The Book of the Nine Ides

by Benjamin Goshko

  Lucy's table looked like a collection of emo-ish outcasts. Acne-plagued boys with dark clothes, pale faces, and chain wallets. The only other girl at the table was a plump cherub who reminded Ashley of Miss Piggy.

  Fist sized, dragonfly-like medrels hovered in the air around their table.

  "Unless you'd rather eat alone," Lucy added.

  "No." Ashley shook her head. She followed Lucy over to the table.

  "That's Tom and Mike." Lucy pointed to the two boys. "And she's Jamie."

  "Hi." Ashley tried to sound cheery. Meeting new people made her extremely nervous, and it came through in her voice. "I'm Ashley."

  The boys mumbled hellos, indifferent. They were absorbed in a game of cards.

  "So." Lucy turned to Ashley while popping a carrot into her mouth. "Why were you at the Youth Center? You have to tell me now – you promised."

  Ashley hated having to retell the story. It made her feel sick every time.

  "I was playing with my neighbor when we were twelve. He died. They blamed it on me. I didn't do it." She stared intently at Lucy, trying to gauge her reaction.

  "How did he die?" Lucy continued to chew on her carrot, pokerfaced.

  "He – he bled to death. We were in a crawlspace and there were nails and old saws lying around. He cut himself." Ashley's voice trembled. "We were really good friends. I would never have hurt him. I – I wouldn't."

  "My sister died. She was killed by a drunk driver. Afterwards, my family moved, and I switched schools twice. I'm used to being the new girl. I know what you're going through. Sort of. If that helps."

  "Thanks." Ashley felt embarrassed. People were rarely nice to her, and she didn't know how to react.

  "You're really shy." Lucy giggled, devouring the rest of her salad. "What kind of music do you listen to? What do you like to do? Do you have brothers or sisters?"

  "I don't really listen to music. They didn't let us listen to new music in the Youth Center, just classical and oldies. I have a sister who goes to school here. Kayla Minden. She's a year younger than me, but we're in the same grade now."

  "I know Kayla," Lucy chirped. "She hangs out with the preps – but only with the juniors and seniors. Kind of a snob. She's dating Dave Himes. He's pretty hot, except for the braces. He plays JV soccer."

  "I like to paint." Ashley continued. "And read."

  "I love painting!" Lucy squealed. "I want to go to art school after I graduate. Graphic design, web design, something. I do a lot of stuff in chalk. Mr. Maletski lets me use the art room after school so I can work on my portfolio. Reading's cool too. I like dark stuff. The occult. Wicca."

  "What's Wicca?"

  "Witchcraft." Lucy's eyes sparkled. "The good kind. Not black magic. It's pagan. I have a lot of books on it. If you like to read, you should check them out. You can borrow them. Anytime. I've already read all of them."

  "Okay." Ashley stared deeply into Lucy's eyes. They seemed infinite. "I like your clothes. They're really pretty. You have great fashion sense. You always look pretty."

  "Thanks. It's just a mix of Forever Twenty-One and Hot Topic."

  Ashley stirred her salad, but didn't eat it. The lettuce and vegetables were limp and rubbery. Her stomach rumbled.

  "My mom bought all of my clothes. They're ugly. They don't fit me. I need to go shopping."

  "Do you want to go with me?" Lucy threw back her hair and secured it with a scrunchy. "Tonight? We could go to the mall. I'm really good at dressing people, and I love shopping for clothes. I'll pick something up too."

  Ashley's eyes widened. "You want to go shopping with me?"

  "Yeah. It'll be fun. I have my own car. I can pick you up after school. Let me know where you live."

  A yarba flew up next to Ashley and inserted its beak into her ear canal. She could hear its tongue flick against her eardrum and fought hard not to react to it.

  "Okay." Ashley pushed her tray away. "That would be really fun."

  Ashley took the bus home from school. She had taken the bus in the morning as well, as Kayla now wanted nothing to do with her. The ride wasn't nearly as bad as her sister had implied. She sat by herself, stared out the window, and didn't get carsick.

  Doris was already home and busy making dinner. When Ashley told her that she'd made a friend, and had been invited out shopping, she became ecstatic. She gave Ashley one hundred dollars to spend on a new outfit, and then watched from the doorway as Lucy picked her up two hours later, like a doting mother seeing her daughter off on prom night.

  Lucy chatted endlessly during the ten minutes it took to get to the mall. Ashley didn't understand half of what she was talking about: genres of music, underground bands, the best and worst teachers at school, the general style and fit of different designers. She meekly nodded along and tried to commit all of the information to memory.

  After the girls parked and entered the mall, Ashley stopped dead in her tracks, literally spellbound.

  Ashley had never been in a mall. She remembered her mother taking her to a Target and a K-Mart, but the mall was different. It was big and bright and mesmerizingly colorful. The air inside smelled like hot dogs, popcorn, perfume, coffee, and galvanized rubber. Every store had a beautiful window display. All of the names – Spencer's, American Eagle, Abercrombie – were familiar from TV and magazines, but actually having them within arm's reach was surreal.

  Crowds of people shuffled by. Ashley stared straight up and noticed even more shops and shoppers on a second level. The ceiling above was an intricate lattice of glass, through which the full moon glowed brightly.

  The mall flashed green, and for a minute Ashley saw hundreds of invisible creatures buzzing, creeping, and slithering around the mall, latching onto unwary shoppers for a moment or two, and then falling off and darting away, seeking out their next host.

  There was a fountain near the mall entrance. Ashley walked up to it and watched the water crest and then break into hundreds of tiny droplets.

  "Are you alright?" Lucy came up behind her and grabbed her hand. "Is something wrong?"

  "I've never been in a mall before. It's really colorful."

  "This mall's a dump." Lucy sighed. "They used to have so many good stores here, but then they built all of those outlets up Route 1, so most of them closed. There are only a few places left here that are worth going to."

  "Which ones?" Ashley turned around. "I – I don't know where to shop. I don't know designers. The only ones I know are Sears and Victoria's Secret."

  "Sears isn't a designer." Lucy giggled, leading Ashley forward by her hand. "Victoria's Secret has some cute stuff, but mainly bras and lingerie. I have a few ideas for you. Just follow me."

  Ashley had never bought her own clothes. She'd been too young before she was sent to the Youth Center. When she'd gone shopping as a child, her mother always picked out boy's clothes for her. She hadn't started crossdressing until she was eight. She'd steal Kayla's clothes and wear them for a few fleeting minutes in private. They felt right on her skin. Soothing. Comfortable. She loved how they hugged her body and made her feel girly.

  Doris caught her a few times, but thought it was just a phase she'd grow out of. Ashley didn't tell her about her gender issues until after she'd been committed to the Youth Center.

  Lucy took the lead in Ashley's first shopping foray as a girl. She chaperoned her into an American Eagle, grabbed a measuring tape from one of the counter girls, and sized up Ashley's height, bust, and hips. After she'd finished, Ashley tailed her around the store, watching her assemble an arm-full of different outfits.

  "You have wide shoulders, a chalkboard-flat chest, and narrow hips." Lucy rifled through a rack of dresses. "Your body's a V-shape. That's not too bad. A lot of things should fit you. If you were taller you could be a model – but you have a really wide ribcage."

  Ashley nodded and continued to shadow her. She didn't pick out anything for herself, instead shaking her head or nodding at whatever Lucy suggested.

  Eventually, Lucy ass
embled four separate outfits, gave them to Ashley, and followed her over to a changing room.

  "How much money do you have?" Lucy peered over the neck-high half door, standing up on her tippy-toes so she could see into the booth.

  "A hundred dollars."

  "Eeek. That's only enough for two or maybe three things." She made a playful squint. "Choose wisely, Ashley, choose wisely. I recommend the sequined jeans and the pink turtle neck. They'll soften your shape. Make you curvy."

  "Okay."

  Once Lucy disappeared, Ashley felt it was safe to undress. She pulled off her sweatshirt. Under it was a padded training bra she'd worn for the illusion of breasts. She had made one for herself at the Youth Center but it always seemed like a cruel joke as there was nothing underneath it. She suppressed the usual sadness she'd get from looking in the mirror, and tried on the outfit Lucy suggested.

  The sequined jeans hugged her hips and widened out at her calves like bellbottoms. They sparkled under the store lights every time she moved. The turtle neck fit her frame comfortably, rounding out her shoulders, making them look a bit smaller and less masculine. She checked the tags on the jeans and the shirt.

  The single outfit cost eighty dollars.

  Ashley posed for herself in the mirror. She turned her head and stuck her butt out, arching her back and shoulders.

  I look like a girl. A real girl. This – this is perfect.

  Ashley felt pretty for the first time in this world. She was pretty and she knew it.

  She quickly ducked out of the fitting room and scanned the store for Lucy, who was over in a corner, looking at shoes. She got her attention and then spun around, modeling the outfit.

  "How do I look?"

  "You look great." Lucy grinned. "Guess that means I'm pretty good. Hehe. That looks awesome on you. Really balances out your features. How much is it?"

  "Eighty dollars."

  "That leaves you enough for some cheap shoes." Lucy put down a pair of grey sneakers. "I mean – if you go with that outfit. Try on the others. I think I picked out a bra top that will look pretty good on you. Or the scoop neck."

  "I – I want this." Ashley looked down at her outfit, glowing. "Yeah, I want this. I want to wear it out, too. . .and to school tomorrow. I'll get my old clothes and then look for shoes with you. It could be hard though. I have big feet."

  Lucy winked. "I figured."

  Ashley didn't give Lucy's comment a second thought. She disappeared into the changing room and smiled at her reflection. As she wallowed in the sense of feeling girly, a medrel buzzed overhead, spiraled down, and landed on the tip of her nose.

  The creature looked like a hybrid of a butterfly and a dragonfly with red and purple, scaly wings, a grasshopper's torso, and a long, curled tongue. Its antennae twitched, and it spread and separated its wings, softly tapping them against Ashley's cheeks as it fed its curled tongue up each of her nostrils.

  Ashley wasn't bothered by the medrel. One hadn't landed on her in months. She'd been joyless. She watched it brood on her nose for several minutes, until Lucy slipped a pair of wedged sandals under the changing room door.

  "Try those. They're size ten and a half. They don't have anything bigger here, but they're cute, and should go with what you're wearing."

  Ashley slipped the sandals on. They fit perfectly. She felt euphoric.

  Ashley paid for her clothes and split a soft pretzel with Lucy before leaving the mall. The pretzel was a scant meal, and her stomach groaned in protest. She had fasted all day, wanting to stay small and thin, so she would still be passable.

  Lucy pulled up to Doris's house just after eight. Ashley was a bit nervous that Ronald would scold her about the time, so she immediately opened the car door and ducked out.

  "Thanks." She turned back, staring into the car. "That was really fun. I had a good time. Than – thanks for taking me."

  "No problem. I told you – I love shopping. Maybe next time I'll get something too. Nothing caught my eye today."

  Ashley began to walk away.

  "Can I ask you something?" Lucy called to her.

  Ashley turned around and nodded.

  Lucy took a long pause before she spoke. Her lips quivered, unsurely.

  "Are you a boy? I – I mean. . .were you born a boy?"

  Ashley panicked. She trembled in place like she was going to have a seizure. She had to grab the roof of the car to keep her balance. For a split second she considered denying the charge, but then decided that would be pointless.

  ". . .Yes."

  "Cool." Lucy gave her a warm smile. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."

  Ashley watched her drive off.

  Cool?

  Lucy's response was so casual, it left Ashley reeling in the driveway. No one had ever really accepted her, except for her mother, and that had taken a long time. Doris had broken down crying when Ashley first told her that she was really a girl, trapped in a boy's body. She refused to accept the loss of her son for several years, until she realized how much her denial hurt Ashley.

  Ashley didn't really expect anyone to accept her. She was abnormal. She was a freak.

  She was different from everyone.

  Ashley lingered in the driveway, marveling at Lucy's strange tolerance, wondering how long Lucy had known, and what exactly had tipped her off about her true gender. She walked inside the house and flaunted her new outfit, posing for Doris, Kayla, and Ronald who were sitting together on the couch, watching T.V. in the living room.

  The three studied her with stunned expressions.

  "So?" The lack of feedback made Ashley insecure. "Do – do you like it? Does it look right? I thought I looked good in it."

  "You look beautiful honey." Doris nodded. "It's very pretty on you. I – I love it. I just love it."

  Kayla cocked her head. "Did you pick that out?"

  "No. Lucy did."

  "It's cute. You look pretty." Kayla smiled. She grabbed the remote and started flipping channels.

  Ashley looked to Ronald to see if he would offer an opinion. He averted his gaze, pretending she wasn't there, staring intently at the television.

  Ashley showered and went to bed. Once asleep, she shifted. She awoke in a marsh clogged with bamboo, wearing only her sleep-tee. The bamboo was lemon yellow; such a bright shade, it was blinding. The marsh water came up to her waist and was capped with a layer of pond scum and blue-green algae.

  A soft wind blew into the marsh, making the bamboo creak. Ashley wasn't sure if she should make her way to dry land or stay in the water. She felt something slither by her foot and almost screamed. Repulsed, she began to creep towards the shore, keeping most of her body submerged, trying to stay hidden.

  On the shore, twenty feet back from the marsh, was a small, wooden shelter. It had been built around a fallen tree, with someone lining up twigs and leaves on either side of the trunk to create an enclosed, triangular refuge. In front of the shelter was a fire pit that was still smoky, but had burned down to glowing embers.

  Ashley could smell something roasting on the hot rocks. Fish. Her stomach gurgled, slowly digesting itself. She was starving. The aroma made her mouth water.

  No one was inside of the shelter. Its interior was cluttered with strange talismans made from feathers and beads of copper and silver. Ashley stayed in place for several minutes to see if anyone would come by, but saw and heard nothing. Her hunger nagged her. Her mouth was drowning in saliva. The fish seemed to smell more and more savory as the seconds ticked by.

  I could be here for hours. I'm so hungry. . .will eating here really make me fatter?

  Ashley crept out of the marsh, towards the fire pit.

  There was no noise from the woods beyond. No reaction to her presence. She scanned the hot stones and saw a blackened, banana leaf package. She grabbed a nearby twig and flicked the package off the rocks and then tore into it ravenously.

  Inside of the leaf was some species of flaky, freshwater fish. Its skin was charred black. Ashley devoured it whole
, singeing her fingertips. As her teeth crunched through its tiny bones, she heard voices echo in the distance.

  Ashley immediately sprinted back to the marsh, stopping dead before entering the water, so she didn't make a splash. She slipped in-between the wall of bamboo and scanned the campsite as a man and a little boy appeared from the woods, walking toward the fire pit.

  The strangers were dressed in black robes decorated with bones. They mumbled to one another unintelligibly. The man was the first to notice that something was amiss. He squatted over the fire and stared at the opened leaf package.