Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

He took his time finishing his next mouthful, laid his fork down in the bowl and let out a long, slow breath.

  ‘I don’t know, Rebecca. I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact you’ve lived with a massive secret all our married life. I keep asking myself why. What does it say about us? Didn’t you trust me? Was this the root cause of your postnatal depression?’ He shook his head sadly. ‘I have so many questions. And all before I even start to think about what happens now you’ve found your other daughter and what that might mean for our family.’

  ‘I almost told you before we got married. But Mum warned me against it. She and Dad brainwashed me into believing it was better to forget and that talking about it would only bring back painful memories. They made me feel ashamed, made sure I knew how stupid I was to have gotten myself in that predicament, and I didn’t want you to think badly of me.’

  ‘Do you really think I would have? I loved you and I wouldn’t have held something that happened in your teens against you.’

  Rebecca couldn’t help but note his use of the past tense. He wouldn’t have. But did he now?

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said, working hard not to cry again. ‘I was young. I felt shame, guilt, hurt and regret. Not talking about it made sense. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but all I can say is I thought it was the right thing at the time.’

  Now, as she said this, she couldn’t believe she’d been so easily led—she despised herself for not putting up more of a fight at every point in the journey.

  ‘Did you ever think about telling me? We’ve been married thirty years. You grew up in that time.’

  ‘Yes. Of course I did. In the nineties the laws changed regarding adoption privacy in WA, I totally freaked out—it meant when adopted children came of legal age they had the right to request identifying information about themselves, about their birth parents. Even with adoptions which were previously closed, like my baby’s. I decided then and there to tell you, but then your father died and you were so sad I didn’t want to upset you even more. There were still a few years till my child would have been old enough, so I figured I had time, but of course the right moment never came. Something always got in the way as if fate was trying to hold me back. The year my child would have turned eighteen, you had your heart attack …’

  She shook her head, the time for excuses was long gone. ‘I can’t change the past, Hugh. All I can say is I’m genuinely sorry about keeping this from you.’

  ‘I’ve never liked your father,’ he said.

  She blinked. ‘Really?’

  He nodded. ‘There was something about him from the first time we met. I didn’t like the condescending way he spoke to you and your mother and there’s always been something else, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.’

  She laughed—perhaps they could bond again over the shared hatred of her dad. ‘Well, that makes two of us.’

  But Hugh wasn’t laughing. ‘I’m hurt, Rebecca, however the fact that your parents lied to you—first about Robbie and then about the gender of the baby—makes me realise just how much they orchestrated this. I can see you’re the victim here, not me, and I want to support you. That’s what I want, but I think it’s going to take time.’

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘So what happens now?’

  ‘Between us?’ She was hoping he’d stop sleeping in the spare bedroom for a start.

  ‘No, I mean what do you do with this information? Do you want a relationship with Josie? And Robbie? How do you feel about him now you know it wasn’t his choice to abandon you?’

  Rebecca’s head hurt with all Hugh’s questions. Him not talking to her all weekend had given her plenty of time to think about these things but she hadn’t come to any conclusions. And until she’d had the official confirmation, she hadn’t felt she could do anything. Part of her wanted to drive over to Josie’s place right this moment, throw her arms around her and declare herself as her mother, but she knew she might not be well-received.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. ‘I don’t want to upset her and finding out about Robbie’s alcoholism and his disappearance might do that. Even if you can forgive me, maybe it would be best just to bury this again. Josie’s thirty-five and has never come searching for me—she’s not on the contact register, which makes me think she doesn’t want to open that box.’

  ‘And you think you can live with that?’ He sounded sceptical.

  Rebecca swallowed, emotion welling in her throat again. When she’d sent off for this information, she’d thought it would be good to know that her baby was doing okay, what he (well, she) did for a crust and if he had a family of his own, but that was before she discovered that not only had she actually had a daughter, but that she already knew her. ‘I’m not sure. It will be hard seeing Josie, knowing she’s my own flesh and blood while trying to act normal and pretend she isn’t. And then there’s also Paige to consider. Does she have a right to know?’

  How could Rebecca chastise her own parents for lying to her if she then perpetuated the lie by not telling her own daughter? She wanted whatever was best for both her daughters, she just had no idea what that was.

  ‘Hmm,’ Hugh mused.

  ‘What does that mean? Do you think I should tell Paige?’

  ‘I think you know my stance on secrets—I think Paige deserves to know she has a sister. It’ll be a shock, but she’s got her head screwed on, she’ll cope. However, I don’t know Josie, so I can’t predict how she might feel or react.’

  Rebecca sighed. Why couldn’t anyone just tell her what to do?

  Clara

  Clara’s first cruise should have been exciting, yet from the moment she and Gregg walked up the gangplank, she was distracted. She chose not to tell him about her visit from Rebecca because she didn’t want to start their trip talking about Rob, and maybe that was a mistake. Maybe if she’d got it all off her chest, she would have been able to put Rebecca, Rob and Josie behind her.

  Instead she tried to pretend she was having fun. She oohed and ahhed with Gregg like two excited children as they explored the ship, checking out the many levels with their pools, bars, restaurants, movies theatres and shops. They even glanced into the gym—surprisingly there were a few people already using the facilities before the ship had even left the harbour—and agreed that it was one place they wouldn’t be wasting any of their precious time in. Gregg took photos of all the various signs around the ship, making her laugh as he made witty comments about them. He was hoping to come up with a comedy act based on them for the final night when passengers were invited to an open mic session run by the ship’s in-house comedians and, despite her mood, she couldn’t wait to watch him.

  They shared cocktails overlooking the harbour as the ship cast off from the Overseas Passenger Terminal and then had a very lovely dinner in one of the fancy restaurants before going back to their tiny cabin and making love. Gregg was a very attentive lover and usually Clara lost her head the moment he touched her, but she was even distracted during sex.

  She’d closed her eyes and tried to focus on his hands and mouth as he talentedly played her body, but damn Rob kept filling her head. Rebecca showing up meant Clara should have been able to pass the Rob/Robbie baton to her, but it didn’t feel like that. Twenty-five years married was a long time—she’d known Rob most of her adult life and although her head wanted to be rid of him, it was proving harder for her heart to let go. Maybe that was because of Josie.

  Maybe if she didn’t know Rob’s daughter, she’d be able to ignore the revelation Rebecca had delivered that afternoon but she couldn’t stop thinking about how happy he’d be if he met her.

  ‘Oh God! Clara!’

  She’d opened her eyes and looked into Gregg’s. His pupils were glazed over and he was thrusting hard. She could tell he was close to release but was trying to hold on a little longer until she achieved the same pleasure.

  Maybe I should fake it?

  But Gregg wasn’t a stupid man, even before she’d thrown
herself into this task, he’d stopped moving and pushed up onto his hands. ‘Are you okay?’

  Oh Lord, she’d been caught. ‘I’m just feeling a little queasy,’ she’d lied, grimacing for good measure. And hoping he wouldn’t remember her mentioning earlier her strong stomach and the fact she could hardly feel the boat moving at all.

  ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ He’d rolled off her and sat up on the edge of the bed, concern filling his eyes. ‘What can I do for you? Do you need some water? I could go hunt for some dry crackers.’

  She’d shaken her head—a lump forming in her throat at his kindness and thoughtfulness. ‘No, it’s not that bad, just …’

  ‘Just me having my paws all over you wasn’t helping.’ He’d smiled. ‘How about we see what movie’s on the TV?’

  ‘Yes.’ She’d nodded. ‘That sounds good.’

  And while he’d picked up the remote to flick through the various movie channels on the boat, she’d tried to relax back into the pillows. When Gregg climbed back into bed—having decided on a James Bond film—she’d snuggled into him and vowed to put Rob out of her head.

  The next day, they slept until the sun snuck in through the curtains on the portholes and then, over breakfast in the international food hall, they looked through the offerings on the ship’s daily program. That afternoon was the first of the two comedy-writing workshops.

  ‘Why don’t you have a massage or one of those nail-thingys in the spa place while I’m doing the workshop,’ he suggested. ‘They might be able to offer you some sort of pressure-spot treatment for sea-sickness.’

  ‘I’m feeling much better this morning,’ Clara said. ‘Sorry about last night.’

  He took her hand and squeezed gently. ‘Don’t apologise. And, I’m glad you’re feeling better, but you still deserve a little pampering. My shout.’

  She had to admit a massage did sound appealing and maybe it would help her relax and de-stress. ‘Okay. Thank you.’

  They finished breakfast, went to the spa to book Clara in for the afternoon and then grabbed their books from the cabin and sat by the pool. Although they thought it a little too cold for a swim, plenty of kids and a few adults were splashing about in the water. The setting should have been so relaxing, but Clara found herself reading the same page over and over again.

  ‘What are you reading?’

  ‘Oh. It’s a psychological thriller.’ She turned the cover towards Gregg.

  ‘Not very good?’ he asked.

  ‘No, it’s great.’

  ‘You seem to have been stuck on the same page for over half an hour.’

  Caught. Again. Her stomach tightened as she gestured towards the kids in the pool. ‘I’m finding it hard to concentrate here.’

  ‘Why don’t we go see if we can find somewhere more quiet?’

  ‘Good idea,’ Clara said, so they picked up their books and headed inside to one of the many bar areas. Except for the woman behind the bar and a man over in the corner setting up instruments on stage, it was deserted. Clara claimed the plush velvet couch in the corner while Gregg ordered the drinks.

  As he returned, the music guy picked up one of the guitars and started plucking at a few strings, obviously testing the sound system for later. Her heart clenched as she recognised the notes of ‘Lost Without You, Baby’. It was still often played on the radio, which meant she heard it fairly regularly in shopping centres, restaurants and the like. But today it felt like just one more thing working to keep Rob and the Josie–Rebecca problem in her head.

  Was he everywhere she went? Would she never achieve any kind of peace?

  ‘Alright … out with it,’ Gregg said.

  Clara stiffened. ‘Out with what?’

  ‘I just asked you which restaurant you want to try for lunch and it was like you didn’t even hear me.’

  ‘Sorry. I was distracted by the musician.’

  Gregg frowned. ‘He’s playing your ex’s song, isn’t he?’

  She nodded guiltily.

  ‘Must be hard hearing it all the time,’ he said. ‘Ever since you told me about his band, I’ve been hearing that song everywhere I go.’

  She shrugged. ‘I’ve learnt to ignore it.’

  ‘Yet today you noticed,’ Gregg said astutely. And then exhaled loudly. ‘What’s going on? Something has been bothering you since yesterday afternoon. Either you’ve changed your mind about us but don’t want to break my heart when we’re stranded at sea sharing a cabin, you’re still not feeling well or there’s something else. Is it something to do with Rob?’

  Clara couldn’t help the long sigh that expelled from her lips. ‘Yes. I’m sorry. It’s not you. Yesterday when you went to drop off Shadow I had an unexpected visitor. My ex-husband’s high school girlfriend turned up.’

  ‘The one who had the baby?’

  ‘Yep. She was looking for him because she’s recently discovered her parents lied—not only did she not know about the threat they made to Rob but she also just found out they told her she had a boy when she actually had a little girl.’

  His eyes bulged.

  ‘I know,’ Clara said, still shocked herself. ‘But that’s not the only crazy thing in all of this.’ Gregg didn’t say a word as she explained about the hunt for the wedding dress, how Rebecca had met Josie, seen a photo and begun to suspect something weird was going on. He listened as she explained the web she’d unintentionally woven by introducing Josie to Brenda. ‘I was beginning to feel really close to Josie and now …’

  Now she couldn’t help being a little jealous that Josie might develop a relationship with Rebecca. She wished she could rewind the clock twenty-four hours and not open the door to the woman.

  ‘No wonder you’re distracted,’ he said when she’d finally finished unloading. ‘That’s a hell of a story. Why didn’t you tell me?’

  If only it was simply a story—something in a book she’d taken to read on the cruise, instead of her own complicated life. ‘I didn’t want to burden you. This was supposed to be our weekend; I wanted us to be able to enjoy it without my personal dramas overshadowing everything. I don’t want to think about all of this,’ she almost screamed these words, ‘but I can’t help it.’

  ‘I’d rather you be honest and open with me,’ Gregg said, reaching for her hand. ‘I want to be there for you.’

  ‘But you didn’t sign on for this mess.’

  ‘That’s what relationships are like at our age. You don’t get to this stage in life without having a little baggage.’

  ‘Some of us seem to have more than others,’ she retorted, a tad resentful. If anyone should be bringing drama into their relationship, it should be Gregg as he was the one with children. The fact she and Rob had never managed to have a family should in theory have made their break a clean one.

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘Trust me, I’ve got baggage; just nothing has happened to unpack it yet, but if you stick around long enough, I promise to bring plenty of drama to this relationship.’

  She laughed at his attempt to make her feel better. ‘Thanks. I think.’

  ‘Hey. It’s okay. Isn’t this kind of stuff what makes life interesting?’

  She snorted. ‘Maybe. But for just once, I’d like a few boring months. I feel like I’ve had enough drama and heartache for a lifetime.’

  ‘Maybe you should run away,’ he suggested.

  ‘Huh?’

  His lovely silver eyes sparkled. ‘We could run away together. You could come with me when I go overseas next year. Leave all this behind. As you said, it’s really got nothing to do with you anymore. And, if Josie is indeed Brenda’s granddaughter, then even if Rob isn’t found—even if the worst has happened to him—then Brenda has got other family after all. She doesn’t have to be your burden anymore.’

  Clara’s stomach twisted at what should have been a comforting thought, but she couldn’t help feeling sad that maybe Josie would no longer need her either. ‘Are you serious?’

  He nodded. ‘Why not?’

&nb
sp; Why not indeed. Hadn’t she decided recently that she would like to see the world? And she couldn’t imagine a better travel companion. He was so easy to be with, so thoughtful and caring. The fact he’d keep her warm at night as well was simply an added bonus. ‘I’ll give it some serious thought,’ she promised.

  He smiled. ‘Good. But in the meantime, don’t shut me out again. I want to be here for you.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She kissed him on the cheek and then leant her head against his shoulder. ‘I guess for so long I’ve been used to dealing with stuff on my own. Rob was certainly never any support so I’m not accustomed to having someone to lean on and I didn’t want to ruin your weekend.’

  ‘It’s our weekend,’ he said, ‘and you haven’t ruined it because you’re here. That’s what matters.’

  After that, things did get better. Clara felt lighter having got it all off her chest. Being with Gregg was like medicine for the body, mind and soul and she wished they could stay on the ship forever. But finally, the last night came and Clara found herself trying to calm Gregg’s nerves as he psyched himself up to go on stage.

  He was too anxious to eat dinner.

  ‘Relax,’ she said as they sat across from each other at the ship’s Asian fusion restaurant. The food was very good, it was a pity Gregg couldn’t enjoy it. ‘When you’re up there just—’

  ‘Do not tell me to imagine all the audience naked,’ he interrupted, jabbing his index finger at her. ‘I’ve never understood how that’s supposed to make you feel any better. I’d be embarrassed and wouldn’t know where to look.’

  She smiled. ‘What I was going to say is to remember all these people are strangers. We’ve been on board almost four days and haven’t run into anyone either of us know. At worst you make a fool of yourself in front of me and no one else important ever need find out. But I know that you won’t and I’m proud of you for following your dream no matter what happens.’

  ‘Thank you. That means a lot. I’m so glad you’re here with me for this.’

  ‘Me too,’ she said. It felt good to be able to be a support to him, rather than the other way around for once.