Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

  Rob said nothing in reply. He simply stared at her a few long moments, then slowly shook his head and retreated. He stumbled again as he took the two steps onto the front path, but somehow, he managed to save himself and, as Clara watched him stagger away down the street, she prayed to God that was the last time she saw him.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she gushed, turning to Gregg, her face and neck impossibly hot. Thank God Rob hadn’t managed to hit him.

  ‘It’s alright. You have nothing to apologise for. I’m guessing that was your ex-husband?’

  She nodded. If only she could lie. Wiping Rob from her past was proving far more difficult than she could ever have imagined. ‘He found out I’m selling the house and, although he has no claim on it, he came to try talk me out of it.’

  ‘Under the circumstances, I’d totally understand if you’d like to postpone our coffee date.’

  ‘No!’ Because what if she let him go and he ran for the hills and never came back? This might be an inauspicious start but surely things could only improve from here on in. ‘Unless … that is, unless you want to.’

  Gregg’s previously serious expression transformed into a smile and oh! That smile took his handsome to a whole other level. How had she never noticed it in school? Perhaps he was one of those people who’d grown into his looks.

  ‘I don’t want to,’ he said, in a manner that sent shivers down her spine.

  ‘Good.’ As relief flooded her, Clara found herself able to smile again. She refused to let Rob ruin her day.

  They grinned at each other a few long moments—and then they both spoke at once. ‘I can’t believe …’

  They laughed.

  ‘You go first,’ Gregg said.

  ‘I was just going to say I can’t believe it’s really you. When I saw the name Gregg Callen I remembered you but I thought it was probably someone else anyway.’

  ‘I know. You could have knocked me over with a feather when you popped up on the site. I was actually about to delete my account.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yep.’ He grimaced. ‘I wasn’t having much luck. But then I saw your name and, although your surname was different, Clara isn’t a very common name and you looked almost exactly the same as when we were seventeen. I was too terrified to ask you out back then so I knew I’d regret it forever if I didn’t at least make contact now.’

  ‘You wanted to ask me out in high school?’

  He blushed a little and Clara’s heart leapt a little in delight. ‘Yeah. But I was such a nerd and …’

  The rest of his explanation fell on deaf ears—she was distracted thinking about how different her life might have been if he had.

  ‘Anyway.’ He cleared his throat. ‘I did not mean to make that confession within moments of meeting you again. I hope I haven’t embarrassed you. Or scared you off.’

  She shook her head. Flattered would be the more accurate word. ‘No, and if that little scene you turned up to didn’t scare you off then perhaps we should get going.’

  ‘What scene?’

  ‘Thank you,’ she whispered with a smile.

  He offered her his arm. ‘Shall we?’

  ‘Yes, let’s.’ She hitched her handbag onto her shoulder and slipped her arm into his elbow. Thanks to Rob, the self-locking door was already shut and she just hoped she’d remembered to put her house keys in the bag. But, if not, that would be a problem for Future Her. No way she was going to throw another drama into their first ‘date’.

  ‘I thought we could go to the café at Centennial Park,’ Gregg said as they walked towards his car, ‘but if you’d prefer to go somewhere else …’

  ‘No. I love Centennial Park. That sounds wonderful.’

  He held the passenger door open for her as she climbed into his car. Clara couldn’t remember the last time Rob had done any such thing but chastised herself the moment she thought it. If she wanted to have a good time with Gregg, she needed to banish her ex-husband from her mind.

  The nerves that had been replaced with anger and shock at Rob’s arrival returned as Gregg got into the driver’s seat. She racked her mind for something to say. ‘I really want to do better than talk about the weather but it’s an amazing day for July.’

  He chuckled and hit her with another one of his lovely, warm smiles. ‘It was bloody freezing when I took Shadow out for his walk this morning.’

  Shadow, Clara knew from their many email conversations, was Gregg’s dog.

  ‘How old is Shadow?’

  ‘Let’s see.’ Gregg took a moment, caressing the steering wheel as he reversed out the driveway. ‘I got him just after Karan left me, and he was only a pup then, so he must be about five years old now.’

  ‘My sister has a golden retriever about the same age. He must be good company. I sometimes wonder if I should get a pet, but then I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life or where I’m going to live after selling my house so it seems a little irresponsible to buy one right now.’

  ‘Well, you can borrow Shadow whenever you want.’

  Clara smiled. ‘Thank you. I might just take you up on that offer.’

  ‘What do you plan to do when your house sells?’ he asked as they drove up Oxford Street in the direction of the park.

  She relaxed back into her seat. ‘That is the million-dollar question. I think maybe I want to take some time off work and travel.’

  ‘Where would you go?’

  She thought a moment. ‘Well, when I was young, before I met my husband, I was saving to go work overseas—maybe in London—but now, I think I’d like to go somewhere that would take me out of my comfort zone a little more. Somewhere like Africa or South America, where the culture is really different to ours.’

  ‘A girl after my own heart. There’s some fascinating historic sites in both those places. South America is on my bucket list too—I’m planning on visiting some of the Pre-Columbian temples and colonial Baroque churches during my long-service leave next year.’

  Talking about possible destinations carried them through finding a parking spot and their stroll towards the Homestead, where they both chose fancy cakes to go with their coffees. A sweet tooth was yet another thing they discovered in common.

  Gregg patted his stomach. ‘Hence why having a dog is a good idea; Shadow makes me get out and exercise.’

  From where Clara was standing there wasn’t much to pat. For a fifty-three-year-old man, he was in very good shape and she felt her cheeks warm a little at this thought.

  When the cakes came, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to dig her fork into his lemon meringue pie and for him to do the same with her chocolate mud-cake. As they ate, the conversation moved from travel to careers to people they’d once both known and finally to sharing horror stories from the hospitals and schools they’d worked in.

  ‘Have you met many of the other women you’ve interacted with online?’

  ‘Before you I’d met a grand total of two and I’d be hard pushed to say which one was more terrifying. That’s why I was considering deleting my profile.’

  Clara couldn’t help feeling a little buzz that the women who had gone before her hadn’t won him over. ‘What was wrong with them?’

  ‘This is going to sound terrible, but one had the worst body odour ever. She smelt like a stinky teenage boy and trust me, I’ve experienced my fair share of them in my career.’ He visibly shuddered. ‘She might have been a really nice person but …’

  Clara cringed.

  ‘The second woman was a total health nut. We met at a café not unlike this one and she spent the whole time telling me how the food I was eating was not only poisoning my body but also my soul. She said I had a very negative aura.’

  ‘Oh dear. Looks like I got lucky the first time,’ she said with a laugh, and then blushed. She didn’t want to appear too intense.

  But Gregg smiled, reached his hand across the table and then placed it on top of hers. As their skin met something she couldn’t quite pinp
oint swept over her. Was it … attraction?

  ‘Look,’ he began seriously, ‘there’s something I need to get off my chest.’

  ‘Oh?’ Her heart hitched a beat. What was it? Was he really a woman? No, surely she’d have known that in high school. Did he have a criminal past? Did he have some horrific disease, which meant he only had days left to live? That would be just her luck.

  ‘Maybe you should consider getting a restraining order.’

  It took her a few seconds to catch on and then she blinked. ‘On Rob?’

  Gregg nodded solemnly. ‘His behaviour looked quite threatening and I don’t like to think what might have happened if I hadn’t showed up when I did.’

  ‘I can look after myself,’ Clara said, feeling a little affronted. Lord knew she’d been doing so for many, many years.

  ‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean to overstep. But Rob seemed quite unstable. I hate to think of him hurting you.’

  She sighed deeply and conceded, ‘He is unstable. But he’d never physically hurt me, not intentionally. It’s just …’ The reasons why Rob was the way he was weren’t something she wanted to discuss with Gregg right now. In her emails she’d told him she didn’t have children but she hadn’t elaborated and that wasn’t a first date kind of conversation. ‘Look, do you mind if we don’t talk about this?’

  ‘Of course. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘Can I buy you lunch to make up for my blunder or have I stuffed everything up and you’d rather I take you home?’

  Clara considered her options. Home to her TV and empty house or spending more time with Gregg? He smiled tentatively at her, making her cheeks heat and insides tingle. If a simple look could make her feel like this, what might a whole afternoon do?

  And if she let this one thing ruin their day then once again Rob would have come between her and happiness.

  She smiled reassuringly at Gregg. ‘Lunch sounds like a lovely idea.’

  ‘Excellent,’ he said as the tension in his face fell away to be replaced by another one of his bone-melting smiles.

  Lunch, which consisted of lamb salad for Clara and a chicken pie for Gregg, was a success on all levels. There was not another mention of Rob, the food made her mouth water and the wine was delicious, but it was the company that made Clara want to break out in song. She kept forgetting this was a first date because being with Gregg was so easy and enjoyable that it didn’t feel new. Or maybe it did. That was why it felt so magical.

  She tried to put her finger on exactly what it was and then suddenly realised it was the two-way nature of their conversation. For as long as she could remember a conversation with Rob had mostly revolved around him and how he felt about any given situation. Being with Gregg was almost the opposite—he wanted to know everything about her from her family and her work to the mundane things like her favourite foods and television shows.

  Dining with Gregg gave her insight into what it might be like to be with a man who didn’t have addiction dragging him down. How being with such a man might make her feel more like a woman than she had in years. It was a heady thought and made her glad she’d gone to all the extra effort with her appearance. Gregg made her laugh like no one—man or woman—had for a very long time.

  ‘For a history teacher, you’re a pretty funny guy,’ she commented, leaning back in her seat and taking another sip of her wine.

  ‘When your wife leaves you for another woman you’ve got to have a good sense of humour or you’ll fall apart. But, I confess I do have secret ambitions about becoming a stand-up comedian.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Yes. I’d probably be terrible at it but I sometimes scribble down a few ideas in my spare time.’

  ‘I’d love to hear them.’

  ‘Not here. Not when I’ve only had one beer, but maybe another time.’

  ‘Does that mean we’re going to have a second date?’ she asked, aware she was blushing like a tomato and sounded like a schoolgirl but thanks to the wine, she didn’t care.

  Their eyes met and the intensity of his silver-grey gaze had her toes curling in her new boots. ‘I certainly hope so.’

  A waitress appeared at their table breaking the moment. ‘Can I get you another one of those?’ she asked, gesturing to Clara’s now-empty glass.

  Although she wasn’t ready for their ‘date’ to end, it felt wrong sitting here guzzling alcohol while Gregg behaved. ‘No thanks. We should probably make a move.’

  ‘Yes, can we get the bill?’

  As promised, Gregg paid for everything, even though she protested that she’d drunk more than he had. As they strolled towards the car, he slipped his hand inside hers, which made her instantly warm despite the fact the temperature outside had dropped dramatically.

  When they arrived at his car and he let her go to open the door, she almost whimpered at the loss of his touch and the drive back to her place went far too quickly. Gregg walked her to the front door. She dug her keys out of her handbag and then turned to look at him. Standing here with him now felt a lifetime away from that morning when they’d both been here with Rob and she wasn’t ready to lose his enchanting company.

  Should I ask him in for coffee? Will he get the wrong idea?

  As these questions whirred round her head, Gregg cleared his throat and spoke first. ‘Thank you for a lovely day. I hope we can do it again sometime.’

  Is tomorrow too soon? In the name of keeping cool, she managed not to blurt this question. ‘I’d like that.’

  ‘Excellent.’ He smiled, and then, ‘Would it be awfully presumptuous of me to kiss you goodbye?’

  Simply the way he said the word ‘kiss’ had her insides liquefying.

  August

  Rebecca

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?’ Paige asked as she pulled her car up outside the hospital entrance. ‘I was planning on going to the studio and working on some concepts for another book, but there’s no rush for that if you need more support.’

  ‘No!’ Rebecca hadn’t meant to sound so adamant, but she’d been coming here three times a week for almost two months and was well and truly an old hand. More than that, after a whole morning of driving around Sydney with her daughter trying to find a wedding dress, she was actually relieved to be heading into the dialysis unit for a little R&R. ‘You go work on your pictures, my illness has already taken you enough away from your work.’

  ‘Alright then,’ Paige said as Rebecca climbed out of the car. ‘But I’ll be back well before you’re done, I’ll meet you in the waiting room at four o’clock. Have—I’ll see you later.’

  Fun? Rebecca thought as she shut the door and started inside. Lucky Paige had caught herself before finishing that sentence because the mood she was in right now she might have actually snapped. This morning had been supposed to be fun, but at one stage during the trek from one bridal boutique to the next, she’d had to stop herself grabbing hold of Paige and trying to shake some sense into her. It was all very well wanting to find the perfect gown, but it was almost as if Paige didn’t want to find one.

  For someone who generally didn’t pay much attention to fashion and whose idea of dressing up was wearing knee-high boots with her skinny jeans instead of her usual sneakers, she was being ridiculous!

  Today wasn’t their first dress-hunting excursion and what Rebecca had been looking forward to had become a kind of torture. Paige must have tried on every gown in the city over the past week or so and none of them had come close to satisfying her. She’d looked like a princess in almost all of them but, according to Paige, they were all either too flamboyant or too revealing, too traditional or not traditional enough. At this rate she’d be getting married in her regular uniform of jeans, a paint-smeared t-shirt and a pair of Converse.

  As she approached the entrance of the dialysis unit, she resolved to talk some sense into Paige that very afternoon.

  ‘Hello, Rebecca,’ smiled the young woman behind the registra
tion desk as she checked in for her session. ‘How are you feeling today?’

  ‘Fine thanks,’ she said, deciding not to bore this poor woman with the morning’s frustrations. And physically—aside from the tiredness, which could be down to her marathon dress hunt—she was feeling better than she had a couple of months ago. As inconvenient as it had been to reshuffle her lessons and other commitments for her thrice-weekly sessions, dialysis was making things easier that she hadn’t even really realised had become hard.

  ‘Excellent. Well, you know the drill. Take a seat and your nurse will be here to collect you soon.’

  Less than ten minutes later, Rebecca was settled into position, attached to the machine, blood pumping in and out of her body. She’d had so many blood tests to monitor her levels of protein, glucose and other things she couldn’t keep in her head that these days she barely even noticed the needle go in, and the dialysis unit was beginning to feel like a home away from home.

  The first time she’d arrived for treatment, she’d felt like a nervous little girl on her first day at school. She’d been surprised by how many people were actually on the life-saving treatment; people who if she’d walked past in the street she’d never have suspected of being sick at all. People who over the course of a few weeks she’d developed a bond with.

  Unlike her family, these people understood how it felt to have to live your life around dialysis appointments and were happy to fill her in on how things worked and share their experiences.

  The first person who’d spoken to her had been a man who, with tattoos covering his arms and a long, thick ginger beard, looked like he’d be more at home sitting on a Harley Davidson than a dialysis chair. ‘This your first time, love?’

  She’d nodded and he’d shot her an understanding smile. At least that’s what she’d thought it was but it was hard to tell through his facial jungle. ‘Don’t worry, love, the first year is the hardest.’

  First year? She certainly hoped she wasn’t here that long, but, unless she agreed to Solomon’s generous offer, she quite possibly could be. Her stomach twisted at the thought—she still wasn’t comfortable with the idea of Solomon being her donor, but then again, would she be comfortable with the idea of anyone she knew making such a sacrifice for her? It was awful to feel so dependent on someone.