Lost Without You

by Rachael Johns

  Clara smiled and took a sip of her tea. Silence fell between them. After making conversation all afternoon, they were content just to sit with each other as they quietly reflected. The day had been better than Josie had imagined it would be and also a much livelier affair. She’d been dreading heading back to Clara’s after the funeral, anticipating a very sombre afternoon, but Rob’s band-mates’ arrival had made the wake anything but.

  While the Brennan sisters had done the rounds with food, Stevie, Brad and Jonno had provided plenty of entertainment. In addition to more tales of their time in the band, they’d sung an impromptu concert. They weren’t bad, but it was clear that Rob had been the singer in the mix. She couldn’t remember who, but someone had mentioned that Rebecca was the singer in Rob’s very first band and, after protesting a fair bit, she finally agreed to sing with them.

  Josie hadn’t been sure how to feel about this and she’d looked to Clara, feeling anxious that this might make her friend uncomfortable, but Clara appeared to be enjoying the music as much as everyone else. Not wanting to be a party pooper, Josie had tried to push aside her irritation and pretty soon she found herself swept away by the music.

  Rebecca was really good. Josie had tears in her eyes listening to her biological mother’s beautiful voice singing all the words of Robbie’s songs, even the lesser-known ones, which only die-hard fans would know. If anybody cottoned onto this they didn’t say and neither did Josie, not wanting to upset Paige’s dad. He seemed a wonderful man and she could only imagine how difficult this whole situation must be for him.

  ‘Now we know where your angel voice came from.’ Another man’s voice had jolted her thoughts and she’d turned to see the man who’d raised her as his own standing beside her.

  She smiled at her dad as he drew her into his side and kissed the side of her head.

  ‘Thank you for being here today. It means the world.’

  As they’d hugged and continued to enjoy the music, Josie realised that just because she’d found out about Robbie, it didn’t mean she felt any differently about her dad. Their relationship was as strong as ever. Turned out she had plenty of room in her heart for both her fathers.

  And, if that were the case, didn’t it also correlate that making room in her life for Rebecca wouldn’t take anything away from the precious relationship she’d had with her other mother?

  She’d always regret not finding Robbie earlier, always mourn the loss of what could have been, but it didn’t have to be that way with Rebecca. When she’d found out about Robbie’s death, she’d wanted someone to blame but she understood now Rebecca wasn’t that person. Perhaps no one was. This was just a horrible tragic thing.

  Josie glanced across to see her grandmother had fallen asleep—her teacup balanced precariously on her stomach—and decided to take the chance to ask Clara something that had been weighing on her mind all afternoon.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’

  Clara blinked as if snapping out of a trance. ‘Of course. Anything. Anytime.’

  ‘This Paired Kidney Exchange Program that Solomon has volunteered to go on … is it just as good as Rebecca having a direct matching donor? I mean, how does it work? How long does it take to find another matching pair?’

  ‘I don’t know a great deal about the program,’ Clara began slowly, putting down her teacup on the coffee table, ‘but I think the waiting times are fairly good. Definitely better than waiting on the deceased donor list. And recovery rates and longevity of the kidney are far greater than having a deceased donor also.’

  But Josie wasn’t really interested in those details.

  As if Clara could read her frustration, she added, ‘If the program works the way it’s intended, then the outcome for the recipient would be the same as if they had a matched donor from the start, however, there can be more false starts due simply to the number of people and kidneys involved. I couldn’t guess how long it will take for Solomon and Rebecca to find a paired match, but I’d be happy to talk to one of the doctors at work and get some more specific information about the process if you’d like?’

  She shook her head. ‘Thank you, but I think you’ve pretty much given me my answer. I don’t suppose you happen to know what blood type Rebecca is?’

  ‘I’m sorry. I can’t remember, but does this mean you’re thinking …’

  ‘Yes.’ Josie swallowed. ‘But I don’t want to get Paige or Rebecca’s hopes up if I’m not a match. Do you think it would somehow be possible for me to get tested as a donor without them knowing?’

  ‘That’s a very generous thing for you to consider, but you wouldn’t be able to get pregnant until it was over. There’d be a few months recovery after the operation and there’s a very small risk to fertility associated with being a donor. The doctors generally don’t recommend a woman of childbearing age donate unless all other options have been exhausted.’

  Josie knew Clara only wanted the best for her but her mind was made up.

  ‘That may be, but I still want to find out if I’m a match.’ Her grip tightened around her own teacup as she added, ‘I wasn’t able to save Rob, but maybe I can save Rebecca.’

  ‘His death was not your fault,’ Clara said forcefully. ‘You don’t need to do this as some kind of penance.’

  ‘I know that! It wasn’t yours either.’ Josie knew that in their own way each of the women in Rob’s life had owned some kind of blame.

  ‘It wasn’t anybody’s fault.’

  They both startled at Brenda’s voice. They’d thought her dead to the world.

  ‘We’ve all suffered some devastating losses in our lives, but some of us can carry on through these things better than others. It’s not that Rob was weak or we are stronger, it’s just he had a little faulty wiring. We all did what we could to try and help him—maybe it’s time to stop beating ourselves up over something we had little control over and seek comfort in the wonderful friendships and relationships we have left.’

  Her smile was watery as she looked between them. ‘Now, which one of you two are going to help this old girl up so she can go to bed?’

  Epilogue

  February

  Coffee- and food-deprived since ten o’clock last night, Rebecca was feeling hangry (a term Josie had recently taught her) as she lay flat on her back on a hospital gurney wearing an unflattering pale blue gown. The small room they were waiting in felt cramped with Hugh, Paige and Solomon in attendance and if any of them asked how she was feeling one more time she was liable to spring off the bed and throttle them. She wasn’t sure if the jitters were down to the withholding of her morning caffeine or her nerves over her imminent operation, but either way, the sooner it was over the better.

  If they kept her waiting any longer she might chicken out!

  ‘How long till I go in?’ she asked no one in particular.

  ‘Mum. You only asked two minutes ago.’

  Hugh chuckled. ‘She’s getting you back for all those long trips we took when you were a kid and you were like a broken record with your ‘how long till we get there’s.’

  ‘About five minutes if there aren’t any hold-ups.’

  ‘Thank you, Solomon.’ Rebecca managed an appreciative smile for her wonderful son-in-law and let out a slow breath.

  She couldn’t believe this was actually happening. In some ways it felt like only five minutes since she’d first been given her kidney failure diagnosis and in other ways it seemed like years. So much had happened since. Back then it had felt like such a big blow, but, as bizarre as she knew it sounded, she was actually now a little grateful for the medical diagnosis that had turned her world upside down. Without it, Paige might never have gone looking for the wedding dress, she herself might not have found the guts to send off for the adoption information and who knows if they would ever have found Josie.

  Rebecca’s only regret was that the diagnosis hadn’t come earlier. If it had they might have been able to save Robbie’s life as well as hers.

  She
thought of Clara and Josie who she’d seen briefly on arrival that morning before they’d been whisked off to another room somewhere down the corridor and sent a silent prayer upwards that the removal of her new kidney went smoothly. She knew she was one of the lucky ones—she thought of Old Biker Dude, Pollyanna and the others who were still enduring thrice-weekly dialysis sessions—but eternal dialysis would be better than the guilt she’d have to endure if anything went wrong. This was a miraculous and selfless act of kindness and she still couldn’t believe that someone who was a stranger mere months ago was now giving her the gift of life.

  ‘Shall I put the TV on?’ Sol pointed to the monitor hanging on the wall.

  ‘Yes, good idea.’ Rebecca nodded, desperate for any distraction.

  Two breakfast show hosts were arguing loudly about whether people should be allowed time off work to grieve their pets properly when a nurse with a smile far too chirpy for this early in the morning—she’d obviously had her coffee—entered the room with a man Rebecca guessed to be an orderly.

  ‘We’re ready for you,’ sang the nurse and then looked to Hugh, Paige and Solomon. ‘Last kisses for the patient.’

  Obediently Paige stepped forward and hugged her. ‘Good luck, Mum. We’ll see you on the other side.’

  Solomon offered her another one of his easy smiles and squeezed her hand. ‘Just think of the coffee you can have later.’

  Then Hugh leaned over her bed, stroked her hair and kissed her on the forehead. ‘I love you, Rebecca, and I think pale blue is very fetching on you.’

  ‘Haha. Thanks.’ She tried to smile at him and ignore the butterflies flapping wildly in her stomach. If she was being summoned to the operating theatre, then her donor kidney was likely being whipped out that very minute.

  It was too late to back out now.

  Hugh, Paige and Solomon watched as Rebecca disappeared down a long corridor and then went into the family waiting area where Nik and Josie were already sitting on uncomfortable plastic chairs, tapping their toes.

  ‘She’s in?’ Josie asked.

  Paige nodded and went over to sit beside her. They clutched each other’s hands. ‘I hope everything goes okay.’

  ‘It will,’ Sol and Nik said at the same time.

  ‘It better.’ Hugh added as he began pacing the waiting room.

  ‘Sol.’ Paige nodded towards her father. ‘Do you want to take Dad to get a coffee?’

  ‘Good idea. Anyone else want anything?’

  ‘I’d love a hot chocolate,’ Josie said. ‘And a muffin or something. Maybe a sandwich as well, although nothing with salad or cold meat in it. Hmm … maybe you’d better make it a toasted sandwich or maybe even a sausage roll. Actually, get one of each and a—’

  Nik pushed to a stand. ‘I think I’d better go with you guys. Paige, shall we get you a coffee as well?’

  ‘Yes please.’ As the men started off towards the café, she turned to her sister. ‘Got a bit of an appetite there?’

  Josie laughed. ‘I’d say it’s nervous energy but starvation is pretty much a permanent state for me these days.’

  Paige smiled, then placed her hand on Josie’s stomach. ‘How’s my future niece or nephew going today?’

  Josie glanced lovingly down at the basketball-sized bump in her normally flat stomach. ‘Good. Really good.’

  She wouldn’t be a hundred per cent relaxed until she held her little one in her arms, but she was in her second trimester and her last scan had shown a thriving, healthy baby and she’d finally began to enjoy her pregnancy, which had been an even bigger shock than the first time she’d accidentally fallen. It happened that Josie did share Rebecca’s blood type and was also a perfect tissue match, thus making her a perfect candidate for kidney donor. There was just one problem. The results of her blood tests had revealed something else as well.

  She was pregnant!

  Only this time, she’d been so consumed with the news about her adoption, about Robbie and Rebecca, that she’d overlooked her skipped period and all the other blatantly obvious signs. It seemed stupid in hindsight but she’d put her sheer exhaustion and nausea down to stress and grief.

  While on the one hand this had been a joyous surprise, she’d also been terrified that it all might go wrong again and disappointed that she could no longer provide a kidney for her mother in the immediate future. Clara’s announcement that she was going to volunteer to be Rebecca’s donor instead had been almost as surprising as the pregnancy.

  But what she didn’t know was that Clara had already decided the night Josie asked her for information that, if at all possible, she wouldn’t let Josie do this. At thirty-five Josie might have been nearing the end of her fertility window, but she still had hope, whereas for Clara that boat had sailed. The closest she was ever going to get to a daughter was Josie and, like a mother, she wanted to do whatever she could to protect her.

  So, while Josie had been getting tested for donor suitability, Clara had secretly done the same. And, in a strange twist of fate, she had the same blood type as Rebecca. Further testing confirmed she was also a perfect tissue match.

  Although Rebecca couldn’t understand why Rob’s ex-wife would even contemplate sacrificing an organ for her, Clara had proved very convincing. She, Josie, Paige, Hugh and even Solomon had argued that Rebecca would be selfish not to accept this generous offer. Rebecca knew better than anyone how many people were waiting on the deceased donor list and also that a kidney from a deceased person wasn’t quite as good a bet as one from a living donor.

  It was a wonderful gift Clara was offering, although Rebecca’s eventual acceptance wasn’t for herself but rather for her family, especially her future grandson or granddaughter.

  While she and Josie would perhaps never have the relationship that Josie had shared with her adoptive mother or Rebecca shared with Paige, they were enjoying spending time together and getting to know each other better. When Josie and Nik’s baby arrived, Rebecca wanted to be available and as involved as her daughter would allow. She hoped that because the trauma of giving up her first child was now out in the open, she’d be able to enjoy Josie’s baby in a way she’d never been completely able to do with Paige. Thrice-weekly dialysis sessions simply didn’t fit in with this plan.

  Rebecca would miss the camaraderie she’d developed with her dialysis friends, but she’d keep in touch with at least a couple of them and she’d made other unexpected friends during these last few tumultuous months as well. Possibly the most surprising of them all was Clara. They’d liked each other when she’d been in hospital, then the shock of their connection had caused a rift, but they’d bonded again over their grief and guilt about Robbie and their excitement about Josie and Nik’s baby.

  This little one felt not only like a miracle but also the light at the end of what had been a very dark time for all of them. Rebecca knew that Clara would be as much a grandmother to the baby as she would be and that felt right.

  ‘Here you are, sweet cakes,’ Nik said as he, Sol and Hugh returned to the waiting area with their hands full of food and drinks.

  Hugh looked much better now he had a soothing coffee in his hands and the men took seats as Josie began to devour her snacks. The five helped each other through the next couple of anxious hours—talking and taking turns to fetch more food for Josie—but when Dr Chopra walked into the room they all leapt to their feet.

  A smile split the normally serious doctor’s face. ‘I’m pleased to say the transplant operation has gone smoothly and both Rebecca and Clara are now in recovery. A nurse will let you know when they’re ready to see you.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Josie, Paige, Hugh, Sol and Nik said in unison, before they turned to each other and enjoyed a celebratory group hug.

  Author Note

  This book began with one simple idea – a travelling wedding dress – and morphed into what it is today, a book that explores a number of serious issues faced in our contemporary world. Although the organisations between the pages are ficti
onal, they are partly based on some wonderful charities and initiatives that we are lucky enough to have in existence in Australia:

  SANDS Miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death support sands.org.au

  Beyond Blue Support for depression and anxiety beyondblue.org.au

  Lifeline If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call 13 11 14 lifeline.org.au

  Adoption Jigsaw Information, counselling, searching services helping people separated from family jigsaw.org.au

  Angel Gowns Australia An organisation making gowns out of donated wedding dresses for angel babies angelgownsaustralia.org.au

  Donate Life Register to become an organ donor register.donatelife.gov.au

  Acknowledgements

  It’s always impossible to know who to thank first when it comes to acknowledgements – and also nerve-racking that I’ll miss someone super important (like my mum, or Diet Coke).

  I’m so blessed to be able to write ‘author’ in that space that asks for occupation on the census and I would not be able to do that without all my wonderful readers. Thank you for not only reading but for all your emails, messages, reviews and #shelfies. It’s impossible for me to get to every shop in the country to visit my books but thanks to you guys I get to see them on shelves all over the country. I can’t wait to hear what you all think of Lost Without You and keep those #shelfies coming!

  A special shout out to the readers who are part of my online book club – it’s been so much fun chatting books with you on a regular basis. If you’re not a member and would like to be, simply search ‘Rachael Johns’ Online Book Club’ on Facebook. The more the merrier.

  Next I must thank the amazing team at Harlequin and HarperCollins Australia, especially James Kellow, and my wonderfully supportive publisher Sue Brockhoff and her hardworking and enthusiastic team, including Annabel Blay, Adam Van Rooijen, Natika Palka, Johanna Baker, Rob Magrath and many, many more.