by Harper Logan
But why had I seen it at all? Why was it on Calvin’s phone? I searched for a rational explanation.
“Was that some kind of virus or something?” I asked.
He perked up as if he’d just been given an unexpected gift. Just as suddenly, he slumped back down again. “Not exactly.”
“No?” I asked. “Then… then…” I was at a loss. “Then what, Calvin? You were watching it?”
Silently, he nodded. He actually seemed to get smaller as he did, his body compressing into the chair.
“Out of curiosity, or?”
“No.” His voice was nothing more than a squeak. “It’s what I usually watch.”
I gave a slow nod. Things were starting to make sense—a whole lot of sense. “Let me make us a cup of tea and we’ll talk about this.”
“Nothing really to talk about.”
“Yes, there is. Give me one second, and I’ll be back.”
My mind raced as I boiled the water. This was why Calvin never had girlfriends. This was why he didn’t show interest in girls. He’d been keeping this a secret for all these years—and as far as I could tell, I was the only one who knew. Why?
“So you hate me now?” he asked as I returned with two steaming mugs. “Or is this going to be some kind of therapy thing?”
“What? No.” I passed him his cup, which he barely glanced at before setting it on the coffee table. “I just want to know more. Am I the only one who knows, Calvin?”
“Uh… aside from the guys I’ve actually hooked up with, I guess you are.” He saw my eyes widen. “Just a few guys, years ago, to try it out. It was more stressful than anything else, so I didn’t continue.”
“Even Tim doesn’t know?”
“We didn’t hook up, so no.”
I shook my head slowly. “But why keep it a secret?” I asked. “You know everyone would’ve been cool with this. Nobody was ever going to hate you.”
He picked up the tea now, wrapping his fingers around the mug and staring into the water. “I couldn’t. Maybe if I’d done it early on, but I didn’t man up. We were on the football team, you know? It’s not that I thought you guys were homophobic, but coming out would’ve changed the whole dynamic.”
“I guess I see what you mean, but…”
“I didn’t think we’d all stay friends for so long,” he said. “I figured I’d tell someone once we all drifted apart.” He blew on his tea. “That never happened.”
“You couldn’t have told one person, though? I just can’t imagine how hard this must’ve been.”
He shrugged. “My family wouldn’t want to know. My friends would probably be okay with it, but they’d look at me differently. I got used to keeping it to myself.”
“Oh.” I clutched my own tea cup, letting the heat warm my fingers. “I don’t look at you differently, just so you know.”
He didn’t believe me, I could tell from the way he stared into his mug.
“We don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t feel like it. I just have one more question, but it’s one I really have to know the answer to.”
“What?”
I gave him a wry smile. “Why in the world would you jerk off out here?”
Laughing, he covered his face. “Sorry, man. I thought you were out for the night. I honestly did.”
“Next time you want to come out to someone, use your words. Don’t let a straight guy see the porn you’re watching. I’m traumatized for life by that image.”
“Traumatized…”
Shit, I was just trying to lighten the mood. Should’ve thought harder before saying that to a guy who’d been that terrified about coming out of the closet.
“No!” I said. “I mean, sure, it’s not for me, but it’s fine for you. Great for you. I think you should watch more of it.”
He pulled back slightly when I said it wasn’t for me, but by the time I got to him watching more of it, his lips were twitching.
“Actually, you should find yourself a guy now that you’re telling people,” I barreled on.
“I don’t know,” Calvin said. “I’m not really looking.”
“Or, are you going to tell more people?” I asked. “You probably should. Only when you’re comfortable and all, but it’s really not going to be a big deal to the other guys.”
“I don’t know,” he said again, mumbling this time. “I’ll see how it goes.”
I took a long sip of tea. Wouldn’t he be happier if he was honest with the world? Wouldn’t it be good for him to be true to himself?
“There’s a new Kalvin Hinderbrook movie out.” Even I knew the actor had come out around the time of his first big break. “Maybe we should see it this weekend.”
“I’m not really interested.”
His birthday was tomorrow, and I didn’t want to ruin that by pressing him on this. “Think about the other thing I said,” I told him. “Can’t really date if no one knows you’re gay, right?”
“Right.” His eyes followed me as I left the room.
9
Eight—Adam
>Dan: Happy fucking birthday, bro!
>Rich: Have a great day, Calvin.
>Tim: Happy birthday from Aruba!
>Mikey: Enough with the texting. Get back to honeymooning, T-Dog.
>Mikey: Oh, and happy birthday, Calvin.
I laughed to myself as I flicked through the messages in our group chat. You’re all too early, I wrote. He’ll still be passed out for another ten hours or so.
Rolling onto my back, I waited for the replies to flood in. God, this bed was comfy as fuck. I couldn’t get over the sheets. It was like my bare skin was gliding along an actual cloud.
>Dan: Kept him up last night, huh? Should’ve known you two would be getting up to no good on your homiemoon.
Was that a gay joke, or was I reading into it? I reread the message, trying to figure out what he was implying. Any subtle undercurrent of homophobia in our group could help explain why Calvin had resisted coming out for so long.
Before last night’s revelations, I might’ve said we were having lots of fun—with a few winky faces attached. Now I was sure that wouldn’t be funny at all. My thumb hovered over the keyboard as I thought about what to say.
The phone vibrated again before I could come up with anything. Thanks, guys, Calvin wrote. Actually woke up early to celebrate and we’re about to jump in the pool.
He was up? A tingle went through me at the thought that he was awake and only a few feet away from me. I wasn’t sure why that’d make me tingle, but there it was.
Maybe I was actually looking at him differently now that I knew. Not that it changed the fact that we were bros or anything. I didn’t care if he was gay! The only reason I felt a little nervous was that I wasn’t sure how best to support him.
Another text came in, one just for me this time. And since I’m up at this godforsaken hour, would you mind bringing me coffee? Calvin wrote.
I snorted. All right, I’m off to serve His Birthday Majesty, I wrote in the group text. Enjoy your day, guys.
The kitchen was quiet, yet I found myself dancing around as I waited for the Keurig machine to prepare the pods. What could I say? My hips just wanted to wiggle.
Maybe I should’ve rubbed one out last night. My body just had all this extra energy with nowhere to go. That was definitely the reason my cock kept twitching.
When the coffee was ready, I brought it to Calvin’s door. “Room service!” I called.
He answered the door, thankfully fully dressed. I realized with a shock that we’d both be in swimsuits at the pool. Not that it made a difference, or anything…
“Thanks,” he said. “I would’ve ordered actual room service but, you know, I spent all the money.”
“I don’t mind bringing the birthday boy coffee. I know you’re going to spoil me a lot more than that on my birthday.”
I quirked an eyebrow at him. At least there was no awkwardness between us. Last night, he’d seemed so uncomfortable
that I knew about him. Hopefully things would stay this easy all day.
He walked past me to the living room and sat down. And what was that thrill that went through me when he brushed my arm? Going swimming together probably wasn’t the best idea on a day like today… but if I backed out now, I’d look like some kind of homophobe.
“I checked the weather,” he said, taking a long sip of coffee. “Should be a great day to hit the pool.”
“Great,” I murmured.
He gave me a smile—a stiff one, as if he could sense how unsure I was. “I’ll walk Buddy, and then we can go.”
The weather was as nice as he’d promised as we emerged from the elevator a few minutes later. I turned my face to the sun, letting it warm my cheeks. Although it was late in the summer, the days were still hot and this one was exceptionally beautiful.
And speaking of beauty, the pool was ridiculous. The phrase “rooftop pool” conjured up certain images in my mind, and this place surpassed all of them. By a lot.
The hotel was hardly a skyscraper, but the area around us had no other tall buildings, so we could see for miles in any direction. We were so close to the ocean, it felt like I’d land in it if I jumped. And blessedly, no one else was around. Apparently eight a.m. was too early for the kind of people who stayed at this kind of hotel.
We had the roof all to ourselves. Just us, two guys—one gay, one not—about to strip down and get wet together. I wondered what Calvin’s body looked like these days. Then I wondered why I was wondering that.
Finding out he was gay had really done something to my mind. I’d never had thoughts like these about another guy before. Not that my thoughts were anything to be concerned about. If I ignored them, they’d surely go away. Wouldn’t they?
“Fucking awesome,” Calvin said, and pulled off his shirt.
As I stared at him, it took me a moment to realize he was talking about the situation and not his body. Because—although I was no expert on the subject—he definitely had an awesome one.
I’d seen all my friends naked a million times back in the day, but only in a smelly, sweaty locker room. I blamed the pool for the way my heartbeat was picking up now. Nothing to do with the way Calvin’s skin glimmered in the sun, or how his muscles flexed as he moved.
Nothing to do with that at all.
He hopped in the pool and did a lap, my eyes affixed to his gleaming torso the whole time. What was going on with me? Why couldn’t I drag my gaze away as he reached my end of the pool and shook out his soaked brown hair?
“Not coming in?” he asked, giving me a seductive—what?—grin.
“I am.” My voice was hoarse, my throat tight as I pulled off my shirt. “One sec.”
The water was colder than I’d expected—which was kind of good, since it killed off the boner that’d been threatening to grow. Whatever the fuck that was all about.
“Feels good!” I said, wrapping my arms around myself and shivering dramatically.
“Yeah? You sure you don’t need a blanket or something?”
I snorted. “Fat lot of good it’d do me while I’m in this ice water. How could you not warn me about this, bro?”
“Sorry, man, I was out of line.” He grinned at me, and all the cold water in the world couldn’t have stopped my groin from responding.
Fuck, this was too weird to be happening. I was straight—always had been—always would be. How did a buddy’s coming-out have me all worked up like this?
Calvin was the same person as before. And so was I.
Apparently giving up on making small talk, Calvin dipped under the water again. Next his powerful arms and legs burst into action, rhythmically thrashing to project him along the surface and creating a spray of clear water around him in the process.
My jaw hung slightly open as I watched him. He looked like something out of a damn fitness magazine.
“Everything okay?” he asked when he got back to my side. “When you said we were going to go in the pool, I kind of figured we’d… you know… swim.”
Beads of water were shining from his skin. Fucking shining. “I’m good,” I said raggedly. “Just cold.”
“Uh-huh.” He splashed away from me, gliding along on his back this time. As he returned, I saw the expression on his face was more angry than relaxed. “You don’t have to make this weird, you know.”
“Huh?”
“I’m not stupid,” he said, swiping his fingers through that dripping hair. “You think I can’t tell your opinion of me changed? You’ve been acting awkward all morning. Don’t tell me it’s not because I’m gay.”
“I…”
Whatever I’d been planning to say—and I didn’t have a damn clue what that was—Calvin cut me off before I could say it. “I heard about this online,” he said. “How once guys know what team you play for, they think you’re looking at them. Well, I’m not.”
“I never said—”
“I can go swimming with you without wanting to lick your balls,” he said, his eyes flashing. “Being gay doesn’t mean I’m into every guy. It doesn’t have to be uncomfortable just because you know I’m into dick now. I was into dick yesterday, and yet it’s only now you’re acting different.”
“Calvin.”
But he was on a roll now, and he wouldn’t listen to me—even if I had anything decent to say. I could only watch and listen as he continued his rant.
“I’ve known you for years, Adam. I guess that’s why I actually believed you when you said our relationship wouldn’t change. I guess that actually gave me hope for coming out to other people.”
Great, so my bizarre behavior was even dissuading him from doing that.
“I can’t deal with the way you’ve been looking at me today,” he said. “You’re my bro, Adam, and that’s all I’ll ever want you to be.”
Well… that settled that.
10
Nine—Calvin
The coffee was good. The pool was nice. The company was great.
Up to the point when I had to yell at Adam for his behavior. That part made it the worst birthday ever.
I sighed to myself as I climbed out of the pool and toweled off, looking anywhere but at Adam. I was thirty, as of today—old enough to know who I was and to be true to myself. And accidentally or not, it had briefly seemed like that was finally happening.
Except that Adam clearly wasn’t as okay with me being gay as he’d initially claimed. Maybe he hadn’t even realized it himself, and maybe he would’ve denied any subtle homophobia within him.
But I could see it with my own eyes. His comments about the video he’d found me watching were my first hint. The way he kept staring at me today were the second.
I didn’t need to wait around for a third.
“You’re done swimming?” Adam called after me, still standing in the pool.
Looking back would’ve been too torturous. No way was I going to put myself through a single glance more at those blue eyes, that tanned skin, and oh God, those freckles.
“Yeah,” I said, barely pausing my stride. “See you inside.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“No, stay here.” I couldn’t handle him following me. Couldn’t handle a second more with him.
So I let out a low hiss as he climbed out and grabbed a towel.
I fought the urge to watch as he dried himself off, patting down every inch of his gorgeous body. Even if I’d seen it before, it’d been a few years. And even if he’d gained a couple of pounds and softened around the belly, he wore it well. Damn well. Maybe it was the sunlight and the beads of water shining off him, but his body looked better than any I’d ever seen. I wanted to lick that water right off him.
We were quiet on the elevator ride downstairs. And we went to our respective rooms without saying anything at all. I needed to shower off the chlorine, and then we were going to have to check out shortly.
For the amount we’d paid, I really hadn’t enjoyed this stay too much. Guess money couldn’t buy
happiness after all.
When I came out of my room, duffle bag in hand, Adam was already waiting for me. “We should talk,” he said quietly.
Buddy was at his heels, letting Adam scratch his head—the traitor. I shot him a glare and he twitched his nose back at me.
“We don’t need to talk,” I said. “Nothing to talk about.”
“I want to apologize…”
I held up a hand. “Apology accepted. Let’s check out.”
The process only took a moment, and soon we were in the car. I took the wheel, of course, and Adam sat tensely beside me. Buddy was in his spot in the back, and every time I checked my blind spot I smiled to see him hanging his head out the window.
“Where are we going?” Adam asked after a few minutes.
“Lunch, I assume.”
“You’re not heading back to Rosebridge?”
I frowned, unconsciously easing up on the gas so that the car behind us honked at me. “Why would I do that?”
“You seem pissed,” he said quietly. “I figured maybe you wanted to end the homiemoon early.”
Was that a hint or something? Was he uncomfortable being on a pseudo-romantic trip with a gay guy? I didn’t think Adam was like that, but then I hadn’t anticipated any part of his negative reaction today.
“We can go home if you want.” I wondered what our vlog fans would think. I wasn’t about to put the reason on the Internet for the entire world to see.
“It’s not that I want to,” he said. “I don’t, at all. You just seem like you don’t want to be around me anymore. You’re not even talking to me.”
My chest tightened. He was right, and now that he’d pointed it out, I felt bad about it. I’d said I wanted to move past the awkwardness, but I was doing a terrible job of doing that.
“So you want to get lunch?” I asked.
“Yeah. If you do.” He laughed, then stifled it. “And if we have money.”
