.

  “You tell me, brother. You’re the one who’s got a look on your face.”

  “A look? Please. Come on, man. There’s no look. I’m just really fucking tired is all.”

  “Not getting any sleep?”

  “No, it’s not that, actually. I’ve been sleeping like a baby. But Fay came over last night, and we weren’t too mindful of the clock. She had to get up super early, and I have a hard time getting back to sleep once I’m up.”

  “No shit? So she stayed the night and everything?”

  “Sure, no big deal or anything. I gotta say, though, I’m really glad we saw her in that bar.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, definitely. I forgot how great she is, you know? It’s been almost ten years. You would think that whatever it was that made me so obsessed with her when we were younger would have worn off, but it hasn’t.”

  “I’m not surprised,” Eli commented, his face now impassive and trained on the hair he was finishing up. “She’s a good woman.”

  “Yeah, except that she’s more than good, you know? She’s really fucking great. I forgot that, being away. I forgot how amazing she was. And it’s like she only got better while I was gone. With most people, it doesn’t work that way, but it really seems like that’s what happened with her.”

  “You want to know my opinion, brother? And keep in mind, I’m nothing special myself. Just a small-town barber, you know?”

  “I don’t care. Shoot. What do you think?”

  “I think you might be starting to feel like Ashville isn’t the worst place to be, after all. That’s what I think.”

  There was more conversation after that, but I would never remember what it was. Whether he had meant them to or not, Eli’s words had hit me like a ton of bricks. They had scared the shit out of me. Because there was no way I was going to let those words be true.

  Fay was great. There was no bullshitting involved in any of that, but that didn’t mean I was suddenly ready to stick around in Ashville. I had worked too damn hard to get out, only to be sucked back in all these years later. And weren’t there great women everywhere? It might suck to have to leave her again, but was that enough of a reason to stay? Was I really prepared to stay in Ashville for a girl I’d loved in high school?

  “No fucking way,” I whispered to myself fiercely. I was the only one who heard the words, but as far as I was concerned, it could have been the whole world. There was no fucking way I was going to let Fay get deep enough into my heart that I would choose to stay for her, great girl or not.

  Chapter 15: Fay
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  “All right, I’ll give,” Courtney said. “What’s with you today?”

  “Hm? What are you talking about?”

  “I said what’s with you today? I know you heard me, lady.”

  “Nothing,” I laughed, my fingers toying lazily with the ends of the apron I had yet to put on while I tried to lie to my best friend and failed miserably. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Bullshit, you don’t!” she squawked, her voice so loud in the empty diner she made me jump about a foot in the air. “You’ve been acting moony ever since you got to work today. So, either tell me what’s with you, or I’ll march up to that Driscoll place and ask him. You tell me which one you would prefer.”

  “Definitely the first option,” I admitted, my head momentarily filled with a shudder-inducing vision of Courtney stomping all of the way up to Neil’s front door, where she would pound and yell and demand her information. “And it’s really nothing. I was just thinking about Neil’s last night.”

  “And?”

  “And what? That’s what I was thinking about.”

  “And? Thinking about it how?”

  “I was just thinking about how great it was.”

  “Right…?”

  “I don’t know what else you want me to say,” I laughed shyly, knowing full well what she wanted to know and having not a clue how to tell her. “It was really amazing, that’s all.”

  “You did it, didn’t you? You finally fucking did it!”

  “Courtney! Seriously, okay? Not so loud!”

  “Why, because the salt shakers are going to hear me? Am I right or am I wrong? Did you have sex with him last night?”

  I didn’t answer her question, but I didn’t have to. My silence was all of the answer she needed. She let out a low whistle and lit up a cigarette, right there at the counter, despite the fact that the place had been nonsmoking for at least a year. I thought about reminding her of that fact, but something told me it would be best if I didn’t. She had a look in her eyes that I couldn’t understand, especially after all of her years of trying to get me to stop being such a prude.

  “What’s the matter, Courtney? If I didn’t know any better, I would say you weren’t happy for me.”

  “Of course, I am. Don’t be crazy, okay? It’s about time, you know? I just want to make sure he was good to you. You waited a long time for this. I just want to make sure it was a good thing that it happened this way.”

  “It was definitely a good thing! I know you’re going to think this is crazy, but I think it was probably always supposed to be him, you know? Like that’s why I couldn’t ever make myself go there with anyone else. I think it was always supposed to be him, and it was the most amazing thing ever.”

  “Christ. Yeah, see that was kind of what I was afraid of.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked slowly, feeling confused and shockingly hurt by such a blunt statement. “You’re the one—”

  “Right,” she interrupted, sucking on the end of her smoke contemplatively. “I’m the one who’s been telling you to get it over with, I know. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

  “I don’t know what that even means.”

  “It means I don’t want you to assume it means something big, all right?” She sighed, put the cigarette out, and began pacing in front of me. I was torn between being annoyed and royally pissed off that she would spoil my good mood this way. Then, I felt an enormous amount of love for her for how much she cared about me. In the end, I decided not to lose my cool and to focus on the love part, which made it a little bit easier to hear the next part she had to say.

  “Look, I know how important all of that romance shit is to you, but it’s not real. We’ve been through that a thousand times, and it never really mattered all that much that you didn’t believe me. Except now it does. You want him to be some changed guy, now that the two of you had sex, but that doesn’t mean he will be. He’s still the guy who left you, and that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have done it. I’m glad you did it, and I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

  “You could have fooled me.”

  “It’s the emotions that’ve got me worried, girl. You can’t let yourself get all attached to him now, just because sex got involved. Men don’t change, Fay. Even if you really, really want them to. They just don’t. All of that exception to the rule crap? That’s exactly what it is. It’s crap, and the sooner you learn that, the better.”

  I had no idea what I was supposed to say to that, and luckily, I didn’t have to decide. Despite the fact that our diner spent ninety-five percent of the time empty, that was the moment somebody chose to walk through the door, breaking both the spell and the tension of our conversation.

  “Yikes,” a voice I didn’t recognize called out. “Not gonna lie. Sensing some serious tension in here. Are you guys open?”

  “Sure, we are,” Courtney answered in her falsely happy voice, the one she reserved for the customers. “Why don’t you sit right here at the counter? No reason not to, right?”

  And so the guy did exactly that, taking one more second to survey his surroundings and make sure everything was basically all right. Courtney was the one who served him, and I took out my book and began to read. The thing was, I kept feeling his eyes on me. She would be talking to him, but even while I kept my eyes on my page, I could feel his eyes on me, and after he’d settled up, he came and stood in front of me and cleared his throat.

  “Hey, I’m really sorry to interrupt.”

  “That’s totally fine! It’s not like reading on the job is exactly allowed, right?”

  “Right,” he laughed nervously, looking around to see if Courtney was paying attention. Because I knew her so well, I knew that she definitely was, but he didn’t know that, which meant that he made the decision to continue on with what he had to say.

  “Listen, I work for a nature magazine.”

  “Do you? That’s awesome! What an amazing job!”

  “Yeah,” he went on, looking more and more nervous with each word. “I do. And the thing is, I’m going to be around here for a good six months. And I was wondering if you might let me take you out some time.”

  I was a little bit astonished. He was a cute guy, with really dark hair and dark eyes. Something about him made me think he would be sweet. He was the kind of guy a girl said yes to, and also, the first guy aside from Neil to ever ask me out in the diner. There was a time when I might have said yes, too. A time in the not too distant past, but now, it was only Neil I could think about. I could still smell him, could still taste him on my tongue, which meant that there was no way I could go out with this guy.

  “You have a boyfriend, don’t you?”

  “Kind of,” I answered sheepishly, sorry to make him feel bad but grateful to have him be the one to say it first. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be! I’m not surprised. I have to tell you something, though.”

  “Of course! Anything,” I answered in a probably overly bright voice, trying to make up for the blow I had just delivered while simultaneously having no idea what he might want to tell me next.

  “I’m not giving up. I’m sure your boyfriend is great, but I’m not giving up. If there’s a chance of you being single while I’m here, I’m going to make sure I don’t miss it.”

  And just like that, he was gone. He turned and left so quickly, I didn’t even have a chance to answer, and when I turned to look at Courtney, I expected her to be laughing, just as I was starting to. Instead, she was looking at me with a grave, thoughtful face, something very unusual for the Courtney I knew and loved.

  “What is it?” I asked, afraid I already knew the answer but asking anyway. “What’s the matter?”

  “I just don’t want to see you hurt, and at this rate, you’re going to be. He’s not your boyfriend, Fay, and he never will be. He’s not going to stay. Men don’t change. I keep telling you that. I’m just wondering if you’ll start to listen before it’s too late.”

>   Chapter 16: Neil

  The email I got from Professor Dan threw me back into the real world, the world I had been putting on hold since coming back to Ashville. It was simple enough in content, only wanting to know when I was thinking about taking the bar exam, but the shit it brought up wasn’t anything close to simple, at least not for me.

  The subtle reminder at the end didn’t help, either. The good Professor ended his short, intrusive email by reminding me that putting things off for too long usually meant they didn’t happen at all. I knew what he meant, just as every man and woman I went to school with did. There was a window, and once you got past that window, you lost your momentum. The time after finishing law school was the time in which I had the most momentum a man could have, and instead of using it to take the bar and move my life forward, I was sitting on my ass in Ashville, Alaska, wasting time.

  Waking up with Fay next to me in bed had made me vaguely uncomfortable that this might be the case, but seeing the Professor’s words right there on my laptop’s screen, blinking at me in black and white, made it clear. Just because things had slowed down to a crawl for me while I was in Ashville didn’t mean the rest of the world had slowed down, too. Because it most definitely hadn’t. The world was moving on, and it was doing it without me.

  “Hey, Neil? Everything okay?”

  The sound of Fay’s voice pulled me out of my own head. There had been a weird sound somewhere on the perimeter of my thoughts while I read and reread my email in horror and now I realized what it was. It was the sound of Fay knocking at my door.

  She was standing there knocking because I had told her to come by. Shit! I wanted to see her, but I was also having a speak of the devil kind of a feeling. And on top of that, I hadn’t even thought about starting any food for the two of us. Feeling heavy and clumsy and totally fucked in the head, I snapped my computer shut and made my way to the front door, opening it to Fay.