Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

  Josie nodded, and Nik hesitated as if he still wasn’t sure whether to go, before finally leaving the room.

  She settled herself on the other end of the sofa as she tried to work out where to start. It might not be her place to tell Josie about Rob, but how else could she explain why Rebecca had called her?

  ‘I met Rebecca a couple of months ago when she was admitted to hospital for her kidney problems, but unbeknownst to us we had a prior connection.’ Clara swallowed—there was no easy way to say this. ‘Rebecca and my ex-husband were high school sweethearts. About a week ago, she turned up on my doorstep looking for him because …’

  Josie gasped and her bad hand rushed to her chest. She winced in pain. ‘Rob’s my father, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes, honey.’

  ‘Oh my God.’ She covered her mouth with her good hand and her face contorted as if she were close to tears. ‘That means Brenda is my grandmother?’

  ‘She is.’

  ‘Does she know?’

  Clara shook her head. ‘No. When Rebecca and I realised the connection, I told her she had to tell you because I believed you and Brenda had a right to know what you were to each other, but you found the letter before she had the chance. I was waiting until you knew to see if you wanted me to tell Brenda.’

  Josie blinked. ‘But Brenda told me about Rob’s adopted baby—he was a boy.’

  At that moment, Nik returned with tea on a tray. He took one look at the tears streaming down his wife’s face and glared at Clara. ‘You’re supposed to be making her feel better.’

  Josie waved a hand at him. ‘It’s okay. This isn’t Clara’s fault.’ Then she looked to Clara and sighed deeply. ‘Can you tell him?’

  ‘Of course.’

  Nik put the tray on the coffee table and went to perch on the sofa’s armrest beside Josie. He plucked a tissue from the box already beside them, handed it to his wife and then wrapped an arm around her.

  The tea on the table went cold as Clara filled Nik in and answered both their questions. She told them about Rebecca’s parents—the threats and the lies—and how Rob had never recovered from giving Josie up.

  When she was finished, Nik ran a hand through his hair. ‘Jesus. And now your husband’s missing, isn’t he?’

  Ex-husband. Clara didn’t bother correcting him. ‘Yes. He has been registered as a missing person for just over a month.’

  Nik raised an eyebrow. ‘Funny, I don’t remember hearing about his disappearance in the news or anything.’

  ‘There was a short article in the paper the week after he vanished, but apparently there are almost forty thousand people reported missing in Australia every year. The police simply haven’t got the resources to give each one the necessary time and I guess, rightly so, children and teenagers are their priority. Rob’s track record with depression and alcoholism means …’ She was going say it meant he’d probably chosen to disappear or worse come to a nasty end with no one to blame except himself, but this was Josie’s father they were talking about now.

  Nik finished for her. ‘It means they don’t think there’s anyone else involved or that he’s been a victim of crime.’

  ‘Exactly.’ She nodded and offered him a grateful smile.

  ‘At least I know where my urge to drink in a crisis comes from now,’ Josie said wryly.

  ‘You had a mishap, that’s all. You’ll get back on track.’ Nik reached for her hand.

  At that moment his phone started ringing. He dragged it out of his pocket and glanced down at the screen. ‘Will you be alright if I take this? It’s my boss.’

  Josie smiled. ‘I’m fine. Clara’s here.’

  Again, Clara’s heart swelled. She was so relieved Josie hadn’t shot the messenger, so to speak.

  ‘Are you up for a piece of cake?’ Clara asked as Nik went into the kitchen to take the call. ‘Not to blow my own trumpet or anything, but I’m pretty sure I make the best carrot cake in Australia.’

  ‘In that case, how could I resist?’

  Clara cut two slices using the knife Nik had brought in on the tea tray—someone had really trained him very well—then handed one to Josie on a small plate.

  ‘Oh my God. This is amazing,’ Josie said through a mouthful after taking the first bite.

  Clara grinned. ‘Told you.’

  ‘I wish you were my biological mother,’ Josie declared, her eyes suddenly misting again.

  ‘Oh, precious, precious girl.’ Clara took the plate from Josie, put it down on the coffee table and then wrapped her in a massive hug. Tears came to her own eyes. How she too wished this were the case. ‘If I was, I would never have let you go.’

  They embraced for a few long minutes before Josie finally pulled back and said, ‘Would you come with me to see Brenda?’

  ‘Now? You want to tell her today?’

  ‘Yes. But do you think she’ll be able to handle the shock?’

  ‘I think she’ll be overjoyed, but, if there are any emergencies, don’t forget I am a trained nurse.’

  When Nik returned they told him of their plans and he insisted on coming with them. So as not to scare her new grandmother, Josie had a quick shower, made herself presentable and then they were on their way.

  Josie

  Things were getting more and more surreal by the second, Josie thought as she and Nik followed Clara to Brenda’s place.

  ‘You okay?’ he asked. ‘Sorry, stupid question.’

  ‘I am. I’d actually been starting to wonder about maybe looking a bit into my birth, perhaps even trying to track down my parents.’

  ‘You had?’ Nik sounded rightly surprised.

  ‘Yep. You know that night I found out who Brenda’s son was?’

  He nodded. After getting home from Brenda’s, Josie had lain awake in bed for hours waiting for Nik, to fill him in on the exciting news that her new friend was the mother of one of the singers she’d obsessed about in her teens.

  ‘Well, talking about adoption with Brenda made me realise how complicated it could be and I’ve been thinking more about my own situation than I ever have before. I was planning to talk to you about the possibility of sending off for information but I wanted to wrap my head around it first.’

  ‘I understand. But I guess you don’t have to go to all that trouble now.’

  ‘Hmm.’ There was that, but Josie still didn’t know how she felt about the decision being snatched out of her hands.

  Before either of them could say any more on the matter, Clara turned into Brenda’s driveway and Nik stopped behind her. Josie found herself excited and nervous all at once. It felt as if she were about to meet Brenda all over again, only this time there was so much more at stake.

  The three of them stood on the small porch a few moments later and Clara rang the bell. They hadn’t phoned ahead to warn Brenda of their visit, so didn’t want to let themselves in and risk giving her a fright. Knowing that with her dodgy foot, Brenda wouldn’t be able to hurry to the door, they waited impatiently until she finally did.

  ‘Well, isn’t this a lovely surprise,’ she said as she pulled open the door. ‘I wasn’t expecting either of you today, was I?’

  ‘No, this is an unscheduled visit,’ Clara said as Brenda’s eyes went to Nik.

  ‘And who is this handsome young thing?’

  He chuckled as Josie introduced him. ‘Brenda, I’d love you to meet my husband, Nik.’

  ‘Pleased to meet you.’ Nik offered the older woman his hand. ‘Josie has told me all about you.’

  Brenda blushed, obviously pleased. ‘I hope good stuff.’

  ‘Very good.’

  ‘Can we come in?’ Clara asked, interrupting the polite chit-chat, for which Josie was glad.

  ‘Of course.’ Brenda shuffled sideways to make way for them. ‘I was about to make myself a toasted cheese sandwich, would you three like one or have you already eaten?’

  Josie wondered if her grandmother—grandmother—lived only on toasted cheese sandwiches and looked to Cl
ara for direction. Was this a food kind of occasion?

  ‘That would be lovely but I insist on helping you make them since we’ve landed on you unexpectedly,’ Clara replied.

  They followed Brenda into the kitchen and Clara made good on her promise. Josie felt on edge sitting idle at the kitchen table but she couldn’t be much help with her hand anyway.

  ‘What have you done to yourself, dear?’ Brenda said, when they sat down to eat.

  ‘Oh, this?’ Josie shook her hand and winced. ‘Had a little cooking accident last night. Needed a couple of stitches but I’ll be fine.’

  ‘Is that why you’re not at work today, then?’

  Again Josie and Clara exchanged glances.

  ‘Oh goodness,’ Brenda exclaimed, turning pale as her hand rushed to her chest. ‘You’ve heard something about Rob. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?’

  ‘Not exactly,’ Clara began, ‘not anything recent anyhow—but this visit is about Rob.’

  And then—thank goodness because Josie wasn’t sure she’d have been able to get the words out without crying—she explained it all, Brenda’s eyebrows getting closer and closer to the grey hair at her forehead with every word.

  ‘Are you telling me Josie is my granddaughter?’

  ‘Yes.’ Josie could barely say the word as tears rushed to her eyes.

  ‘Oh my, I think I might have a heart attack,’ Brenda said and then burst into tears herself.

  ‘Please don’t.’ Josie pushed back her seat and rushed around the table. She crouched next to the older woman, but when she opened her mouth she couldn’t find words to convey her feelings. Brenda also appeared to be at a loss. They reached out and hugged each other.

  Josie rested her head on her grandmother’s chest and cherished the feeling of Brenda’s arms wrapped around her, tears falling into her hair.

  ‘Is it really true?’ Brenda whispered eventually.

  ‘Yes. As Clara said, Rebecca got the adoption information on Monday. And although your son isn’t listed there, he was the father of her baby. Robbie is my dad.’

  It was the first time Josie had said—or thought—‘dad’ in terms of her biological father. She loved the man who raised her, he was mostly definitely her father in all the ways that mattered, but she felt an unexpected affinity with Brenda’s son. It wasn’t only the music thing. Her mind boggled at the fact they’d actually had a conversation—it seemed cruel they’d met without any clue what they were to each other. So many times in the last few months she’d thought back to that kind stranger outside The Inferno.

  Guilt pricked her heart at the thought that maybe if she’d searched for her parents as so many other adopted children yearn to do, she’d have found Rob and Rebecca before it was too late.

  ‘Oh my sweet, darling boy.’ Brenda stared at Josie as if looking for her son inside her. ‘He would have been so proud of you. And your love of music … the two of you are so alike.’

  A lump formed in Josie’s throat at Brenda’s use of the past tense. No, she couldn’t bring herself to accept that Robbie was gone for good. She wanted to meet him properly, she wanted to talk to him again, to help him get the help he needed as he’d inadvertently helped her.

  ‘We have to find him,’ she said with conviction. ‘Surely there’s more the police can do. Maybe we can start a Facebook group. There’s loads of pages and groups dedicated to missing persons. We can start a page for Robbie and ask our friends and family to share it. Someone is sure to see it who has seen Robbie and if not, people all over the world will keep a look out for him for us.’

  ‘But you’re not on Facebook anymore,’ Nik said unhelpfully.

  Josie glanced over at him—she’d almost forgotten he and Clara were here. Obviously she would reinstate her account. ‘Can you go get my laptop?’

  ‘What?’ He blinked. ‘Now?’

  ‘Yes. There’s no time like the present. We don’t know what kind of state Robbie could be in, so the sooner we can find him and get him any help he needs, the better.’

  Nik still didn’t move. ‘You’re probably going to have to tell your dad.’

  And it clicked he was talking about her adoptive father. Josie’s shoulders slumped—she’d been riding along on adrenaline, thinking only of finding Robbie, but not of her father who would likely see her post and want answers.

  ‘I’ll call him now. Do you mind if I use the lounge room for some privacy?’ she asked Brenda as she pushed to her feet.

  ‘Not at all, dear. I just hope he’s sitting down when you talk to him.’

  Josie smiled. ‘I’ll make sure he is.’ Then she turned to Nik. ‘What are you waiting for?’

  He stood. ‘Okay, okay, I’m going.’

  While Nik went to fetch the laptop and Clara made a cup of tea for Brenda, Josie called her father. She wasn’t sure how he was going to react, but all she could focus on was finding Robbie. Suddenly that was the only thing that felt like it mattered.

  ‘Sweetheart,’ he exclaimed as he answered the call, ‘this is a lovely surprise. How are you?’

  They usually only phoned each other on the weekends—a call during the day during the week was definitely an anomaly. ‘I’m … complicated,’ she said, aware she sounded like a Facebook relationship status.

  ‘Is something wrong?’ He sounded worried and she wanted to put him at ease but also be careful not to hurt his feelings.

  ‘Dad,’ she began, ‘I know I always said I didn’t want to find my biological parents, but I’ve changed my mind.’

  ‘Really? What’s brought this on?’ He didn’t sound disappointed, merely curious.

  And so she told him—about the dress, meeting Paige, and Clara and how that had led her to Brenda. ‘I felt a connection with all three women almost immediately upon meeting them, but until Monday, I didn’t know why. Then, when I was at Paige’s mum’s house with her, we found a letter containing all the details of an adoption. My adoption.’

  The craziness of this situation didn’t get any less crazy the more times she heard or told the story. Her dad was no less shocked than anyone else had been as she filled in the rest of the particulars.

  ‘Whatever happens, you’ll always be my dad, but I need to do this. I need to at least try to find Robbie—not only for my own sake, but also for Brenda’s. She’s lovely, you’d like her.’

  ‘I understand, darling,’ he said. ‘You know your mother and I have always been supportive of whatever decision you made regarding your birth parents.’

  ‘You didn’t just say that to make me feel better?’

  ‘No, honey. We love you exactly the same as we would if we’d conceived you ourselves, but we always felt grateful to the two strangers who created you. It’s distressing to hear your adoption wasn’t as legitimate as we were led to believe and my heart aches for that poor man.’

  ‘Thank you, Daddy.’ She hadn’t called him that since she was a little girl. ‘I love you.’

  When Nik returned ten minutes later she was disconnecting the call. ‘It’s all done,’ she told him as she all but snatched the laptop from his hands.

  ‘That was quick.’

  ‘You know we don’t mince words in our family.’

  ‘And he’s fine with it?’

  ‘More than fine. He says he’ll share the post and get his friends to as well.’

  ‘I see.’ Nik still didn’t look convinced of her plan. She saw his Adam’s apple rise and fall as he swallowed. ‘What if you can’t find Robbie? Or worse, what if you get bad news?’

  Josie knew he was really asking whether she was strong enough to be able to handle either of those scenarios.

  ‘Look,’ she said, reaching out with her good hand to touch his arm, ‘I know you’re concerned because you care and I love you for it, but I have to do this.’

  ‘Okay.’ Nik’s lips twisted into a resigned grin. He knew that once Josie set her mind on something there was no use trying to convince her out of it.

  The next hour was all g
o in Brenda’s kitchen. The table was cleared, the laptop set up at one end and the Facebook page created. When Josie said they needed a couple of recent photos of Robbie, both Clara and Brenda looked contrite.

  ‘Sorry. I cleared all photos of him off my phone when we got divorced.’

  ‘My camera broke a few years back and I never worked out how to use the one on my phone,’ said Brenda. ‘I think the most recent photo I have is from his fortieth birthday. Remember we had a nice dinner at your place, Clara?’

  Clara nodded.

  An eleven-year-old photo wasn’t ideal, but it was better than nothing. ‘Do you think you could find it?’ Josie asked.

  ‘Yes—it’s the one the police took to use but they brought the original back again. It’s in a frame in my bedroom.’

  ‘I’ll go get it,’ Clara offered.

  Josie tried not to give in to the tingling in the back of her throat as she stared down at the photo of Robbie, her biological father. The resemblance between them was clear—and the physical attributes she didn’t get from him, she knew came from Rebecca.

  She didn’t know how to feel about Rebecca. Whereas she’d instantly clicked with Paige and then Brenda, and she felt a burning urge to find Robbie and connect with him, she hadn’t felt any such thing towards Rebecca. Not when they’d met at her house or even now that she knew about their biological link. Maybe this was because she didn’t trust her. Rebecca had only recently been inspired to look into the adoption, whereas Robbie had always wanted to do so. Josie couldn’t shake the suspicion that Rebecca’s need for a donor had influenced that decision.

  For a moment she found herself wondering if she was perhaps a match—just for interest’s sake—but she quickly put this idea out of her head and focused on the task at hand. And, as she snapped the photo of Robbie with her phone and uploaded it to their newly created Facebook page, she had another idea.

  ‘I wonder if we could get the media interested in our story?’

  Rebecca

  Rebecca had a rule—no answering her phone while teaching piano lessons—but when it rang while seven-year-old Balthasar Rafferty (whose parents thought he was a prodigy) was torturing the ivories late Wednesday afternoon, she pounced on it. Her ribcage squeezed around her heart as Clara’s number flashed up at her. She’d been on edge all day waiting for this phone call, or better still, waiting to hear from Josie herself. It had taken all her willpower not to call the other woman or try to visit Josie again, but she’d told herself she needed to be patient. For her daughter’s sake.