by C. J. Corbin
How could I have lost three days? All I remembered was the attack and that was Thursday.
The door opened and my father’s head popped in. “Hey Sweet Pea, how are you doing?” Just like my father, never waiting for an invitation. He walked over to the bed.
“Hi Daddy, I bet I look like a mess.” I said trying to smile, but it hurt.
Michael stood to leave. “I’ll give you guys some privacy.”
I grabbed Michael’s arm and cried out, “No! I don’t want you to go.”
“Honey, Michael has been right by your bed for days. Why don’t you let him go home so he can get some rest?” Dad suggested.
I looked at Michael and realized that I had not noticed his three-day beard. I looked ashamed, “I’m sorry Michael. Yes, of course you can go.” I let go of his arm.
Michael leaned over and brushed my lips with his. It was the barest of touches and I could feel that my lips felt swollen. I remember how hard Kevin had hit me to make my lip bleed. He straightened up and squeezed my free hand. “I’m not going anywhere Babe. I’ll be right outside.”
I saw my father give him a hard glance but Michael just ignored it. I nodded, “Okay.”
After Michael left, my father sat on the edge of the bed, “You’re being selfish Bess. Michael has been here for three days. The hospital finally let him use the shower in the doctor’s lounge. He hasn’t moved from your bedside sleeping in that chair. Lisa and I are here we can take care of you.”
I didn’t reply but just looked at him. My father made me feel bad but I couldn’t bear to have Michael leave me. Not right now. Thinking that thought made my chest hurt.
My father told me that Kevin had stolen the car he was driving. He had borrowed heavily on the house in Torrance and it was in the foreclosure process. Kevin had a document in his possession that he was going to force me to sign to continue the alimony payments plus a lump sum. My father had already spoken to the county district attorney. They were going charge him with attempted rape and murder as well as extortion. Kevin would face a very long sentence.
When the nursed bustled into the room she looked at my father. “Just a few more minutes of visiting and then you need your rest.” She changed out the IV bag and then pressed the pain medication syringe into my IV. “We’re going to start pulling you back from the heavy duty pain meds. This should make you feel better. Your husband asked us to get you some gelatin and some broth because he was worried you’d be hungry. I’ll get that for you right away.” She left the room.
My father gritted his teeth and said under his breath, “Husband.” He huffed.
“Daddy, what’s going on between you and Michael?”
“Nothing for you to worry about Sweet Pea.” He patted my hand protectively.
“Dad?” I said insistently pursing my lips together, which made them hurt and I winced.
“Honey, you know Lisa and I can take care of you. You don’t need to have Michael around.”
I looked at my father squarely, “Dad, I’m in love with Michael.”
His eyes showed shock, “When did this happen? Bess, you have only known him for a couple of months. Please don’t go and make another Kevin mistake. Has he said he’s in love with you?”
I nodded slowly. “Yes.” The Kevin comment rubbed salt in my open wounds.
Dad raked his hand through his hair and sighed heavily. “Bess I want you to be careful.”
I pursed my lips again this time prepared for the pain so I didn’t wince. “I’m tired Dad.”
He sighed again and rose from the bed leaning over and kissing my forehead, which was probably the only place on my body not bruised. “I almost lost you my sweetest of peas.”
Michael chose that moment to walk back in carrying gelatin and pudding cups. My father flashed him an even more hostile look and left the room.
Michael sat down again in the chair by the bed and put the food on the bed table. “The nurse is bringing you some broth.” He stuck a spoon into the gelatin. “Will you take a bite for me?”
“Only if you promise me to go home and get some rest.” I said taking the spoonful. I made a face as I put it in my mouth. “I hate gelatin Michael. Let me have the pudding instead.”
He scooped pudding onto the spoon and gave it to me. “I am not leaving the hospital until you are ready to go home.”
I ate the pudding slowly, licking it from the spoon. “Michael they are not going to release me today. So please for me, go home. I’m sure there are other people who can feed me pudding.” I motioned to all the flowers in the room. I felt the pain medication beginning to take effect. “Please Michael, go home. Take a bath. Get some rest. You can come back tonight, otherwise, I’m just going to lay here and worry about you.”
He rose from the chair and sat on the edge of the bed. Leaning over me he softly licked some pudding that had landed on my chin. His lips moved to my mouth and they kissed me softly. I couldn’t move my lips enough to respond to his kiss so I brushed my hand against his face.
“I love you my beautiful, strong woman. I will never leave you, but I will go home for a while.”
He continued to kiss me softly; his kisses touched my cheeks, eyelids, and all those places that surely showed terrible bruises. I wanted his arms around me, holding me close but I knew that would be a fool’s folly. I hurt barely breathing I didn’t want to imagine what actually moving was going to feel like.
Michael stood up from the bed resigned to leave. “I’ll be back tonight.” He said.
“I’ll be here waiting.” I said closing my eyes and as he left, my sister came into the room.
True to the doctor’s words, the hospital released me the following day in a flurry of activity. I was bound to a wheel chair in my house for a week. Even though my legs had no injury, the doctor did not want me falling with my cracked ribs. I was supposed to allow someone else to push me around in the chair. I knew I was going to be a terrible patient at home.
My first act was to veto Michael’s suggestion that I stay at his house. Lisa and my father were downright shocked at the proposal. I hadn’t enlightened them that Michael and I were almost living together before the attack. Michael said it made sense because Lisa could sleep in my room and my dad could have my guest room.
The next step was to send my dad home. He had started to hover over me. Since Michael had already taken that position, my dad just rumbled around my house angrily slamming cupboards. My father didn’t go easy, but Lisa helped me make him see reason.
Arriving home, I was afraid to see the condition of the house after the attack. Katy and Tammy had cleaned the mess after the police were finished. Two lamps and several nick-knacks had been broken in the assault, but overall the damage had been minimal.
The damage to me was quite a different matter. My first real look in the mirror at home took me by shock. Insisting that I needed a bath of some sort at home, Lisa helped me wrap my shoulder in plastic to protect my stitches and then I threw her out of my bedroom. I wanted to be alone for the reveal. My face showed bruises almost beyond recognition. All the bruising was still black and blue, and none had turned to the familiar yellow yet. My face was a puffy swollen mess. My neck showed Kevin’s fingerprints and there was more damage on my breasts and torso. I sat in the wheelchair facing the mirror, put my head in my hands, and wept. I didn’t know how anyone could stand to look at me. I was ugly.
Michael came into my bedroom and closed the door behind him. “Go away.” I cried looking up and then put my head down again and continued to weep.
He put his hands on my shoulders gently from behind and looked at me in the mirror. “Honey, what’s the matter? Let me help you.”
“I look and feel awful Michael.” I cried my head still in my hands.
“Elizabeth that is all going to heal. You’ll be back to normal soon.” His voice was very reassuring and soothing but I was having none of it.
I looked up at our reflection. The sight made me want to retch up my lunch. “How
can you say that? Look at me. I’m a monster! Just leave me alone Michael. I can’t stand to have you in here with me.”
His eyes showed shock and then hurt. Rubbing my shoulders with a soft touch, “You have got to give it some time.”
I shook my head and wished I hadn’t because I now felt dizzy. “Just go Michael. I want to be alone. Okay?” My voice was getting higher and I was on the verge of being hysterical.
At the sound, Lisa poked her head into the room, “Is everything okay, Bess do you need some help?”
“No!” I shouted. “Would everyone please leave me alone?”
Michael backed away from me. “We’re right outside the door if you need us.”
“Go already!” I yelled.
When I was alone, I sat on the edge of the tub and slowly bathed myself while wiping tears from my face.
As the days progressed, I began to feel all the after effects of the attack. The physical ones began to heal. The bruises started their transition into the splotchy yellow color and the swelling in my face and neck began to disappear. The mental effects however had just begun.
First the nightmares came. Each time it was the same one, a replay of the violence. With each dream, I would awaken bathed in sweat, my hair, and nightgown clinging to me. Every time the dream occurred, I faced the same inability to scream or run away.
I began to withdraw further away from everyone. As my withdrawal went deeper, both Lisa and Michael would hover closer to me as if they were trying to pull me back. I didn’t want to be pulled back.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
By the beginning of December, I barely came out of my bedroom.
The day for the eagle cleansing ceremony was soon upon us and I did not want to go, I simply did not have the energy. Michael tried to explain my reluctance to Annie on the phone, but she showed up at my door not forty-five minutes later. I could hear both Lisa and Michael arguing with Annie in the living room. I just pulled the covers over my head and tried to ignore the noise.
My bedroom door open and I groaned underneath the covers. Annie’s voice was first giving Lisa directions to pull clothes out of my closet for me. Next, she told Michael to put his cameras in the car and that we would be there shortly. She shushed the dogs off the bed and I felt her sit next to me. I sighed to myself knowing what was coming for me.
Slowly, I felt her pulling the feather comforter down and I opened my eyes. I saw Annie’s eyes first. They showed kindness but determination.
“Mija,” she said, “it is time for you to get up and out of bed. Today is a good day to do this, we have someplace to go.”
“Annie, leave me alone. I just want to sleep.” I tugged at the covers but they didn’t budge because she held them tightly in her hands.
Lisa came out of my closet with a pair of jeans and a sweater. “Okay Annie, these should be loose enough to go around the bandages.”
Annie looked over her shoulder and nodded. “Just leave them there Lisa. Close the door on your way out, okay?”
Lisa only looked at Annie and nodded. I heard the door shut while I looked at Annie.
“Annie, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t feel good and I’m going to stay in bed.”
Annie looked at me and it was not just a plain look. “Elizabeth, you are going to get out of bed. I am going to help you get dressed and you will go with us to the ceremony.” Her voice matched her look, firm but gentle and quiet.
I felt like a petulant child whose mother was chastising her, “Why should I go? It’s not that important.”
She rose from the bed and picked up the jeans that Lisa had left lying on the dresser. Annie put the jeans on the edge of the bed.
“Michael needs you to go.” She again said it simply and then remained quiet.
I bit my lip and stared at her. She knew exactly how to get to me. “Annie,” I said with exasperation in my voice, “why is it so important that I go?”
Sitting back down on the bed, she took my hands in hers. Her eyes were serious as she spoke, “Did you not consider that maybe he is suffering too?”
“What do you mean?” I knew her answer deep in my heart, but I had to ask anyway.
Annie smiled and gently brushed my hair back with one hand while she still held my hands in her other, “I know what Kevin did to you makes you forget about Michael’s heartache. He lost a dear friend up on that mountain and then almost lost you too. Don’t you think it is time for you to stop and think about him?”
The look she had on her face made me feel uncomfortable to say the least. I felt like squirming under her gaze. I sighed heavily, and knew that I was not going to win this battle. I moved to get up and she smiled to help me put my clothes.
“You know I can’t walk very far.” I said again my voice sounding bad-tempered.
Annie just laughed, “We have already thought about that Mija. The boys have borrowed a cart from Joe and they cleared a path to the eagle stand. The ride might be a little bouncy but you should be able to manage the short trip.
I frowned. It seemed that there were a number of people behind this plan to drag me from my bed.
After dressing, Michael helped me into the jeep. He had to help me with my seat belt because the movement in my shoulder hurt. There was silence between the two of us and then he finally spoke.
“I told Annie you didn’t feel well enough to go.” He said by way of an explanation.
I sighed and he kissed me on the forehead. The trip up to the mountain was a quiet one. When we arrived at the utility road, a small group appeared to be waiting for us. There were more cars parked to the side of the road. I was surprised when we arrived in the clearing that a crowd had gathered. I knew all of the tribal elders through my association with Annie and her family. There were more than one hundred people milling around a large bonfire. When we joined the group, a circle formed around the bonfire and we sat down on the ground. Both Michael and Don lowered me gently down, and Debi had been thoughtful enough to bring a pillow for me to sit on.
Annie stood outside the circle behind us. I was surprised to see the three boys who had perpetrated the killing walk up and stand beside her. Michael’s body stiffened when he saw them but other than that, he sat there quietly. A tribe member who sat opposite to me started to thrum quietly on a small drum he was holding between his legs. A tribal elder walked in from the other direction and stood on the outside of the circle but he did not stand with Annie and the boys.
Annie and the boys started walking around the outside of the circle slowly. She chanted a prayer in her native Pomo tribe and then repeated it in English. “Our eagle brother, it is to you we dedicate this home. You are our eyes in the heavens and we are your feet on the earth. We are brothers by the fire and together we hunt on this land. Your flight is sacred to us and we bid you to return to us our brother. We purify this earth by burning that which was taken from you.”
With that, Annie and the boys entered the circle. They stood close to the flames and each boy one after the other dropped a tail feather into the fire. Sparks flew up and the fire quickly consumed the feathers. The tribal elder started chanting behind us and when he finished he joined the circle. Next, Annie joined the circle and sat down between Frank and me. She squeezed my hand, and then reached around me to take Michael’s hand. They rested their clasped hands in my lap and I laid my hands over theirs. Michael did not smile when he looked at me, he had a far off look on his face and there were tears but they had failed to leave his eyes.
Lastly, the boys joined the circle with their families. No one spoke a word; we all sat together watching the fire as the cold December air breezed around us. Together we all hoped the eagles would return.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Michael and my sister were not getting along either. Both of them had different opinions on how to handle me, and I disagreed with both of them. Michael was not sleeping in my bed and wouldn’t go home so he slept on the couch. The two of them argued frequently and at first, I didn’t have the
energy to object but finally it grew even too much for me.
After almost two weeks, when their bickering was getting on my nerves, I hobbled out to my living room to put an end to the disagreements. I leaned against the doorway and said, “What are you two fighting about now?”
Both of them looked at me surprised to see me, my sister spoke first, “Dinner. Michael is insisting that we make pasta without meat sauce for you. I think you need the meat to get your strength back up.”
He frowned, “That is absurd. Elizabeth does not need meat to keep her strength up she needs protein. She can get protein from other sources.”
I raised one hand. “Enough!”
Lisa opened her mouth to say something, but I beat her to the punch. “Enough! Did either of you consider asking me what I wanted? I don’t really want pasta tonight. Lisa, what are you doing here? I love you and you are fantastic to be here taking care of me, but you have a husband and two babies to take care of, besides you are pregnant. Go home. If you leave now, you can be home by tonight.”
Lisa looked at me and her lip trembled. “Bess, I want to be here taking care of you.” She walked over to me and put her arms around me.
I patted her back, “I’ll be fine. You’ve taken such good care of me and I feel so much better. Christmas will be here sooner than you know it and you have to get ready at home. Why don’t you pack your stuff, call that handsome husband of yours, and let him know you are coming home. Michael can drive you to the airport.” I looked at him and he nodded.
She turned to look at Michael, “Thank you Michael, I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the butt. Bess is my big sister. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
Michael put his hand on her shoulder and she immediately turned in to hug him. “I understand. I have a little sister too.” He said it gently.
She smiled, “Okay, I’ll call the airlines and get a ticket.” Lisa almost skipped off toward the guest room.
I looked at Michael squarely. “You need to leave too. I don’t need you here taking care of me.”
