The Homiemoon

by Harper Logan

  “I think we can afford a couple burgers.”

  We decided he’d look up a good spot to go to the beach, and then we’d find a burger joint around there. After he found a place to go, we were quiet again. I didn’t even comment when a highway sign told us we were officially in Maine.

  At last I turned onto a highway exit. Although I was still tense, my stomach was also rumbling. And since I’d realized Adam wasn’t the only one to blame for the tension, I could at least do my part to fix it.

  We got through lunch with some small talk and joking, especially when we discovered our friends had been chatting more in the group text. We checked the comments on last night’s video, which had been received well, and talked about what we should put in the one tonight.

  And I stared into his blue eyes and gazed at his full lips and asked myself how I’d ever managed to pull off the lie that I wasn’t completely and utterly enthralled with him.

  He probably hadn’t believed me when I said that at the pool. How could he have, if he’d ever looked in a mirror? He had to know what that touchable jaw and kissable cheeks could do to a girl, never mind a guy. I was hardly the first person to be attracted to him.

  As soon as I could, I chewed my last bite and balled up the burger wrapper. Adam was still eating, though, and he offered me a fry in the meantime. I pursed my lips, looking away.

  Just sitting across from him was so damn hard. The way his shoulders held up the fabric of the light sweater he was wearing tormented me. How was I this obsessive over a pair of damn shoulders?

  At last we finished, and Buddy eagerly came along when we untied him from his spot in front of the Burger King. Our next stop was the beach. There, we’d be back in our swimsuits, with ocean spray and gentle waves to make it feel even more romantic than the pool was. Just what I needed.

  Buddy must’ve had some doggy sixth sense about what was coming, because he got more and more excited as the car neared the ocean. By the time I parked and came around to his door, he was pretty much hyperventilating. I’d never known a tail could wag so fast!

  Adam laughed along with me as Buddy shot straight toward the shoreline. Luckily I’d already managed to wrap his leash around my wrist a few times—and although I did manage to hold him back, he nearly toppled me over in the process.

  “Never seen a dog want to go to the beach so bad,” Adam said as he looked on.

  “You must not know many dogs.” I tightened my fist as Buddy strained to pull me forward. “Sand and surf are like crack for these guys.”

  Buddy yanked me forward again, and giving in, I took a few steps. That wasn’t enough for him, apparently—he kept speeding me up until I was in a full-on sprint. Adam’s laughter pealed in my ears as he raced along next to us.

  “He’s not going to stop until you’re a mile into the ocean,” he panted.

  “Yep.” I patted my pockets, but I couldn’t get my fingers around my phone. “Think you could get some footage of this?”

  “Let’s wait until he slows down a tad.”

  That was all the conversation we managed until we reached the shore a minute later. I had to laugh as Buddy sat on his haunches and let out a howl. We got some funny looks from the vacationing families around us, but Buddy’s excitement was more than worth it. And Adam was getting a kick out of his antics, too.

  “Okay, take two steps back.” He pointed the phone at Buddy, then made a slow circle around us. “Good boy! Work it for the camera!” Buddy hammed it up, a natural-born YouTube star.

  I toed off my sandals, then reached for the hem of my T-shirt. “I’m assuming you’re only shooting him and not me, here.”

  “No, I’ve got you. Take it all off!”

  I nearly choked. Doubling over in a coughing fit, I waved off Adam’s offers of help. Surely he knew what he was doing to me, right? Surely no guy could be oblivious enough to make that kind of comment without realizing it?

  I straightened, my stomach doing slow flips. I’d told him I wasn’t into him—pretended I was offended by the very idea of it. Maybe he didn’t know what effect he had on me.

  “Hope you stopped taping,” I gasped out, transferring Buddy’s leash to my other hand so I could pull off my shirt.

  Adam shrugged. “I’ll edit it out later… or maybe use it in a blooper reel.”

  “No blooper reels!” I tossed my shirt at him.

  I’d only meant to be playful, but Adam caught the shirt reflexively, then stared at it in horror. After a second that felt like an eternity, he let it fall to the sand at his feet.

  Well. That was that. I’d already known my orientation disturbed Adam. The last few hours had been pleasant, though, and I’d managed to forget.

  “Sorry.” He picked up the shirt and attempted to shake it out. “I didn’t mean to get this all dirty.”

  “It’s okay.” Look at Buddy, not at him. “Everything’s going to be a giant mess once this guy gets in the water, anyway. Speaking of which…” Buddy tore his way into the ocean.

  The dog loved swimming, and he didn’t get the chance often. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d taken him to the beach, actually.

  His joy was so pure and simple, I should’ve been in heaven just watching him. I tried to smile as he jumped in the waves and shook himself off. It was just hard not to think about Adam.

  Buddy got tired of swimming eventually… although he still had plenty of energy for running up and down the shoreline. I jogged along with him, and even though I was in good shape, I had to exert myself just to keep up.

  I felt Adam’s eyes on me—and his camera. From the outside, Buddy and I must’ve looked like we were having the time of our lives. My smile was coming out now, enough to convince an onlooker that I was enjoying myself. But my heart was still heavy, and I didn’t quite know why.

  It wasn’t like I was in love with Adam or anything. Like yeah, sure, we got along well, and he turned me on to a ridiculous extent, and he basically ticked every box on my unwritten mental list of what I’d want in a partner.

  He was straight, though. And I was closeted. There would be no relationship between us, now or ever. Not even a hook-up.

  If I was upset, it wasn’t because of him himself. It was what he represented. I’d never come out to anyone before, and the very first person who figured it out reacted like this? It wasn’t exactly encouraging.

  Not that I’d been planning to come out anytime soon, but the thought occasionally ran through my mind. It’d have to happen one day if I ever wanted to have a relationship. Which meant up to last night, I’d pretty much counted on dying alone.

  I’d gotten a glimpse of happiness when Adam was initially accepting. I’d still have to actually find a guy and everything, but maybe the whole thing was possible.

  Then, with a few tactless comments and insensitive facial expressions, he’d taken that hope away.

  “Want me to take him?” He was at my side now, his eyes concerned, his fingers reaching for Buddy’s leash.

  “No, that’s okay.” The longer I could jog around with Buddy, the less time I’d have to spend pretending I didn’t care what Adam thought.

  “You sure?” he asked.

  I came to a stop, curling my toes in the sand. A few families were lying on towels a few feet away, but I hardly noticed them as my voice rose. “Don’t worry,” I snapped.

  Adam dropped his gaze, and his voice was so soft it was barely audible. “You’re doing it again.”

  “Well, so are you.” I folded Buddy’s leash unconsciously around my hand, and the dog sat down and tucked his head as if he was also afraid of my anger. “You can’t even be normal with me now that you know I’m gay, and yet you want me to tell more people? I threw my shirt at you as a joke, man. Two days ago you would’ve laughed and thrown yours back at me, not dropped it like a booger-covered hot potato.”

  Rather than shrinking back, Adam stood taller, and for the millisecond before he spoke I wondered how on earth my words had, instead of scaring him, ac
tually spurred him on.

  “No, I can’t be normal with you,” he lashed out. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I mean, fuck, Calvin.”

  Huh?

  “I’m wondering if I might like guys, too.”

  11

  Ten—Adam

  Dear Baby Jesus in Heaven, please tell me I did not just say that.

  I prayed with a fervor I’d never felt before, and yet with Calvin staring blankly at me and the waves crashing at our feet, I knew the prayer wasn’t going to get answered.

  I’d really, truly just told my buddy I was questioning my sexuality. And the thing was, it wasn’t even true! I had no interest in guys in general. Only one guy had ever made me feel something—and seeing as he’d already told me he wasn’t interested, there was absolutely no point to confessing.

  My breath came quicker as I waited for Calvin’s response. At least I hadn’t told him I was specifically attracted to him, but he was a smart man. Surely he could put two and two together. I didn’t need to spell it out for him to realize I wanted to hump him into next Tuesday.

  Or be humped. I had no idea, honestly.

  Calvin shook his head. “I have to admit, I didn’t see that coming.” He reached out as if to pat me on the shoulder, then withdrew his hand. “You want to talk about this?”

  “No.”

  I took a step away, then another. I felt like racing for the car and driving right back to Rosebridge.

  Actually, no. I felt like calling a cab to take me right back to Rosebridge. I couldn’t deal with sitting in an enclosed space with Calvin. Feeling his presence… smelling his scent.

  We spent a moment in a silent stand-off. My eyes were locked to his, and my knees went weak as I drowned in their cobalt depths. I wondered how I’d ever been unsure how I felt about him. In that moment, I wanted him more than words could say.

  The sound of Buddy’s whine broke the tension. I looked down at him with a slight smile. I knew I should say something, but I’d already said far too much.

  “Let’s get this guy in the car,” Calvin finally said.

  As he’d said earlier, it was impossible to keep Buddy from filling the back seat with sand. Calvin didn’t seem to mind, at least.

  I sat up front and closed my eyes. Maybe if I pretended to sleep, Calvin would leave me alone. Maybe if I actually slept, all of this would go away.

  A CD came on after a moment—Oasis, playing so softly I could barely hear them. I took deep breaths, willing the tightness in my chest to go away. The only good thing was that Calvin wasn’t speaking. But how long could that last?

  For a while, as it turned out. He drove for what felt like hours, well past the point where we normally would’ve switched off. I thought about offering to take the wheel, but that would’ve meant breaking the silence.

  We drove on… and on… and on.

  I wondered if he actually was taking us back to Rosebridge. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d had enough of me and my irritating ways. He’d been in the closet for so long, and now I was taking his sexuality and making it about me.

  “Hungry yet?” Calvin’s voice was much louder than the CD, enough to make me jump. He spoke as if nothing was wrong—as if we’d been driving along this whole time like two normal homies on a road trip. “Sorry, man, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “Oh, no, I…” I yawned and blinked. I might’ve actually napped for a little bit. “You want food? What time is it?”

  “Almost seven.”

  The sky ahead of us was darkening, the streetlights already on and the neon highway signs standing out against the dim night. Yes, I’d definitely slept.

  “I didn’t realize,” I said. “I would’ve driven.”

  “No worries. You were tired.”

  He was so understanding. Surely he’d understand that he should leave alone the subject I’d brought up earlier. I sat straighter, even more hopeful that we could finish this trip without some big discussion.

  “What do you want to get?” I asked.

  “Whatever’s around. I could eat a whole cow right now. No, a fucking buffalo.”

  “Good timing.” I pointed to a sign advertising buffalo wings, and Calvin turned onto the off-ramp without any further debate.

  The restaurant was nicer than it looked from the outside. Not a tablecloth kind of place, but the lighting was subdued and the sports games on the giant TVs were muted.

  I sighed internally as the hostess led us to a table. If things were different, this could be a date right now. As it stood, we’d be spending time together. Hell, we were about to spend an entire dinner looking into each other’s eyes.

  We were two guys who, apparently, liked guys. Except I wasn’t Calvin’s type, whatever that happened to be. And according to him, that would never change.

  What was he into? I wondered as we slipped into a booth. What kind of man turned him on? Not to brag, but I knew I was decent-looking. Girls came up to me often enough, especially back in our keg party days.

  The one time I’d been at a gay bar for a friend’s cousin’s birthday party, guys had approached me too. I’d laughed off their advances, saying I was flattered but I was straight. I’d never thought twice about it…

  I didn’t generally lack for confidence when it came to dating. A lack of interest was what tended to keep me from pursuing anyone. That had actually upset girls a few times over the years.

  So why didn’t I do it for Calvin? Was it just our shared history? Maybe it would be too weird for him to see me that way after so long—although God knew that wasn’t stopping me from fantasizing madly. But then, if we ever hooked up, it would be weird to go back to just being friends afterwards.

  “Yo.” Calvin waved at me, breaking me out of my thoughts before they could get even more ridiculous. “You want a drink?”

  A waitress was standing next to us, I realized in a daze. “Uh… no… I’ll be driving later.”

  “I can drive if you want. It’s no biggie.” He gave me a sexy smile. “Not that I wouldn’t make you do double duty tomorrow.”

  “I’m fine.” I turned to the waitress. “Just a Coke, please. And I already know I want a pound of your spiciest wings.”

  “So daring,” Calvin said playfully, then ordered his own food.

  Once the waitress was gone, I looked him in the eye again. Although it seemed like he was going to leave the “gay” subject alone, I couldn’t get myself to relax. Any minute, he might bring it up, and what would I do then?

  He made small talk about the beach, and about Buddy. I could tell he was trying to be sensitive and avoid the other thing. It was sweet of him, it really was. But being sensitive only went so far when he himself was the reason I was hurting.

  The food came, and we both dug in. Apparently this restaurant was the kind of place that took heat seriously, and I found myself turning to my Coke glass after almost every bite of the wings. My eyes watered at the spiciness.

  As we wrapped up the meal, I thought I might be in the clear. I honestly believed Calvin would let the night end without trying to get me to talk about that… thing. We’d had some nice conversation, and we could leave it at that.

  So what if I’d been fantasizing the whole night about how this would feel if we were on a proper date? I had a crush on him, whatever. I’d had crushes before… even if they’d all been over ten years ago, and even if they’d felt more obligatory and forced than the one that had currently seized my heart.

  I’d get over this, just like I’d gotten over Hannah Doomie in the seventh grade. I couldn’t even picture her anymore. Wouldn’t recognize her if I ran into her on the street.

  I already knew I’d never forget Calvin’s face, but… well… that was different.

  “Dessert?” Calvin asked.

  Yeah, you. “Sure, if you want,” I said instead.

  His eyes sparkled. “They’ve got cheesecake.”

  “I could go for that.”

  We ordered, and then he set his hands on the table. �
�So… how long have you been questioning?”

  Shit, fuck, shit. I should’ve known I wouldn’t get off so easily. Should’ve said no to dessert and paid the bill, gotten out of here and avoided this conversation. “I’m not,” I said. “I don’t know why I said that. I was being stupid, that’s all.”

  “I don’t think that’s true.” Calvin’s words were confident, although his voice was oddly unsteady. “I’m curious, Adam. Is it really just since you found out about me?”

  I toyed with my fork, looking anywhere but at him. “I was only joking.”

  “I doubt that.”

  Fuck, how could he see right through me? Did he know the things I’d been thinking about him, too? Had he figured out I’d already gotten myself off with him in mind?

  “I don’t want to talk about this.” My voice was tight.

  “We don’t have to if you don’t want to—“

  “I don’t!”

  “But I think it’d be good for you.” He leaned forward, looking sympathetic and wise. “Look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never been attracted to a man.”

  Oh, how the tables had turned. Wasn’t it just last night I’d been coaxing a similar confession out of him?

  “I haven’t,” I muttered, still staring at my fork.

  “In the eye.”

  “Fine.” I looked up at him, fully intending to lie—but those brown eyes drew me in, pulling me under their spell. “Fine, I have.”

  No surprise came into Calvin’s expression, although there was something else there that I couldn’t quite read. “Okay,” he said softly. “And how long have you been questioning?”

  Did he really have to phrase it like that? I wasn’t questioning. I was turned on by the idea, but only for an experiment. A one-time thing, and then back to women.

  “One Rocky Road and one chocolate mint cheesecake,” a chirpy voice announced.

  I reached out for mine with the greatest relief I’d ever felt. Saved by the dessert! Not that I had any interest in eating at the moment.

  When we had our plates, I reached for my fork. Hopefully I could stuff my face and prevent any further discussion.