A Mommy to Make Christmas

by Susanne Hampton

  Heath was struggling with the control he felt he was losing. Control of his life...and his heart. Looking at the crumpled letter in his hand, he knew he shouldn’t feel safe any more. He never should have felt safe with Phoebe.

  * * *

  Phoebe felt as if she knew what true happiness was for the first time in her life. She was falling in love with the man who’d left her bed that morning, and she was already in love with his tiny son. He was the sweetest boy, and a tiny version of his father. Although not so battle-worn.

  ‘What do you say to us buying a Christmas wreath for the front door of your grandpa’s house?’

  ‘Is that one of those green circle things with gold bits that you stick to a door?’

  ‘Exactly. What if we buy one for Grandpa as a present?’

  ‘Daddy doesn’t like those things. He doesn’t like Christmas much. So maybe no...’ he said, in a little boy’s voice but with the sensitivity of someone so much older.

  She suddenly realised that behind his sunny disposition perhaps Oscar was battle-worn too. He just didn’t wear it on his sleeve.

  Phoebe thought about Oscar’s wish all the way home. A wonderful maternal feeling she had never experienced before was surging through her and making her smile so wide and heartfelt. She wanted so much to be a part of the little boy’s life, but she had never considered for a moment that he would picture her in such an important role.

  His mother.

  It was more than she could wish for, but she felt concerned for the little boy. He had never been able to enjoy a special time at Christmas, and she wasn’t sure why, but she would chat to Heath and she felt certain they could work through it. Heath was a wonderful father—perhaps he just didn’t see that what he saw as a silly holiday tradition was so much more.

  To Phoebe, Christmas meant family.

  And now she was beginning to feel as if Heath and Oscar were family too. It had all happened very quickly, but she couldn’t help the way she felt.

  She had never imagined when she’d left the sadness and indignity of her life in Washington that she would find anything close to happiness. She had just hoped for a respite. For time to find herself and put the pain and humiliation behind her. Love had only ever been in in her wildest dreams. Phoebe would have settled for a pleasant six months and never felt cheated for her efforts.

  The joy that had become her life in such a short time was so unexpected. Heath was the most amazing man, and while she didn’t know what lay ahead for them she felt certain it was something wonderful.

  And he had the most adorable son.

  Oscar was so sweet, and Phoebe had grown so fond of him. She thought that being his mother perhaps wasn’t such a crazy idea. If it was what Oscar truly wanted, and Heath felt the same way, then one day in the future perhaps it would happen. Life had turned around, and Phoebe felt blessed as they arrived back at Ken’s home.

  Phoebe paid the fare just as she watched Heath’s car pull into the driveway.

  ‘Keep the change,’ she said over the sound of the engine, and she handed the driver more than enough for the short trip home. The driver smiled and took off down the street as Phoebe caught up with Oscar.

  She wanted so much to throw her arms around Heath and kiss him, but she thought better of it. She didn’t want Oscar to feel that she was rushing to greet his father. She wanted any relationship they had to unfold slowly, and in a way that would make Oscar feel comfortable.

  Her heart was light with the knowledge that he wished she could be his mother, but in her mind it was important that the little boy knew he would always come first with his father.

  * * *

  ‘Daddy, Daddy—guess where Phoebe took me today?’ Oscar asked excitedly, and then without waiting for a response he continued. ‘To the museum.’

  ‘That sounds wonderful, Oscar. You are lucky that Phoebe spoilt you like that.’

  Phoebe couldn’t help but notice that Oscar hadn’t yet told his father about Santa’s Magic Cave.

  ‘We saw dinosaurs and mummies and we had egg sandwiches.’

  Phoebe was taken aback that still there was no mention of Santa.

  Heath smiled a half-smile at Phoebe. ‘Thank you for taking him out. That was very kind of you.’

  Phoebe had thought that after the night they’d shared she would not be on the receiving end of a half-smile any more. Something had changed. She didn’t know what, but she could tell that in the hours since he’d left her apartment the closeness he’d felt had cooled.

  She hoped they could talk about it later. And she wanted to talk to Heath about Oscar too...

  * * *

  ‘I’ve put a roast in the oven,’ Ken said as they all piled in to greet him. ‘And afterwards there’s trifle for dessert.’

  ‘What’s with the trifle, Dad?’ Heath asked in an irritated tone.

  Phoebe couldn’t help but notice and assumed perhaps there were problems at the hospital.

  ‘Nothing much,’ Ken replied in a subdued voice. ‘A neighbour dropped it in. They’re a friendly lot around here. Someone’s always coming by to say hello and check up on me. And I love trifle.’

  Phoebe was confused that Ken didn’t admit where the lovely treat had come from. For some reason he too was not telling Heath the whole story.

  Suddenly she started to see that no one was really telling Heath how they felt, or what he needed to hear, they were all hiding parts of the story and telling him what they apparently thought he wanted to hear. Was Tilly hiding her feelings from Heath too?

  * * *

  ‘Can Phoebe read to me tonight?’ Oscar asked his father as they were clearing the dinner table.

  The roast had been lovely and the trifle divine, and Ken had had a big smile on his face as he’d eaten it.

  Phoebe was clearly thrilled to be asked to read a story, and her smile didn’t mask her happiness. But Heath wasn’t thrilled. While Phoebe was a wonderful woman, and an amazing lover, he was more than concerned that she was bringing changes into their lives that he didn’t think were for the best.

  And he also realised that she might not be staying. Well not forever.

  Everything was suddenly moving too fast for Heath to consider properly.

  His son had never wanted his nanny to read to him. That was Heath’s job every night. It was their special time together. It suddenly hit him that perhaps Oscar was becoming too fond of Phoebe, and he didn’t want to see the little boy leaning on her when she could soon be gone.

  He felt mixed emotions as he looked down at his son. Phoebe’s life was in Washington, or wherever her work demanded. And his was in Australia. Oscar might be hurt if he saw more in Phoebe than she was able to give him. Or more than Heath felt ready to ask of her.

  Adelaide was a dream. A wonderful dream. But it was one they could all potentially wake up from very soon. The way he’d woken up from the dream of a happy and long life with Natasha. It could all be over soon.

  He needed to protect his son.

  And himself.

  ‘Phoebe’s tired. She’s been on her feet with you all day. Brush your teeth and I’ll be there in five minutes.’

  Heath continued loading the last of the cutlery and glasses.

  ‘Please, Daddy, I want Phoebe to read to me—’

  ‘Honestly,’ Phoebe cut in with a smile in her voice. ‘I’m more than happy to read to Oscar.’

  ‘No, Phoebe. I will be reading to Oscar tonight.’

  * * *

  As Heath drove Phoebe home she decided to question him over his behaviour. The top was down on the car as they travelled into the city, but the fresh air was lost on Phoebe. She had something else on her mind.

  ‘Is everything good between us?’ she asked.

  Heath took his eyes from the road for a mom
ent. He saw the look on Phoebe’s face and knew exactly why she was asking the question. ‘I’ve had a long day and we can talk about it another time.’

  ‘I think we need to talk about it sooner rather than later.’

  Heath pulled up at the front of Phoebe’s house. He wasn’t sure how he felt, except that he was losing control by the minute. And although he wasn’t blaming Phoebe completely, he knew she could never understand the way his life had to be.

  ‘Come inside. We can talk about it for a few minutes. It won’t take long.’

  ‘Maybe we should,’ he said as he climbed from the car and walked to the front door, before he added, ‘But I’m not staying.’

  He had been fooling himself to think they could see each other without complications or expectations. He had been swept up in the moment and had forgotten his rules and obligations. Rules that he had created when he’d lost his wife. Rules that he had been ignoring from the moment he’d met Phoebe. He needed to reinstate them.

  Phoebe was surprised at the bluntness of his statement. But she put it down to his being tired and thought he might change his mind when he got inside. She turned on the light and Heath’s expression grew even more strained at the sight of the huge Christmas tree.

  ‘Didn’t they have a bigger one?’ he muttered sarcastically, then refused to look at it again.

  ‘My father sent it to me. He thought it might brighten my day. Oscar loved it today, when we called in. I think he wants to embrace Christmas but he knows it makes you sad. He doesn’t know why any more than I do.’

  It seemed so unfair to Phoebe that other little boys could share Christmas with their families but Oscar, at five years of age, was protecting his father. And she was worried what that would do to the little boy as he grew older. Would he think that his father missed his mother so much that he couldn’t find joy even at Christmas? Would he think he was the cause of that? There were many widows and widowers out there who still managed to look for some joy in the world, she thought as she closed the front door.

  ‘Oscar’s fine.’

  ‘He’s wonderful—but do you ever think that you’re stopping him from doing what most other little boys his age take for granted? Having Christmas—with a tree, and turkey, and presents, and laughter and the love of family.’

  ‘That’s a bit of a sweeping statement without basis, don’t you think? He has presents, and we call home to say hello to my father around that time. Don’t tell me he doesn’t have Christmas. He does.’

  ‘You call home “around that time”?’ Phoebe asked, but they both knew it was a statement more than a question. ‘You acknowledge Christmas, Heath. You don’t celebrate it.’

  ‘I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. It’s just a commercial holiday wrought by multinational companies to get families to spend up, and I won’t be controlled as if I have no independent thoughts.’

  Phoebe was not sure what was fuelling Heath’s antagonism, but she needed to know. He had been so loving the previous night, and even in the morning, but now he seemed so bitter.

  She was falling in love with a man who hated Christmas. And she had to know why.

  ‘Christmas is about families, and love, and being together. You can throw away all the advertising and the hype, but you have to see it for its true meaning and what a wonderful day it is,’ she continued.

  ‘It’s not and never will be a wonderful day. It’s a day I dread every year—a day I can’t wait to see the back of. It’s a day I need to get through, not celebrate. My wife died on Christmas Day, Phoebe. So don’t tell me how I should feel about the day. It isn’t and never will be a happy day for me.’

  He didn’t look at her. He looked at his hands and then at the floor. His jaw was clenched and his eyes stared blankly as he stood and began to pace.

  ‘I’m sorry, Heath. I didn’t know.’

  Phoebe sat in silence for a moment, gathering her thoughts. She understood that losing his wife on Christmas Day had been incredibly sad, but she knew that he needed to move on and be the father to Oscar his wife would have wanted. If he saw the day with dread then everyone around him would see it the same way. As Oscar grew up he too would learn to dread the day he’d lost his mother and, knowing the facts as she now did, he might to some degree even blame himself. Instead of celebrating the woman who had given her life for him.

  ‘You will never, ever understand. I see the way you make Christmas a big event. But for me, for everyone who knew Natasha, the day is filled with sadness.’

  ‘Perhaps.’ She hesitated for a moment. ‘Perhaps because you’re choosing for it to be a sad occasion. It doesn’t have to be that way if you can look at it differently.’

  ‘“Look at it differently”? What? Just pretend my wife didn’t die and enjoy a perfect Little House on the Prairie Christmas? Life isn’t like that. You can’t make everything right in the world with tinsel and baubles.’

  ‘No, but you can make Christmas a happy time for your son, and for your family and yourself.’

  ‘It’s not that simple.’

  ‘It can be, Heath. But you have to want to make it happy—and you should try for Oscar’s sake.’

  ‘What do you mean? I’m a good father. I take care of him. I doubt that my attitude to Christmas is affecting him.’

  ‘It does affect him. He’s hiding things from you.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Today we went to see Santa. Clearly I didn’t know about Natasha’s passing on Christmas Day so I took him to the Magic Cave but he couldn’t tell you. Obviously he knew it would make you sad. He doesn’t know why, but soon he will ask. I wanted to put a Christmas wreath on the door of your father’s home as a gift, but he said no, that it would make you sad. He is taking on a role much too onerous for his age. What if one day, in some small way, he blames himself for your sadness and inability to enjoy life? That’s a huge burden for a little boy.’

  ‘It won’t come to that. He knows I love him.’

  ‘Of course he knows that—but he also knows that you’re sad a lot.’

  ‘And why do you care so much? It’s not as if you will even be here next Christmas. You’ll be gone. Back to Washington or somewhere else. I’m sure that Adelaide won’t be able to compete with the offers of work that will arrive...or that you will seek out.’

  ‘What are you talking about? I thought after last night and everything I told you that you’d know I’m staying here. If you want me to, I want to be with you—’

  ‘I saw the letter from that sports practice in Melbourne,’ Heath cut in as he leant against the doorframe in the kitchen.

  ‘The one I threw in the bin?’

  ‘The one you never told me about...’

  ‘Because I wasn’t interested in it.’

  ‘Maybe the terms didn’t suit you and you declined the offer, but you applied. They reached out to you. Forgetting what happened last night, didn’t you think that as a common courtesy you should have told me you were looking around at other options?’

  ‘But I applied a while back... Before I left the States. Before we even met. Before last night happened.’

  ‘Before we had sex?’

  ‘Before we made love.’

  ‘However you want to say it...’ He sniffed. ‘There’s some double standards here. You sit here and tell me how to raise my child, but you’ve never had a child. You tell me that Christmas is about family, but your family are on the other side of the world this Christmas. And you want to get close to my son and read him a bedtime story, and all the while you’re looking for work in another city? I need to protect my son...from you.’

  Phoebe felt a pain rip into her heart. There was nothing to protect Oscar from when it came to her. She loved the little boy. ‘I’m not about to disappear. I would never run away and leave you or Oscar.’

 
‘Stop it. I’ve heard enough. It seems to me that you want to change everything about the way Oscar and I live our lives. Well, we like it just the way it is—so I think you are what needs to change. You need to leave, Phoebe. It’s for the best. For all of us, and especially for Oscar. I don’t want him to get attached and then find overnight that you’ve taken off, despite what you say. I saw that letter. It was dated a few days ago and you had every opportunity to raise it with me.’

  ‘I told you—it wasn’t something I saw as important.’

  ‘And nor is celebrating Christmas for me, so let’s agree to disagree.’ Heath had no emotion colouring his voice. It was suddenly cold and distant. Like a judge delivering a verdict. ‘I won’t have a temporary employee telling me everything that’s wrong with my life. Take up that offer in Melbourne—it fits better with your qualifications anyway.’

  ‘You sleep with me last night, then end our relationship and fire me the next day?’

  ‘I think it’s best if you step down. And one night is not a relationship, Phoebe. There is nothing to end.’

  To Phoebe it felt like a death sentence to her heart.

  She could see his lips moving but she didn’t believe the words coming from them. He was telling her to go. Leave the practice and his life and take a job in another state.

  She felt pain rip through her. They had shared the most wonderful night and he was trying to find anything as a reason to end what had barely begun.

  ‘This isn’t about anything you said. This is about your cardinal rules since your wife died. I know about all of them, and apparently you’ve broken two of them with me, but clearly you won’t break the third. You never want to sleep with a woman twice.’

  Heath swallowed and felt his jaw tick. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. But if this would push her away and protect his son and himself, then he was happy for her to believe it.

  ‘Fine—whatever. My one-night rule has been working fine for a long time, so there’s no need for me to change it.’

  Phoebe felt physically sick. Heath had just proved to her that all men were the same. She felt so many emotions building inside her. Anger, disappointment, betrayal and loss. But she would not take it lying down. She would not be told by a man what she should do with her life.